Am I going mad?

[lowerthanalowthing]

I feel like I'm losing my mind and doubting myself all the time.

My husband is so moody. I feel like he's always got a problem with everything. House a mess (he will swear and slam about) daughter talks too much about herself (show me a girl that doesn't) my best mate is manipulating me (his words)

When we go out he portrays himself as a fun man but I feel like it's all fake - and it will also depend who is watching!! If my ex is out - he will do nothing but laugh and be loud making us look like we have an amazing relationship. He does the same on social media.
Truth is I don't like him. He calls people, he refers to people of different ethnic backgrounds in a derogatory manor, he makes fun of me - but if I take offence he just says he's joking and that I'm too sensitive. Some days he will come home and not speak to me cos he's had a bad day, others days he will be happy and singing and happy. Our kids avoid him cos he's so negative. When he goes out they all come out their rooms and sit with me, when he comes back they all scurry back off! It's mad! Our son doesn't like him cos he's always moody...it breaks my heart but he's blind to it.

I live with this and then it builds and builds and I flip and he gets a load of verbal off me - I do call him miserable and nasty and that I don't like how he behaves etc but then he says I'm abusing him and that he's googled it and that I'm a narcissist and I'm abusing him and I have no right to call him names or argue and that it's a form of abuse.

I feel rotten inside like he has a point cos when it all builds up I do say some horrible things but it's like I explode with frustration.

I can't even pin point what he does - it's just his general way. He's rude and arrogant and I have lost what I see in him at all! He pays the bills and seems to think that gives him licences to be mean to everyone! The weird thing is when I do confront him describes himself as a fun loving man who is abused by me.

I think I'm losing my mind - I don't know what to think anymore. I just feel like leaving tbh.

lowerthanalowthing

He'll be back. He is not going to let go of you and relinquish such control over you that easily.

re your comment:-
"My eldest has said if I left she would move home with me and help pay the rent".

I would take your DD up on her offer asap. You are not your father but you married someone just like him. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and yours taught you a whole lot of damaging lessons.

Would certainly concur with the others in that you are being abused in multiple ways along with being gaslighted by him too. Please call Womens Aid and the Rights of Women and plan your exit from this with due diligence.

Fun loving man being abused by you - does this mean "I think I'd be having lots more fun as a single man if I didn't have a wife and responsibilities reminding me that I'm not"?

It probably does but in any case there is not a single one of us women (I hope to God) who would ever want a man like this. God if I was dating a man and I learned he'd
thrown or broken things in the home of the mother of his children, jeez I'd drop him like a hot coal. Even if he was a billionaire with the face of George Clooney. Stuff throwers/breakers are just wife beaters whose abuse hadn't escalated yet. To be despised and avoided.

He is displaying classic abusive behaviour. Please call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. You may have to leave a message and a safe time for them to call you back. Please do not be afraid to report your partner's behaviour to the police. Sadly we become so used to it, minimise it and make it normal. It is not normal and it is not your fault. Leaving an abusive partner is a dangerous time. Please seek some real life professional support.

Be very very careful!
Dont try and play games back or have an affair as someone else suggested, it just wont work.
You need to understand that when you do leave him he will not play nicely he will take you apart! you think lifes hard now, wait till you start trying to separate the finances, house and get a divorce, his abusive side will really really come out!
Im going to send you a pm, as i dont want to say too much on here, as it may well be outing for me. x

Not managed to move forward.

He wants to go on holiday, speak to the kids about how they feel. He says he is aware of when he is behaving the way he is - but he doesn't change it.

He keeps saying that he will do what ever it takes to make me happy. I don't know what to say to him.

In my heart I think I owe him change to try and change, but also I know he isn't capable of changing so the end is inevitable!

I feel a bit stuck in limbo. I'm just going to try and put away as much money as I can - in preparation to leave.

"He keeps saying that he will do what ever it takes to make me happy. I don't know what to say to him."
When he does something that doesn't make you happy, tell him how it's affecting you?
"When you do/say xyz, I feel zyx", or more specifically "when you throw things around I'm afraid you're going to hit me". (Btw, this is what he wants you to feel).

I agree you need to get out, and as people say on MN, get your ducks in a row in the meantime - but while you're putting money away, if you want to try telling him how you feel, work away. Try not to use "you" statements, or "always" such as "you always say horrible things to me", instead talk about how you feel when he behaves in a certain way.

I grew up in a home with this sort of behaviour and my whole life has been affected by it. Please get your children out.

The problem is with these kind of men is that they are self centred. To make you happy would at times mean his happiness was second to yours, is he truely capable of putting your needs before his??? I think you know the answer. His love is conditional not unconditional

Do not go on holiday with him.
I would scream that if I could.
Do not . Do not. Do not.

In my heart I think I owe him change to try and change, but also I know he isn't capable of changing so the end is inevitable!

Christ, don't fall for that bollocks. You don't owe him anything.

You said you've told him, now it's time to stick to your guns.

Find out what benefits you're entitled to.

Find somewhere else to live.

Your daughter said she would move home and help you pay the rent - take her up on this.

DO NOT GO ON HOLIDAY WITH HIM.

His behaviour can only go downhill from here. You need to get out ASAP. Agree you shouldn't have told him before getting your ducks in a row, but that's done now. So all you can do is make the best of it.

It's actually really dangerous to take a holiday with an abusive man once he knows you are considering leaving. Especially a man that smashes things. Please don't do this , and please seek real life professional advice. At least ensure someone in your world knows what's going on. I cannot express it enough

Do not take the holiday.
Holidays are a pressure cooker for even the most peaceful families.
With an abuser, it's a way for him to isolate you away from outside opinions. He will either lovebomb you (back to square one, thinking you're crazy) or he'll punish you
(Remember he gets mad and breaks things, a real warning red flag, he could potentially get violent) in a place where you WILL HAVE NOBODY TO HELP YOU.
I beg you not to take a holiday with him, and to protect your children.

You need to talk to your local Women's Aid.

You need to talk to the experts, not us on here. A lot of us know what you're experiencing bcs we've been through it - but that doesn't change that you need expert support and advice.

I say this bcs he has been violent. The chance of him being violent with you /the kids is high. He won't like losing control - and thats when abusers get dangerous.

READ the Lundy book]. You will recognise your husband there.

DO the Freedom Programme at your earliest.

Do this for your kids. Don't think he wouldn't hurt you/them. He is precisely the type who does.

Many of us have been where you are now. Do the right thing xxx

To cut all the waffle:

"I don't like him".

Leave then.

A leopard doesn't change his spots-he's a miserable,angry,abusive excuse for a human being. His behavior has forced your own child to leave your house! I did the same thing at that age and I never had a true relationship with my father due to his abusive behavior-you're unhappy and don'tt want to live with him! Try to get a full time job-you'll love your freedom and peace of mind without him !

Op, think back, how many times have you given him chances to change before? I'm betting strongly it's many.

You're scared and it is hard to take the steps you need to, but nothing will change and it's just dragging it out for everyone.

He won't change OP, I know you desperately want him to but after ten years he knows perfectly well that he has been making you miserable and your kids, I don't know why you have stuck it out so long; he sounds insufferable and abusive.

You owe him nothing, in fact he owes you the last ten years at least. Give him a final chance if you want but the outcome will be the same, you are just wasting more time on someone who is basically horrible and nasty and that's the way they are and like it, he's only offering change because he can see you have had enough, it won't work though, unless he gets a full frontal lobotomy.

I know you are all right.

I need to leave.
I won't book any holidays. Promise.

He has never been violent - ever. He did pick the washing up and throw it as it was in his way, but I assure you I am in no physical danger. We have been together for 19 years, and never raised his had to any of us. I am not defending him - I know his behaviour is wrong.

It's definitely a mental abuse issue here. I have been reading about it all night. I'd say he's a narcissist (even tho he thinks I am)

I question my behaviour - he doesn't. That's cos I'm empathetic and he isn't.

I will get all my ducks in a row, bank as much as I can. I've been onto see what I can get and I think I'll manage.

There is a way out. I need your comments to keep me focussed cos boy is it hard when he's promising me the world again, and believe me I look back to the first 5 years of our lives and I loved every minute. Why on earth did it change?

I need to to keep me strong. Thank you for your comments.

It's good you are listening to the advice here.
I know you think he will never hurt you. He may not.
But in lots of abusive relationships, the first instance of actual violence occurs when the woman tries to leave and the man feels he's losing control. When you speak to a woman who has just been physically hurt by her partner /ex, one of the first things she will tell you is that she knew he was controlling/abusive/shouty/road ragey/ racist or any of the rest of the flags BUT SHE NEVER THOUGHT HE WOULD RAISE HIS HAND TO HER.
A lot of us recognise the signs your partner displays as the escalation of abuse. Violence is often the typical progression of this, whether you believe it or not right now.
Good for you for looking into your options re finances etc.
You're doing good, stay strong.

None of us know why they change, and it's especially cruel because you will waste time wishing you could go back to when life was good with him.
Please try and tell someone in real life and get some much needed support.
Now you know what you have to do, try and plan it out and make a break when you are able.
You are strong and you can do this, don't fall for any of his promises that he will change. He can't and doesn't want to. He just wants to stop the break up. It's not you it's him.

I should have added that you will also waste precious time desperately trying to change yourself so he will revert to his behaviour in the beginning.
You can't, the scales have fallen from your eyes and you can now see the real him. And he's a deeply unpleasant person. As others have said now is when it could get worse.
Stay strong and do the right thing for yourself and your children
You can do this, you are capable of living a better life without him

You can't really tell which man is abusive when you pick him, but if you're unlucky enough to choose one with inherent abusive tendencies they will show their true colours eventually , but it can take years. Sometimes they leave a trail of other relationships in which they've been abusive. If you examine these they can range from days to years in terms of how long it took for their abusive nature to reveal itself, it just depends on the conditions .

But it usually always comes out.
It's nothing to do with you, more to do with what they're gaining by maintaining the facade.
Eg, approval, job security, perfect dad status, reliable family man status, and so on.
This is why you will often see the 'bad side' on holiday where they don't have the usual audience.