Resent dh - lack of housework etc

[Littlelambpeep]

Dull thread but dh work pattern means he has several hours to himself at home whole I work yet leaves dirty dishes in the sink. No clothes sorted. No housework. I batch cook so no cooking.
This has ruined weekends and today he said let's go out for something to eat. When we returned - several hours later he said what will the dc eat and I said x is in the fridge. Oh I don't want that (so he must have meant what was I cooking - I am not cooking this weekend and told him before going to bed early last night)

So I don't hear anything cooker for dc. Also I did no grocery shopping. Feel petty but something has to change.

Tomorrow i am leaving the house early and going out alone. Could go into work or shopping. How can I solve this.

Have you spoken about it, does he know what he is meant to do each day/week?
I know you should be able to cover that by telling him he is one of the two adults in the house and to pull his weight, but clearly, that is not working.

He never cooks and I do and wad always ok with that but now won't put dishes in the dishwasher or sort at least one job out (for example school uniform for daughter or mop floors or anything).

He knows I am annoyed now. I told him I won't be around for long at this rate. I have a job opportunity an hour and a half away and it is tempting to just move but don't want to throw ten years of marriage down the drain. It's do dull and pointless and lonely.

I actually had this discussion with my OH today, he spent an hour moaning that we spend all Saturday cleaning the house. He feels I'm not pulling my weight, I somewhat disagree!

We've agreed to go back to having a rota, we both get a job a day and areas (types of jobs) we are responsible for, so it doesn't pile up so much. We use to do that and it really helped us both 'see' that the other was pulling their weight.

Do you think your OH could take some areas/jobs that he has to do each week/daily? (Note you have to let them do it their way and when they want to, don't try to micromanage him.)

My ex was like this and resentment ate away at me. He eventually abandoned me and DD which was awful at the time but I often think about how he would come home and just throw himself on the sofa. When I went out for the evening I would come home to a filthy kitchen and piles of dishes yet when he went out he came home to a clean, well ordered home. I'm no pushover but I never found a way to get him to do his share and in retrospect I think he did it because he didn't care about me or how tired and unhappy I was (also worked full time).

Do not let the sunken costs fallacy further cloud your judgment here.

All this about throwing a 10 year relationship away is really the sunken costs fallacy in action. The rota idea will not likely work either because you could well end up doing that too or he will do those tasks so badly that you will never ask him again.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Would you want your dc to have a marriage like this, for this to be their norm too?

Try the rota. Make it together. Don't just put a job each on there as he may finish it badly in five mins whilst you are doing a proper job elsewhere for 20mins. Put aside 30 mins per day to spend on housework. If he finishes in five mins he can do the next thing on the list.

He is good with dc - had the sense to take them out when they are rowdy etc.

He will put washing in the machine and sometimes hang it out but never do the whole job (fold or very quick press if needed or sort and pair socks)
It all seems so trivial but it's pushes me over the edge. He doesn't know how to make a sandwich (not joking - asks how many slices, cheese spread- do i put on butter also?)

I am avoiding him now

I could have written your post word for word OhamIreally. He will not change OP if he’s always been like this. You may have been together for 10 years but do you want to spend the rest of your life being his servant?

He does know how to make a sandwich. He’s faking incompetence so you’ll get fed up with the questions and do it yourself in the future for an easy life. My ex was a whizz at the Xbox but ‘struggled to work the washing machine’. If they want to do it, they’ll do it.

It's very tedious OP and you have my sympathies. Resentment is very toxic to relationships as is the assumption that you as the woman, will do most/all of the housework.

Tell him too utube it...
Repeat each time.

I'm about 10000% certain we are married to the same useless fucker....

I feel ya! My OH works full time and I don't so he thinks it's alright to not lift a finger at home! I get that he works and I don't so I should do most of the housework but he doesn't even put his dirty washing in the wash basket! And his excuse?... "I work hard so I just wanna chill the f**k out"

I think I've come to the consensus that men are useless with house work! 🙈

Print out the organised mum method daily tasks. Laminate them and get him to delegate.

@SophieLouise93 only if you let them. Not all men are anything.

Learned incompetence is a tactic used by some men to get out of doing tasks that they feel is beneath them I.e. it is yours aka the woman’s job.

Not all men by any means are useless with housework.

Another here where dh works ft and im now a sahm so im expected to do everything. Im fed up. My days are school run, try and keep on top of house work and look after a toddler, dinner dishes bed .. Repeat. My nan just died hes been no help no support. Comes home later and later. Tomorrow will be another day running about while he sits on his arse

Stop doing anything for him and then send the man back to his mother.

Why are you married to him at all?

I never said all men and I've tried leaving his dirty clothes and just doing mine and DD clothes, leaving his dishes, it doesn't work! So of anyone has some useful advice please help!

Doesn't know how to make a sandwich or being deliberately incompetent so you take over?

The way men are treated as boys by their mums plays a massive part IMO. If they have had everything done for them they are absolutely useless, lazy and entitled.

Boys should be taught to live independently and look after themselves as should girls, and nip this nonsense in the bud from an early age.

The only thing I can suggest is allocation of specific jobs so he has to take responsibility for something, as at the moment hes just an extra child to carry.

Draw up a list of everything that needs doing in a week, absolutely everything. Sit down together and divide up the list equally. We’ve done it like this for years, don’t need a list now but discuss who has what commitments and availability.

Do not accept this from him Sophie. All you are doing here really is further making a rod for your own back. Would you want your dad to have a relationship like yours is?.

It’s not your fault that your man is so useless but do not further facilitate his life with you. This man thinks that the housework is your job and your job only.

I think I've come to the consensus that men are useless with house work!🙈
My DH certainly isn't - his mum would be turning in her grave if he was.
He, like me, sees housework as a necessary part of being an adult and living in a pleasant home.