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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Resent dh - lack of housework etc

47 replies

Littlelambpeep · 12/01/2019 18:23

Dull thread but dh work pattern means he has several hours to himself at home whole I work yet leaves dirty dishes in the sink. No clothes sorted. No housework. I batch cook so no cooking.
This has ruined weekends and today he said let's go out for something to eat. When we returned - several hours later he said what will the dc eat and I said x is in the fridge. Oh I don't want that (so he must have meant what was I cooking - I am not cooking this weekend and told him before going to bed early last night)

So I don't hear anything cooker for dc. Also I did no grocery shopping. Feel petty but something has to change.

Tomorrow i am leaving the house early and going out alone. Could go into work or shopping. How can I solve this.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2019 19:35

Your daughter not dad sophie

Original poster

Littlelambpeep · 12/01/2019 19:36

He was brought up by a mother who spoilt him - lovely but ruined them . There is a party next weekend I will be expected to go but I feel at the moment like booking a hotel sat and getting away. So dh will have to explain that one. Feels so fake.

OP posts:

LadyLapsang · 12/01/2019 19:36

SophieLouise, dealing with a man who won't do his washing is easy. Ignore it. If it gets on your nerves, bag it up and put it in the garage or garden shed.

Regarding making a sandwich, unless it was a child or someone with learning difficulties, I would just smile and say, I don't know, do you know no-one ever taught me.

Littlechocola · 12/01/2019 19:43

You kind of did though Sophie.

Op, you are not his mother. He contributes or fucks off.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 12/01/2019 19:47

Omg my ex did all this fake incompetent shit, I put up chore rotas etc and he would either forget, do a shit job, or want a medal for putting a washload on.

His lazy dumbass act stopped me ever wanting to have sex with him as it was infuriating and deeply unattractive. I solved his stupidity by leaving him and guess what? He now lives on his own and has to do all the boring house crap. Problem solved.

Dump the useless twat, op, and save years of your time hoping he will grow up.

SophieLouise93 · 12/01/2019 21:00

Like when he does clean he full on cleans like spend literally all day cleaning and I've said to him in the past if it carries on I'm walking and taking DD with us, he's lived on his own before so he's done his on washing up, cleaning and dishes before so I know he knows how to do it has just acting like a little kid, I've tried leaving his stuff but I just get annoyed with all the mess and end up doing it myself

NotTheFordType · 12/01/2019 21:13

Like when he does clean he full on cleans like spend literally all day cleaning and I've said to him in the past if it carries on I'm walking and taking DD with us

...Why?

Butteredghost · 12/01/2019 21:21

Really I don't think it's the mother's fault when it comes to useless men. Their mother never showed them how to play xbox either, yet they seem to have worked that one out.

SophieLouise93 · 12/01/2019 21:44

NotTheFordType

Why what?

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/01/2019 21:55

Really I don't think it's the mother's fault when it comes to useless men. Their mother never showed them how to play xbox either, yet they seem to have worked that one out.

Well yes and no. Of course anyone who can work a playstation can work a washing machine. But what she has taught him is that housework is not something he should ever think about or put himself out to do. Someone else, usually in possession of ovaries, will do it for him.

Butteredghost · 12/01/2019 22:02

Yes and no, most mothers not only don't teach kids to play video games but they also try endlessly to teach their kids not to play video games - yet they still do. I think what it boils down to is if they don't want to do something they won't.

SophieLouise93 · 12/01/2019 22:06

I completely agree, if someone doesn't want to do something, they simply won't do it, but does anyone have any tips and how to get my OH to help out?

SilverySurfer · 12/01/2019 22:09

If this is a recent thing maybe he will change but it sounds like it's long term, in which case you have enabled him for years and I wish you luck getting him to change. The time to fix it was when you both moved in together.

If he's really reluctant he will doubtless become a professional incompetent, doing things so badly that you will never ask him again.

Original poster

Littlelambpeep · 12/01/2019 22:18

The mistake I made was not living together before marriage. It spoilt the first year of marriage and I deeply regret it. But we sorted a lot out. (He would go to his parents at the weekend and sit and drink tea - pampered I would say) while I was at home with crying baby. I told him to leave at one point. I was very angry.

We've been fine for years but this type of job has thrown up all the old issues. We have had a (well I've cried) chat and his promises he won't leave the house like it was. That I leave dishes (er... I leave the house with two small dc for 8!!) Not with six hours to spare.

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/01/2019 22:21

does anyone have any tips and how to get my OH to help out?

Well for a start, stop looking at it like him helping out. He lives there too and he has a responsibility. He puts in or he doesnt get to take out. Stop cooking, shopping and washing for him. If he makes a mess then leave it on his side of the bed. Put anything he leave lying around in a bin bag, again next to the bed.

Stop doing anything for him that he doesnt do for you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/01/2019 22:23

I've tried leaving his stuff but I just get annoyed with all the mess and end up doing it myself

And he knows you will, you always blink first. You have to stick to it. Just make sure that his stuff is always out of the way. With regards to dirty pots etc, leave his with his stuff in the bin bag. Wash up yours and the kids, but not his. You will have to hold out in order to make a point.

SophieLouise93 · 12/01/2019 22:34

Thanks ladies! Love the bin bag idea! And I have to stick with it cause like you said he knows I'll end up doing it

thefourgp · 12/01/2019 22:45

It annoys me when people solely refer to mothers teaching their sons to do housework/cook etc. There’s never any mention of the father who is the role model of what a grown man should be like. Good luck OP. I tried it all and absolutely nothing made him change for longer than a couple of days. His dirty clothes lay in a smelly pile in the spare room for months, the cigarette butts cluttered the back garden so the kids couldn’t play there, he’d let the bin over flow onto the kitchen floor etc. People who say if you stop doing things for him he’ll eventually do them himself are wrong. And I agree with the poster who said he’s not helping you out or doing you a favour. it’s about working as a team to keep your joint home clean and somewhere nice to live. X

LadyLapsang · 12/01/2019 22:53

He'll realise you mean it when he asks you about the whereabouts of his shirts, socks and pants....then you go out for the day and leave him with the DCs.

SophieLouise93 · 12/01/2019 23:15

thefourgp I agree with you, my OH's dad isn't exactly a role model when it comes to pulling his weight so I would say he's learnt his behaviour off his dad

Mummyshark2018 · 12/01/2019 23:24

Not all men are like this. My dh works shifts and starts at lunchtime (until 10pm), four days a week. When me and dc get back after school /work, dog has cheek walked, house has been cleaned (hoovered, dishes done) , smells lovely and at least 1 wash done and hung up. We've got into a bit of a routine now, but our days are flipped so he knows when I get home I do the homework, dinner, bedtime so only fair that he does his share!
Like others said if he does not have the initiative to get on with it then a Rota might work

pissedonatrain · 12/01/2019 23:26

It's about respect and the learned mentality that these things aren't my job and someone else should do them for me.

Just came here from another thread where a mum is having issues with her DS age 10 leaving pee in the toilet seat. Small things like that is where this shite begins.

I had an ex who wouldn't clean at all. Leaving it did no good at all. It just piled up to a disgusting mess. I went on a dishes strike and just left his. And someone came over and saw that mess and guess who was chastised for not cleaning it up? Me!

Then he started to clean his plate and fork and just leave everything else and he'd say, well I cleaned up after myself. Hmmm but he forgot the 5 dirty pans he used and the mess from spills on the cooker, the bench tops, etc.

He was just being a disrespectful passive agressive arse. Taking the piss.

It is disrespect plain and simple. The pretend incompetence. If they are that damn incompetent, having to be told step by step every detail of how and when to do something, then how do they ever manage to hold down a job?

I think you have to be blunt about it and tell them you refuse to be their skivvy anymore. They can grow up and take pride and responsibility in their home like an adult or you will leave.

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