Post affai... How long were you suspicious and paranoid?

[dischargepaperwork]

And when will I be being unreasonable?

He did what he did (short intense emotional affair, no sex as I found out quite early on) and we tried a bit of counselling and now it's two years later.

Today I saw a new chat app pop up in his phone and I'm right back in it. It's probably nothing, he's an i.t. Geek and probably got himself a new platform or whatever. And so what why shouldn't he.

Except in my head it's an attempt to cover tracks, it's a beautiful intelligent sassy sex machine consoling him on being stuck boring fat wife and promising him the moon.

Do I demand a tour of the phone? Or trust him. Or leave it to fate and keep the dignity of silence.

Or go mad. Or pickle in my own bitterness. And put more weight on.

This is the long term damage and this is why marriages like mine become hideous, the bitterness and jealousy just ferments.

Leaving a man you no longer trust is also an option.

Yes it is.

And it's there but you know, we're happy and functioning and living. I'd like to move on past it and enjoy a happy married life again.

Somehow Need to get past it.

I’m really sorry but you don’t sound happy and functioning, you sound like you’re getting by day to day but the lack of trust could surface at any time

Could more counselling help? This will drive you crackers if you don’t address it

We have a happy working marriage day to day... Occasionally I get a blow or a reminder and it's painful and shakes me. I don't want to leave, I think we can be OK.

There must be people who have got though something similar and gone on to have working marriages.

But yes, potential for going crackers definitely there!

I’m kind of screaming “you can’t!” internally but I respect that you’re not ready to leave. I read “I Love You But I Don’t Trust You” by Mira Kirshenbaum in a previous relationship and it did have some good advice about the kind of conversations you need to have and what he needs to give you to earn back your trust. It did help in terms of figuring out how to talk it through, but we broke up in the end. Has your DH been good at talking things through with you and seeing things from your perspective, understanding how he hurt you, etc?
And
It sucks.

A "functioning" "working" marriage sounds a bit dismal tbh. It sounds like hard work. I don't think you'll ever get it back to the way it was pre-affair because you'll always feel that he could get up to his old tricks (irrespective of whether he does). So, it's a question of deciding whether you can live like this.

Well regardless of how our marriage may sound or even look to others, it is my belief that we are in love and we wish to make it work.

I wondered if anyone else's marriage had survived an affair and how they dealt with the confidence and trust issues that brings.

I wish to be active and responsible. In managing my own growth and journey through this. Dh will always be a clam shell and struggle to talk and in fact that suits my own private and independent ways. However I do not want to be a phone checking wife. I want to move on. I know we can't go back to where it was but surely we can go somewhere different and it doesn't have to involve separation.

I wondered if anyone else relaxed in time and felt less suspicious of new or unknown things like work training or new phones and all the things that trigger worry.

Therapy may be helpful, I suppose I was hoping hearing from others might be a form of therapy for me.

I hated therapy I thought I'd get a lot from it but we're all so tired in the evenings. Neither of us felt like such hard hard work, in all honesty!
On the way home we would both agree the marriage would be better served by getting the same childcare arrangements for us to go get drunk and have loads of sex

Which chat app is it? Kik for instance is often used by cheaters, more so than WhatsApp due to the anonymity

I never got over it. I loved him as much as I ever did but couldn't get past it. Eventually, three years later, I asked him to leave. The peace of mind once I'd made the decision was exquisite. Still single because I'd never trust anyone not to do the same thing, no idea to move on from it really and have spent enough on counselling.

Cookmysock1 I asked him and its a messaging app he's trying and the pop up was a receipt for shoes. I don't feel bad for asking and he is happy to hand over his phone anytime.
Which means didly really as you'd just get another wouldn't you.

Gloomy Monday, I hope you're in an OK place now though.

8 months on... it was short lived, emotional with slagging me off. He treated me like dirt of his shoe for 7 months prior (messages span 1 month). He acted odd with his phone one night and I made a mental note to check it when I had a chance. 2 days later he left it home and was a friday. I found out 9am Friday morning, I had left by 2pm that Friday. Before he got home from work. (I work from home) I packed up all of mine and ds stuff and went 300 miles back home.

Now. I am back. I took his phone with me and inspected it through and through(It's in my name also). I left my mobile number to discuss ds.

Dp came home that lovely Friday, the day before his birthday, to an empty flat and his passport application form with a message saying "here's the application to the passport to go and visit Heidi in USA. Hope it's worth it"

He brought a payphone and rang.

Begged. Pleaded. Yada yada...

I came back a month later.

He is on the understanding I do not trust him. His phone is open. When he messages sometimes I look at who it is too. I have the passcode.

So no, the trust is not back. Dp is back to being the partner he was in the beginning. He deleted her off and has absolutely 0 contact.

If he does it again I am gone. I will not stand for it. If he does do it, I will find out one way or another. So I am not panicking either.

Our counsellor told me it can take two years. She also told my husband his job is to reassure. So yeah, it's tough and sometimes I need to ask, but we keep talking. It's been 2 years since he disclosed historical affairs after a breakdown.
Counselling for you might help too.
Best of luck
Xx

He brought a payphone and rang

Does he still have this payphone?

@queen it's in the house, but it's flat and in the cupboard in the kitchen

Oh ok that's good!

There's a lot of us in this boat I believe.

You’ll never get past it op and even if you do get past it at no point whatsoever will you be ever be unreasonable for worrying or asking or being suspicious.
He destroyed your happy marriage and if it takes him reassuring you every day for the rest of your marriage that everything is ok, then that’s exactly what he should be doing and what you deserve.

I thought I had a wonderful perfect and happy marriage until I found out about exh affair and I never got over it. It took two years of harm to my emotional and mental health before I finally realised I deserved better and left.

The trust never came back, I would constantly check his phone when he was asleep, if he was home late I assumed he was having another affair. In my case he still was, being caught just made him smarter and made him cover his tracks more. He would download messaging apps every morning on the way to work and delete them on his way home every night.

When I found out about my husbands first affair it just felt like a bomb had gone off in our perfect world and I forgive him too quickly because I just wanted my perfect world back how it was. It took me two years to realise I was never getting my world back the way it was.

I’m so much happier without him than I was with him after I found out. It’s no good for your mental health to be constantly suspicious and trying to snoop over his shoulder without being obvious about it ( I’m not saying you do this but I did) I constantly tried to check his mobile phone, I worried about every time he was home late, whether he had any secret email accounts or phones. I worried about whether he was having an affair with someone from work it was constantly at the back of my mind.
Everyone deserves better than to spend their lives worrying about whether their partner, is going to stay faithful to them again. And let’s be honest anyone who does that anyway isn’t exactly the cream of the crop and they don’t deserve so much of your mental well-being.

Two weeks ago I discovered that hubby had been messaging a woman he had met online. He said it was just friendship and someone to chat to, but did delete the messages so there's still that niggle that it was something more. Obviously it's still quite raw and fresh with me but hubby has admitted to being in the wrong and is now doing whatever is possible to reassure me and build that trust back. I do believe we can work past it in time and I'm just being very honest with him about any doubts I have or concerns. So I understand where your coming from, sorry I have no actual advice though and hope that you do find some peace.

Oh op what a horrid hell you are in, i dont have any advice to add, but i am sending you a hand hold and a hug.

Thank you all.

Not feeling alone is half the battle, it definitely helps to hear all of these points of view and not live in an echo chamber.

The time beteeen the worries and suspicions and almost flashbacks is getting further but it's all still horrible when they pop up. I'm sure until you've been through it it's hard to wrap your head around. I'd really understand someone saying oh get on and move on stop dragging it up. But it just intrudes.

And you change. I initially felt no animosity to the ow. She owes me nothing after all. Now I'd quite like to rip her head off, which would serve no purpose but perhaps let the world know how absolutely pissed I am about this. And I feel like telling the children (I won't). Must be coming into an angry phase.

It took me 1 year to forgive my husband (or at least distance myself from the pain and anger of it) 2 years to love him again and to feel some level of trust.
Several years on, I don't feel constantly suspicious or anything, but I sleep with one eye open if you know what I mean! Certainly nowhere near 100% trust him and why should I. But we have a nice time together.

Glad this turned out to be nothing sinister but don't ever blame yourself for feeling suspicious / wanting to check up on him. He's caused you to feel that way by his actions and his capability to deceive.

Thank you. I'm glad you're in a good place now! Or a better place than the early days. Is sleeping with one eye open going to be OK for you? You don't sound bitter which is good. It's a bit of a tendancy in me anyway so I'm scared of that.

I don't feel bad for doubting him... I feel bad for bringing it up and spoiling his day. It can't be nice being reminded of a failing and not knowing when you'll be questioned. I feel for him, in all honesty.
I really really hope one day I'm... Not over it as that's not possible or desirable...but something else.

I don't see any other way.
I can't help but half expect him to do it again, because regarding cheating I think you are either emotionally able to do it, and lie about it or you're not. And my DH certainly is. He'd have never come clean about it by himself.

I'm no idiot and I try to do what I can to make sure that if something happened in the future I'd be ok leaving him - I'd be able to manage. After the cheating I got myself a job, put some savings to one side for myself, bills etc went into my name and I took over the majority of household admin. I've tried to put much more effort into friendships and psychologically became my own person again after being so completely part of a couple for 12years. I'm in the relationship because I want be, not because I need him and I think that's important. I like knowing I could walk away and have a life that's fine, but I'm with him because I love him and we're happy. I'm happier now than a few years back for sure. When I felt really reliant and really lost.