Post affai... How long were you suspicious and paranoid?

[dischargepaperwork]

And when will I be being unreasonable?

He did what he did (short intense emotional affair, no sex as I found out quite early on) and we tried a bit of counselling and now it's two years later.

Today I saw a new chat app pop up in his phone and I'm right back in it. It's probably nothing, he's an i.t. Geek and probably got himself a new platform or whatever. And so what why shouldn't he.

Except in my head it's an attempt to cover tracks, it's a beautiful intelligent sassy sex machine consoling him on being stuck boring fat wife and promising him the moon.

Do I demand a tour of the phone? Or trust him. Or leave it to fate and keep the dignity of silence.

Or go mad. Or pickle in my own bitterness. And put more weight on.

This is the long term damage and this is why marriages like mine become hideous, the bitterness and jealousy just ferments.

10 years later I am only not paranoid because we split up before Xmas. Up until then? Every. Single. Day. Every time he was a bit late, every time his phone lit up, every time he mentioned someone new at work, every little thing that means nothing in a trusting relationship was lit up in Neon letters.

It never ever stops. It almost destroyed me and I will never trust another man again. I know thats unfair as not all of them cheat, but frankly after the years of lies and bullshit, I will never trust again.

Well it's reasonable to be paranoid if your previously unfaithful H is using new messaging platforms.

Between test/iMessages/WhatsApp/snapchat there's really no reason for people in the U.K. to be using other apps e.g. Kik, telegram etc

Ok I’m going to chime in here. I think you may be rug sweeping this affair... wanting to move past it quickly without really exploring the how’s and why’s. I get that. I would have done the same if my husband had appeared in the marriage.

The go to book for affair recovery is ‘how to help your spouse heal’ and part of their recommendations is absolute transparency on the part of the cheater. You should have access to his phone and laptops etc. You shouldn’t be in a position where his phone blings or you catch a glimpse of an app and your mind is not put at rest. Thevtriggers must be awful for you. Affairs are incredibly damaging for the betrayed and he should be moving hell and high water to prove to you that he will not break your trust again. You certainly shouldn’t feel like you’re putting him through some sort of purgatory, he brought this on himself...

They say it takes 2-5 years to heal from the trauma of an affair, emotional or passionate, so what you’re going through is entirely normal. I feel for you, it sucks big time!

I'm only about 3 months in from finding out about my DH's affair, although I had suspected for years. It was very short-lived - someone he met through work whilst he was away and slept with them - it continued over the following 6 months or so as an emotional/online affair as they lived in different countries. I only found out when I saw a Facebook message between them when he asked me for some information from another message when I was on his laptop (idiot) that I initially dismissed as just friendly, possibly mildly flirtatious but essentially harmless. It stuck in my mind though and I eventually had another look and read the rest of the communications. None of it actually spelt out that they had slept with each other but I hit the roof anyway. He absolutely insisted that it was just him being a twat and nothing physical had happened, I eventually accepted this and we rebuilt our relationship.

But 5 years later it was still playing on my mind. We went to counselling where he still insisted his innocence, but I just didn't believe him - nor did the counsellor when I read out some of the messages they had sent each other - she said "well if he's not going to tell you maybe you should get in touch with her". So I did - and lo and behold they did have sex, which if I'm honest with myself I already knew.

I threw him out, he was inconsolable, to the point that I had to ask mutual friends to check on his welfare. I eventually allowed him to come back on the proviso that he went to counselling (there was a hell of a lot of crap from his childhood and adolescence he'd never dealt with that could quite possibly have contributed to his behaviour). He is saying all the right things, doing all the right things and still seeing the counsellor - but I really don't know what he can do that will convince me that I can trust him again and am taking one day at a time. I may one day - maybe tomorrow or maybe in 5 years time - just think "fuck this, I can't do it" and off I go.

So if you or anyone else have any blinding flashes of inspiration then please let me know.

@Ladybug123 - is that the one by Linda MacDonald?

Thanks everyone :-)

It's 2 years - well almost. I've done a lot of why's and how's although dh has struggled as he simply finds it haaaaard. Not as in he doesn't want to or isn't brave or doesn't care enough, he finds it hard like it's learning brain surgery or something. He struggles to see it.

I just hope someone somewhere has managed to assimilate an affair into a happy life. I'll look up the book. Nice to know it's normal. Maybe it mimics the grief cycle.

I've forgiven him, long ago. I didn't find that hard tbh. I am quite forgiving as I'm quite good at seeing we at all small steps away from making glorious fuck ups in life.

I dunno, problem was, my ex kept giving me excellent reasons to distrust him, so I've no idea if I could have ever got over it.

I do know how it feels though. I sympathise.

For me, best decision I made was to end it. That weight of pain and stress over it just gone. But like I say, ex continued to be a cheating barst.

The problem is also if you are paranoid and check up all the time, you may also find other crap you don’t like, who knew I was married (still am) to a guy that likes to crack off to lesbian porn 4/5 times a week the minute I leave in a morning (and no, he doesn’t know I know) and yes he does know what I think about it, ‘very occasional’ as he has said to me, I can live with, a habit like brushing your teeth, I am really not so sure I can live with that

problem was, my ex kept giving me excellent reasons to distrust him, so I've no idea if I could have ever got over it.

This is me too, so perhaps my post above was not strictly true. I didnt get over it because there was always something else. He is a broken man as he has lost everything he loved, me and DD, but still didnt stop lying and cheating. I cant help thinking that his cheating was a pathological reaction to his very troubled childhood.

Whatever, I wasnt prepared to take it any longer. I loved him, I still do. I love the man he can be when his issues dont take him over. But I cant take it any more so I left him.

PyongyangKipperbang you are where I think I will be in the next few years (or months - I just dunno!)

IME you never fully get over it and let go. You always remember every time something seems off, he's working back, he's out after work, etc you always wonder what's really going on.

Once trust has been broken in this way you never fully get over it and forget about it because there will always be the possibility of them doing it again and chances are they will to some extent.

I'm inclined to think you're right TooManyPuppies. It's going to be a case of living alongside it and making sure it doesn't poison everything else.

Before and after he has been nothing but attentive and gentle and caring. In fact I would have said he was and is devoted to me. He seemed to 'flip out'. Or I'm a naïve daft cow who can't see what is in front of me. I don't believe that though, I'm a clinical thinker and brave. I'm quite strong. I think,

I’d agree with pp, you will spend the rest of your life wondering if that text he just got is from someone he’s fucking or is about to fuck. That’s no no way to live.

Not long enough as it turns out. After 6 years I discovered via a software update and coincidence that he'd been back in touch with his 1 month fling.
And he was one of those men you would never think would do it in the first place.
Do yourself a massive favour and get rid of him.

Thank you to all of you for your considered advice and personal experiences. I'm a bit surprised and more than a bit sad that there aren't more examples of it working out long term. However that is important for me to see.

I do believe people can make mistakes, plain and simple mistakes that have huge ripples they simply never considered.

But I do hear the warnings and I do realise I could be wasting my life waiting to feel better about this when all that can be done is walk away.

Cuppa tea yes it’s the Linda Mac Donald one.

Surviving infidelity may be a great resource for you. There are plenty of people there where they are reconciling or have reconciled successfully. But it does take a lot of work. The how’s and why’s should be your husband, you working out it, isn’t going to fix what led him to have the affair. Affairs of any kind are about something missing in the cheater, not in the marriage. If he doesn’t put in the work then he’s at risk of it happening again. That’s what happened to the posters. My husband had an emotional and passionate affair. He’s won’t read, won’t listen to podcasts, won’t see a counsellor won’t do anything to work out why. He left me and and young family over this moron he met. He says he’s sorry, he regrets itetc etc and I believe him but he won’t do any work to repair himself. Therefore he remains unsafe as a partner for me. They have to put some energy into working out how and why they could have behaved in such a destructive manner.

I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life checking phones or wondering where he was when he was late. It just kept taking up so much time and brain space, and was terrible for my mental health. I felt angry all the time, not even so much about the affair, but for putting me in a position where I had to deal with this crap. Ending the relationship two years on from finding out was like taking off a lead cloak. I didn’t have to devote any more energy to it, didn’t have to think about it, didn’t have to care. It was so liberating.

I'm a bit surprised and more than a bit sad that there aren't more examples of it working out long term. However that is important for me to see.

In saying you never get over it some people are able to move on and stay together happily. But aside from the happiness there will always be the wonder, the checking phones, suspicion, etc.

Doesn't mean they didn't remain together and make it work, some people cope with the insecurity and lack of trust by checking up now and then, others can't live like that long term so it doesn't work out.

It just depends if your willing to move on yet be wondering all the time. End of the day it never 100% goes away and can sometimes even affect future relationships as well, wondering if they will end up the same as the last. Once it's happened to you it can be a hard thing to get over and trust anyone at all.

I can't understand why he needs extra messaging apps. Most phones don't need more of them.

I think two things are important here. Firstly let the new app 'bed in' with you totally ignoring and in a few weeks or months ask to look. Do this out of the blue. That's if it's the sort to leave evidence of course.

Secondly, Work on yourself. Lose the weight is you want to. See yourself more as a separate being rather than half of a couple where there was cheating. Look after yourself more and be a little more selfish even? Go out on your own and develop your own interests. Mentally and spiritually sort of slightly separate off from him. It will help you to move forward enormously if you have a refreshed sense of self.

I'm glad working on myself (ourselves) has come up as I have been doing that. No revolutions as yet but I am parcelling up things I'm unhappy about and prioritising them.

I've completely changed the way I work and I've begun to look around the world after a lot of years happily in a baby bubble. I was perfectly happy there but he popped it.

I'm actually more financially reliant on him now that I was before but that it's a necessary side effect of some work tweaks. I could be independent although very poor indeed should the end come.

I really don't want it to.

Thank you for your stories and advice and plain truths. It's been sobering but also a butif a wake up. Don't think I'd realised in what dangerous waters our marriage is in. The Councillor said all that mattered was we loved each other and felt heard. Maybe it's not so simple long term.

I ramble. Sorry

I think what the councillor said is true discharge, I have found the problem was more mental as I simply didn’t feel the same depth of love as before. In my case it was a very old emotional affair I found quite by chance and I couldn’t help but think that for 11 years you looked me in the eye and carried on as normal knowing you did that and also posted away on her FB etc as normal. It’s hard to separate hating the behaviour and yet still feel ‘the same love’ . I think men find it easier to compartmentalise, well that happened and it’s a long time ago and isn’t happening now kind of thing.

I am in a similar position and my worry is the live will fade. I certainly don't feel the same as I did. If the love stays then yes, we may work, but I worry the damage done will erode the good stuff slowly.

Like you said, the whole thing knocks on to everything else it made me realise how vulnerable I really am so before big decisions are made I'll be addressing that problem first!

Love not live