So - I have the evidence, but if I confront him he will just lie.....

[needtohideforawhile]

..just testing the name change first..

OK, name change worked.

I have a copy of an IM conversation which shows that 'D'H is not only having online sex with someone, but that it is someone he works with, with a strong implication that they have had sex (at a conference, I think), and that they are planning to meet up.

I know her name and her work and personal email addresses. Since I dropped a hint he has deleted all traces off his computer (I still have a copy). If I confront him directly I know he will (a) lie and (b) just cover his tracks better.

What would you do?

Depends what you want to achieve. Do you want the marriage to continue? If so, you have to ask yourself if you want a lifetime of dealing with the insecurities and doubts which will plague you as you know he has lied to you.

If you don't, then see a solicitor.

Message withdrawn

sorry to hijack (and huge sympathies to you) but how do you get IM conversations off their system - I know Ep is having this kind of conversation and want to know what is being said for sanity reasons

I honestly don't know. I guess what mostly worries me about the "not" option is the practicalities, since my DC would be certain to lose their home and everything that goes with it - there is no way I could afford to keep it on my own as we can only just afford it between us...

That sounds really shallow. It's not just that. We do get on, mostly, but as you say I am not sure I can deal with knowing that he lies to me. Not that it is news, he has always lied about anything and everything (black is white, if it suits him).

isheisnthe - you have to get in there first! If messenger is on, you can select a contact and look at the message history - only works if they haven't deleted it. I then copied and pasted it into an email.

If you confront him it will turn into an arguement.
Before you do make sure you know what you want to achieve from the conversation.
Do you want him to confess and forgive him.
Do you want him to confess and then leave.
do you want to ignore it and hope it stops on its own.
Or go round to her house and confront her. Tell her to back off and give you both time to sort out your marriage.
Remember you will have to ask questions of yourself as well. Not always a welcome thing to do.
I am sorry you are in this position. Mn ladies are always here to help.

I can get in there - its msn. so I just select the contact and where do I find message history - in tools?

Good luck x

right click the contact - go down to view - then message history. It may well not be there if he is aware you can get into the computer..

I don't know whether to say "hope you find what you are looking for" or the opposite - whichever way, Good Luck.

If I were you I'd have to confront him. He can't really lie, can he, because you have the evidence.

Message withdrawn

No point in confronting her - IMO it damages your dignity and anyway, he's the one mainly at fault here.

It's not the nice things as much as the nice environment to live in, school to go to, etc - which do affect their happiness, and the sense that this is my home and I don't see why him doing something stupid should make me lose it. But it would. Yes he would have to financially support at least the DC but that would never be enough to let us stay here.

what if the person always goes to tools, internet options and clear history - will it be gone then?

If I remember rightly a friend of mine who was being dicorced by his wife (not for infidelity) said that he was advised by his lawyers to move out becaue otherwise she could say that his presence in the house was making her life and that of the children intolerable and so she would be legally allowed to move into comparable accommodation which he would have to pay for. It was therefore in his interests to leave the house. Not sure if this helps your immediate dilemma though. Sorry you're going through this.

isheisnthe - unless he is using the messenger application, yes it will be gone - sorry.

no, I dont know he does that - but I do (as I dont want him to nose what I am up to on here!)

Thanks everyone for your advice and support.

I know I am far from perfect, but I don't think that justifies what he has done.

He knows I know (I can tell by the fact that all traces have suddenly been deleted from his PC) but is just pretending it is not happening. I am being a stupid coward in sitting here crying instead of confronting him with it.

Not sure what I will do, but I think Pennies is right about not confronting her (not that I could, physically - I don't know where she lives!) - it is him who is the problem.

No need to confront him. Just print it out and leave it where he will find it.

So sorry you're going through this.

A copy of msn conversations can be found if you go to Start/My documents/My received files. There are folders for each persons messenger sign in, with all the message histories for each.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Ishe? clearing down your Internet browser history will not clear any MSN conversation history?they are stored differently.
Assuming message history is on ? the only way to clear it is to do it via MSN itself.
If you bring up the MSN contacts list then right click on the contact in question it will bring up a drop down menu ? one of them is ?view? ? hover over this and it will bring up a 2nd drop down tab ? one of them will be ?message history? ? will be greyed out if history collection is not turned on?..

Sorry you're going through this

You most definitely have to confront him. There are issues that need to be addressed of course. But I agree you need to have a think first about what you want after you confront him?

If he's honest and confesses all and can convince you he'll never do it again do you want to try and work through this?

What will it take for him to say/do for you to walk away?

So difficult. I think lots and lots of talking is what you both need. To get to the bottom of why this happened in the first place. And to decide where you both go from here.

I wish you the best of luck xx