So - I have the evidence, but if I confront him he will just lie.....

[needtohideforawhile]

..just testing the name change first..

he uses the separate one - th little green man thing at the bottom - I have gone in to me and I can not even fin the option to view a history - it is MSN - God I would love to get proof - just for myself and so I can show him up for what he is.

Confront your H - but be prepared that he will lie lie lie and lie again - mine ep still is!

Right, you said this:

"I honestly don't know. I guess what mostly worries me about the "not" option is the practicalities, since my DC would be certain to lose their home and everything that goes with it - there is no way I could afford to keep it on my own as we can only just afford it between us...

That sounds really shallow. It's not just that. We do get on, mostly, but as you say I am not sure I can deal with knowing that he lies to me. Not that it is news, he has always lied about anything and everything (black is white, if it suits him)."
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If you don't sort this situation out the reality is that one day he could turn around and deprive you and your child of your home and everything that goes with it.

You need to act in your own and your childs best interests. Find a good family lawyer, take your 'evidence' and find out if a) It gives grounds for a divorce and b)what sort of settlement you could expect.

Then present your findings and your 'evidence ' to your husband and inform him that uhless he is willing to come clean and act like an adult you will take him for every penny he has.

unless

not uhless!

I don't think you have any option but to confront him with what you know and the evidence you've got. What's the alternative? Pretend everything is normal? Not realistic. Confront him, stick to your guns (I KNOW this has happened, don't bother lying' etc) and see what he says. If he is willing to stop this behaviour and go to counselling or something similar, perhaps you can make it work (only you can decide that). Otherwise, better to know now if he's a lying, cheating bastard and leave him than have him lie and cheat for years and years and eventually leave you. Harsh but true.

You are not shallow and nor are you a coward. You have just had your world shattered and your mind is most probably all over the place. Don't be so hard on yourself.

My only advice would be, if you are going to confront him, try to do it when you are calm and more able to present a strong front. Try not to go at him like a screaming banshee not for his benefit! For your's. It's always nice to be the dignified one

Good luck!

Our situations sound very similar. Thanks for your message on my thread. I discovered my husbands cheating in stages over a few days. At each stage he only owned up to what he absolutely had to. I had to collect evidence that he couldn't escape. I think you HAVE to confront him. I took his phone, went through his phone and credit card bills. If he doesn't let you then he has something to hide. Before I spoke to him I rang the OW using his mobile. I didn't speak to her but the way she said 'Well hello there!' was enough for me to know.
When I confronted him I admit I wasn't cool headed about it. Over a few days I fluctuated from calm to complete hysteria. I told him I wanted a divorce (even though I didn't really know what I wanted). Over those few days maybe he realised what he could lose. He's now seeing a counsellor on his own to figure out WHY he did it. We're also going to couples counselling. I've told him that I'm going to give him 3-6 months to prove to me he's changed. At the end of that period I will decide if I want to stay. So he's kindof on probation. After his behaviour I need to feel in control. One thing though - during counselling I've realised some of my own bad behaviour. I'm not perfect either. Be prepared for that.

MSN conversations are only stored if the options has been selected in MSN.

As Sugarybits has already said they can be found if you go to Start/My documents/My received files.

If there's nothing there, then the option hasn't been activated. You could switch it on. It's not obvious whether it's on or not, so unless he checks it everytime he uses MSN then this would work.

Make sure you have copies of the conversation he had with her before you confront him, because he might tear it up, or delete the file or whatever.

I second what others have said here about confronting him not her, she may know he's married and not give a shit, but at the end of the day he's the one who made vows to you and broke them, venting at her may make you feel better temporarily but it won't really achieve anything, and at worse she could try to get you done for harassment.

It doesn't matter if he lies to you, because you have the evidence. He'll know even as he says it that it's pointless to lie.

Why are these men so bloody WEAK?

It doesn't matter if he denies it. You have the evidence. You don't need to screw a confession out of him. You only need to decide what you want to do. If you think divorce is a possibility then see a lawyer. In fact, I'd see a lawyer anyway because who knows what's going on in his mind. Sorry to hear that it's happened.

for you.i can imagine at the moment youre still hoping that somehow it isnt true.i know thats how i felt when i got eveidence of what my xh had been upto behind my back.

i agree with those whove said you need to know exactly what you want when you confront him.if you want the marriage to be over,and you are sure that nothing he says will make you change your mind,then be calm,and clear,and straight with him.(ie,ive found this on your pc.dont bother saying anything,just pack your things and leave.ive seen a solicitor who has said i will get the house when the divorce goes through so you may as well go now.you have 15 minutes.')

if you think you may be able to forgive him,then just confront him with the evidence and see what the sorry excuse for a man has to say for himself(but if he tries to imply that you are in any way to blame then stick your fingers in your ears and go 'lalalala').

councelling can make you see what you've done wrong in a relationship,i was with a violent man for 4 years but i wasn't an angel myself,i was a PITA alot of the time.but that didnt give him the right to hit me,just as however you may have acted or not acted doesnt excuse your h lying to you and cheating on you.

there should be no apportionaing o blame. rigt now instead of Dallas style confrontation, you need to be very clear on fnances and legal sitation.

You need to go to cab and get free session with solicitor. You need to be n full possession o the facts before you can truly make a decisin.

Thanks Custardo and all. He has made it seem my fault (if you don't want me then....) and now I really don't know what I want. Apart from peace and quiet and time to think - and who with DC ever gets that?! I get so absorbed in putting on a good face for everyone else I almost believe it myself - perhaps because I want to. I don't know. Except that I really can't go to the CAB because one of the advisors there is the mother of one of DS's friends at school.

you can go to a nother CAB.

look - if you want to start find ing out - you can- if you dont really wan to - then you will see obsticles.

your not makig decision by finding out facts - your just finding out facts.

so find out. make sure you gather copies of bank statements over the next few months and make sure that you keep them in ordr, know your income and expenditure.

look on www.entitledto.co.uk for advice on what benefis yo may be entitled to.

if you own a house together you will need legal advice - phone solicitors from the phone book or google them in your area and ask them if they do free initial sessions. many do.
when you have an apointment, if you are not sure what you are asking then come back to us. you need to make the most of that free half an hour - so a list of questions writen to tae with you would be sensible

so you can get some leal advice, you can get some info on enefits - you have the internet- a vast vast research tool at your disposal.

just because you are finding out facts - doesn't mean you have made a decision.

i was pissed last night - and was being quite nice if i do say so myself.

however, i wouldnt need to getmy dh to admit anything. if i was sufficiantly sure he was having an afair - i would be making plans to make a life without him.

thats what i did,i found out all the facts before i confronted xh,so that he couldnt say 'im not going to leave' or whatever.but i was sure i wanted him out and that i had no feelings left for him whatsoever.

if you need time to think about what you want,then tell him to bugger off for a few days or something.

but i think when you've found out what your finacial/housing situation would be without him,then you will feel a bit stronger in yourself.

i just wonder how it can be your fault that he is having an affair.