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Original poster

Second phone found

49 replies

Ferfeckssake · 12/01/2019 12:33

I caught my DH with a second phone last weekend.Thought it was just porn, then realised it was gay site .
Locked myself in bathroom and then it became clear that , while working away , he was having an EA long distance affair.With
a woman.
Then the fucking phone died! I put it away safe.
Since then, we have spent the week trying to decide what to do.I always said it would be a deal breaker but we are married 30 years this year and are going to go to counselling.But I am holding on to right to kick him out at any moment.
He is distraught, had been going to therapy for depression .Said he felt like he was losing his way totally, going to a dark place.And wasn't enjoying it .
So, do I activate phone to go through it completely? Or get rid? I am not worried about him, just wondering if I should put myself through it .Terrified I will be traumatised with actual seeing stuff that will constantly be in my mind forever.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2019 12:37

I would not bother looking at this second phone and I would be asking him to leave and give you some space.

Who suggested counselling, him?. He seems also to be using depression as an excuse for his bad behaviour here.

Counselling for your own self and without him being present may be advisable. Have you thought about actually divorcing your H?. Do not let the sunken costs fallacy further cloud your own decision making processes here.

NightOwlHoney · 12/01/2019 12:40

I'm sorry this has happened to you Thanks. From my own personal experience, if you think you have seen enough to have decided what you think you want to do next, don't dig any more. It does stay with you. The words are burned into your mind and will return over and over again. What I might be inclined to do in your shoes though is to hold onto the phone and let your DH think you've read it all to encourage him to be open and honest about everything.

Original poster
Ferfeckssake · 12/01/2019 12:50

Thank you. Glad both of you said to probably not check it .Guess the details don't count.
It isn't a week yet so haven't made any decisions. He said he was willing to do anything I wanted to try and see if the marriage could be continued , I said counselling. But as a MNer said that doesn't mean that 6 months down the line I can change my mind. No young kids so just have to think of myself.
Wondering if anyone has ever recovered from this kind of thing and stayed married ?

OP posts:
Jsku · 12/01/2019 13:23

Part of rebuilding and making marriage work again is somehow restoring trust.
I don’t know how you would be able to do it if you don’t know what really happened.
You’ll always wonder if he told you the whole truth.
And you know full well they never do. It’s human nature to minimise.

So - up to you, really

NightOwlHoney · 12/01/2019 13:24

Different circumstances as we have DC but I stayed. If I'm honest, we would never have made it if we didn't have the DC. It's been the hardest thing I've ever done. My whole life fell apart, I had a breakdown and it's taken nearly 3 years to feel like I'm getting my life back.

SandyY2K · 12/01/2019 14:41

Everyone is different...but I'd have to know what else was on it.

How do you forgive when you don't have all the information.

I mean other messages could be him slagging you off. Or saying he was planning to leave.

Ragaroo · 12/01/2019 14:55

I would go through the phone entirely and thoroughly, otherwise I'd always be wondering what the full truth was.
You can only fix this when you know what you're fixing.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 12/01/2019 15:52

I’d have to go through the phone. I’d need to know instead of always wondering.

Theimpossiblegirl · 12/01/2019 15:55

I'd need to know everything before deciding if we could move on from something like this. Otherwise I'd always be wondering. Better to be fully informed.

Dunin · 12/01/2019 15:58

I’d have to know. I’d want to know if he or she stopped the affair.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/01/2019 16:00

I think you need to see everything in that phone. Why live in denial and ignorance now? You already know he cheated, you need to know everything.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 12/01/2019 16:16

I'd need to see everything.

Feckers2018 · 12/01/2019 16:50

I would have already charged it and looked through it. How do you know the full extent otherwise. You need to know of course you do. What about gay hook ups etc.
You are being taken for a fool otherwise.

Feckers2018 · 12/01/2019 17:31

how do you know affair was EA?

SortingItOut · 12/01/2019 17:45

He is distraught, had been going to therapy for depression .Said he felt like he was losing his way totally, going to a dark place.And wasn't enjoying it .

My husband used to say similar when I caught him messaging other women, I stayed because the threatened to kill himself if I didn't plus we had a daughter who adored him.

17 years I put up with that shit and then ended it all last year, he has never been so shocked and he even overdosed and was sectioned last month.

He cant get his head round why I ended the marriage, I made a rod for my own back by always brushing it under the carpet and pretending it hadn't happened.

He's since told me that he did for an ego boost/attention/whatever and never intended to leave me...apparently I should have stayed and just put up with it!!!

I lost the trust in my marriage right from the start, he had no reason not to trust me but always thought I was having affairs - presumably it was the guilt talking and he knew if he could do it then I must be.

rachelfrost · 12/01/2019 17:50

I’d have to look at it. Save him telling you what was on the phone and save yourself having to decide whether to trust him.

You could look at the phone again but not tell him you have. Not lie but not mention it and see how his explainations match what you saw on the phone.

Good luck with finding your way through it Flowers

Original poster
Ferfeckssake · 12/01/2019 18:27

Thanks for all the different advice here.Some of you have brought up issues that I haven't even thought of.
It is the actual trust thing really.Doesn't matter what he says now, it is what happens from now on.
I told him that I refuse to live my life wondering or needing to check up on him.Fuck that, I am too old.My attitude is that he can just piss off and do what he wants IF he wants to.Just tell me and I will help pack your shit.
But for my own inner peace, I feel probably will attend a couple of counselling sections.Maybe get the poor counsellor to go through phone with me so that I am not by myself!!Confused
It really helps to be here as I have not been ablere to tell anyone in RL.Thanks again.Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Ferfeckssake · 12/01/2019 18:30

And for all you younger woman out there who are SAHM, protect yourselves for the future financially .This is happening after nearly 30 years , when money should not be an issue.
Halve of not that much is bugger all !!Grin

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 12/01/2019 20:41
Flowers I am so sorry you're going through this shit, OP. Be strong and confide in someone in real life, you have nothing to be ashamed of and could probably do with the support right now.
BaconPringles · 12/01/2019 20:44

I don’t think you can heal without having the full story tbh.

Bluestripeddress · 12/01/2019 20:47

Am I the only one wondering why he had gay porn on his phone??

Ladybug123 · 12/01/2019 21:20

The phone thing depends on whether you want to stay with him or not OP. I’ve lurked on infidelity forums for a year now and when couples are trying to reconcile the betrayed regret losing any pieces of evidence that help them fit the puzzle pieces together, cheaters are notorious at ‘forgetting things’. If you plan to tell him where to go then I personally wouldn’t want to look. Don’t do anything you’ll regret later.

Be careful. What you know now probably isn’t the whole truth. I’m not sure I’ll ever find out the whole truth about my husband.

misskiki69 · 12/01/2019 23:03

What about the fact he might be gay? Why would a straight man look at gay sites? He may well be questioning his sexual identity. I would definitely go through the phone.

MsDogLady · 12/01/2019 23:58

FFS, he is ‘distraught and depressed,’ but was devious enough to get a second phone to carry out his escapades, which included gay porn and an emotional affair. There is likely more.

You really do need to know what else he has been up to. The details DO matter. For one thing, he may have compromised your health, so I hope you have been tested. If what counts to you is the future, you need to know what he is capable of. He likes being sneaky.

You say that ‘we’ have been deciding what to do. I’m sure he is hoping that you don’t check the phone. You need to tackle this from a position of strength, but keeping your eyes closed will not help you.

LellyMcKelly · 13/01/2019 01:29

This isn’t a drunken one night fumble. This is a concerted and successful attempt to have a secret life what has been going on long enough for him to have gone to the effort of buying a secret phone.You know he’s been unfaithful for probably quite a long time, and I’d put money on him having an active gay life (I went through something similar with my now out and proud gay ex). He didn’t just accidentally fall into this. He really wanted to do it.

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