Second phone found

[Ferfeckssake]

I caught my DH with a second phone last weekend.Thought it was just porn, then realised it was gay site .
Locked myself in bathroom and then it became clear that , while working away , he was having an EA long distance affair.With
a woman.
Then the fucking phone died! I put it away safe.
Since then, we have spent the week trying to decide what to do.I always said it would be a deal breaker but we are married 30 years this year and are going to go to counselling.But I am holding on to right to kick him out at any moment.
He is distraught, had been going to therapy for depression .Said he felt like he was losing his way totally, going to a dark place.And wasn't enjoying it .
So, do I activate phone to go through it completely? Or get rid? I am not worried about him, just wondering if I should put myself through it .Terrified I will be traumatised with actual seeing stuff that will constantly be in my mind forever.

Yes , he was questioning his sexuality.At 56 for FFS!
The second phone was a shock, didn't think he was capable of such deviousness.But not surprised really as other phone is work one.
Made him " tell me the whole truth " tonight.But Yep, guess I will have to reactivate the phone to check the stories.
Such a cliche , but when I tell you that he is the least likely to do this . Completely floored by it all.
But even only a week later, I am so much together.Have my exit plan in order too. Might still attend counselling in order to tell my kids that I did .
Great to get support here.Been living in isolation with him as I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone in RL the whole story.
So fucking sleazy .I am almost embarrassed for him!

You will never be able to move past anything with him without knowing everything. I would reactivate the phone, find out everything, don't tell him what you do know and then sit him down for a serious full disclosure discussion. If he's truthful and tells you all there may be a chance to stay together and work past it all. Awful situation op

No advi, hugs and 💐

I am so sorry you are going through this but I agree with the other people who have said that you need to look through the phone so that you know exactly what you are dealing with.
Sorry

I would have to check the phone also, to see what the relationship was. Ie. A long distance friendship (talking about the weather, Eastenders, football results etc), or whether there are declarations of love etc. If the former, you could move, if the latter, maybe not.

It’s not unusual for people in their 40s and 50s to question their sexuality, partly because coming out wasn’t so easy back in the day, and there were fewer homosexual people on tv (John Inman -Are you being served) . George Michael , for example, most people didn’t know was gay until the 90s.

While a cheater is involved in an affair or has just been found out, ‘if they’re speaking they’re probably lying’, is a phrase I’ve heard often and it’s true. Emails, texts, electronic devices give you the truth. There are things you can do to find more on phones. I’m not a techno whizz but there are apps.

I’m glad to see you have an exit strategy in place and are feeling as strong as you can. Please take care of yourself too. You’re in shock, eat, drink, exercise, sleep focus on all the basics.

I don't see how OP can work things out, if he is questioning his sexuality. Could you stay with a man knowing he lusted after other men? He cannot change how he feels in that department. Some gay men go through marriages/kids, keeping up the pretence of being straight for years. I think it's the fear of being judged. Who knows? The reality is he's likely to have known for years. Or he could be bisexual.

However, I know there is also an affair on top of this. Is it possible "she" could be a he? How do you know it's definitely a woman?

Once you've looked through the phone properly, you can start to move forward. You sound as if you have already got a good idea of what you have to do. It's such a shame there is nobody in RL that you can speak to. Counselling will help you. Please keep talking on here.

It truly does help to be here .In RL , I have confided in my wonderful friend , who is being so supportive .
All his explainations are realistic and plausible .But they would be, wouldnt they ??!
I am more disturbed about the EA affair than the rest of it , I think.But I then I also feel like it is all too much to deal with
Want to tell him to take his saddo life off and go fuck himself.

I would be suprised if he is lying , as he knows you have that phone I believe and could well have looked they all of it. However that doesn’t make it any better I know

So an update...
Yep, checked the phone.Not necessarily worse than I expected , but shocking nonetheless.
And did see that she ended it.And lives 1000s miles away.
" If they are talking, they are lying" Yes indeed despite me saying all week, JUST TELL ME....
Was going to go to counselling together .But think there is no point as I can't see me ever moving beyond it. Dreading having to tell kids, sell house and split .
Angry at the waste of my life.Would have been married 30 years in October.

Glad you checked, in that you now know everything, they never tell the truth, always minimise. I wouldn't bother with counselling either, he's devious, a liar and a cheat, that much you know and that is enough. Good luck in your future life, it will be hard but you are worth so much more than this.

It’s never a waste of life OP, there will I am sure have been good times and you have the children. As a councillor told me, everything that happens shapes you to be you, and when one door closes another often opens, believe in yourself!!

It is a waste and something he will come to regret in spades. But I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to get past it either. HE has broken the marriage not you. Just remember thats

Thank you all. Just trying to remain strong to do what I know I have to do.

It is still early days and you are still in shock.
You may go a full circle on this, before really deciding.
Take your time.

Didn’t seem like the phone had much of new revelations. And anything you read on it would have been painful.
EA with someone he never met is hard to stomach, but it’s also not as real as same with a colleague next door. One is a fantasy, another is more real.
Just my 2c

Oh yes, he did meet EA at least twice in UK, about 2 years ago
And phone did reveal more shit that I am too embarrassed to say. On dating sites , looking .
Really don't see how any counselling can ever fix this.But hoping it will benefit my headspace in dealing with it.
As you said , early days . No rush to start anything legally as I feel it would take momentum as no opportunity to turn back.
Still only told one friend in RL.
But it is easy to be around him ( lucky big house!) when I don't trust,, respect or love him atm. Just numb .

OP, bless you. You have us to speak too.

Im so sorry this has happened to you. You deserved far far better. And FWIW, you havn't wasted your life. The best is yet to come.

Counselling tends not to as much fix things as give you a place to talk about your relationship. What went on. What was working, what wasn’t.
Possibly get him to expain why he did it. And understand the impact on you.
It’s possible that because he (seems to not) have acted on anything physically - that he thought is wasn’t as big a deal.
Couseling is a place to talk, a safe place.

If you have time - check out E Perel videos. It might give you something to think about.
I think she has podcasts of some of her counselling sessions with couples going through similar.

Was 30 years for me too.
Didn’t have a choice. He didn’t want me.
Was devastated.
Two years after he left and we divorced I met my second husband
I wouldn’t recognise my life now
It’s almost perfect

Been together for 10 years, married at 63 for three and a half years..
Only reason why it’s not perfect is dh has a health condition and can’t drive now..so I have too....

Oh and did I say he was worth ten of my previous husband 😂👍

I’m sorry 💐

You’re doing the right thing separating. It’s hard, very hard, but trying to make it work is soul destroying and mostly ends up with you leaving any way.

It’s hard to believe right now, but you will be ok. Better than ok. You’ll actually find the real you again.

Hang in there.

Oh I'm so sorry but I think you did the right thing to check the phone as now you know for sure what you're dealing with.
Take your time and do what is right for YOU

He sounds a right sleaze, it's horrible to think that someone we trust with your very being can be so deceitful and unrecognisable but honestly you are better knowing, he's probably been at it for years. You are young enough to start again and have a better more truthful life, with or without a man.