What ducks do you need to line up if you are the one leaving?

[Ineedtonamechangenow]

Just that really. Starting to plan my exit and don't really know where to begin

If it makes a difference, my boys are going to stay in the house with their dad

Place to live
Money to cover rent/bills/car
Marriage cert/passport/birth certs etc
Access arrangements in place so you can see DC

Can I ask a few questions?
Are you married?
Why do you want to leave?
Why are kids staying with dad?
Are you safe?

You might find these websites useful

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

www.entitledto.co.uk

I'm safe. I just can't do it any more.

We're married. Own a house and have no savings. I don't really know why the kids will stay with their dad but I think that'll be a better option for now.

Would I take their passports and birth certificates even if I'm leaving?

Please don’t assume that your dc will want to stay at home, at least let them know they can stay with you or split there time, they may both choose different ways to have contact and live.

When you say you can’t do it anymore, what does this mean?

They wouldn't know any different. They're too young to have a choice. I'm just fed up of being bottom of the pack. I'm tired. I want affection and care

Put copies of files, photos, etc from any shared computer onto a USB drive or in a 'cloud' storage.

Take copies of marriage certificate, children's birth certificates.

Gather together your passport, birth certificate, any other important docs.

Scan copies of house deeds, mortgage docs, utility bills, insurance docs, car documents, etc - store on USB stick/cloud.

Separate your finances as much as you can now: e.g. get your own bank account.

Gather financial information: savings, pensions, ISAs, debts, credit cards, insurance plans.

Go through the house systematically. Have a clear out of your own personal stuff: work out what you definitely want to keep and take with you. Start making it easy to move things, so store things in boxes/storage bags, etc. Make it so that when you do decide to go, it's easy to grab your stuff and go quickly. Tell him you're having a clear out if he asks in the meantime.

Go see a couple of solicitors now to find out your rights with regards to the house and finances. Get yourself armed with as much legal information as you can. You can get a free half hour with many solicitors if you shop around. Have a solicitor in mind for when you leave.

Have proof of his income too and the balances of any bank accounts, joint or otherwise.

A relative is going through a very long and drawn out divorce because he's lying about income and hiding money.

Do you work? Check if you will be entitled to any benefits. And what these would be if you are alone or if the kids live with you some of the time. You'll need to consider maintenance for the kids (in whichever direction it needs to go).

I am coming at this from a position of I fantasize about leaving A LOT. I feel bottom of the pack too. You obviously feel the need to escape. And whilst I don't want to add pressure, I think you need to consider the future implications of leaving your children. How it will impact you...and them. I stay because leaving would be worse (for me).

Is there somewhere you could get some space, a friend or relative's house, or a hotel overnight to give you some space to think. I go camping...

Consider if you might need to see a GP or access a counselor for some support if everything is feeling a bit much.

If your husband is a decent man, consider if you could discuss parting. It would make things easier in the long run if you could agree some things before hand.

You are right to be planning. Hope above is supportive. Take care of yourself.

You sound really low. Especially as you are resigned (it sounds like) to your very young children staying with their dad.

I’m really sorry you feel like this - are there any other options? Counselling alone or with your husband? Talking it through with a friend? Does your husband know you feel this way 💐

Really useful, thankyou.

I'm working on weaning the youngest from the breast so it's not traumatic for him.

They'll be fine, I'm sure

I hope you are ok op, it seems very extreme to leave very young kids.

It’s true that children are very resilient but OP you do sound incredibly down. I hope you have some RL support.

Do not leave your children - they are far too young and there is no going back

I think you need to get some support and counselling - what exactly is causing you to leave

You sound very low. Have you spoken to your husband? Do you think you could have post natal depression. How old are your dc?

My eldest was two a week ago and my youngest is one next week.

I don't really want to speak to my husband about it because it will make it all real.

I guess I'm just fed up of us sniping at eachother and feeling like he's being cold towards me.

I try my best with my boys. They're good boys but I just need to feel appreciated. And I need to sleep.

I just need to line my ducks up and see how I go

a 2 and 1 year old appreciate you you just may not see it

Before you make the step to leave them please see a professional you sound detached and depressed

Can I ask how you will feel appreciated if you leave? You would be alone then I assume, unless there is someone else involved. I was in exactly your situation my boys are one week less than a year apart, the first couple of years of their life went in a blur, I found it daunting at times, but it gets better. I'm positive that they adore you and appreciate you, it can be easy to feel like you are taken for granted, please speak to your dh before you do anything else, your babies need you.

I guess I wouldn't feel appreciated. I just don't think my marriage is working and what right do I have to take my boys away from their dad

Having two very young children in your life all of a sudden can be difficult, but over time you will adjust and learn to all fit in, you have to speak to your dh and tell him exactly how you feel, tell him you need support and to feel loved, he might be finding it difficult as well, I know my dh did when they were little.

I felt like this some years ago and I only had one dc. I almost did leave and had the same thoughts of just not being able to do it anymore.

In the end I didn’t leave as I just didn’t know where to go. I am so glad I didn’t. My dc - I can see now - are the absolute light of my life.

But I know how it feels to be you. Please do not leave - at least first speak to your Gp and heath visitor. Your babies love you and need you.

Op please talk to someone before you leave. Your two boys need their mother.

I suffered really bad pnd when my dd was almost a year old. I didn't realise it was pnd until I came through the other side. While at my lowest I thought my dd would be better off without me. I wanted to die because I thought she could have a better life.

When I finally cracked and spoke to my Dh he pleaded with me to go see someone and it helped immensely. I can say now I KNOW that my dd would mot be better without me and I couldn't stand the thought of ever leaving her now.

Please speak to someone before you leave and find yourself with no way to return

It's not my boys that I want to leave.

But then why do I have the right to remove them from their dad? Why do mums default to have the children?

who works in this scenario?