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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Struggling with DC relationship with OW

43 replies

Ilovecrumpets · 12/01/2019 10:03

Just that really.

My ex had an affair and moved in with OE immediately. Also introduced my DC (3 and 6) to her immediately ( without telling me). Did things like pretend she was me to use family memberships at places.

This was a year ago and I still really struggle with their relationship with her at times. I am
Always positive about her to the DC and I really hope don’t ever let them sense my hurt.

The logical part of me is glad she is kind to them and wants to be part of their lives. Her family also seem to have ‘adopted’ them - her dad and step mum in particular. Buying presents for birthdays and Xmas and coming to visit with presents, doing day trips with them.

As I said I am genuinely happy she wants to be part of their lives as I know it is better for them. We only have a small family so I can also appreciate having more people to care about you is a good thing for the DC.

But despite the logical thoughts emotionally I find it really difficult. I think particularly because she seems to have stepped into the ‘mother’ role when they are with her - it’s hard to explain but takes on responsibility for things I would have expected their Dad just to do. The other day my youngest even called me her name by mistake when he got back from the exes - I know he didn’t mean it but it really hurt. Obviously I didn’t say anything.

I guess I just wonder how I can get to feeling more OK about their relationship with her?

OP posts:

flapjackfairy · 12/01/2019 10:07

I can't answer your question but I think you are doing amazingly well to be so calm and balanced about the situation. Hats off to you I say.

WatchingTheWheels85 · 12/01/2019 10:11

You sound like a brilliant mother and person, and are handling the situation so well

Robin2323 · 12/01/2019 10:13

I used to worry that my lo would like dad and ow more than me.
Years later I did confess to daughter - she just laughed and don't be silly mum.
So carry on bring the best mum you can be.
You're doing great.
You will always be first ( till they have their own partners and children) you are the mum and their world.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 12/01/2019 10:14

I often get called 'dad' when my 2 come back from their dad's.
They know who I am really.
It's like calling your teacher 'mum'.

You sound incredibly reflective and aware. Your DC are lucky to have you.

Of course it's going to be hard on you - it sounds as though you've had a dreadful time of it.

Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 12/01/2019 10:18

Thanks everyone - you are very kind . I’m definitely not that great a mother, perhaps that is also behind my worry. I think we all just do our best for our kids don’t we? Or try to.

The advice to focus on my relationship with them is a good idea. I’ve got very shouty recently ( Xmas, work and childcare issues - I don’t have any family near by so it’s just me). Eldest is very challenging and I haven’t dealt with it that well. Focusing on trying to reset that might be best.

OP posts:

MishMashMosher · 12/01/2019 10:23

Sounds like you are handling it amazingly. I know it probably won't help at all but you read so many threads on here about awful step mums and how step mum's family won't accept the dc. So your dc are lucky to not have to experience this. I can't imagine now tough the whole thing is for you but I guarantee that your dc will never prefer her over you. You are their mum. Honestly I have so much respect for you. You sound like an amazing mum, doings what's best for your dc. Xx

SuperSuperSuper · 12/01/2019 10:50

I don't think you have anything to worry about. You sound great. You'll always be their mum, she won't usurp you and I'm sure she doesn't try to (kids tend to pick up on it when stepparents are trying too hard/overstepping, and make their disdain known!)

I'd be a bit concerned about the children getting too attached to her and her family, in case your ex finishes with her in favour of an OW (this is quite possible given his history) but you'll deal with that if it happens I'm sure.

LemonTT · 12/01/2019 11:20

I think you are great too and a wonderful example. The situation can’t be easy but you put the children first. They do appreciate this and when they get older I am sure they will tell you this. They will also realise that a lot of children aren’t so lucky and will have to put up with parental battles throughout their childhood.

My DP had acrimonious parents, when they were together and then when apart. He loves them but he doesn’t like them. It made me appreciate a boring & normal childhood and adulthood.

Nb the fact you are in a normal pushing boundaries stage with one is ok. It is standard.

When they are away do stuff, a class, exercise or just go to the movies by yourself. Redefine you as someone other than a mother and definitely not a wife. Think about who you want to be. Then work towards it. Be as shallow as you want. You are a single woman again. That’s empowering.

springydaff · 12/01/2019 11:52

I completely get how you feel - and I left my husband so his wife wasn't even the OW! I can't imagine how you must feel

Ex's wife is just a very silly woman who genuinely thinks my children should have been hers. Whatevs.

Iiwy I'd get into some nice juicy revenge fantasies. The more outlandish the better. So in the end you laugh at the joy of it, of them getting their comeuppance. (Not a very popular solution but, come on, it works. You can't be good ALL the time.)

Ime the revolting pair did get their comeuppance. So you never know what is in the future xxx

Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 12/01/2019 12:18

Thanks everyone - I do appreciate your replies!

@MishMashMosher yes it would be awful for them if they had a horrid step mum so that’s why the logical part of me knows this is best. I also agree @LemonTT I am trying to find myself again - it’s strangely hard as I think ( like many people) when you are in a long relationship from a young age I got a bit lost somewhere along the way! Temptation is to do the housework etc but I’m trying to get over the silly guilt of just having some fun!

@springydaff that is it a little bit - it feels a little as if she (and her family) have embraced the role very wholeheartedly if that makes sense. I guess it’s difficult to get the balance right as a step - parent.

OP posts:

donnas146 · 12/01/2019 12:53

I had a stepmother in my life since the age of 5 she took me and my siblings everywhere eg swimming, ice skating clothes shopping. She was a really good stepmother (until she had her own with my dad but I won’t get into that) and I have never ever thought of her as my mom or been closer to her than my own mom. She was a good stepmom and we loved doing these things with her when we were children, but you only get one mom and anything she did would never have changed that for me. Seriously be happy the woman is lovely to your children because when it’s the opposite it’s not nice on the kids x

springydaff · 12/01/2019 12:57

Yy all the logistics in the world don't change the awful, primal jealousy we feel when someone tries to usurp our role as a parent.

Especially as she took your husband!

Ah I do hope she cringes one day at what she did.

Charlie97 · 12/01/2019 13:02

Gosh you are such a super mum! Many women would've banned them from seeing her blah blah. You've been so very brave and dignified. You're kids will always love you and think you're awesome and if they inherit half your selflessness then they'll be fine adults. 🌹 🍷 x

LL83 · 12/01/2019 13:06

You sound very sensible and that take a lot when you have been hurt. You are thinking of children first which makes you a great mother.

Your logical side is right. But it's natural to find it hard. I expect as time passes it will become easier. Sorry no real advice, just wanted to say your attitude to whole situation is brilliant. Well done x

theredjellybean · 12/01/2019 13:13

i am a step mum to young adults / older teens
I think what you are feeling is completely normal and your handling of it is amazingly mature .

I did and still do lots of things with my dsds because they are girls and i have my own dds their age and we all like doing girly stuff...so even when they were younger i was the one who did the shopping, and trips out etc but mostly cus their dad would not be seen dead in Hollister with them ! and they were embarrassed to ask him to buy them bras and stuff like that.

It might be the OW is naturally quite maternal and enjoys the childcare/nurturing role, itt maybe she genuinely loves the children, i know i love my dsds very very much.
BUT she is not their mum....you are and you sound a good mum ...they wont ever forget that.

Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 12/01/2019 13:48

Thank you everyone. I don’t think it’s that I’m worried she will replace me in their eyes - I guess it is just hard emotionally hearing them talk about her and their new family unit with her and my ex, so doing things that we all used to do together, going on holiday to his relatives etc. And I think I would find it easy if she wasn’t the OW. I suppose at times it’s almost a childish ‘it’s not fair’ feeling - as if she has stepped into my place.

Also even a year on I still struggle with being apart from my DC when they are with ex. I had thought I would be finding that easier by now, but it still feels unnatural, particularly birthdays, Xmas etc. Not because I need to spend all my time with my DC but because it is forced on me.

I suppose I just need to keep building my new life and then it will start to feel more like my life - not something I am faking.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 12/01/2019 13:59

Focusing on your relationship with them and investing time in yourself will help.

Take up a hobby...learn something new....treat yourself to massages etc...

Go out with friends...try and enjoy your life and be the best you can be for yourself.

Create lovely memories and new places to go with them. Those will be unique and special.

Musti · 12/01/2019 14:06

Echo everyone else. Its good that she treats them well and they are happy when they go there. Look at this as an opportunity for some guilt free me time. Go out and enjoy yourself, take up a new hobby, go dating etc things that you can't do with 2 young children. Then when they're with you you can really enjoy them.

springydaff · 12/01/2019 17:20

It might be the OW is naturally quite maternal and enjoys the childcare/nurturing role, itt maybe she genuinely loves the children,

Salt, wound??

Op I never got used to handing my kids over I'm afraid. And my situation was fraught but not fraught in the same way as yours. I just perfected certain skills that helped eg I always dropped them off bcs I found it too hard them leaving from the house and I shut the door to an empty house.

I also got cracking with a social life eg when I dropped them off I'd go out somewhere - even if it was to the 24hr Tesco lol. I took a weekend job and had an absolute blast as we all went out on the town after our shifts (that was before I realised it wasn't a good idea for kids to be with Disney dad every weekend..) . Over time I had things lined up to do - to the point that if they we away for eg a week I seriously had to adjust to having them back!

Get busy girl Fake it till you make it xx

goldengummybear · 12/01/2019 18:07

Of course it's hard - be kind to yourself and don't feel bad about it. Thinking back to a year ago, has it got less hard? If so you're making fab emotional progress. The fact that your kids will discuss her with you shows that you are a fab mum.

Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 13/01/2019 10:02

@goldengummybear I think generally things are definitely better than a year ago. Oddly though the DC going to their dads has started to feel harder - I think at first as I had done all the childcare ( my ex basically gave up his job to do his sport full time which was 7 days a week, with long periods away and only 2 weeks off a year) not having the DC felt more of a novelty. Plus I had some other things to deal with ( my dad had died unexpectedly after a short and horrible illness 8 months before).

It’s possibly because it’s been Xmas and one of the DC birthdays it has felt harder. Also atm ex comes to the house to do bath and bed so I’m with them during the week. That can’t go on indefinitely though so at some point they will start going to him during the week for some nights I guess - and I’m dreading that ( again I know this is just something I have to deal with!). It sounds silly but it isn’t the weekend fun I miss but the day to day routine - in particular waking up without them in the morning. But as I’ve learnt the anticipation is often much worse than when things actually happen. And I’ve just got to get used to it - it’s hard when it isn’t something I ever envisaged when I had my DC and wasn’t my choice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 13/01/2019 10:05

@springydaff - you are totally right on the fake it till you make it. And to others ( I hope!) I seem positive about everything and seem to be re building my life ( certainly to the kids). I guess I’d just like some reassurance that one day I will make it

OP posts:

springydaff · 13/01/2019 11:30

Hang on, how often are they seeing him?

Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 13/01/2019 11:37

E/o weekend at his and he does bath and bed here 2 x a week.

He lives too far to have them overnight in the week and get them to school on time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 13/01/2019 12:01

And 1/2 holidays sort of.

I’ve somehow swerved off topic - thank you to everyone who replied re OW. Will take all the comments on board

OP posts:

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