Struggling with DC relationship with OW

[Ilovecrumpets]

Just that really.

My ex had an affair and moved in with OE immediately. Also introduced my DC (3 and 6) to her immediately ( without telling me). Did things like pretend she was me to use family memberships at places.

This was a year ago and I still really struggle with their relationship with her at times. I am
Always positive about her to the DC and I really hope don’t ever let them sense my hurt.

The logical part of me is glad she is kind to them and wants to be part of their lives. Her family also seem to have ‘adopted’ them - her dad and step mum in particular. Buying presents for birthdays and Xmas and coming to visit with presents, doing day trips with them.

As I said I am genuinely happy she wants to be part of their lives as I know it is better for them. We only have a small family so I can also appreciate having more people to care about you is a good thing for the DC.

But despite the logical thoughts emotionally I find it really difficult. I think particularly because she seems to have stepped into the ‘mother’ role when they are with her - it’s hard to explain but takes on responsibility for things I would have expected their Dad just to do. The other day my youngest even called me her name by mistake when he got back from the exes - I know he didn’t mean it but it really hurt. Obviously I didn’t say anything.

I guess I just wonder how I can get to feeling more OK about their relationship with her?

@Ilovecrumpets You have been nothing but dignified this past year. And as already said. Maybe the time the children aren't with you will always feel amiss.

I think it is the idea of the family unit continuing without you. We have very quickly been replaced. It hurts.

We can keep ourselves busy with socialising and activities. But it isn't the same. I have just come to expected this is how it is. Just hoping in time it gets less uncomfortable.

And as other have said. I have a step mum. Although never lived with her. And step dad. They are good people but not my mum or dad. I keeps saying to the dc. It is lovely they have so many grown ups that care about them. Although 'step mum' doesn't sit right with me. (Not that I have said that). I feel a step parent is involved in the day to day things like school things. Hobbies and taking days off of the children are sick. But I guess that is something to do with my issues.

Hi @eve34 I do know what you mean about ‘step mum’ and it sitting oddly given her role atm. You are right it’s the loss of family unit and being replaced. And the fact he is doing now all the things I asked him to do when married and he wouldn’t. But then I suppose that does reflect on our relationship.

I suppose I hoped it would feel better by now. But then I’ve always been impatient ( like eldest DS)

We have come a long way. Another year we will be in a better place and further away from this difficult time. It will be our new normal eventually

As a step parent it sound like your attitude is brilliant. As PPs have said they know you're their Mum. Don't sweat it.

For the parenting bit, get some parenting counseling is my best advice. We are doing it currently. It's very interesting. We went because we have 3 young teen DDs and it's bloody hard.

He gives us (me and DH) family rules to follow. So our's are mostly focused on our evening and meal.

Everyone in through back door
Shoes off, coats hung, school bags away.
Lay table, loo trips etc.
Everyone to table (big issue)
No one can start til everyone is sitting (putting pressure on those that dawdle)
No one eats the next course till everyone's finished the current one
No cutting people off or talking over them. 3 second pause before saying your bit. (Major issue with eldest and myself)
Everyone clears up and no one leaves til the kitchens tidy. (No sloping off half way through meal to "do something vital" and avoid clearing up).

So nothing mind blowing but a useful structure to follow as it'd slightly gone to pot. He's also helping us see how the kids are playing us off against each other.

It's been really interesting having his take on stuff.

What are you on about Wally??

It looks like a patronising, tactless text from a step parent. But I could be wrong.

*post

Don't be so hard on yourself!! What you are going through is horrible; yet you still have the strength of character to put your children first/ be the better person.
Keep on doing what you're doing and be sure that when your children are older they will realise how selfless you were and respect you all the more for it.
Stay strong OP - you are a good person X

I’m a step mum, my dc are grown up and DH has 50/50 custody of 10 yr old dss. I was never OW though. It’s very difficult to get the balance right, I try & include dss and be involved but not OVER involved. I leave the parenting to DH and just try & support him when he needs it.

My family try & treat DSS as a bonus grandson which I think is nice and dss cetainly enjoys the extra family gatherings & gifts!

You sound like you are doing fab! You are their mum & wont ever be replaced but I can imagine it must be very hurtful watching a cheating ex play happy families with new woman

You sound like a lovely mum but no wonder you are struggling if he is in your house twice a week. Where is your space and privacy. How can you readjust when he has one foot in the house still. It was his choice to move so far away. Time for him to suck up those consequences. It is confusing for the kids too and CAFCASS advised me against it. You are doing great. Check out chumplady.com for some snark and people who have been there. Make sure your documents, lawyers info. are secured from him too

Maybe after a year you might want to move away from him coming over to do bedtime. I mean, he’s getting on with his life and that’s his choice. But I can’t imagine that having him in your home twice a week doing family stuff is helping you to move on metaphorically speaking. You might be fine with it consciously, bending over backwards, being the good person, (which you clearly are) but there has to be a point where you start getting your independence from him.
I might be totally wrong. But I just get that feeling

@WanakaWonderWoo
I didn’t even read your post!! But im glad someone agrees with me!

@ilovecrumpets

I am so sorry if you fejt what I said was salt in wound. I honestly didn't mean it like that. I was trying to convey what other people said better, and you yourself get too... That some step parents are kind and caring and that's good for the kids.

Again sorry if I upset you

@theredjellybean no please don’t worry, no one has upset me! I think you may have name changed without realising . If you were the poster who mentioned parenting counselling I was actually going to ask where you found the counsellor - as that could be helpful ( and ex may be willing to follow the same rules with the kids).

@Travisandthemonkey and @WanakaWonderWoo - yes I agree you are both right re the ex coming here. I’ve been thinking to myself I need to tackle that this year. It’s tricky as I’m currently still in the family home ( I pay for mortgage and upkeep etc and ex contributes an amount for the kids) but I couldn’t afford to buy him out or even buy in the same area, with the knock on difficulty with the kids and school. So I guess I’m partly putting off having that discussion as suspect he would then push for the house to be sold. And tbh I haven’t felt ready to face that.

I had to speak to ex tonight about OW by chance - I think she is a bit young and inexperienced with kids and had been joining in with my youngest teasing and name calling my eldest which had upset him. It’s all so tricky. Sigh.

I do much, much more with the DSC's (activities, clothes shopping, days out) than their DM does and have done for some time (not OW, met years after they split up), but it's crystal clear that the DSC's priority is their DM and their DF and although they think I'm ok I'm just not that important to them in comparison.

Just because you’re in the family home, doesn’t mean he should be there too,
As much as you want to be a good person, he chose to leave, and it’s doing you no favours at all having him in your house.
It will be holding you back. One way or another.

No.. Not me, never had parenting counselling

@theredjellybean ahh sorry my mistake!

@Travisandthemonkey yes I agree - I think it is what is making me feel ‘in limbo’. It’s hard though as the DC would be really upset not to see him mid week at all. I guess he knows that the DC are always my weakness - similar to how he knows I will cover if he lets them down on childcare/holiday cover.