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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Angry husband

74 replies

Angerissues · 12/01/2019 08:48

Gaah, not sure if I am over reacting here, but DH seems (to me) to have anger problems. Not massively so, but I just wish he could deal with some things better.

This morning, he had to be up for work at 6.45am, and I was due my first lie-in of the week (only till about 8.30am). Well, the dog had done a poo. He went beserk. Slamming doors, swearing at the top of his voice, so much so, that I actually got up to see what was going on. So, no lie-in for me.

I found him downstairs, with a tissue in his hand to pick up the poo, and he was shouting that he wouldn't have time for a shower now, so I went to take the tissue from him, but he wouldn't let me. I made him tea and toast, whilst he showered and then he basically stomped around for 30 minutes, ranting and swearing at me. He also scared the dog so much, that she has emptied her anal glands somewhere. It stinks!

I have recently asked him to please stop swearing at me. His language is awful, he must say Fuck 50 times a day. It's just part of his normal vocabulary.

His job is very demanding and I know he gets frustrated with it, however, I make his life so much easier than it could be, because I work from home and do literally everything that needs doing (housework, cooking, washing etc)

We had a conversation, just a few days ago, where I asked him to stop talking to me like crap, and to stop swearing. He was very apologetic and for a few days all was lovely, but I feel like this morning has put us back again.

Last week, he was ranting about something in the car, and I went to exit the car, and he grabbed my collar to stop me leaving. I found this quite invasive, he has apologised, but actually it was half arsed, he has made it clear that he sees nothing wrong with that (am I being over sensitive?)

Obviously, he is lovely a lot of the time too, or I wouldn't stay in the relationship.

I just find things like this morning so unnecessary! He could have picked up the poo and gone to work, without all the fuss

OP posts:

PoshPenny · 12/01/2019 09:50

I haven't RTFT but what you describe could be attributed to being extremely stressed. Is there anyway he can get help for that. It's really not on, him holding on to your collar to stop you getting out of the car, he could be smashing the place up next. It needs addressing urgently before everything comes collapsing down around you both, but how to go about it? Can you talk about this with him in a calm moment?

Moussemoose · 12/01/2019 09:52

Has he got PTSD? If he deals with hugely stressful incidents at work he could be suffering significantly.

Lavender00 · 12/01/2019 09:53

I have recently suffered from stress and anxiety having never suffered before in my life, & never had an understanding of what it feels like. In fact I hardly 'believed' in it before and was (regretfully) not very understanding of people around me who had suffered.
I found myself getting unreasonably angry over little things and being unable to control this to a point I was shouting horribly at my family on some occasions. I'd get overwhelmingly angry at silly little things - including the cat being sick on a morning. Afterwards I'd be ashamed and angry at myself - it's a vicious circle.
I sought treatment via my GP but tbh that was a bit rubbish. I manage the stress and anxiety now through self care but the first major step is recognising that's what it is and accepting that. That took me months.
Sounds to me he needs love and support. You do too

Original poster

Angerissues · 12/01/2019 09:53

It's not so much walking on egg shells, it's more that I just cannot be bothered to retaliate. I want to be better than this. I want us to be better than this. He agrees, and then we have this mornings outburst.

He has texted to say sorry. But I find it tiresome. Also, his ability to derail my day. For eg. the other day I was in a great mood, I popped to the shop for something, when I got home the dogs were "talking" to me and generally making a racket, and I didn't hear him calling "Hello" to me (10 times apparently). Then I do hear him scream "Hellooooooo" followed by a rant about how I am deaf and how he'd shouted Hello 10 times, and how didn't I fucking hear him. Then 30 mins later he goes to work, and I feel like my whole day is ruined (or at least the happy mood I was in has dissipated). Sounds very petty, I know.

OP posts:

Stardustinmyeyes · 12/01/2019 09:56

Your dog shit herself because she was so frightened of him
I'd leave and take the dog with me.
Leave now before it gets worse

PurpleWithRed · 12/01/2019 09:58

He sounds like my Xh - truly horrible. In all honesty, go and get yourself some counselling on your own.

FWIW the moment XH realised I was serious about divorce much of this behaviour, and his other controlling bollocks, stopped immediately. Too late. Normal relationships are not like this.

allaboutHR · 12/01/2019 09:59

Google PTSD and Anger/Rage.

allaboutHR · 12/01/2019 10:03

Yes, his work is VERY stressful. He is placed in dangerous situations on a daily basis. Just this week he has attended a fire which melted his work boots and has had to deal with a few suicide attempts.

How can this NOT be related to his outbursts? Honestly, from reading a book on Trauma 'The Body Keeps Score' these outburst/anger/rage were mentioned in this book.

mikado1 · 12/01/2019 10:27

Oh god OP, that sounds awful, you're his emotional punch bag. You can't go on like this without it hugely effecting you.

AlsoBling2 · 12/01/2019 11:20

His job is clearly hugely stressful. So either he seeks help asap (and assuming he is a firefoghter or similar, I would be shocked if there aren't in house or througb-work available programmes to deal with it), or he loses his relationship. Simple as that. I can accept his behaviour might be stress or even ptsd but I would not accept an unwillingness to deal with it.

Floralhousecoat · 12/01/2019 12:03

Op your husband is emotionally abusive and aggressive (swearing and shouting) and now this has become physical with him restraining you by the collar. You need to admit to yourself you are in an abusive marriage then you can decide how to act.

rumred · 12/01/2019 12:23

Hi op I used to have a stressful job and it definitely affected my moods and crushed the happiness out of me. I was angry depressed and damaged. Dealing with the worst of human behaviour takes a heavy toll. The only solution is to leave the work.
This isn't to excuse his behaviour in any way, but it's unlikely to improve while he's in the same career

frenchchick9 · 12/01/2019 18:44

If his job is that stressful, does it offer counselling or anger management? Has he a form of ptsd? Not trying to make excuses for him at all.

Could he change jobs to a less stressful one?

littlestrawby · 12/01/2019 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2019 19:08

Little straw by

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I would urge you to start planning your exit from this relationship because what you describe here is you being abused. Women’s aid can help you here. Abuse also is not just classed as physical. He may well decide to hit you if he decides that the abuse he meets out to you is no longer working for him. Abuse is about power and control, he wants absolute over you.

Do you have children?. If so they are seeing you being abused by their dad too and this will affect them markedly.

littlestrawby · 12/01/2019 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TougheningUp · 12/01/2019 19:48

He shouts and swears at you.

He grabs your collar when you do something he doesn't like.

Your dog is so scared of him she shits.

He blames you for the dog's behaviour.

You are sure he only does this to you, and wouldn't do this to people he works with.

He's abusing you.

You are minimising his abuse and denying that it's abuse.

Get away from him. Things can only get worse.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2019 19:56

You and your child deserve better littlestrawby. Is this really what you want to teach your child about relationships? Would you want your daughter to be treated like you are as an adult?

And no he is not a normal guy who is basically a grumpy idiot and who wants grumpy anyway?

He treats you badly here and this will not get better for you going forward, you will be in for yet more of the same from him. What would you yourself be saying to a friend if she was telling you this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2019 19:57

I am not being back and white here either, I have seen this type of scenario you write of being played out on here many times and it always ends bad for the person on the receiving end of such treatment

MichaelJustineDamian · 12/01/2019 20:11

My partner became like this when he was having a dreadful time at work, which I was not aware of. He became violent, angry - shouting about nothing, pushing me. I refer to it now as his "monster" phase. He is not that sort of person and has not been since. I finally had it out with him, told him I was going to call the police, and his mother so he could go and live there (which being pushed around!). Only then he admitted it was his job. In the end he found a new one and I have never had any issues since. So it could be work stress?

funnylittlefloozie · 12/01/2019 22:35

If he works in a prison, he needs to talk to his care team or to PAMAssist. I know that's easier said than done - its still very much a macho culture and a lot of men wont ask for or accept help.

Maelstrop · 13/01/2019 00:10

Why are you with him, OP?

Moussemoose · 13/01/2019 09:49

If his job is making him ill would you support him to give up work?

Extreme stress and PTSD are illnesses. He sounds desperate. Why not just tell him to leave his job and retrain.

Do you work? Could you take more financial responsibility if his work is significantly impacting on his mental health?

Dragongirl10 · 13/01/2019 09:54

Op, this is awful, is it really worth the better times to have this awful behavior?

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