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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry husband

74 replies

Angerissues · 12/01/2019 08:48

Gaah, not sure if I am over reacting here, but DH seems (to me) to have anger problems. Not massively so, but I just wish he could deal with some things better.

This morning, he had to be up for work at 6.45am, and I was due my first lie-in of the week (only till about 8.30am). Well, the dog had done a poo. He went beserk. Slamming doors, swearing at the top of his voice, so much so, that I actually got up to see what was going on. So, no lie-in for me.

I found him downstairs, with a tissue in his hand to pick up the poo, and he was shouting that he wouldn't have time for a shower now, so I went to take the tissue from him, but he wouldn't let me. I made him tea and toast, whilst he showered and then he basically stomped around for 30 minutes, ranting and swearing at me. He also scared the dog so much, that she has emptied her anal glands somewhere. It stinks!

I have recently asked him to please stop swearing at me. His language is awful, he must say Fuck 50 times a day. It's just part of his normal vocabulary.

His job is very demanding and I know he gets frustrated with it, however, I make his life so much easier than it could be, because I work from home and do literally everything that needs doing (housework, cooking, washing etc)

We had a conversation, just a few days ago, where I asked him to stop talking to me like crap, and to stop swearing. He was very apologetic and for a few days all was lovely, but I feel like this morning has put us back again.

Last week, he was ranting about something in the car, and I went to exit the car, and he grabbed my collar to stop me leaving. I found this quite invasive, he has apologised, but actually it was half arsed, he has made it clear that he sees nothing wrong with that (am I being over sensitive?)

Obviously, he is lovely a lot of the time too, or I wouldn't stay in the relationship.

I just find things like this morning so unnecessary! He could have picked up the poo and gone to work, without all the fuss

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2019 09:28

At least there are no children at home with you now but your children are away at uni. They are likely wondering and worried about you as well particularly in the event if they have seen him behave like this towards you.

Asking him to move out and give your own self some space is a reasonable request. Counselling for your own self alone could be beneficial in view of your own childhood growing up in an angry household. It does leave scars.

Original poster
Angerissues · 12/01/2019 09:29

I'm glad to hear that it's not just me, that thinks the grabbing of the collar is not right. I feel very disrespected, but he just minimises it.

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 12/01/2019 09:30

He sounds like he has a mental health issue and has the potential to become very unwell.

He has admitted he has a problem and now is the time to ask him to seek help.

For societal reasons men often express their distress as anger rather than internalising it as depression. You should not be abused but he sounds like a very unhappy person with some significant MH issues.

FacingUp · 12/01/2019 09:30

Is he actually swearing at you as in being verbally abusive towards or just swearing as he’s stropping around the house?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2019 09:30

Verbal violence like described is truly insidious in its onset and can happen over a very long time.

I would also reconsider the whole idea of going on holiday with him.

Original poster
Angerissues · 12/01/2019 09:30

Yes, my parents are still together. They still argue (although not as bad as it used to be), but just the other day, after a night of drinking my Dad threw a piece of furniture at my Mum. They are in their 70's, FFS.

OP posts:
FacingUp · 12/01/2019 09:31

Actually the grabbing your collar thing is enough to say he’s abusive, regardless of if he’s swearing at you or just near you.

Original poster
Angerissues · 12/01/2019 09:33

Yes, it's swearing at me. It will be things like "The fucking dog got through the fucking gate, and now there's fucking poo here, and I'm going to be fucking late for work"....all whilst looking at me. So yes, it's not about me, but I feel the anger is in my direction, iyswim.

Holiday is booked and paid for, and he will be happy as Larry the whole time when we are away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Angerissues · 12/01/2019 09:34

I wish I had a little caravan, and I'd just go there and not be here later, lol.

OP posts:
FacingUp · 12/01/2019 09:34

He’s a dick. Dump him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2019 09:35

Do not do what your mother chose to do here; she has chosen to remain in a violent household for her own reasons. She put her man before her own self and you and she as well as you have paid a heavy price for her choices. She may well have seen her own mother grow up in similar circumstances of violence and repeated what she saw. its a reason not an excuse.

I would consider contacting Womens Aid.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2019 09:36

It does not matter that the holiday is booked and paid for; I would reconsider going with him at all now. Why should such behaviour from him be at all rewarded by you going on holiday with him?.

Sparkletastic · 12/01/2019 09:36

Maybe the holiday should be your last. He doesn't need to know that until it's over.

Original poster
Angerissues · 12/01/2019 09:40

I don't need Women's Aid (thanks though). I'm certainly no push over. If it does all go tits up, the house is mine and I have a good income. I give as good as I get sometimes, I have been known to absolutely erupt on occasions, but in all honesty, it is only when he has pushed my buttons to the point where I can't take it anymore. I'd say that he starts 95% of any arguments that happen in this house. I am trying to not react now. This morning I did not argue back. Did not raise my voice. But he had to go to work. Had he been off work and had continued, there's no doubt I would have eventually lost my shit.

Obviously, it isn't like this all the time. We have lots of good times.

OP posts:
Lavender00 · 12/01/2019 09:40

It sounds like he's suffering from stress OP. I'd suggest he needs some professional help perhaps start with GP. Is his work stressful? The aggression is unacceptable and upsetting to you but if it's our of character for him to get this angry and also if it's generally before he goes back to work perhaps work is a stressor for him.

Dimsumlosesum · 12/01/2019 09:41

He's like that with you because he knows he can be without repercussions. At work, he'd be fired for speaking to his boss like that. In the real world, he'd be done for assault of he grabbed someone by the collar. Each and every time, he is getting away with this inexcusable behaviour. It is your choice whether you take the reins or not, whether you put your foot down and mean it or not.

Dimsumlosesum · 12/01/2019 09:42

Either keep putting up with it then if it's so good t other times or if you honestly want it to stop then he needs a no more or I'm gone ultimatum.

Original poster
Angerissues · 12/01/2019 09:44

Yes, his work is VERY stressful. He is placed in dangerous situations on a daily basis. Just this week he has attended a fire which melted his work boots and has had to deal with a few suicide attempts. So yeah, it's not great. I think he thinks that I have it easy, working from home, ad with no stress, and yes, I do. But I contribute an equal amount to him and do all the drudge work at home.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 12/01/2019 09:44

Grabbing your collar is not acceptable ever and as for the swearing and angry outbursts thats not much of a fun way to
Live... . Would you say you are happy OP?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2019 09:45

All the words you wrote are really the words of a woman who is being abused AngerIssues. Many such women too are not push overs either (I would think your mother would say the same) but these men are highly skilled at pushing buttons and otherwise manipulating situations. This was all manufactured by him and deliberately so. The whole trying not to react part of it was particularly sad to read, you are really walking on eggshells around this man. Your parents also have a lot to answer for; they between them taught you a lot of damaging lessons on relationships.

Original poster
Angerissues · 12/01/2019 09:46

Uugh, the dog stinks!

OP posts:
mikado1 · 12/01/2019 09:46

Have you children OP? I can tell you from experience if you go on to have them, it will get worse. My Dh showed v v little of this side before the dc but is a lot like you describe now. Erratic, intolerant and, regularly (meaninglessly) apologetic. If I could go back and foretell it, I'd leave at the point you're at.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2019 09:47

I would think that none of those other people who attended such awful incidents chose to put a hand on their wife's collar in the days afterwards. He does this because he can (like your dad does). Such men hate women, all of them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2019 09:49

He caused the dog to evacuate her anal glands in fear too, the poor animal. That is on him.

mikado1 · 12/01/2019 09:50

Sorry, see now you don't and maybe won't. I still think it's just going to be a repeated cycle, as is, or an escalated one. Sounds like he needs outside help to deal with work stress and anger related issues. Do you know much about his childhood? If it's deep seated, it will be harder to sort and it's got to come from him.

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