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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband and I have split

31 replies

Outherelivingmybestlife · 12/01/2019 01:53

My husband and I decided today to call it a day, for me it was obvious his heart hasn't been in it for a few weeks so I called him on it (hoping we could talk and sort our shit out) but instead we have split and are getting a divorce.

I'm devastated.

I'm trying to be strong and say it's for the best but I'm not sure I believe it actually is. He's so adamant that's it though that there is no point me trying or begging him to reconsider. He has said he's felt like this for ages even though I've only felt it for a few weeks and when I look back at photos we had happy times not all that long ago.

We have a child who is under 1 and I'm gutted we haven't been able to make it work for his sake. I can't sleep now even though I'm desperate to.

I feel like a failure.

OP posts:

oiiiiiii · 12/01/2019 01:55

Holding your hand. I'm really sorry.

Do you work?
How are the finances organized?

Can you manage a cup of sweet tea. Can you text your mum/dad/friend? You need irl support x

Dilligaf81 · 12/01/2019 01:58

Didn't want to read and run.
I am sorry but whatever happens make sure you look after you. Speak to a few good friends, you will need them. Xx

Lozzerbmc · 12/01/2019 02:01

Sorry to hear this but you are not a failure. It will be a shock and very hard to focus on practical things but you must get finances sorted. Ive been there. Get as much support as you can x

Original poster

Outherelivingmybestlife · 12/01/2019 02:04

I've told my closest girlfriends but can't face telling family yet as it will make it more real. I also feel like i need to feel more ok about it before I tell them and let it sink in before as we split up about 4 years ago and they were devastated themselves back then so I don't want to put them all through that again without acting strong myself.

I don't work, I'm a SAHM. He has promised to look after me financially and I do believe he means it although I also appreciate I only have his word for it at the moment.

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Original poster

Outherelivingmybestlife · 12/01/2019 02:08

It's so difficult that he is my best friend and he still says the same so in tough times he would be the person I mean on except he's in the spare room and I can't just go and cuddle up to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Outherelivingmybestlife · 12/01/2019 02:08

Lean on*

OP posts:

Lozzerbmc · 12/01/2019 02:21

I understand re family i felt the same when it happened to me.. i was not expecting the end of my 14 yr marriage and my parents were shocked and upset but were so supportive as were my wonderful friends. So take your time, do what is best for YOU. Dont waste time thinking about him, how hes feeling etc. Let your friends support you. Get advice re your financial situation and in particular your home. He WAS your best friend and its a big loss sure, it will be hard, its a kind of grief... but you WILL survive and you have a lovely baby to focus on. I really though i’d never get over it but I did and it was the making of me i’m much happier now. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself x

Loveweekends10 · 12/01/2019 02:58

I would give better thought to your financial situation. Relying on him promising to look after you isn’t enough op. What about once he moves out and he gets a new gf. Things may then change. Exactly that happened with my friend. He promised her lots of security. She is getting very little.

babba2014 · 12/01/2019 03:02

How long has he not felt happy for? First year of having a baby is tough so I would ride it out a bit but if it literally has only been a few weeks then it's too soon to think that's it, it's over. Send him my post if you wish but really there is so much joy as a family once baby starts walking. It's easier and love can rekindle again. It could just be a rough patch unless it's the hidden woman thing that seems to be so rife with the men of mumsnet women.

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 12/01/2019 03:14

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. Here is my hand to hold and a hug as well (I'm American so I can help being annoyingly demonstrative

I can't relate to the divorcing part, but I can relate to breaking up with what I thought was the love of my life and losing my best friend. It was nearly 20 years ago, and I remember it as exactly as you describe it-wanting to talk to him about it and have him comfort and cuddle you because he is your best friend and you built your life around him. Forgive me if I'm wrong about the last part, but that's the vibe I get from you post and it reminds me of my first love.

There is good news on the horizon though. And, that is, that even though the loss feels great and the challenge insurmountable , it isn't. You will get through this This too, shall pass I know it doesn't feel that way right now, you just feel like you've been left adrift, alone in a giant sea, with no end in sight...it's there though, I promise. You will find your strength to swim to shore and you will create a new life in beautiful, albeit foreign land.

The main thing you have to focus on is your child and all the practicalities mentioned above. Please make sure to lean on friends and family (when the time is right) also, if you it is feasible, I would recommend going to see a therapist by yourself to help you get through this difficult time. Eat a whole pint of Ben n Jerry's (or the equivalent), have a good cry, and watch some movies or Skybox to take your mind off things. Go for a walk if you can, even if it's with your baby in a sling and it's the end of the road. Don't forget to take a shower, brush your teeth and comb your hair. Put on make up today (even if it's just lipstick and a little blush) This is your warrior paint. It will giver you power to face the days ahead.

I know that some of my suggestions sound simple or even a little silly, but they have worked for me and friends of mine going through the same thing. Best of luck and I wish you nothing but courage and strength. You are stronger than you know

For you,

MsLucyLastic · 12/01/2019 03:15

I'm really sorry about your split.

One thing I did notice was you saying that your husband is your best friend. I feel the same about my ExH. When we agreed to spit, we just cuddled each other and thanked each other for the marriage and our DD.

I'm only saying this because the end of your marriage doesn't have to mean the end of your friendship. ExH and I get on brilliantly and are a parenting team for our DD. We spend Xmas together and ex is friends with my new DP.

The end of your marriage doesn't mean you can't carve out a new relationship based on being friends.

Good luck for the future. It WILL get better.

244Rested · 12/01/2019 03:33

The same happened to me but now I am more confident and free. I have looked after my children with the help of my family and they also see him alternate weekends. To be honest, men are a bit of a problem and a headache anyway.

You will be better off on your own until your child is old enough (18). That way they are free from danger from any potential paedophile looking for single mothers. It is such a dangerous world.

Staying single is the best thing that has ever happened to me. No stress and nothing to worry about.

Original poster

Outherelivingmybestlife · 12/01/2019 04:02

Thanks for all your replies.

Our son isn't even 10 months yet and if I was to put a guess on it I would say the last 6 week's haven't been great but he's saying months thoigh he hasn't put a timeframe on it.

I'm not exactly sure what to do in terms of the financial aspect. Do i speak to a financial advisor? Who do I speak to? He's saying to split assets 50/50 and him paying me spousal maintenance as well as child maintenance but I am aware that his word counts for nothing right now.

It has crossed my mind that there is a OW and I've asked him multiple times to which he has denied it but now I'm wondering if he's denying it as he doesn't want that to be the reason noted for divorce or to be seen as a bad person to our friends. I just can't think straight at the moment as it feels so sudden even though i knew things weren't right between us.

I definitely think seeing a therapist would be a good idea, thanks for the suggestion.

OP posts:

ChristmasFlary · 12/01/2019 04:14

6 weeks! So it's not been great for 6 weeks - although longer in his head - and he wants to throw it away without even trying??

Doesn't sound right to me. Think you need to brace yourself for the OW

Original poster

Outherelivingmybestlife · 12/01/2019 04:23

I think I do too now

OP posts:

Dunin · 12/01/2019 05:52

Your child isn’t even 1 and he’s throwing in the towel so quickly!! Is he immature? Doesn’t he realise that everybody goes through massive changes/dips when a baby comes along? Having a baby is a massive readjustment to a marriage. Is this all because he’s wanting the marriage to be the same as before the baby came along?

VioletBedframe · 12/01/2019 06:11

How long have you been together? How long have you been married? I’m sorry I agree that there is probably OW involved. You’ll get through this. You deserve better and eventually things will get bettter. Your DC will pull you through it.

Robin2323 · 12/01/2019 06:17

I agree. Very early days yet.
Let the dust settle. CBT can be very helpful.
Focus on yourself and cuddle you lo.
Babies are hard work but toddlers can be delightful.
Try and be friends for the baby's sake. Keep lines of communication open. All relationships have problems but
A lot of people make it through.

Original poster

Outherelivingmybestlife · 12/01/2019 07:15

I've gone through our messages to eachother on my phone and as late as 24th November he was tell I g me he loved me and sending me hearts etc. Thay doesn't exactly scream 'unhappy in relationship' to me.

In convinced there is another woman but I just can't prove it. It'll be shit but it would be better if he admitted it.

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category12 · 12/01/2019 07:29

Speak to a solicitor (family law). Your housing need is higher than his because of the baby, so 50/50 may not be right for your situation, don't agree anything without having had proper legal advice.

Adultery makes no difference to the settlements, so don't get hung up on it on that account.

ChristmasFlary · 12/01/2019 08:14

My XH walked away from a 20yr relationship....OW of course. I'll never forget his face when l said EOW was his to have the children and half of school holidays..... he really thought I'd continue doing it all whilst he slipped off to his new single life.

Stay strong. Don't let him walk over you and ensure he has his child as you deserve to build a life for yourself too

missbee90 · 12/01/2019 08:45

Sending you love and a hug, my (soon to be ex) husband left me in July.. completely out of the blue and much like yours said he had felt that way for months but hadn’t even once told me he was unhappy.. he had even text me that morning calling me his perfect wifey and saying how much he loved me.. if there’s any advice I can give it’s don’t waste time trying to understand it, I spent months looking for closure or an answer and all he could say was “sorry, I don’t know something just changed” and how I deserve better blah blah - people change, he changed and their was nothing I could do about it.. 8 weeks later he had a new girlfriend.

Look after yourself and your baby, think about you 2 and your future.

I’m 6 months down the line, no I’m not over it BUT I feel a million times better than I did when it first happened and slowly I am building a life without him. You will get through this but need to find some inner strength from somewhere and channel it all on you and your baby.

Lean on friends, lean on family and remember you’re loosing someone who couldn’t even communicate to you they were unhappy or try to save the relationship, he’s loosing someone who would’ve moved the world for him.. who’s the real winner long term? You xxx

PotteryGirl · 12/01/2019 08:58

So he doesn't even want to try and save the marriage at all? How long have you been married..? This makes no sense. At least try counselling, redrawing boundaries and expectations..

Oh and don't protect him. If he's been putting it around whilst you've been having his child then he needs to be called out on that..that's not what a best friend would do is it..If you can prove another woman then she's going on the divorce papers.

Original poster

Outherelivingmybestlife · 12/01/2019 09:03

We have split up before in the past, the last time being in 2015, and he thinks that by splitting up for similar reasons of loving but not being in love show it's not a good relationship.

I would much rather do a trial separation and work on our relationship in the meantime but he is VERY black and white when it comes to this and he just goes in off the deep end, he did last time and it wasn't till I told him I was posting the divorce papers that day that he said it wasn't really what he wanted.

I just don't know how I can get him out his tunnel vision to see it could possibly be salvaged or to at least see if it could. Obviously, if there is a OW that would definitely be it for me as I don't want my son ever thinking that behaviour is acceptable or should be accepted, I think this is why I feel I really want to know if there is one as I'll know to not bother trying and move on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Outherelivingmybestlife · 12/01/2019 09:04

Sorry, we have been married just coming up to 5 years and together foe almost 16. So a long time.

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