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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To no want to sleep with DH

43 replies

lboogy · 11/01/2019 21:11

I gave birth 6 months ago and because dc kept waking at night ( exclusively breast fed) we agreed he'd sleep in the spare room weekday. This then extended to weekends and it's now been 6 months since we slept in the same bed

Dc suddenly started sleeping through the night and DH wants to come back into the bedroom with me. I don't want him to and I don't want him touching me either

I'm not sure whether to tough it out tonight or just tell him I'm not ready for him to come back. I've no sex drive or have any interest in him being physically near me . Not sure what to do. I'm assuming these feelings will fade?

We never had a really active sex life - at least not in the last 2-3 years

OP posts:
bigchris · 11/01/2019 21:15

To be brutally honest if you want your marriage to work i would let him back in now and regain some intimacy even if it's just late night chats and a hug in the morning

Because the longer you leave it the harder it is to regain in my experience

knackeredandsome · 11/01/2019 21:20

Please talk to your DH and explain how you feel re sex. I have been in the same position for the first year of DS' life and even now, 2years on he's a terrible sleeper and our sex life has suffered.

DH and I went through a really hard time when I told him I couldn't stand the constant/ silent pressure to have sex. Whenever he came into the bed (he usually sleeps with DD) i knew it was because he wanted sex (which he admitted) and I couldn't bear it. I had never felt LESS like having sex in my life!

It needs to be on your terms, when you're comfortable with it/ feel like it (assuming he does too of course!). But YOU MUST TALK TO HIM about it, or the issue will get enormous (like it did for us).

Really feel for you on this one x

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2019 21:31

Can you see a time when you’d want to share a bed with him again and/or be close in a sex or non sex way?

Sethis · 11/01/2019 21:35

Have a conversation.

Say that sex is off the table for the moment. This is fair enough.

However he may not be wanting sex. He might just be wanting to have your warmth in bed again, which isn't unreasonable.

How about being together in bed for a bit, read a book or something, have some physical proximity for a change, and then sleep in different beds?

Yes, you don't want him touching you, but even being in the same bed would probably help him feel better if you make it clear that you don't want a lot of full body contact. Hell, even hand holding above the covers would probably make his day. Try to find a compromise if possible.

Dieu · 11/01/2019 21:54

I don't understand couples like this. Sorry OP, I don't mean that nastily. It's just that if you think about it, how do you think this is going to end?
No couples I've known who prioritise sleeping beside their children - as oppose to each other - EVER stay together.
It's too much for any balanced relationship to survive.

Hopoindown31 · 11/01/2019 22:21

I think you need to do more than just hope that the feelings will fade to be honest.

Hidingtonothing · 11/01/2019 22:30

Are you 'just' knackered and touched out OP or is there more to it do you think? I felt like this for quite a long spell and didn't realise at the time that it was massively tied in to imbalances and resentments in mine and DH's relationship which I wasn't even consciously aware of til long after.

Original poster
lboogy · 12/01/2019 01:08

Thanks everyone. You're right, I will talk to him. I just don't want to hurt his feelings. But I'll try.

OP posts:
Scott72 · 12/01/2019 01:20

"I'm assuming these feelings will fade?"

Probably not. Not unless you actually start working towards it. This will require work and sacrifice from both of you. From him, sex will be off the table completely for now. For you, you will have to start getting comfortable with him touching you, non sexually at first but working towards reestablishing a sex life. You should go to a therapist if you can to work things out properly. If these feelings of not being able to stand him touching you persist, then it means the marriage is almost certainly over.

TerriTummyTowels · 12/01/2019 01:48

or just tell him I'm not ready for him to come back

Do this for now. It kicks the can down the road a bit and he will probably get the message anyway

vuripadexo · 12/01/2019 01:59

Barely any sex for 3 years? Can't stand to be near him?

Whatever you do, do NOT leave the workplace! Don't harm your earning potential because you're going to need it when he "shockingly" leaves you "out of the blue".

Spudina · 12/01/2019 02:19

Why do you feel this way about him? Is he a crap father? Crap husband? Do you resent him? You don't sound like you want to be with him anymore. You will need to get intimacy back into your marriage if you want it to survive. If you do want to save your marriage, my advice would be to start off slowly with date nights/child free time, to reconnect as a couple, and try and take the pressure off by not making it all about sex, just spending time together.

Robin2323 · 12/01/2019 05:10

Whatever you do, do NOT leave the workplace! Don't harm your earning potential because you're going to need it when he "shockingly" leaves you "out of the blue".
This '
Reading the op all I could think was all the 100's of post on mn about women being 'blindsided ' when their dh leaves their 'happy' marriage.
Everyone slates the man for being an absolute b** but dig a bit deeper......
Some really insightful advise on here.
Sleeping in the same is Good for a marriage.
Sex could be off the table but if you love him there are other ways to keep him happy without penetration.

Coffeeat12 · 12/01/2019 06:17

You risk losing him.... No man will willing stay in a sexless relationship.... Its only a matter of time before he starts looking elsewhere. If there is no sex, its no longer a marriage.... but just a friendship or even less.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/01/2019 13:33

It’s not completely relevant or particularly helpful, but every time someone says a man claims he’s not having sex with his wife he’s accused of lying because of course he must be, yet there are handfuls of posts on here a week from women who say they have no interest in sleeping with their husband, haven’t for years and wouldn’t choose to again.

Musti · 12/01/2019 14:11

It's nature's way to not have too many babies close together I think to not give us back our libido until the kids are a bit older. However, I found that even if I didn't think I wanted sex, cuddling and being stroked etc soon got me in the mood when the children were babies.

Soeak to him and tell him that you don't want to be put under any pressure but it will be nice to have him back. Start by chatting, watching tv together and getting non sexual intimacy back. The rest should follow.

Lushlemming · 12/01/2019 14:16

If you want to stay married YOU need to take responsibility for this (its NOT your husbands fault).

Otherwise do the right thing and let him leave without drama, so he can find a woman who actually likes him and wants to be with him .

No offence OP, but you don't sound very nice. Your poor DH.

SuperSuperSuper · 12/01/2019 14:24

I think that you're being very wise, OP, in addressing this - I'm glad you've listened to the PPs' advice. There a real risk that you'll drift apart and he'll become close to someone else, otherwise. You don't have to start swinging from the chandeliers with immediate effect, but you need to take some steps.

SandyY2K · 12/01/2019 14:24

Do you love him?
Do you want to remain married?

I don't want him to and I don't want him touching me either

I've no sex drive or have any interest in him being physically near me

Doesn't sound good.

Do you have any affection in your marriage?

Hopoindown31 · 12/01/2019 16:30

You just have to realise that unilateral decisions about your relationship that impact your partners happiness put that relationship at risk. You absolutely have the right to decide to to no longer have sex with someone you don't want to, but if you are in a relationship with that person they have an absolute right to respond to that by ending the relationship. Having control over your body is not a licence to be cruel or unreasonable to your partner.

Now directly post-partum, things are difficult and we should all expect our partners to be patient and supportive but that should be a temporary situation and the lines of communication need to be open throughout.

TerriTummyTowels · 12/01/2019 16:55

You absolutely have the right to decide to to no longer have sex with someone you don't want to, but if you are in a relationship with that person they have an absolute right to respond to that by ending the relationship

Well, since we're not enslaved, you're right. But ethically you really don't have that right to leave. If you have a baby, don't want sex for the next year, only a very terrible man could use that as justification to leave

Racecardriver · 12/01/2019 17:02

@territmytowels agreed but most people in that situation (male or female) would feel pretty shit in that situation and may plan to leave when the child is grown. Refusing your OH any intimacy without explanation (a baby is not an explanation for not wanting to even touch them) is pretty mean.

Racecardriver · 12/01/2019 17:03

OP, you have to have a conversation with him even if it is to say that you have developed an aversion to physical contact.

Hopoindown31 · 12/01/2019 17:57

@TerriTummyTowels

Did you not read the other paragraph of my post detailing the special circumstances post-partum? Still I think that kicking your husband out of his bed for an entire year and banning all physical contact in that time is pretty unreasonable to be honest even if sex is off the table by mutual agreement for that time.

Mrskeats · 12/01/2019 17:59

i don’t want him touching me
Why? This does not bode well.

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