Is my boyfriend tight with money?

[user83921]

Firstly, sorry for the long message I just need to get this out!

I’ve been with my boyfriend 4 years and we’ve just bought our first house together. I’m very lucky to have a mother who gifted us the deposit for the house. I was actively saving for a deposit and had about 4K whilst my OH had saved nothing as he isn’t ‘good at saving’ I have since furnished the house out of my own pocket and it got the point where I realised he wasn’t buying anything so I started a list of things that he should pay half for such as the reservation fee etc. He got very funny with this and ended up taking the mickey out of me saying I was being tight?! The total has got to about £500 and we’ve been here 4 months and I’m still waiting for this money from him.

It’s now go to the point where I buy stuff for myself and not him. Such as we have two different toilets and I’ve been subtly moaning for ages that we really need to get toilet brushes (I mean come on they’re literally £5 he can get those) but still no. I ended up buying one for my toilet and he’s like oh didn’t you buy me one?! The cheek!

I have just come back from a 3 day trip to my nans funeral and before I left I said to him please can you make sure you get some kitchen roll as we have ran out. I’ve come home and no kitchen roll and now no toilet roll (as he has been using this) I’m now having to go out after travelling 6 hours to go buy toilet roll.

Am I being too uptight and he is just oblivious to the little things or is he just that tight with money?

We aren’t well off or anything but we aren’t on minimum wage jobs either. I come from a family where if you want something you save for it and buy it, whereas his family is very much ‘you can get everything on finance’ Also he isn’t in any debt, he was one I first met him but I’ve helped him close all his accounts.

It’s really making me doubt our relationship as I don’t want to spend every weekend sat in the house as he hasn’t got any money and it’s got to the point where I resent spending my money on things for us. We don’t have kids or anything so there isn’t an excuse.

I’m starting to worry that I’m the future we will never do anything as he always says ‘we’ll never be able to afford that’ whereas I think if I save long enough you can afford anything really. I don’t want to waste my life not doing things I want to do because of him.

Make sure he pays you back that £500 and yes the Minute of Agreement is a must OP, it's normal to get that in place.

Yes definitely get a deed of trust signed for your deposit.
First thing on Monday morning ring the solicitor that you used to buy the house or get a new one that deals with buying houses.
If they need an explanation about the time difference it's just you didn't get asked and didn't know you could do it but you do now!
Tell him you want one signed or tell him your mum is asking if you did one and she is insisting on it.
I previously had one of these.

Also take your £500 from the 'joint account' and don't use all the spare money for a holiday whilst he still owes you that!

If I suspected someone was tight I would run a mile in the first instance. Is he actually mean with money or is he letting you control the finances? How much does he contribute financially each month?

Sorry just to add when I say take your 500 from the joint account - take it out of his portion that he has paid in extra and take your own 500 that you have 'built ' up in there too!

Use those savings to get your deposit protected, as a first step

He is stepping into 'man child' territory. Your problem will be that, when you have kids, you will want a man not a child. Unless.you get sick.of him before then!

If you love him just take control of the finances simple!

Yes ask him to sign that you both owe your mum, think you can get a signed contact.
Then sit him down and tell him, say look I got you out of debt didn't I.
It cost us to buy the house, we should go half's on it, this is not me being unfair, you will gain as well as me, as we are not chucking money in a landlords pocket, do you really want that.
Then tell him that not being willing to do his share of buying household stuff is very unsexy, that all women find this so, if he loves you as he says then why isn't he willing to put effort into your new home.

OP think very carefully before you fully commit to this man.

A tale of caution, a good friends DH had debts before they got together, they moved into their house, she put in the deposit.
Because they were a couple she paid off his considerable debts at great effort, so they could start fresh...he often didn't pay his share of bills and she was constantly irritated, (they earnt a similar amount) and worried.
She had to go without any extras, so she could cover his share of bills.
Within 2 years she found out he had lied and taken out another loan and run up debts on a credit card, with nothing to show for it, for thousands, again she paid it off, with savings she had put aside to knock 10% off their mortgage at the end of the year.
Needless to say the stress ended the marriage, she paid for all the moving/splitting up and solicitors costs as he wouldn't.
He got 50% of the house, she never got any allowance for the deposit she put in as she trusted him.
They put off having Dcs as she felt she couldn't trust him. Whilst remarried now she is much less financially secure having to start over and its too late to have the big family she wanted.

Don't be her.

he was getting himself out of debt and saving for a deposit (so I thought) so I didn't mind

Hindsight is indeed a wonderful thing, but surely you must have realised he hadn't saved for the deposit at the time you had to pay it over? In other words, before you were committed to the house?

And how did you come to help him clear his debts (if, as it sounds, that really is what you've done)?

PPs are right about trying to protect your deposit now, but don't be surprised if he refuses; he's got himself onto a nice little thing and I suspect he knows it very well

I'm going to take all your advice and seek legal help regarding the deposit.

I suppose a part of me doesn't want to admit defeat and give up on this relationship. Also feel like I'm letting my mum down as she gave me this deposit as she wanted me to be safe & secure and 'all settled' which is part of the reason I got the house with him.

I felt I was in too deep to let her know I was having second doubts, which is why I'm now on the internet talking about it with strangers rather than friends & family!

What will be will be!

Read about the 'sunk costs fallacy'

It will be too late to bail out, one day, but this is certainly not that day! Imagine how much more money you would be walking away from, every year. Worse than that, you will be babying a man-child.

Conveyancer here. Contact the Solicitor or Conveyancer that acted for you when you purchased the property. Ask them
To prepare a declaration of trust for you. This will cost around £250. You need to do this now. Use the money built up from the bills account as this should be a shared legal expense.

I don't understand how you could get to the point of buying a house with someone and not ever have had any discussion about finances.

Why would you commit yourself to this man when you have so much clear proof of what he is like. He's not stupid. He knows what he's doing. Why are you staying with him? Is the sex that great? He's a cock lodger

It may be too late for the deposit if he won't sign, but you can and should clear out the joint account so you get something back.

My friend would not give up on her DP debts etc. she bought a house on her own. He is officially the lodger complete with rent book.

I think if your mum knew what he was really like, she'd want you to start again without him.

It does give me pause for thought, though, if I were to give my children money in a similar situation.

.

We're moving this to 30 days for the OP.