Is my boyfriend tight with money?

[user83921]

Firstly, sorry for the long message I just need to get this out!

I’ve been with my boyfriend 4 years and we’ve just bought our first house together. I’m very lucky to have a mother who gifted us the deposit for the house. I was actively saving for a deposit and had about 4K whilst my OH had saved nothing as he isn’t ‘good at saving’ I have since furnished the house out of my own pocket and it got the point where I realised he wasn’t buying anything so I started a list of things that he should pay half for such as the reservation fee etc. He got very funny with this and ended up taking the mickey out of me saying I was being tight?! The total has got to about £500 and we’ve been here 4 months and I’m still waiting for this money from him.

It’s now go to the point where I buy stuff for myself and not him. Such as we have two different toilets and I’ve been subtly moaning for ages that we really need to get toilet brushes (I mean come on they’re literally £5 he can get those) but still no. I ended up buying one for my toilet and he’s like oh didn’t you buy me one?! The cheek!

I have just come back from a 3 day trip to my nans funeral and before I left I said to him please can you make sure you get some kitchen roll as we have ran out. I’ve come home and no kitchen roll and now no toilet roll (as he has been using this) I’m now having to go out after travelling 6 hours to go buy toilet roll.

Am I being too uptight and he is just oblivious to the little things or is he just that tight with money?

We aren’t well off or anything but we aren’t on minimum wage jobs either. I come from a family where if you want something you save for it and buy it, whereas his family is very much ‘you can get everything on finance’ Also he isn’t in any debt, he was one I first met him but I’ve helped him close all his accounts.

It’s really making me doubt our relationship as I don’t want to spend every weekend sat in the house as he hasn’t got any money and it’s got to the point where I resent spending my money on things for us. We don’t have kids or anything so there isn’t an excuse.

I’m starting to worry that I’m the future we will never do anything as he always says ‘we’ll never be able to afford that’ whereas I think if I save long enough you can afford anything really. I don’t want to waste my life not doing things I want to do because of him.

If he won't pay for household stuff he won't pay for children's stuff. You'll never have a good life with this man. He doesn't see you as being a team.

So if he's not spending anything, why is he so skint?

Please don't tell me you've bought a house with somebody, his names on the mortgage and he hasn't and doesn't pay a dime? I'd desperately be seeking legal help because if and when one of you leave, he's taking half with him. Your f@#ked, to put it nicely.

Make him pay up or kick him out.

Where is his money going?

I haven't protected my deposit, in hindsight I probably should have.

I was pretty naive and I was so desperate to get onto the property ladder that I didn't really think long term.

We do have a joint account, and by joint account I mean i have an extra account where he pays xxx amount in a month for bills etc. I wouldn't trust him with the account so he has no access to it.

I have overinflated the amount bills are so every month we pay a bit more in than we need to (unknown to him) and we currently have about £1500 in there. I told him about this last week and said about how we could go on holiday this year now and to hopefully show him 'look isn't saving money fun when you get something nice at the end of it' but now all he's talking about is buying a new TV....

Feel like I'm trapped in this relationship now with a man child that would quite happily live in squalor.

I'd get out as fast as I could. I wouldn't have gone into it unless he could put an equal amount in or told you to safeguard your deposit. He's tight and selfish and a user.

I told him about this last week

Stop trying to train him like a new puppy. And protect yourself. Tell him you've been thinking and would like to sign something protecting your/mum's deposit. His reaction will tell you everything.

You've bought a house together but yet you don't trust him to have access to the joint account! WTF?!

He isn't necessarily tight (as you say, a toilet brush and toilet rolls aren't expensive things), just doesn't worry about the practicalities of living as - it seems you will sort him out, and presumably his parents did before?
However I'm constantly surprised by MN threads as to how you can be 4 years in to a relationship with someone, and have got to the point of buying a house with someone, without noticing your differences, and working out if it is something you are happy to live with for the next 60 years, or if there is a compromise you can both be happy with.

He's behaving like a child. You're treating him like one

So where is his money going?

I am so sad for you that you didn't protect your money. My DP's parents gave him 10% and I am contributing around 5k - first thing I did was sort out the trust deed to make sure on selling we get back what we put in from deposits - mainly because his parents gave him that as a gift!

I don't know what to suggest other than maybe an ultimatum? He just seems lazy and disrespectful of you :(

Also yes I would look into if you can get it now, his reaction will say a lot!! You should still be able to get one drawn up.

Not sure why you thought buying a house with someone like this would be a good idea

He sounds a bit of a leech xxx

Yes, your boyfriend is very tight with money.

Don't read if you're squeamish

I had a similar situation when I shared a house with some students. Most of us pooled together and would buy toilet paper and consumables... one bloke AKA 'Skanky Twat' NEVER bought anything - no bin bags, washing up liquid, toilet roll, soap... nothing, he just used what others had bought.

Well, one by one, we all moved out the shared house (he was really pissed off about us moving out, but we didn't want to stay as he was vile) and I was one of the last moving out. The last day I stayed in the house, I deliberately took the toilet roll as I had bought it (and was petty).

2 weeks later, I came back to the house as I had left a few boxes and was paying rent up until the end of the month so just wanted to grab them.....

.... The toilet door had fallen off its hinges
.... The water in the sink downstairs was green with fag ends in it
.,... The bin in the kitchen had overflowed to the worksurfaces, with rubbish everywhere... and there was rubbish on the floor as well
... There were empty coke cans EVERYWHERE which had fag ends in them (he was the only smoker in the house).

And.... there was still no toilet paper in the bathroom....

So, what had happened?

Well, the cushions had mysteriously had their covers taken off and in the washing machine were UNWASHED cushion covers, covered in his shit..

He was so foul and I was so glad I had moved out......

I do appreciate what you are all saying, although I could do without the 'telling off' as such.

Just to repeat, hindsight is a great thing, but in my defence before I lived with him I wasn't aware that he would be so stingy with toilet roll! We didn't live together so these things didn't pop up. I thought he was stingy with going out for meals etc but he was getting himself out of debt and saving for a deposit (so I thought) so I didn't mind.

I'm interested to know more about if there is a way I can now protect my deposit? Seeing as we have already lived in the house for 4 months and no contract was drawn up at the time. We have spoke before about what would happen if we split up and he said he would give me back the deposit as he didn't contribute but obviously this won't stand up.

What is he spending his money on?!

He is behaving like a child!

@Juliette1234 , hindsight is indeed a wonderful thing. However, you know now. If you cannot tolerate this then change it .
He will not change.

You live and learn, don't feel bad about it, took me a while to realise all this with my ex xx

Get legal advice and get him to sign something saying event of house sale or you buying him out your deposit is ringfenced as belonging to you before joint assets. He sounds like he will sign something even now (considering he doesn't even know how much bills are).

he said he would give me back the deposit as he didn't contribute but obviously this won't stand up.

Then he won't mind signing something a solicitor draws up to that effect. That really is your first priority.

OP - I went to a solicitor and got a deed of trust drawn up for £350. I think this can be done at any time :)

Omg you have to protect that deposit, get a minute of agreement drawn up where you both sign agreeing the deposit is yours because it bloody well is that was a big mistake OP surprised your mum never checked that with you and work out all the expenses and tell him what he pays, awful you have to badger him to spend any money

However, if you can buy out his equity (which would be minimal at this point, I'd imagine?) and pay a small premium for long-term gain, it will be better for you. Sometimes, sunk cost is sunk cost and delaying just makes you sink more costs. The longer you leave it, the more equity is in the house.

Right get yourself to a solicitor, you could use the one that you used to purchase the house but I am surprised they didn't mention shares/deed of trust.

It should only cost around £200 or so..hopefully he will sign it. Make it a priority.