Which is better: being single or being in a mediocre relationship?

[Stuffthinker]

Hello everyone. I'm struggling with my relationship. It's not long (less than 2 years), we live together, we are still rather young (29) I guess (at least i try to convince myself :) ), neither of us has children. I have been single most of my life, he has been in several long-term relationships.

Before this relationship, I was not afraid of being single all my life. Of course I longed for a nice relationship, children etc sometimes, but I was very satisfied of being alone as well - I have a good job (though could be better), I have a wonderful hobby, I have some friends who I occasionally see (living mostly further away or are busy, but we hold contact and seek possibilities to meet whenever possible) and I also enjoy being alone (somewhat introvert I guess).

Now, being in the relationship... I feel kind of "meh" about it. I think I want to break up, but I have gotten used to it I guess which is why I am afraid I would not be happy being alone anymore. I long for my single life so badly, but when I think about really cutting it off, I feel like what if I do not like being alone anymore. I feel there are so many things I would like to do, which he kind of stops me of doing because if I would do these things I would not have any time left for him for like maybe one or two days per week. But, if I leave the relationship I think I would be sad during these "one or two days per week".

It sounds so awful and selfish, I know.. I keep thinking maybe I could do something to improve the relationship, but then again I come to the conclusion that I really do not feel any emotional connection with him, I have felt less and less attracted to him physically just because I am tired of him always waiting for me at home lying on the couch and not being motivated to do anything fun or developing by himself, and I would not want him to be the father of my children because I would not like such role model for my children (he has a habit of talking really badly of random people based on their appearance for example, wishing death or cancer to people he do not like even if he does not know them (but making it as a joke), not being consistent and motivated etc.

Then again i think that everyone has flaws and if I happen to find another man, he has flaws also. Maybe he is the best I can get? He has very nice qualities also, otherwise I would not be in the situation. He is a nice man, does/helps with household chores, sweet and caring. However, there are many incompatibilities in my eyes - he is more easily irritated about random staff than I am, which actually irritates me; he is procrastinator and "thinks and weighs" so long that I cannot handle it (regarding his own stuff but also regarding for example what kind of this or that to buy for home improvement etc, it could go for weeks without him making a decision); he is rather extroverted at home in terms of talking - he talks so much that sometimes I cannot handle it and it mostly revolves around himself; he barely asks about me, my dreams, my tasks at work, how I am etc. When i tell him, he really cannot comfort, support or react; or if he does in some rare occasions it's not the way I would like. he has no hobbies nor friends anymore; the one he has he has cut off contact tremendously since we began dating. He is always at home waiting for me, he won't go doing sports for example by himself (although he says he wants to lose weight etc), I do not get any alone-time at home (especially as we live in a flat with no separate rooms except bathroom). I have told him I need alone time, but as he has nothing to do, then I do not get it. Then I once suggested that we could give me an hour each day that we a re in silence - we would both mind our own business or watch TV without talking for example. To him it was so unreasonable to ask such thing, he said it is not normal. However, he agreed to try it. it has not really worked out, because I actually find it difficult to tell him exactly that now, I need my silence moment, especially as we have no separate rooms.

I just can't pull the trigger. I keep wondering what if he is the best I can get..

You already know the answer.

It's not fair to either of you to settle or be 'settled for'

I definitely Think it would be better to be on your own than with him. I had a relationship with someone who had no friends, no interests and would wait for me to finish work and I hated it. I felt suffocated by him.

But I keep thinking that if we had children, it would be beneficial if he would want to be home and not hang out with his friends or if he would not have a time consuming hobby for example. I know I keep finding excuses..

If it's 'meh' now, get out before you have kids. Believe me, even the best relationships can easily become dull, or even intolerable after kids, so one that's not up to much even before you commit and tie yourselves together for life is not one you should be staying in. After kids, there are reasons for staying together (some of which are valid, others less so), but before? FGS have some self respect and move on. At 29 you don't have to 'settle'.

Oh gosh, fast forward life in your mind. What would your goal be and can you see it happening with this relationship?
Being happily single is infinitely more acceptable than just a 'meh' feeling.

“Don’t settle for mediocrity. Take a chance. Take a risk. Find that passion. Rekindle it. Fall in love all over again. It’s really worth it.” Brian Cranston

If you can put up with all this for another 50 or so years then go right ahead but at 29 you already sound like you’re beginning to dislike him. Is that how you want to feel the rest of your life?

I sometimes wonder if I would have met my second husband (who died young) sooner had I not married my first. You have no idea what you aren't missing out on.

Just my opinion but he sounds very self centred and I wouldn't be able to deal with the random nastiness - especially if there were children present. He's not nice just because he does some housework, he'd have to do it all if you weren't there!

*you have no idea what you ARE missing- sorry autocorrect!

Do not stay out of habit, be brave here and make the break. Why have you sold your own self so short here?

What are you getting out of this relationship now, nothing good from what I am seeing. You are alone within this so called relationship and that is an awful feeling. Do not bring kids into this particular relationship either. He is no partner to you and will not be an ideal father either, the man is a pro at procrastination. You would end up doing everything and feel very resentful.

This is not mediocre, this is making you miserable. Leave.

100,000,000 x better to be single

Oh god just break up with him. Honestly you'll feel so much better I promise you.

So he’s self absorbed and seems to have no thought for your feelings (which btw would extend to any kids you have), would prefer you to to be at home with him all the time with no time for yourself or hobbies or seeing friends. He’s also nastily judgmental of others without knowing the facts.

Is there any love in this relationship - on either side? I have a bit of a stipulation for any relationship in that couples should care for one another.

How about doing pros and cons columns, using everything you’ve written above OP, to help you decide?

He sounds highly dependant, has not got a strong personality and he doesn't sound interested in you. Long time making decisions and lack of motivation is going to drain your patience and start resentment. Not being heard is going to grate on you, that he shows no interest in your hopes and dreams means he isn't connected to you.

Being unkind and judgemental of strangers is not a good trait. How long before he starts commenting on your family, your friends, your workmates? And there is nothing wrong with requesting time to yourself, it's vital sometimes...there is nothing wrong with it whatsoever, is he trying to get you to doubt yourself?

Sounds like the relationship is all about him and what you can do for him. The situation is only going to accelerate and intensify and the expense of your contentment and mental health. So get out now. You may have a period of adjustment to being single but you will adjust and be happy as you were before. Some of us are not cut out for relationships, especially stifling unhealthy ones. You are compromising far, far too much here.

I say that because I have known someone very like this who was impossible to deal with as their irritation, dependency, lack of motivation and criticism of others increased year on year.

Thank you so much to all of you! You really are talking sense into me!

I sometimes wonder how I got into all of this, but he somehow managed to be so convincing at the start and made me feel so guilty, and as I tend to be rather good-hearted and sometimes put other needs before my own, I guess I just could not let it go. Especially that there are good things also, we have had very fun and interesting trips etc. However, yes, the cons have really started to be more dominant recently than the pros. I also feel so sorry for him. I have a lot of empathy and want the very best for others. I sometimes think he is a bit narcissistic and thus has spotted my weak spot and plays on it.. He already in the start told me has has been rather "unfortunate" due to being bullied at school, his parents being divorced (although now they are back together after 25 years of separation), all of his friends moving on with their lives and his been left behind, all of his previous girlfriends dumping him and cheating on him, his career not developing as quickly as he would have liked etc. While at the same time, he has told me so many fun stories and activities and stuff he has done with his friends during school time and later, that I do not know what to believe. When we moved in together, we decided that he ditches his rental apartment and we move into my apartment, as it would be cheaper. So now I would have to kick him out with nowhere to go, no friends, no hobbies and a miserable past. He has made himself such an victim of life.. I have told him that my parents are also divorced, I was rather alone during my entire school time as I lived a bit further away from school and those local children did not want to hang out with me, I have suffered depression in my early 20s etc. he has not once reacted in any way to these stories. I have fought to make and remain contacts, to find things I like to do and not blame everything and everyone around me and I consider myself stronger and happier due these things because I have found my happinness inside me. I wish he could do the same.

The more I read your responses and the more I think about what I just wrote, the more I understand what a fool I have been and the quicker I end it, the better.

I don’t think you should have children with a man just because he would be around a lot. Yes that would be an advantage if he was hands on but he sounds very unpleasant in his attitudes towards others apart from which you don’t particularly like him.

The more I read your responses and the more I think about what I just wrote, the more I understand what a fool I have been and the quicker I end it, the better.

I think this is an example of one of those threads where the simple fact of writing something out clarified it to the point where you don't even really need the replies.

For clarification, this is nowhere near 'mediocre' -- this is a crappy relationship that is making you actively unhappy, depriving you of interests, solitary time and friendships you value, with a lazy, unmotivated, verbally-cruel emotional leech who's built his whole life around you, because it's easier than making a life of his own.

But the worst of it is that his ways are infecting you, OP -- the 'Oh, I can't break up with him because I might have stopped liking being single' thing sounds as if you've caught it from him, a man who has no life outside his relationship at all because he's too lazy to juggle work and friendships and hobbies.

You know in your heart and soul that, barring a possible occasional emotional wobble about change, that you will love having your flat to yourself, not being forced into conversation all the time when you want to be by yourself, being able to commit to seeing your friends and your hobbies without thinking you have a prior commitment to a lazy, immature man waiting for you on the sofa like a dog waiting to be walked.

You are 29! Think of everything you are cutting yourself off from to have this man in your life, and end it. I bet he will be awful when you you, especially because he will have to move out,and will procrastinate and try to persuade you you are wrong -- but come on here for support, and go straight ahead. You can do way better than someone about whom you can say is that he's 'a nice man' and helps with the chores. I could say the same of our old (male) cleaner, but I still wouldn't form a relationship with him.

Sorry, typos. 'I bet he will be awful when you DO' and 'about whom all you can SAY is that he's 'a nice man'.

... without thinking you have a prior commitment to a lazy, immature man waiting for you on the sofa like a dog waiting to be walked.

Harsh, but really true unfortunately..

I'll gather up my strength to do it. Probably not tonight straight away, but I will think it through how to handle it and how to make sure he will move out (I know, he should receive some amount of many in the end of February due to tax refund, so then he would not have any excuses to find a new place to live. According to my knowledge he is rather short on his money currently).

Absolutely, think it through and how best to handle it, OP. You don't have to act this very second, and everything you say suggests he'll lay every possible guilt trip on you when you end it how he has nowhere to go, no other friends, no one but you, and why are you being so unreasonable etc etc which you will need to harden your heart against, and figure out an approach to.

The bit of your OP that worries me is that you say 'I know it sounds awful and selfish' -- when you don't sound at all awful and selfish, you sound like someone who realises, reluctantly, that this relationship is not good for you, and not what you want, and that this is not a man you want to spend your life with. This is not selfish or unreasonable, this is an instinct for self-preservation that more women should have, and would have if they weren't still in 2019 often socialised to people-please above all. You are important here, as is your happiness. You should be the most important person in the world to yourself.

Do you mind me asking if you let this man move in with you quite early in the relationship? Enjoy being single, and be cautious before you move someone new in when the time comes.

Please get out now. I didn't and I'm now somewhat stuck 18yrs later. I wish I'd had the confidence and self belief to know I deserved better

I didn't read all of your post because there is enough there in a few sentences to say end it.

2 years is just about the time when you get to know someone and is the point when you should leave if you see significant drawbacks..and you have lots there.He ticks lots of red flags and will get worse.

You maybe empathic which puts you at risk of staying in bad relationships..because you are taking on responsibility for his feelings.

Please don't settle for this man (I didn't leave) and now regret that I didn't walk away. I could go back and shake myself.

There are better men out there and 29 is no age. Raise your bar and move on from him sharpish.

I am so sorry to hear that some of you are stuck in unhappy relationships for so long :(

Parthenope, you asked: Do you mind me asking if you let this man move in with you quite early in the relationship?

I'm not sure whether it actually is ealy by normal standards - we ,oved in after a year of dating. Well, we actually decided to do it two months earlier. But, I must admit I felt I was kind of obliged to do it. He was so long complaining that I do not spend enough time with him (although we spend most of the week together by then, max two nights apart on average) and he thinks that this relationship will definetely not survive if we continue living in the different parts of the city. However, he did not offer any solutions. He just said that it would end our relationship. So finally I offered to move in together as it would mean that we would at least see each evening and morning each other. At first he said that he thinks that if me move in together I would not like him anymore, because then I would see the entire him or something like that. I do not remember exactly. Anyway, I should have listened to him, as it turns out I really do not like him anymore..

"I sometimes wonder how I got into all of this, but he somehow managed to be so convincing at the start and made me feel so guilty, and as I tend to be rather good-hearted and sometimes put other needs before my own"

And the above is partly how you got into this situation in the first place. Nothing wrong itself in being good hearted but you minimised the red flags and carried on the relationship despite your own very real misgivings.

Are you a people pleaser, if so such tendencies need to be properly addressed through counselling as such an approach really does not work particularly in relationships. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

He won't likely move out at all easily, you may well have to employ legal means to get him gone. I would not also counting on him using any potential tax refund money. Do not keep making yourself the pro in procrastinate here by delaying matters further.

He guilted you into moving together. Don't stay with him out of guilt too.
I stayed with my ex, we married, had children - our life was fine. We were together 20 years so it was quite a success. But since then I've had other relationships and realised what I might have had, if I hadn't been with him. Like you, there were various "little" things I had to swallow. But over the years they do add up.