Which is better: being single or being in a mediocre relationship?

[Stuffthinker]

Hello everyone. I'm struggling with my relationship. It's not long (less than 2 years), we live together, we are still rather young (29) I guess (at least i try to convince myself :) ), neither of us has children. I have been single most of my life, he has been in several long-term relationships.

Before this relationship, I was not afraid of being single all my life. Of course I longed for a nice relationship, children etc sometimes, but I was very satisfied of being alone as well - I have a good job (though could be better), I have a wonderful hobby, I have some friends who I occasionally see (living mostly further away or are busy, but we hold contact and seek possibilities to meet whenever possible) and I also enjoy being alone (somewhat introvert I guess).

Now, being in the relationship... I feel kind of "meh" about it. I think I want to break up, but I have gotten used to it I guess which is why I am afraid I would not be happy being alone anymore. I long for my single life so badly, but when I think about really cutting it off, I feel like what if I do not like being alone anymore. I feel there are so many things I would like to do, which he kind of stops me of doing because if I would do these things I would not have any time left for him for like maybe one or two days per week. But, if I leave the relationship I think I would be sad during these "one or two days per week".

It sounds so awful and selfish, I know.. I keep thinking maybe I could do something to improve the relationship, but then again I come to the conclusion that I really do not feel any emotional connection with him, I have felt less and less attracted to him physically just because I am tired of him always waiting for me at home lying on the couch and not being motivated to do anything fun or developing by himself, and I would not want him to be the father of my children because I would not like such role model for my children (he has a habit of talking really badly of random people based on their appearance for example, wishing death or cancer to people he do not like even if he does not know them (but making it as a joke), not being consistent and motivated etc.

Then again i think that everyone has flaws and if I happen to find another man, he has flaws also. Maybe he is the best I can get? He has very nice qualities also, otherwise I would not be in the situation. He is a nice man, does/helps with household chores, sweet and caring. However, there are many incompatibilities in my eyes - he is more easily irritated about random staff than I am, which actually irritates me; he is procrastinator and "thinks and weighs" so long that I cannot handle it (regarding his own stuff but also regarding for example what kind of this or that to buy for home improvement etc, it could go for weeks without him making a decision); he is rather extroverted at home in terms of talking - he talks so much that sometimes I cannot handle it and it mostly revolves around himself; he barely asks about me, my dreams, my tasks at work, how I am etc. When i tell him, he really cannot comfort, support or react; or if he does in some rare occasions it's not the way I would like. he has no hobbies nor friends anymore; the one he has he has cut off contact tremendously since we began dating. He is always at home waiting for me, he won't go doing sports for example by himself (although he says he wants to lose weight etc), I do not get any alone-time at home (especially as we live in a flat with no separate rooms except bathroom). I have told him I need alone time, but as he has nothing to do, then I do not get it. Then I once suggested that we could give me an hour each day that we a re in silence - we would both mind our own business or watch TV without talking for example. To him it was so unreasonable to ask such thing, he said it is not normal. However, he agreed to try it. it has not really worked out, because I actually find it difficult to tell him exactly that now, I need my silence moment, especially as we have no separate rooms.

I just can't pull the trigger. I keep wondering what if he is the best I can get..

Mediocre couple or single is one thing.

But you absolutely, positively, completely and utterly DO NOT WANT KIDS WITH THIS MAN.

Once more, with feeling:

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.

Children do NOT "improve" a relationship. They don't make someone a magically better person. If anything, kids are often a significant factor in breakups, when a middling relationship is put under the additional strain of sleep deprivation, screaming, and massively reduced free time.

You need to have kids with someone you genuinely love and have a strong, firm and positive relationship with, rather than someone you feel "meh" about, or don't have kids at all.

Erm, seriously? Break up! Life is way too short. You're also not being fair to him.

You're 29, forgive me but if you do want children with a partner who you want to share your life with, you haven't got that much time to find him. Leave this guy, he doesn't sound like he's 'the one' for you. Move on. Take some time for yourself.. do what you want to do.. and then think about finding someone else who you could see a future and a family with.

But don't waste time deciding. The next few years are important.

OP unfortunately it is those of us with empathy that certain men find so easy to take advantage of. Just remember he is a grown man and whatever happens, do not allow him to guilt you. Try to think ahead of all the things he will say if/when you tell him it’s over, and have responses ready.

oh my goodness, of course you have to leave this person!

In terms of how: it sounds like you are going to feel guilty that when you end it with him, he won't have anywhere to live, and he'll be homeless, and it'll be your fault that he's got no one else to talk to or help him find a place, and somehow even though he's a perfectly healthy adult man he is magically incapable of googling flat listings.

So before you start wasting head-space worrying about how you can't leave him unless you fix all these problems for him first, go read Captain Awkward's advice on how a girlfriend is not a pacifier.

Good luck!

If you want kids get out now!

I’m single and really want a relationship and kids. There’s someone in my life who wants that with me but he bores the living daylights out of me and I know I’d be miserable. Some days when I’m desperate and my biological clock is ticking (I’m 34), I think I should give it a go but thankfully my sanity returns.

You could leave him and find someone way better. You could be happier alone. You never know unless you make that leap.

Single a thousand times over. I simply do not understand women who cling on to meh relationships or total shits because any man is better than no man.

End it OP.

Thank you all again! I really understand now I must end it. For my sake as well as his. Dragging someone along is not a nice thing to do indeed.. I'm currently gathering my courage to go through with it. Like mentally picturing his face and how to cope with it and figuring out answers to his potential responses (as suggested by some of you also) to be able to stick with my decision. I try to push down these guilty etc feelings and really concentrate on the fact that I really really do not want to have a future with him. Just to be sure that I can really really stick with my decision. I once dated a very weird and very troubled guy for a couple of months. He was very pushy and also guilt-tripped me in hanging out with him (I really though I had learned my lesson from this experience, but it seems I haven't yet). I decided I do not want to be with him and told him face-to-face. He managed to talk me out of it. Two weeks laer I tried again face-to-face. He absolutely refused to break up. I saw him once again but that was totally the end for me. I ignored him then. He called and I told him on the phone I want him to leave me alone. Never contacted him again. He called and messaged me like crazy, I finally blocked his number. So now I need to really prepare myself to end it and to stick with my decision, as this situation is so much harder - I can't ignore him in my apartment..