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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please! Husband says I am also responsible for him leaving me and moving in with another woman!

49 replies

purplepoppet · 29/06/2007 10:37

Hi,

I am in desperate needs of some advice. I posted on here earlier in the year as (in a nutshell) he left me, moved in with another woman, treated myself and the children appaulingly for a few months, then realised he'd made a mistake and wanted to come back. After much soul searching I decided to try and see if we could work things out, hoping that it was just a case of 'a moment of madness'. We went to relate, etc and things seemed to be ok...however, he feels that I am partly responsible for everything he did. Now I realise it takes 2 for a marriage to breakdown, however, I will not accept any responsiblity for what he did when he left. He justifies it all by saying, 'well, you don't realise what a 'b*tch' you were to live with!' May I just point out that I was suffering with post natal depression and had only 8 months previously lost my lovely Dad quite quickly and traumatically to Cancer.

Sorry to ramble, but I just dont' know what to do because I have told him I can't forgive and move on from this if he can't accept what he's done. He has told me that there is 'nothing more to talk about then..'

So, I just don't know what to do now...when he initially left, I moved myself and the children to be nearer my family, changed their schools etc, which was terribly hard for them, but I felt it was the best thing to do in the long run...we really needed the support of our friends and family.

I had to go into rented accommodation as the family house had to be sold. Anyway, now I have been given notice on the house I'm in now, so have to move again in a couple of months time. Its very unsettling and has opened up alot of memories of last year that I was really trying to bury and forget

As much as I wanted things to work out, I just can't get over it if he doesn't accept what he's done...am I being unreasonable?? I really don't know anymore

OP posts:
ChristyC · 29/06/2007 10:49

No, you are not being unreasonable! You were having an incredibly hard time of things, by the sound of it. Where was his support and understanding? Nobody forces someone to take up with someone else, or forces them to behave badly towards the people they are meant to love the most. I think if he is not prepared to take responsibilty for his own actions then there is nothing you can do to change that and you MUST NOT beat yourself up about it. I am sorry to hear that everything is so up in the air for you at the moment - maybe you could see it as a chance to move on towards a more positive future for you and the kids - a fresh start?

bossykate · 29/06/2007 10:50

he is an adult and therefore responsible for his actions. there were many courses of action open to him if you were difficult to live with for whatever reason - he chose the one he did. what happened to "in sickness and in health" and "for better or worse"? he obviously can't face up to what he did so is taking the coward's way out by blaming you. what a charmer.

YANBU.

you are a brave and strong woman. good luck.

expatinscotland · 29/06/2007 10:55

I think you need to see a counsellor regarding self-esteem and assertiveness.

Without him.

YANBU.

He doesn't accept that he behaved like a twat, and taht's essential for being able to move on.

I agree 100% with kate's post!

violetdisregard · 29/06/2007 11:02

poppet you need time to grieve and heal with love and support. OK maybe dp found life hard going for a while - but right then it was about you, not him. How dare he slither off to another and then say you made him. How ludicrous! Do you have some sort of remote control for controlling his thoughts, behaviour and dick? If so press the Off button right now! He still sounds out of his depth by demanding that you move on without discussion. I think some loving support from friends and family for a while might give you the space and strength to decide for you what you really want to do. You have already survived a truck load. You have the strength in you to choose what you want. Good Luck! (((((((())))))))

sfxmum · 29/06/2007 11:04

what a twat so you are also responsible for his bad treatment of his children?
much strength to you

you were clearly going through some difficult times and his job was to support you not piss off and blame you for it

be strong

expatinscotland · 29/06/2007 11:04

I had an emotionally and verbally abusive boyfriend once.

He used 'You made me' 'Look what you made me do!' and 'This is your fault' a lot.

And now, now whenever I hear someone saying this to account for actions that were entirely their own, it really makes me bristle. Because it's manipulative, mean-spirited, untrue and abusive.

Original poster
purplepoppet · 29/06/2007 11:22

Thank you all for all your support...its just what I need right now...I feel like I'm going mad most of the time I think because I love him I've always tried to see a light at the end of the tunnel, but I think I'm finally starting to 'wake up and smell the coffee' so to speak. If he can't acknowledge what he's done or support me emotionally, then there's no point in me being with him...maybe it's time for me to move on and start a fresh

OP posts:
duchesse · 29/06/2007 11:25

YANBU.

Frankly, it sounds as though you're better off without him, upheavals notwithstanding. When your life settles down again, and you rebuild yourself from what sounds like an abusive marriage, I think you'll be glad he left. Sorry, but he sounds like a w@nker, unable to take responsibility for himself and his own actions.

expatinscotland · 29/06/2007 11:26

NO ONE forces a person to cheat on and leave their family.

Think about your kids - how would you feel if their spouse did that to them?

Well, you're someone's kid, too, so why put up with that sort of behaviour when he can't even be bothered to so much as accept that he acted like a c*&t?

duchesse · 29/06/2007 11:26

Sorry, scrub the first line -wrong topic... I stand by the rest of what I said though.

sfxmum · 29/06/2007 11:30

i am so sorry you have to go through this at this time, when you clearly have had a though time.
but sometimes a proper 'clean up' is a good empowering thing. please try and get a proper support network and take good care of yourself.
the point of a marriage/ partnership is to provide mutual support when needed not just to share good times.
much strength to you

TimeForMe · 29/06/2007 11:40

You are not responsible for your husband leaving you and moving in with another woman. If he had stuck by you and supported you through your difficult times would he have given you the credit of being responsible for that too? I think not!

Your husband left you because he chose to. He walked away rather than work things out and rather than face up to what he did he is projecting the blame onto you. I think you are right to not let him back in your life until he can take responsibility for his actions. It wouldn't be avery good 'fresh start' would it? Him laying all the blame at your feet before you have even begun.

Original poster
purplepoppet · 29/06/2007 14:15

Thanks again to you all! I think I need to be a big brave girl and move on and start afresh, just myself and the children. It will be hard, but I think it's the best way to go.

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 29/06/2007 16:08

Wishing you lots of strength and good luck with everything

Keep us posted xx

dassie · 29/06/2007 16:13

Of course it is not your fault - he is being a jerk. Perhaps he should have suggested relate if you were a bitch to live with before having an affair.

You know you are doing the right thing by moving on - good luck!

Original poster
purplepoppet · 29/06/2007 17:23

I just dread that awful feeling of missing someone at the end of the relationship and the wondering whether it really was down to me and was there anything I could have done to prevent the relationship breaking down I think I've just tried desperately hard to get over it, but clearly I can't. Then I worry that I'm overreacting because I've been so hurt!

OP posts:
violetdisregard · 30/06/2007 00:38

bump good luck chill this weekend!

kimi · 30/06/2007 00:54

PP YOU are a wonderful parent, you H is a prat.
You stood up to your responsibility's as a parent even when the going got tough, Your H did a bunk, His little fantasy world went belly up and he came crawling home, and you were big enough to take him back and he is not big enough to admit HE did wrong, HE made a mistake and he wants to blame you for his weakness.
Tell him to grow up, shape up, step up to his responsibility's as a parent, partner and man and if he can't do that then not to let the door hit him on the way out.

Original poster
purplepoppet · 30/06/2007 08:49

Thank you...I'm finding this site so supportive, it's fantastic...really giving me strength and helping me come to terms with things...huge thanks to you all

OP posts:
edam · 30/06/2007 09:04

Agree with all the other posters, esp. Expat. Like the 'bristling' at your ex's comments - that's exactly how I would react. They are like huge neon signs saying 'danger, irresponsible manipulative tosser alert'.

It's easy to say 'you are better off without him' when you are merely sitting at your keyboard seeing someone else's life in cold print. But honestly I think it may apply here, from the way you describe him. I don't really care what his side of the story is, the words you quote him using are huge warning signs.

hurtwife · 30/06/2007 09:20

Hi just read this and completly undedrstand where you are coming from. It does feel as if you are going mad.

I have over reacted (i think!!) to something really small but i know doubt myself again. I am in similar position to you at the moment post affair ect.

Original poster
purplepoppet · 30/06/2007 09:35

I'm sorry to hear that hurtwife Does sound like you're doubting yourself a bit, I know how you feel. However, when we went to relate, our counsellor told us that the injured party will have times where they feel insecure and over-react etc etc...that's part of it..and part of the whole process, and that the other party should be aware of that and be supportive. However, sadly my hubby isn't and feels I shouldn't still be 'throwing sh*t at him' as he so politely puts it! Bearing in mind its not even a year yet since this awful nightmare happened!

Please don't feel bad about yourself, it's totally normal and you must remember that you're incredibly strong to have given him another chance in the first place..it certainly isn't the easy option to take Sadly, my husband doesn't appreciate how lucky he was for me to give him a second chance

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 02/07/2007 12:17

Purplepoppet, keep doing what you're doing. You are a great mum and it's his loss.

Another arsehole husband / dad bites the dust. Typical that he wants his cake and eat it, without accepting any responsibilty.

Kick him in the cock.

maisemor · 02/07/2007 14:03

It always makes me laugh when the person doing the cheating says that the other person made them be unfaithful.

I can just see you spiking his evening cup of tea, waiting patiently for him to reach land of unconsciousness, lifting him into a car and driving him to some random woman's house and asking if she minds sleeping with him. Then letting her know that he will want this because you did not speak nicely to him due to pnd.

Sorry, it is not funny, I know. He is very unreasonable, and it sounds like he does not deserve you or anybody else for that matter.

Good luck, I hope you find peace with whatever decision you decide to take.

expatinscotland · 02/07/2007 14:05

REally, only a twat would blame someone else for this type of behaviour.

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