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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice please! Husband says I am also responsible for him leaving me and moving in with another woman!

49 replies

purplepoppet · 29/06/2007 10:37

Hi,

I am in desperate needs of some advice. I posted on here earlier in the year as (in a nutshell) he left me, moved in with another woman, treated myself and the children appaulingly for a few months, then realised he'd made a mistake and wanted to come back. After much soul searching I decided to try and see if we could work things out, hoping that it was just a case of 'a moment of madness'. We went to relate, etc and things seemed to be ok...however, he feels that I am partly responsible for everything he did. Now I realise it takes 2 for a marriage to breakdown, however, I will not accept any responsiblity for what he did when he left. He justifies it all by saying, 'well, you don't realise what a 'b*tch' you were to live with!' May I just point out that I was suffering with post natal depression and had only 8 months previously lost my lovely Dad quite quickly and traumatically to Cancer.

Sorry to ramble, but I just dont' know what to do because I have told him I can't forgive and move on from this if he can't accept what he's done. He has told me that there is 'nothing more to talk about then..'

So, I just don't know what to do now...when he initially left, I moved myself and the children to be nearer my family, changed their schools etc, which was terribly hard for them, but I felt it was the best thing to do in the long run...we really needed the support of our friends and family.

I had to go into rented accommodation as the family house had to be sold. Anyway, now I have been given notice on the house I'm in now, so have to move again in a couple of months time. Its very unsettling and has opened up alot of memories of last year that I was really trying to bury and forget

As much as I wanted things to work out, I just can't get over it if he doesn't accept what he's done...am I being unreasonable?? I really don't know anymore

OP posts:

Meglet · 02/07/2007 14:11

He's a bloody halfwit and its his loss. Its not your fault at all!

You might benefit from some counselling while you are having a crappy time. I have found it useful in the past. Take care of yourself, BIG love

meowmix · 02/07/2007 14:18

what an idiot. him not you.

Amazing he's managed to breathe without you doing it for him.

Original poster

purplepoppet · 02/07/2007 15:20

Oh HappyDaddy, you did make me giggle I know it's not a funny situation that I'm in at all, but its certainly very theraputic to have a giggle!

Thank you all...you are really helping me..

Situation at the moment - well he saw his daughter at the weekend who is nearly 3...we were very civil with each other, but he still won't budge and is obviously pleased that this is all over

However, as hard as it is for me, I do realise that all the time he blames me for everything, then its impossible for me to get over it, so I'm doing the right thing...its just really horrible.

I have all the 'house' stuff on my mind too and that really upsets me, because once again I'm left on my own to get on with it, because I dare speak my mind and tell him how unreasonable he is. So, off he goes, throws himself into work and really doesn't give a toss about what I'm having to deal with Sorry, to rant...just sort of came out!

Anyway, I've been through it all before when he buggered off last year, so at least I know I can do it again! Onwards and upwards!

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maisemor · 02/07/2007 15:25

Are you staying in the house, or did you leave?

Original poster

purplepoppet · 02/07/2007 15:56

When he left last year, we had to sell the house and I moved myself and the children into rented accommodation...he was literally no-where to be seen I might add, I had no idea where he was living or anything - I was told it was none of my business.

Anyway, the children & myself are now in rented accommodation and are having to move in a couple of months as the landlady is selling the whose.

Even though hubby & I were trying to make things work, I hadn't allowed him to move back in or anything..I couldn't trust him that he wouldn't do it again..and that he wanted it all back for the right reasons, i.e. not just because of his daughter, because he wanted ME & my other 2 children from my previous marriage...and not that he wanted it all again, because it was the easier option for him, iykwim

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Original poster

purplepoppet · 02/07/2007 15:56

..sorry that should have said, the 'house'

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Original poster

purplepoppet · 04/07/2007 10:41

Arrggghhh, just had a ranting email session with dh!! He's just not getting it at all, I'm so hurt, angry and frustrated. He still blames me for everything and tells me that I just always find someone else to blame for everything... I feel like I'm going mad boo hoo

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maisemor · 04/07/2007 12:30

Sounds like he is just trying to justify his shockingly bad behaviour to himself, realising that he can't then getting even more angry and taking it out on you. Try bouncing his emails

sugar34plum · 04/07/2007 12:41

purplepoppet, my life is mirroring yours. i have no idea where my husband is, no contact for 2 weeks and got to sell my house and move into rented aswell. And also all my fault his dick wandered into almost every woman he met! Cat me if you want to talk off line so advice both ways might help us both. thinking of you x

Original poster

purplepoppet · 04/07/2007 13:38

Oh SugarPlum, I'm so sorry to hear that I will certainly cat you...you will need as much support as you can get at the moment. Keep your chin up and be strong, it will all works itself out in the end...another tw*t bites the dust

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Original poster

purplepoppet · 05/07/2007 19:26

Since he's been gone (couple of weeks now) dh has been doing the right thing as far as his daughter is concerned, which is one good thing I suppose....plus he has been telling me he will be financial supportive and give me whatever money I need.

I know I probably shouldn't have, but today I asked him if the thought it may be a good idea for us to go back to relate, to which he replied, 'after everything, do you really think it's a good idea' I told him to forget it as his reply spoke volumes!

Why do men walk away so easy without even trying to work things out? He seems quite happy that I have kicked his butt into touch. He'd rather walk away than face up to everything..

That's it now, I'm done with trying to sort this mess out

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sugar34plum · 05/07/2007 19:38

i know its small comfort but you are fortunate that he is willing to be there for dd, and support you financially.

Still no word from mine and dreading he will turn up at hospital next week with some tramp in tow!

But that does seem to be the general thing for these men. They play around, get caught then simply bugger off and leave us a mess!

There are still good and decent men out there probably waiting at the bottom of the rainbow sitting on a pot of gold!

mireadsmum · 05/07/2007 19:57

Unless you Pimped him out to her and helped him move i doubt it love!!!!

Original poster

purplepoppet · 09/07/2007 18:27

Dh had dd this weekend & when he dropped her home I said I think we should talk. He said, 'what is there to talk about, am I supposed to sit & listen to you telling me that everything is my fault?!' I told him, no, but I want him to try & understand how much he'd hurt me...to which he replied, 'you've hurt me too!'...(very loosely I might add, as he hasn't got a leg to stand on with that comment). I stood there with my mouth open & said to him, 'but I have never done to you what you did to me & the children, I've never done anything that has come close' (which is completely true). He then lost his temper and said to me, 'there you go again.....' (implying that I was saying something wrong, which was his whole arguemnt for doing what he did in the first place). He then turned his back on me whilst I was trying to talk to him, got in the car and drove off, like he didn't care a bit...which obviously he didn't

It's also what would have been my Dad's birthday today (my Dad died a couple of years ago), so it's a sad day for me, on top of everything else. He knows about it, but hasn't even sent a text of email, to acknowledge it...

I feel so hurt and really feel like I'm losing the plot with all this...his actions clearly speak volumes and he obviously doesn't care for me very much at all...I need to draw a line under all this now once and for all, but it's so hard and so frustrating that he just won't listen!

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Idreamofdaleks · 09/07/2007 18:35

Sorry purplepoppet, but you need to move on. Recognise his good points as an ex and encourage them (financial support and father duties) and treat him with respect for these qualities but stop expecting that he has what it takes to be a good partner for you because he just DOESN'T.

You deserve better and in order to get it you need to cut the strings properly to your dh and dump any thoughts of getting back together. Big hugs to you, you have been very strong so far, keep it up and you will come out smiling the other side before too long.

sfxmum · 09/07/2007 18:37

{{{hugs to you}}}

no surprise there it hurts but all the more reason to move on

suezee · 09/07/2007 18:51

so sorry for u at the mo,you have to know that this man is not willing to see how hurt you have been because of his shit actions.stop trying to get him to listen and just concentrate on yourself and your kids.He is obviously not mature enough to be a man and hold his hands up

NKF · 09/07/2007 18:52

Purplepoppet - I think you won't get much joy trying to get him to realise what he's done. If he faced it, he'd hate himself. Concentrate on you and your children and best wishes for the future.

Original poster

purplepoppet · 09/07/2007 22:20

Thank you, you're right...I just feel emotionally wrecked at the moment and finding the strength to deal with it all is hard

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Idreamofdaleks · 10/07/2007 17:43

Look after yourself, get some me time and have some treats with the kids, don't think about getting back together, push that out of your mind.
Write down 5 things that are good about not having dh around

Original poster

purplepoppet · 16/07/2007 00:16

Found out tonight that he has been seeing this woman again recently...I'm heartbroken...after everything that's happened, he's done it to be AGAIN!! I'm such an idiot I just can't deal with anymore

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eidsvold · 16/07/2007 03:27

haven't read all the replies but my ex was like this - I was such a bitch to live with that he had to run off with my best friend ( who also happened to be married.)

BOLLOCKS.

he is an adult and he chose to take up with another woman. He made his choices - you did not choose for him NOR are you responsible in any way for his behaviour.

It sounds like he is rather weak - when you were going through a tough time and needed support - he could not cope with that. He needed to be a little boy instead of stepping up to the plate and supporting you and being strong for you.

In hindsight - I realised that my ex had always blamed someone else for anything he did - it was so and so's fault he had a car accident, it was fred's fault he stuffed up at work and so on. You know what - I realised he would never change and it would come around to the fact ( if we had children - which we did not) that is was their fault he did something and take it out on them?? Also in looking at it - his parent's were exactly the same. I realised I did not want to be part of that and be dragged down and bear the blame for another adult's poor behaviour.

You sound very strong. I know you will have wobbles and you will have good days and bad days but soon you will realise that with determination on your part to move on the good start out numbering the bad and the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train -- it is you starting afresh with your wonderful children and giving all of you the life you deserve - rather than sitting on tenterhooks wondering when he will do something stupid, mean and hurtful and blame you again.

eidsvold · 16/07/2007 03:30

have just read a few more of your posts - I would forget trying to get him to listen - he clearly could not care less from his actions.

You really need to put a line under it - tell yourself - you deserve better and he does not have any power over you. You need to just put him aside - deal with him as little as possible - make it all about the children. Do not waste your time trying to get him to see cause he won't. He is too blind to his own stupidity and pathetic behaviour. He really does not deserve any more of your energy. Use it on yourself and your children - making a better life for you all.

Original poster

purplepoppet · 16/07/2007 05:55

Thanks Eivsoid...have started another thread for my next dilema...'should I email the other woman!'

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