So it turns out that he’s unreliable with child maintenance

[TwiceMagic]

This is mostly a moan. Feel free to tell me what a complete bastard my ex is.

I split up with my ex at least a year ago, but had to endure a period of cohabiting unhappily while the house sold. I moved in August but didn’t receive any CM from him until December. This was because he’s an arsehole he decided I needed to pay him £1000 because I was keeping the (old) car (which is paid to tax, service, MOT, fix etc. Since I didn’t have £1000 to give him at the time, he magnanimously agreed that he’d just not pay me maintenance until December.

So he paid £300 into my account on 1st December. But I’ve been checking my account and so far there’s been no January payment. I suspect that he’s unilaterally decided that he doesn’t need to pay it because he had DS for a week over Christmas (and boy was he petty about ensuring equal time there). So I’m going to have to ask him about it.

I really don’t want to have to try to have a conversation with him about this. He’s a complete arsehole and was abusive during the relationship (financially but also emotionally and sexually). He’s a piece of work. I wonder if he wants to force me to ask for the fucking money because that’ll give him a power trip.

What makes it even worse is that he was always so scathing about DS1’s dad and maintenance. He tried to make out that he wasn’t stepping up properly (yet he paid, and still does even though DS1 is 18, much more than ex will and never missed a fucking payment). In hindsight I think he just wanted as much money as possible but dressed it up as being concerned about good fathering. So he’s a hypocritical and controlling arsehole who doesn’t fucking pay maintenance on time.

Part of me thinks that I don’t actually need the money so why should I give him the satisfaction of begging for it. I won’t go under without it. I would like to use it to help pay off the £8k of credit card debt I accrued escaping the bastard but I can cope with doing that (slowly) over time.

Mostly I just don’t want him to be able to fuck with my life. I hate him. Really hate him. He’s been an arsehole about several things this week and I just don’t need to have to deal with this too.

Your ex sounds awful - sorry you’ve had to endure this. It sounds like him withholding the maintenance is almost like him trying to exert some control over you even though you are no longer in a relationship with him.

Do you have an informal arrangement between you? Would it be beneficial to go through the CMS instead? They can enforce the payments and cut out the middle man. This is unfortunately what I had to do with my ex. It shows the mark of a man if they won’t pay for their child.

I hope you can sort this out, he really should be paying a reasonable amount and you sound as though you've been easy going about it.

Someone else on here with experience will come along with proper advice but I am wishing you well for the future.

It does indeed say a great deal about him that he hasn’t paid.

I could go to the CMS and watch ex itemise every fucking hour he spends with DS so that he isn’t paying too much. Because he would. But even that is just another form of control.

My life is so much better for living in my own house and only having to deal with him at hand overs. Mostly. He does send passive aggressive texts that are almost amusing except for the context.

I just don’t want to have to deal with him. At all.

Thanks @jessstan2. He should be paying £300 a month. The really annoying thing is he’ll be telling everyone was an amazing fucking dad he is. But he’s not. And he’s busy implying that I’m an inadequate mother. Always.

I have been easy going about it. Partly because that’s my general disposition (at least when not dealing with my ex) but also I realise beause I’m still conditioned to tip toe around him.

I think that’s what’s prompted this thread actually. I was looking through my online banking again and I could just feel that horrible anxiety returning because it means I’ll have to ask him.

And I know it’s not a mistake or oversight. Ex is neurotic about checking his bank account several times every day. He’d constantly check and quiz me about anything I’d spent (to the point that I never spent anything on me because I’d have to explain it to him - he’d pretend he was pleased I’d bought something for me, but I’d have to explain every time). He’s definitely doing this on purpose.

Do you know how much the maintenance he has paid compares to what be due through CMS? It doesn't sound likely that he is paying more, in which case I would do the CMS claim from the beginning and you have even less reason for contact. Keep a record of what days he has had your child, as evidence. It seems you can survive financially without it, so I would take the path which is less hassle for you. My sympathies.

The £300 (which he apparently doesn’t pay) is the CMS rate. There is no way in hell he’d ever be more generous. Ever.

Then what's against a CMS claim and having it taken from his salary at source? It will cost him more, he'll love that. 😀

I’m lucky that I have a good job and a decent salary. I never reduced my hours or anything (partly because I wasn’t allowed to) so I don’t need to be financially dependent on him.

The really bad thing about the bank account interrogation was that I only ever used the account that my salary was paid into (which also managed to be the one that all the bills were paid out of and he used for all his spending). So he was interrogating he about how much of my own money I’d spent in the supermarket on really boring stuff like food (which he ate).

I really resent that he’s fucking with my finances in any way at this point.

I would simply put in a claim to cms .

It is calculated on overnights nothing to do with hours. At least w never have to talk to him about it.

I would put in a claim. He can itemise every hour, but unless they are overnights he would be wasting his own time.

I think we get what a shitty abusive man he is, that's abundantly clear. We are just suggesting that given the fact you don't need to beg for money from him, we suggest you use the official channels to get what's due to you, without discussion with him. As a PP said, as long as you are agreed on how many nights he has, there's nothing to discuss.

I think a CMS claim might solve this issue, but possible cause others.

So far this week I’ve had passive aggressive accusations that I’m a bad mother because DS only had one inhaler with him (rather than one in his school bag and one in his swimming bag). This is because he must have left the swimming bag one on poolside, but apparently that’s my fault. And then today a text telling me that he’d checked up on me and I hadn’t replaced the school bag one (because I need to get a replacement on prescription).

Plus passive aggressive texts about water fucking bottles. In fact, I noticed that ex has written DS’s name on a water bottle (which I bought him, to replace the hundreds of bloody bottles he’s lost so far this year at school - honestly, they’re almost single use plastic at this rate of loss). This is all in the context of me being a dreadful mother for having to occasionally send him to school without a water bottle because he’s lost all the ones he owns.

So I fear that a CMS claim would just cause him to up the ante with this petty bullshit. It’s draining.

DS is only 9. I have years of this shit to put up with. Is it bad that I’m hoping that ex either gets a job somewhere and moves away (because he’s so important that he needs an important job) or he meets someone stupid enough to put up with him and loses interest in DS (and tormenting me with petty bullshit)?

I do know you are all being totally reasonable and helpful here. Thanks.

I’m just not feeling very reasonable. I will do the CMS thing obviously because there is no other possible solution.

I am mostly just having an unproductive whinge and should give my head a wobble.

Claim through cms and they can deal with the twat.

If you can afford it, get another SIM card and a cheap phone, just for him. Switch it on once a day when you need to confirm handover arrangements. Grey rock everything else. He will get bored eventually. You are right you are still conditioned and a lot of posters on here recommend doing the freedom programme on here, if you have not already.

On the bright side, as DS gets older, he will have more of a say in the process and you will (hopefully) be able to stand back.

Your ex sounds just like my ex.

Ignore the stupid comments, find a way to let them wash over you. (And I am dreadful at this but slowly getting better).

And crack on with contacting CMS. they are very used to dealing with dad’s like this. It gives you a middle man who can nag him when he doesn’t pay and he runs the risk of enforcement if he really messes about.

And good for you for making sure you aren’t totally dependent on the money. I am glad I sm able to do the same, even if it feels exhausting at times.

Anyone sensible would see that you are doing nothing wrong.

That’s a good idea about the arsehole only phone.

I am hoping that it’ll get easier when DS is older. DS is already managing him in various ways. It’s sad that he has to.

I will look at the freedom programme. I thought I was OK but clearly not quite as OK as I imagined.

CMS do it. He helped create the cost for DS so he pays it.
He will meet someone eventually and then ds may well be used as a prop to show how fatherly he is. You will also get to a place where he is not in your thoughts at all no matter how incessant his petty attempts to get at you become.
CMS because you can't be bothered with chasing him for money you don't need but he is responsible for covering costs associated with raising his child, parenthood costs money.

'Unproductive whinging' (sic)at MN may stop you engaging with him while you're (understandably) angry, be annoyingly unflustered calm and not giving a shit what he says so DS 'wins' a little bit by knowing you are reliable and nobody yanks your chain.(AKA lie a lot).

CMS because it's removes one element of control he thinks he has and your too unconcerned by him to give a shit if he escalates the petty bollox.

I could just feel that horrible anxiety returning because it means I’ll have to ask him.

NO you tell him "you need to pay your share, it's overdue", no asking required.

Cms is useful because official. He'll try to wriggle around it but there's rules, and it boils down to where the kids sleep each night, on the whole.

I'm not sure it would help but I wouldn't be able to put up with his pettiness! I'd ask him why he can't buy DS a water bottle as he must know ds loses them very frequently. Or why he can't get DS a new inhaler on prescription.

What your ex is doing could amount to coercive control. It's clearly having a bad effect on you.
Just remember you're doing your best and nothing you do will change how he is. As long as you're a 'good enough' mum that's all anyone can reasonably ask of you. He's just very unreasonable.

I'm glad you're going to go via CMS. With regard to the overnights, keep a record of how many he does. He may try to increase overnights initially to bring the amount payable. Interestingly CMS said to me that unless the overnights are court ordered they would take my word over his (ex has DD very infrequently but is always trying to make out to the CMS it's more to bring down the amount).
With regard to all the petty stuff, you're not with your ex any more and you don't have to do ANYTHING he says. Water bottles, inhalers, just ignore ignore ignore. If you must reply, simply invite him to complete the task he is assigning to you.
Good luck, I know it's hard but grey rock really does work.

I wouldn't and didn't put up with the crap messages. I'd just throw it back at him... i.e

Only one inhaler.... thank him for bringing it to your attention, could he go and organise and collect the prescription.

No water bottles - agree very slack son doesn't have one, maybe he could provide them in future to ensure that there is one....

I won't and didn't put up with crap. Ex has more respect for me now we are divorced as l didn't let him walk over me