Is this about my actions or his self esteem? (Warning BDSM themes)

[Magenta82]

DP and I have been together just over a year, get on well, he has children, I don't, we are monogamous and looking to move in together very soon.

We met at a munch, a meeting in a pub for people into kink. We regularly go to a play party/club with a number of our mutual friends, when we go DP and I tend to play together, but there have been times when we have played in a group. I like being spanked, I have spanked and been spanked by others in the group and he has publically spanked me and a few other people. Everything is consensual.

At this point I think it is important to stress that play/spanking doesn't have to be sexual, I guess the best analogy I can think of is to compare it to a back rub, sometimes it is foreplay and very sensual/sexual, sometimes it is fun and enjoyable but in no way sexual/intimate. For me it is only sexual if I am doing it in private with someone I am sleeping with.

Next month our regular club night falls on my birthday. We were in the pub the other night when I told a woman in our group that it was my birthday, this caused her to point out I should get a birthday spanking (I was expecting her to say that) and to ask some of the people there if they were going to join in. I joked with her and suggested that because of my age it would have to be done with a feather, but indicated that I was keen on the idea.

Also I wouldn't get stressed seeing my s have this conversation. Especially at a munch with people you know!

Agree totally. As well as being in a BDSM relationship you are still a person with friends. It sounds as though it was all said in a lighthearted, friendly and non-pressurised manner. Not unlike saying 'I will buy you a drink on your birthday, xyz will too, you'll be pissed by 9pm! Haha!'

Thanks everyone!
We have a fairly "normal" relationship dynamic and keep the dom/sub stuff to clubs and the bedroom, even then it is more physical play/S&M with him topping than power exchange/Dominance and submission.

I hadn't considered that he might feel she was topping me as RoseofSharyn says I saw it more like 'I will buy you a drink on your birthday, xyz will too, you'll be pissed by 9pm! Haha!' But I think you and NotANotMan are right and he saw it as her taking over his role. I did kind of suggest that, but not as eloquently, and he denied it but that does seem to be the vibe I'm getting.

Everyone who said communication is vital is right, the way this was handled is the thing that has really worried me. We are obviously going to disagree but we need to be able to talk about it and trust each other.

I was previously in a D/s relationship that turned into something incredibly unhealthy and emotionally abusive, I lost my self confidence and suppressed my own needs. Whilst trying to unpick it and after it ended I did a lot of therapy and work on my own self esteem and emotional intelligence. I thought my current dp was capable of an honest discussion, which is why this whole thing has shaken me up.

I'm going to have to have a discussion with him about this, but will probably leave it a little while so that the emotions have had time to fade.

Thanks again!

I think you are right to have the discussion.
It was wrong of him to shut you down and end the conversation when he did.
I think he felt you or the other person was taking over his control. He did not like this.
I hope you get it sorted.

How very unlike the home life of our own dear Queen.

Do you know that for sure pompodd?

Whenever I feel pissed off with my marriage, along comes a thread like this as if to warn me that I might end up meeting guys like this . Each to his own I guess but I know it would make me feel like a piece of meat

My husband got me a new handbag for my birthday, and some gift cards.

That’s nice WonTon.

I think you may have missed the point of the thread just a little bit though...

My husband got me a new handbag for my birthday, and some gift cards.

I think my "birthday present" sounds more fun.

@Magenta82 (or anyone else who knows)

I don't want to hijack the thread but also don't really want to start a new one just for this question:

I'm into light/medium bondage. I'm competent with ropes and the focus is very much on restraint and mutual pleasure rather than anything else. I've previously only engaged in this with a few partners after the relationship has begun, although it has been mentioned in passing during the dating/flirting stage to make sure they're okay with it.

Is there some community or resource to help find partners with similar interests? To be clear, BDSM isn't the defining characteristic of my life - it isn't an obsession or a focus. It would just be nice to be able to talk to/meet potential partners who I know for sure are open to the concept, rather than gambling on it, and I'd rather get a suggestion on here rather than blindly searching through google.

Answers in a PM or here would be really helpful, thanks.

Hi @Sethis

If you are looking to meet people in a neutral setting you probably want to check out a munch, depending on where you live there may be more than one nearby. This is a social meeting, usually in a pub or similar where people meet and have a chat. It is usually a good start to get to know the locals and you will be able to get info on local events.

If rope is your thing then you may want to attend a "Peer rope" workshop, which is where people get together to practice and teach each other different rope techniques. They tend to be instructional rather than erotic so are less intimidating would be a good place to meet people with similar interests.

The best place to find out what is going on in your area is a website called fetlife. It is social networking for fet rather than a dating site, you can search for local events there. The website is a bit crappy, has a dark myspace type vibe but its the best place for info. Once you have found a munch or whatever you can message the organiser before going and they will usually offer to introduce you around and check you are ok.

Good luck, let me know how it goes.

Thank you kindly, Magenta, that's extremely helpful! I'm currently working outside the UK but will have a look at what you've suggested as/when it's possible.

If anyone has additional advice or info, I would welcome a PM in order to avoid going further off-topic here.

I do hope you manage to get sorted out with your DP!

Ignore all the negative posts!

There's one thing that it's really important when it comes to submissive/dominant relationships and/or attending those events: communication.

The partners need to be equal when it comes to communication and expressing what they are comfortable with and what bothers them. Even if he is having trouble explaining why he chose those words, he needs to at least try his best rather than brush it under the carpet. I think you are definitely right about addressing it now before it turns into the norm (him saying something that offends you and then refusing to resolve it).

Oh OP...could not read and run. Kinkster here. On Fet to.

Im getting both sides of this tbh and yes...i know fulleth well Ye Olde Birthday spanks. Or alternatively, how a dirty old get who would never get within eleventy billion years of your peachy ass (I have an imagination) does so under 'spanks rule'

Its tricky. Im guessing the BF is Dom?

OP; its not great this and i think you know it. All scene stuff needs to observe RACK and SSC. To intimate you might like something is not only keaving youself but othets wide open here.

1 - Be clear on what YOU want to happen in your own head

2 - Ethics would suggest you then talk to your partner

3 - Then decide based on the above yoir next action.

For people that are not getting it, it is like argeeing that someone can borrow your tv. But if a friend were to tell someone else they could borrow your tv then that isn't on

Is it just me or does that make op sound like a possession or an entertainment device?

Agreed @Merville it aint great and no, its NOT how it works. At all!

I agree merville,
Plus she's said they don't have the D/s type of power thing out of the bedroom.

Wouldn't it be more like:
I often have friends around to watch Eurovision at my house (something we would all enjoy because presumably we all enjoy eurovision). Usually we end up laughing about when we were younger, playing beer pong and the eurovision drinking game. Whilst out with friends, a friend suggests that I should host a get together at my house again for Eurovision next week and i should get the drinks and rules for 2019 eurovision ready. I say it's a great idea. DP then goes in a mood and gets arsey because it wasn't my friend's place to make a suggestion that I might enjoy and I'm clearly out of order for saying it's a great idea and that I would consider it.

That's how I see the situation and it's why i think OP's DP needs to get over it and grow up, or they need to realise they arent on the same page on some things if he wants more control than the OP is happy with.

@MaisyPops

I agree merville

I often have friends around to watch Eurovision at my house

You sick fucker.

Op, you'd definitely be better off looking for advice from a link friendly forum

NotTheFordType
I was being friendly?

I don't personally like Eurovision btw

I was just saying that I agree thay the analogy Melville quoted with the OP sounded more like OP was a possession, but that the OP has said her and her DP don't have that sort of dom/sub out of the bedroom.
So really it was more like i enjoy something, a friend makes a suggestion that I do something I might enjoy, DP gets in a mood because it wasn't friends place to suggest something I might enjoy.

If the DP wants more control in that way then it needs to be with the OP's consent, not just deciding to go in a mood because someone (out of the bedroom) suggested an activity they know the OP likes.

Maisy
Ford was joking with you
Like spanking is one thing but Eurovision is a kink too far

Oh right I thought so and then thought otherwise. That'll teach me to mumsnet before my morninng caffeine Sense of humour bypass there.

@Renarde1975 I take your point, however we are talking about a lighthearted birthday spanking in a very public place, no restraints, gags, etc so risks are minimal. He has not expressed a problem with me engaging in non-sexual play before so I didn't think I would need his permission this time.

@Merville whilst I have experienced objectification in the past at enjoyed it under certain circumstances it is not something I have got into with this partner. I am not a toy for him to play with and share around and we have not discussed the possibility of entering into that kind of dynamic and it is not something he has ever expressed an interest in. The fact that we don't have a D/s relationship is why i got so flipping confused in the first place.

@MaisyPops Eurovision?! and I thought I was the pervert!

I realise that Mumsnet is not necessarily the most appropriate venue for this question, but I needed to ask people not involved, my kink friends were there at the time and I would need to go into an awful lot of explaining and back story to discuss with my 'nilla ones. I figured there would likely be a couple of people here who would have an understanding of the nuances involved (there are more of us around than people think).

I really appreciate all of the help and comments. Thanks.

Well then he needs to wind his neck in,byou can arrange (or not arrange) whatever you like with whomever you like whenever you like (given that you have agreed to doing this within your relationship) - it doesn't seem to me that he should be getting angry, huffy, whatever because his approval is not being sought and he's not instigating it etc.

He also sounds like a shit communicator, to be honest.

Sorry but for some reason 'light-hearted spanking' gave me a laugh, just trying to imagine a heavy-duty hearted spanking 😁.

Heavy-hearted not heavy duty!

What is it with my autocorrect.

I would not find a heavy duty spanking amusing.