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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

midlife woes

51 replies

chelsea100 · 10/01/2019 14:06

i dont know if anyone has been in a similar position but basically i am guy in my early forties, things are really difficult. i have been married for 15 years - but constantly thinking about leaving. I think i may have fallen for another person but not sure. The whole process scares me to death and i feel out of control. Not sure if anyone can help!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 10/01/2019 14:40

Why are you thinking about leaving?
Were you thinking about leaving before you had your head turned?
If so, why?
Do you comminicate well with your DW?
Do you go out together?
Do you share the chore and mental load at home with your DW?
Do you both have time to do your own things as well as things together?
Is your sex-life good?
Do you have DC with your wife.

Before you even consider any of this please read 'the mid-life crisis script' and do your utmost to NOT follow it!

ahola · 10/01/2019 14:43

Are you my husband?

Pockybot · 10/01/2019 14:46

Do you have kids

Original poster
chelsea100 · 10/01/2019 15:43

well its been up and down for years prior having these feelings. I suppose my biggest worry is it possible to ever be happy after divorce ? are you just going from frying pan to fire so to speak? yes i have kids as well so super complicated

i know there is never a magic wand!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 10/01/2019 16:04

Every relationship has ups and downs.
So what does separation look like?
Would you move out and rent somewhere.
It would need to be big enough to ensure you can have the DC over night.
Do you and your DW both work full time?
Is she the main carer?
Would you want 50:50 access / custody of your DC?
For the love of god do NOT move in with the OW for a minimum of a year.
That would be a horrible thing to do to your DW and your DC.
Just know that the grass is very rarely greener on the other side.
Both my LT Ex's can testify to that! (serves them right)

Is your marriage salvageable?
Could you get some counselling together?
Does your DW have any idea how you are feeling about your marriage?
Don't just spring all this on her.
Sit down and write a list of all that you think is wrong, on both sides, yours and hers.
Ask her to do exactly the same.
Then sit and discuss all the points and see if you can reach a compromise to move forward.
Whether that be together or apart.
You may find, if you talk to your DW, that she is feeling exactly the same as you (but probably without the OM).

Dard · 10/01/2019 16:09

The pain u will cause will shatter lives think very carefully with your head not your trousers

QTPie · 10/01/2019 16:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/01/2019 16:16

So you're wobbling. You tell us you have always had doubts? At some point you will tell yourself you "deserve to be happy". If you can do the mental and emotional gymnastics to justify straying, I suspect you'll quickly stop being scared to death.

If on the other hand you can talk to your wife now, tell her your marriage is in trouble and hold back from complicating matters by exploring attraction to someone else, won't that be better?
While your wife remains in the dark, she can't make informed decisions.
It's not even just about the two of you.

BeepBeepBop1 · 10/01/2019 16:55

I would say talk to your wife be honest about your feelings for another person. Life's too short to stay somewhere if you've already started to check out. Maybe separating will give you both the chance to have true happiness, especially if your head has already been turned. I know lots of people who've taken the leap and been happier, but I also know lots where the easiest option isn't the happiest.

Original poster
chelsea100 · 10/01/2019 17:07

I think alot of these feelings have been building for years and suddenly hitting my forties has put a huge sense of urgency on the whole thing. I did have it out with my wife a few years back but i think by that point i had lost quite alot of feelings. It is so easy to get sucked in to a life that actually isnt right. I do have really strong feelings for someone else but its complicated and i am worried i will end up on my own heartbroken and broke. In a total spin tbh

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/01/2019 17:08

Pitiful

BeepBeepBop1 · 10/01/2019 17:24

Well you can't dangle your wife on. Really you're scared about being alone not about the end of the relationship. That's a realisation in itself. Women appreciate honesty and I would say maybe talking to her and giving you both a chance to find yourselves might be an option. You may both discover apart is better or get back together. Either way tell her.

QTPie · 10/01/2019 17:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

StealthNinjaMum · 10/01/2019 17:32

Me me me.

You're worried about ending up alone? I think you should leave and give your wife the chance to meet someone who is good enough for her.

properfkup100 · 10/01/2019 17:35

Speaking from experience here, hitting my 40s really shook things up. I definitely saw it as a crossroads. I loved my husband but being, hopefully, half way through my life, I just didn't feel like I could continue the same old for the next half of my life. We had our ups and downs and he wasn't a bad man but I just couldn't see a way forward together. I got to the point where if we stayed together then I may regret it, if we separated then I may regret it.... but less!
My husband has now left and we are both having respectful distance and time to get through this. We have a date night once a week. This is working.
Is there anyway you could negotiate a similar situation and take the pressure off you both? A bit of time out?

MisstoMrs · 10/01/2019 17:45

A friend of mine had some good advice when she was getting divorced...no one will blame you for leaving, but they will blame you if you do it badly.

You may have developed the crush because you’re unhappy but imagine them seeing you in the same positions / situations as your wife does, and vice versa...once the sex and shine wears off it’s likelt your relationship will look very similar, just with a different person in situ and potentially unhappy children if you manage this badly.

Arrange relationship counselling. Try. If it doesn’t work then you will know you did your best and can move on with a clear conscience. If you don’t feel you have time for that then you’re in lust and need to give yourself a talking to.

CheggarsPlaysPlop · 10/01/2019 17:45

Listen to PP's advice. I feel for you. Yes - your post is a little self indulgent but we can all be like that. Don't judge! Try and put aside the other (complicated) person and talk to your wife. Be honest with yourself about why you want to be alone. If you are both making each other unhappy then it might just be time to go your seperate ways. It's hard. I am going through it currently. Everyone in the family suffers but ultimately I know I will be happier. Possibly alone forever - who knows? It's better than being alone and living with someone who you don't want to be with

BeepBeepBop1 · 10/01/2019 18:02

@CheggarsPlaysPlop your last bit is totally right. Be alone and happy or alone in a relationship.

Pockybot · 10/01/2019 18:12

I’ve just had this done to me (been left)
The impact on the kids is dreadful
I just wish we had got to couples counselling in time
Emotion focused therapy can be good

Tanyaaah · 10/01/2019 18:15

Wow, I could have written this post, and almost did. It would've been word for word the same but I am the woman. Terrified for the same reason - ending up alone. Don't know for sure how he feels but I think we are almost in a very tricky situation.

Alfiemoon1 · 10/01/2019 19:09

Are u my husband lol ? I agree with hellbells. have you worked on and put effort into your marriage and are still unhappy or is this just brought about by your crush. Does your crush feel the same way about you
Of course you shouldn’t stay if you are unhappy but think carefully before you do the grass isn’t always greener and it’s a massive step that will effect not only your but your dw and dc lives

funnylittlefloozie · 10/01/2019 19:12

Who "suddenly" hits 40? Isnt there plenty of warning, when you're 38, then 39...?

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/01/2019 19:22

You could be my ex husband. I made him leave a year ago when I found out he was having an affair with a 27 year old at work. He was 40, it was pathetic, everyone now thinks he’s pathetic and he ripped mine and the kids lives apart, because he was having a mid life crisis.
Problem is, he’s still 41, grey, with high bp and two pre-teenage kids but he has a lovely 28 year old on his arm so YAY! He also now has not much money because the same wage has to go two ways, towards two houses now. And his kids of course.

He says he was “unhappy” yet I knew nothing of this and he was very good at pretending to be until he embarked on an affair. I never got chance to try and work things out so if you really are unhappy then PLEASE talk to your wife before you check out of your marriage, surely you owe her that. This other woman you have feelings for isn’t the answer and if you don’t work out why you are unhappy then you will take it with you into any other relationship you enter.

Tanyaaah · 10/01/2019 19:23

I haven't hit 40 yet but can see it coming! How can you put more effort into your marriage if you can't stop thinking about someone else? Serious question. Surely sometimes you'd be better off with that other person, as in better suited all round. It is ever worth the upheaval and hurting others (who may end up with better partners too!)

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/01/2019 19:25

I actually thought a mid life crisis was a made up phenomenon but I know of so many men who have hit 40 and done the same thing while their poor wives and children are left to pick up the pieces because here is only room for one parent to decide they are bored with what they chose and would like a more exciting life now please.

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