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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

midlife woes

51 replies

chelsea100 · 10/01/2019 14:06

i dont know if anyone has been in a similar position but basically i am guy in my early forties, things are really difficult. i have been married for 15 years - but constantly thinking about leaving. I think i may have fallen for another person but not sure. The whole process scares me to death and i feel out of control. Not sure if anyone can help!

OP posts:
Tanyaaah · 10/01/2019 19:25

I realise how shit and selfish that sounds. Sad

twattymctwatterson · 10/01/2019 19:32

Interesting that you're more worried about being alone and broke than tearing your kids lives apart. Let's face it you wouldn't be leaving if you weren't having an affair

user1470296287 · 10/01/2019 19:41

Right this might be another way of looking at it....

You leave your boring old drudge of a wife as she has had your children kept your lives all running smoothly , she’s good at that sort of stuff I suppose but you no longer fancy her as your head turner is hot to trot after all she hasn’t washed your skiddy pants and listened to your whinging about how boring life can be !

Next split all assets and all the other stuff you have BOTH worked hard for and divide 50/50 if you can afford it !

Right that’s the misery and boring stuff sorted, now go and be happy with hot head turner because it’s fresh, exciting and new she is everything the Women you married isn’t and it feels the right choice.

Fast forward 2/3 years if your lucky! and now the sex isn’t so regular and she has some bloody awful habits and shit that you never took into consideration, your feelings are changing.
this isn’t working out how you expected it too, but your that much further into your 40’s possibly nearer 50 and you haven’t got a lot left to offer the next victim to make you realise your feelings for head turner are not what you thought they were in the beginning when you threw it all away for her.

You start to realise that your ex wife was a good women and you have so much shared history that now your in your late 40’s you can’t build that sort of life again with another woman and you might even realise you still love your ex wife !

Too Late !

Meanwhile ex wife has got over the heartbreak, rejection and shit storm she was thrown into and is so much happier in her life, she looks so happy chilled and is really enjoying being her own boss.
She has now met a new man and he has made her feel attractive, sexy, and important again she is glowing as now she has freedom from the drudgery of her old married life as the children are with dad and head turner for the weekend and she is really enjoying a sexy hot weekend away. She finally realised that everything she went through was actually worth it even though it didn’t feel like it at the time, but the ex husband has done her a huge favour.

So you trot off with head turner and start your relationship with this woman who knows your married but she is prepared to throw that bomb in your wife’s life as quite honestly she wants what she wants and so do you so why give a shit it will be all worth it eh.

Ex wife and new man start their relationship on equal footing and no one gets hurt as they start their happy ever after as divorced singles.
So you just crack on and leave then you will have everything your poor current wife can’t provide.

I’ve been there it’s shit think long and hard before you leap as you might not realise it now as it all seems exciting and new but you could possibly be making a huge mistake!!

Alfiemoon1 · 10/01/2019 19:52

Well put user147

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/01/2019 19:55

^ brilliant.

Pockybot · 10/01/2019 19:56

Is that how it works out?

chelsea100 · 10/01/2019 20:22

First of all thank you to all of the brilliant contributions -it is very carthatic tbh. Sometimes you just need to hear lots of comments. I am not a selfish person at all. I just want to feel that love ( sorry very soppy). I can't do mediocrity anymore

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 10/01/2019 20:31

I can't do mediocrity anymore

Oh fuck off, you self-pitying bore! The chances are you're at least a bit sub-par yourself.
You are clearly looking for an excuse to fuck someone else. Your wife deserves better and your children shouldn't have their lives ripped apart because you'd rather chase another woman than get some counselling and talk honestly to the woman you vowed to share the rest f your life with.

bananapeanutbutterandtoast · 10/01/2019 20:33

If you genuinely aren't happy then end it. If you end up alone it's better than being in a relationship you don't want as that's not fair on your wife or kids or you. She might be happier with someone else too. You can't live a lie. It would be a miserable existence for everyone. Also does money really matter?

That also goes for the other person you mentioned.
You can't live a lie by cheating on your wife with them. It's not clear if you are or not from your post.
Also why is it complicated? If it's your wife's best friend/sister/brother/whatever, then it's not a good idea to get involved...ever!

Pockybot · 10/01/2019 20:34

At least with counselling if it transpires that there is nothing to salvage you can make a good separation, new relationship as coparents
But maybe it will salvage things

QTPie · 10/01/2019 21:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

user1470296287 · 10/01/2019 21:22

I appreciate your point QTPie but this is different in the respect that OP has had his head turned and is thinking of making that jump because something more exciting (for now) has made him think what he has already is not good enough.

Your friend on the other hand has finished her marriage for very valid reasons but stayed on her own to heal and hopefully move on to a happier more for filled relationship in the future.Not for the false promise of someone who for now is forbidden fruit.

I agree he should give his wife the opportunity to find someone more exciting and hopefully more loyal and respectful.
The path he will choose to walk is not paved with gold but he must find that out for himself.

I sound bitter I suppose as I was the women his wife is now,
Totally in the dark about what is about to happen in her life, it’s devastating.
I’m nearly 3 years on and I’m very happy and so are my children
My ex has nothing and is at the bottom starting again with a girlfriend he doesn’t really want to be with and is totally miserable.
All that pain and hurt and he has thrown his family away.
He is a very miserable 50 year old, it wasn’t worth it from where I’m standing.

lifebegins50 · 10/01/2019 21:40

Op, it is likely to be you not your wife. Happiness is an inside job.

Jed Diamond is a writer on this subject and you might want to research midlife crisis.

I know many men who did what you plan to do, they are still unhappy as they haven't fixed themselves.

Did you have a difficult childhood as the mantra often said is "troubled childhood, troubled midlife"

Alfiemoon1 · 10/01/2019 21:48

If you have put the effort in and still feel unloved then leave because you have tried not because you have had your head turned. Your wife may also feel unloved it’s difficult as a couple juggling work children chores etc and it can become boring and mundane your wife maybe feeling the same that it’s an endless cycle of work kids and housework. If you have given your marriage your best effort then leave because you have tried and are unhappy not for someone who has turned your head because even if things work out for you and the ow you may find yourself in the same position years down the line

halfwitpicker · 10/01/2019 21:50

Please hurry and leave so I can start shagging my hot colleague without the guilt

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/01/2019 23:14

Could you go into more detail re. The having it out with your wife?

What specifically is making you unhappy?

Have you ever or would you consider marriage counselling?

Does the person in question know how you feel and does she feel the same?

Lozzerbmc · 10/01/2019 23:28

Talk to your wife she may feel the same. She also might be tired of the Mediocrity ? Is she working, looking after the kids, running the house, making sure everyone has what they need? Give it a proper chance with counselling maybe, otherwise you may regret it. Dont have an affair that would be devasting to her as i know from experience. If you really no longer wish to be married be decent and end marriage first.

pissedonatrain · 10/01/2019 23:52

So what you're saying is you want to make sure the new person is a sure thing for you before you wreck your marriage.

Tell your wife your head has been turned. Keeping her in the dark until you have it all figured out is very selfish.

chelsea100 · 11/01/2019 10:34

thank you to everyones contributions much appreciated

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 11/01/2019 10:41

So what have you decided to do op

VirtuallyConfused · 11/01/2019 10:44

This has happened to me, and it's not easy to work out what to do.

I don't want to break up my family, and I do love my DH, but I don't fancy him and I don't have the same romantic feelings I did. We have spoken about it and we have fallen into a friendship sort of dynamic.

For the moment, we aren't leaving each other, but both of us I think wonder 'is this it?'

Saying that though, I have started to make connections with people outside of my marriage with an online affair. It's made me realise the excitement and desire that has been missing from my main relationship.

MisstoMrs · 11/01/2019 11:54

@virtuallyconfused I was with you up to the excitement part...I would have thought being treated as a person was more important?

MisstoMrs · 11/01/2019 12:10

Sorry, should clarify, by being seen as a person, I mean being more than a mum, admin assistant and sex. It’s so easy to get lost in being a mum / wife that when someone reminds you you’re a person as well I can see that would be appealing. Excitement fades.

Hopoindown31 · 11/01/2019 12:17

@properfkup100

I'd be really interested in knowing a bit more about your separation set up. Do you have kids? If so what are contact arrangements like? Where is your DH living? What do the date nights consist of? Are you dating other peoplr as well? You say it is working, but in what way and do you and DH agree on that? How long will it go on for?

Trial separations rarely work to bring a couple back together imho so I'm interested in understanding one that is 'working' a bit more.

VirtuallyConfused · 11/01/2019 12:27

@MisstoMrs yes, that is a big part of it.

I also think what happens is during the years of having young children you are just trying to survive life. When they get a bit older and you have more time its then you start seeing the gaps and voids in your relationship and life.

I would perhaps be happy with an open relationship with my current DH, but we will see.

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