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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm about to be dumped. Please tell me it'll get better.

46 replies

UterusUterusGhali · 10/01/2019 09:11

I know time's a great healer etc but I just feel so so sad at the moment.

We've been together 6 years or so on and off. Properly together for about 3. Don't live together but very much part of my life.

My children love him. I thought we'd grow old together. I wanted to marry him.

I know it's coming.

Tell me how I'll get over this. I'm in bits.

OP posts:
nomorearsingmermaids · 10/01/2019 09:12

Sorry to hear that OP Flowers

I've been there. It's not helpful at all in the moment but it really and truly does get better.

How do you know?

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2019 09:12

Why do you feel it is about to end?

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 10/01/2019 09:31

He's disassociating. I can tell. He's done it before years ago. He compartmentalises so well.

I thought I was pg last month (very late period although I have a coil) and I think it's highlighted to him how much he wants a child. (I have 3. He has none.)

We'd have a child together in a heartbeat if we could afford it, but we simply can't afford a big enough house together. (I rent. Don't earn a lot.)

Part of me wants him to be happy and find someone more suitable. But I can't imagine life without him. And I'm too old and broken to start again.

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 10/01/2019 09:39

Why do you need a bigger house for one more child? Do you want 4 kids?

Have you talked about this rather than just assumed he is going to end things? If he loved you and wanted his future to be with you then surely he would discuss having another child?

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 10/01/2019 09:59

We do want a child together. We've discussed it at length.
I live in a tiny 3 bed (rented)
He has a 2 bed 5 miles away that he owns.
I don't earn enough for us to get a decent sized mortgage between us; we live in a v expensive area.
My eldest might leave home soon for uni but the house is pretty small still.

I think he wants someone without baggage tbh. Can't really blame him. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

OP posts:
nomorearsingmermaids · 10/01/2019 10:00

OP, I'm one of four kids and we lived in a two bedroom house. It was honestly fine.

Obviously in an ideal world all kids would have their own bedrooms but it really isn't a big deal if they have to share.

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 10/01/2019 10:14

I guess if we were gonna do it we'd find a way. :(

He said something the other day when v drunk too about always cheating on every partner. (Him).
I told him he was free to write his own narrative and it wasn't set in stone he'd alway cheat. He then said "fine we'll split up so I can sleep around". He dismissed it the next day and said he was being silly. In vino veritas n'all though...

OP posts:
nomorearsingmermaids · 10/01/2019 10:16

He said something the other day when v drunk too about always cheating on every partner. (Him).

Doesn't particularly sound like a great bet then OP.

ILoveChristmasLights · 10/01/2019 10:26

Have you posted about him before?

I remember your name but I’m not sure why? It might just be because it’s a cool name!

I don’t know what to say really. It doesn’t sound like you’ve had the greatest relationship with him and he doesn’t sound committed, so in a way I think you’re better off out if it. On the other hand you had visions of growing old together, so you must have felt it was good. Though sometimes we are just afraid of moving on, rather than truly wanting what we have.

The comment about splitting up so he have sex with others could easily be one of those comments you make during odd conversations, especially after a drink or two. You don’t actually mean it, it’s just pushing the boundaries for a reaction or an over reaction to something the other person said. So no one can say whether he meant it or not. Only him. And only you have any idea what the truth might be.

To me it’s weird you haven’t wanted to live together by now. Which of you has been holding back?

carrotflinger · 10/01/2019 10:26

End it yourself.
This has no future.
He'll be off at some point if he's making noises about cheating or splitting up so he can sleep around.
So he should go now and sleep around if that's what he wants.
Otherwise you are going to be permanently on edge wondering is he going now or not, is he cheating or not.

It is awful - I split with my partner at the beginning of November.
So my reply to you sounds flippant but I know what heartbreak is like.

Notcoolmum · 10/01/2019 10:52

If he wanted a child with you he wouldn’t be talking about shagging around.

IF the housing was the real issue you could both look to relocate somewhere Cheaper.

It doesn’t sound like the best of relationships from what you have posted. It’s no life waiting for someone to end things. Work out what you want and then talk it through with him.

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 10/01/2019 10:57

I have posted about him before. Years ago. The relationship had a rocky start so I've never felt he's fully into it tbh.

We don't live together because it's suited us this way. My home life is pretty hectic and he likes his space. I was obviously very wary moving someone in when I have children, although all I've ever wanted is a family. I'd love him to move in. But I worry he'd find it too much without somewhere to retreat to.
I'm very messy. He's very ordered.

We get on so well. We love spending time together. I guess I'm not enough for him.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 10/01/2019 10:59

Oh OK he really wants a baby with you - but also maybe to keep the options open for shagging around afterwards Hmm Bonus for him eh? A kid that he only has to deal with eow.

HollowTalk · 10/01/2019 11:05

Just looking at it from his POV, though... In his position I wouldn't want to move into a messy cramped house with someone else's children when I really wanted my own. I'd want to have children with someone who hadn't gone through it before and to start from scratch. Don't you think you're at different stages in your life and incompatible in the way you live?

Aprilshowerswontbelong · 10/01/2019 11:07

Don't write off a future with another dc too quick op. Divorced with dc I met my dh at 42 and had ds at 43. .
You just aren't with the right man yet.
Take control and end it yourself today -

SuperSuperSuper · 10/01/2019 11:12

You don't really sound compatible. I think he'd go nuts living in an overcrowded, untidy house. That would be his excuse to cheat - and you'd be left with the baby. Perhaps you should end it.

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 10/01/2019 11:40

I get it. I do.
It just hurts so bloody much and I can't bear the thought of being in this much pain for the next year or so.

OP posts:
Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 10/01/2019 18:20

So no phone calls again today. He normally calls me twice a day.

Might see if I can get a sedative tomorrow from the GP. I can't deal with months of this.

OP posts:
Onacleardayyoucansee · 10/01/2019 18:43

What do you want?

Going to doctor for a sedative sounds... Like a last resort.
Your children need you.
Dont prioritise him!
Hes not prioritising you.

If hes stepping back, you step back.

If you think of yourself like shit, he will think of you like shit. (vibes)

Maybe his part in your story is over.
Give him the gift of goodbye!

Take control of the situation, this is your life, and your childrens lives.
How would you advise them?

If hes really meant to be with you, he will come back.
If not, you'll know for sure.

Why do you think you can't survive your feelings?

MsPavlichenko · 10/01/2019 18:54

Don't deal with months of it. He is making you feel like shit. The best thing you can do is take control. End it. Or , if you think it is retrievable ( though he sounds like an arsehole) give him a shape up or ship out ultimatum.

Your heart might still be broken but you'll be in control of the situation and feel the better for it. You'll have your self respect rather than sitting about waiting on him. Much better example for your DC too .

oiiiiiii · 10/01/2019 18:58

Really sorry you're going through this op.

Any chance you can take control a bit and just end it properly yourself? So that you can feel a bit less like you're waiting for the axe to fall?

I don't think it's healthy waiting for the other shoe to drop like this x

BatFaced · 10/01/2019 19:03

God all sounds very dramatic and hand wringing with large dollops of you really running yourself down and placing him as some sort of prize

Stop saying meme worthy stuff to him about writing his own narrative (say what?) and just have a conversation with him. You're unhappy, you feel disrespected and sad by his behaviour and - ideally here - you'd like to dump with immediate effect

Concentrate on your family and let this one go ASAP

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 10/01/2019 20:05

I know I don't do break ups well. I've had counselling in the past (where I heard the naritive line btw.) My mental health has been on really shakey ground anyway lately. I know it sounds pathetic. I have had severe depression and anxiety and I don't think I can get much lower.

OP posts:
DangerMouse17 · 10/01/2019 20:16

He isn't the one OP

What I find strange is you talking about how small your property is and how you don't earn enough for a mortgage on a bigger place. If you were proper partners you'd both sell up your properties and buy together, no? Why is it all on you here?

WisdomOfCrowds · 10/01/2019 21:27

Yeh, what I'm hearing here is that he'd like a baby but also likes his own space, needs somewhere to retreat to, and hates mess. Not sure he knows what having a child means TBH. I suspect what he actually wants is to have a baby with someone who will do all the leg work and boring bits while he behaves like he's still single. If you have a child with this man be prepared for him to suddenly develops a passion for an extremely time consuming hobby, call you controlling if you suggest he stay in once in a while to share parenting duties, and eventually decide that "family life isn't for him" and slope off with someone. This will of course be your fault for being too demanding, not shagging him enough, not letting him "have his space" etc. He will then make no effort to see or pay for his child whilst telling anyone who will listen that you are withholding access. This ones not a keeper OP. Through it back.