I'm about to be dumped. Please tell me it'll get better.

[UterusUterusGhali]

I know time's a great healer etc but I just feel so so sad at the moment.

We've been together 6 years or so on and off. Properly together for about 3. Don't live together but very much part of my life.

My children love him. I thought we'd grow old together. I wanted to marry him.

I know it's coming.

Tell me how I'll get over this. I'm in bits.

You can write your own narrative . You don't need to appear in his . You will feel so much better if you take control of this situation. And probably find a far happier future than you'd ever have with him.

I'm one of four kids and we lived in a two bedroom house. It was honestly fine

4 kids in a 2 bedroom house is overcrowded.

Parents in one and 4 kids in the other.

No friends to sleepover..no privacy...no personal space.

Why on earth aren't you taking control yourself? Why are you letting him do this to you?

This relationship doesn’t have the future that either of you want. Rather then wait for the inevitable, make a decision yourself. You need to prioritise your MH, not a relationship that isn’t working for either of you.

I know you're all right. We just got so well.
I honestly think it's the right person wrong time.

He started the "we need to talk" shit last night via text and suggested I drive over to his (at midnight!) Fucking twat.
He's low-key ghosting me so I do his dirty work for him and end it myself. I guess that's why I'm reluctant. Don't wanna give him the satisfaction.

So do the dirty work-but for yourself. What’s the point in getting into imaginary point scoring fights with him?

If you want to break up, do it. Or is it easier to try and make him do it so you don’t feel the feelings it might invoke if you instigate it?

It sounds like it’s getting drawn out for no good reason-take charge here! You have your own house, looking after your children so it sounds like you’re doing good in life anyway. He should be a great addition to your life on top of that surely, and not causing so much angst!

Surely if you had a baby you’d want to live together anyway, but you’ve just mentioned that you’d need to sort a bigger house. Be careful of his romanticising the idea of a baby but leaving you in the lurch when one comes along.

You have 3 kids and he expects you to drive to his so he can dump you? He is not the person you seem to think he is.

What's the point of waiting for him to decide?
This needs to end so you are going to have to rip the plaster off, then block for a good long while
I get it, I do, and it's going to be so hard; when you meet someone later in life and think "I'm not going to be alone! " it's the most awful thing to realise that they are not going to be the one you get old with after all.
But this man doesn't sound kind enough, or compatible enough for you.
So just draw a line under it-YOU be the one-and mean it.
It will hurt, but 1 year from now it won't hurt anymore, your life will move forward, and you will have made space for someone who wants everything you have to offer.

He really sounds like a prick the more you reveal about him.

Just get rid. You'll feel better than you will waiting about for him to do so. And a much better example for your DC.

OP, the longer you hold onto this man, the longer you're putting off finding the right one. If he doesn't like noise and mess now, how do you think he'll contend with having his own baby? It doesn't sound doable. The situation doesn't sound at all practical. Imagine years down the line when he'd be moaning about the mess and the noise and you're worried that he's going to be off shagging someone else so you're tired and unhappy, who do you think will pay the price? You're kids, that's who. Just do what needs to be done. If you do it, you'll feel marginally better in the short term and massively better in the long term. Your life is under your control. Don't leave someone else to steer your ship.

Thanks all. :)

Why am I so angry? I'm fucking furious at him but he can't help how he feels, right? And I can't help my financial situation; my job will never pay well and I can't retrain with no support.

He can help how he behaves. And he's behaving like a selfish entitled prick. He'll be no sort of Dad, his current behaviour is impacting negatively on your DC.

Stop wallowing and do something . You will feel better, and you can start getting on with the rest of your life.

He's a complete fuckwit. Get rid.
Imagine if you did have a baby with him and maybe moved to a bigger property. He doesn't like the noise and mess a baby makes (and you have 3 other children as well). So he just fucks off and leaves you with 4 children and a larger property to pay for.
As you say, your job will never pay well and you can't retrain with no support.
You would be well and truly shafted.

Also if you were really serious about each other you would have sorted the accommodation problem long ago - ie. you would have worked out a way to live together. If you haven't been able to solve this and he has wanted his own space because of noise and mess or whatever his excuse was, then obviously the problem is not solvable.

My ex would start going on about mess and me not hoovering enough when actually he wanted to have an excuse for his unacceptable behaviour - drinking and texting/whatsapping other women.
And believe me, this place is tidy and clean.

He doesn't live with you so no complicated financial issues to sort out and discuss so don't bother contacting him. Why on earth should you drive over to see him at midnight so he can talk? He can go fuck himself.

Take control.

Tell him it’s over. It’s not about not giving him the satisfaction, it’s just becoming toxic. Tell him you are done.

He’s cheated on every partner? Fuck that, that’s plenty.

It's really telling that you'll consider taking prescription strength tranquilizers for an indefinite period of time before you'll consider dumping him.

That's not a healthy or equal partnership.

Christ, Sethis is not really thought about that. I just want to be numb. I've spent so many years of my life heartbroken I just can't face it any more. It's become my normal.

I don't think I'll ever actually find proper love. I have nothing to give to a man. I have "baggage". I'm old and overweight and untidy. Himself is ashamed of me I think. He's never posted a single picture of me online, I don't think his colleagues even know I exist.
I should use this time to try to become desirable I guess.

Jesus woman it gets worse. So what if you have baggage?? Show me a person over 35 with no baggage! Anyway, it's not really baggage its life-it's kids and work and just the natural overspill of living.
You can change being overweight, you can get your hair done, you can eat healthier-these things are not set in stone.
Getting rid of someone who doesn't make you feel good is the best way to instantly feel more attractive though, I promise you.

Feeling desirable... Hmm.
Its an inside job @UterusUterusGhali

I take my hat off to you... Coping with three children on your own, providing for them.
Sounds like you are doing amazingly in the circumstances.

There are many quality responses on this thread.. With not a single poster suggesting you should give him a single second more of your time!

Stop concentrating on him, you have enough to do!

Write a list of your priorities, get them straight.
Stop prioritising him, what hes doing, thinking, behaving..

New year, new start, get free to do whatever you want.
Put everything into yourself.

Obviously I don't know you and I don't know your life story, but I have also recently been dumped, days ago. I'm also questioning what I have to offer to anyone, or whether I'm missing some kind of internal spark or piece of humanity. Every person I've had a relationship with has said "You're a really lovely guy, you don't deserve this, you're the best person I've ever met, you're kind and generous, and thoughtful and loving..." and yet somehow it isn't enough. I do everything that I see women on here wanting in their partners - I do the housework, I'm affectionate, I don't pester for sex, I praise them and make them tea and blah blah blah everything else I can think of to demonstrate my love for someone, and yet.... nothing.

I'm starting to feel like I'm just missing something intangible that makes a spark with another person. I don't know.

However I do know that having a partner is an optional extra - not a reason for existence. If I spend the rest of my life doing what I want to do, and learning new things, and having fun, and visiting new places, then that is a life that was worth living, and Hollywood can fuck RIGHT off if it tries to tell me otherwise. Do I want love? Yes. Do I want a good relationship? Yes. But am I a failure/unlovable/doomed if I don't have those? Fuck no. I am Sethis. And I am a person. I have a life. I have the right to happiness however I can find it.

You can't do anything about old.
You can do something about mental baggage.
You can do something about your weight.
You can do something about being untidy.

Now I'm not perfect. I'm a little flabbier than I'd like, because where I live at the moment there's no facilities for me to lose weight. But after being dumped, I've gotten a haircut and I'm going to make sure I dress as sharply as I can on a day to day basis. Partly to try to attract another woman, but also partly because it's important to my sense of self. I'm lucky not to have too much mental baggage, and I don't do pep talks, but the guiding principle of my thoughts on this is "Baggage only weighs you down so long as you choose to carry it." That may or may not be helpful to you right now. In any case, I do hope you can move forward and keep in mind that you do, in fact, have inherent value.

"Feeling desirable; It's an inside job"
That's good! I wanna see that shit on a t-shirt or mug.

Sethis, you made me cry! :)
I did get my hair cut yesterday and put on makeup today for the first time in a while as I've had a stye. I feel better even if it's only the postie that's seen me.

Oh I really feel for you. This bit is the worst bit. The uncertainty is horrible. Once it’s all ended for sure it will be unpleasant but you will know where you stand and can start to heal.

Someone some day will love you FOR your children not despite them. You have raised these humans all by yourself you brilliant woman. That is something to be admired.