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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm right, aren't I, vipers?

37 replies

akaWisey · 09/01/2019 21:47

What am I to make of my (twatty, lying, callous, cheating, thieving, manipulative) exH who, after 7 years no contact (at my instigation) pitches up to see our DD who is urgently admitted to hospital with suspected bacterial meningitis; and after failing to engage me in any kind of conversation beckons me outside her room to tell me he's being "investigated for cancer".

OW ended the relationship earlier this year; DD's impression was that OW was disappointed in exH and it had been on the cards for years. DD wasn't OW's biggest fan and nor is her DF but he is, after all, her DF and she felt a bit sorry for him at the time; said he's been doing some 'reflecting'.

I've long had this feeling that at some point he'd turn up with a sob story and the only way he could do that would be if we had to be at the same place at the same time - for our DD. Cue hospital bed scene with me giving one word answers to his banal questions. The sob story I had in mind was he'd tell me he has cancer, believe it or not.

Because I was so traumatised by the unravelling of our long marriage and of the things which came to light I had to protect myself from further hurt for a long time because I still loved him for a long time (I didn't like him, but I still loved him). So I'd rehearsed my response to the sob story, not because I'm heartless but to protect myself from getting sucked back in.

So I said "I'm sorry to hear that". And I turned away back to be with my DD. He's going to tell her after she comes out of hospital, he said.
My thoughts

Surely he didn't need to tell me at all because DD would tell me if she knew and she will come to me if she needs to.
Surely he saw an opportunity to test the waters.

Cancer or not, he's a liar, a real live habitual liar and his modus operandi when caught out was ALWAYS to invent some health issue.

There are times when I'm very sad about what happened to us. And there are times when I'm still very angry. But I stopped being a chump a long time ago.
I'm right, aren't I? He's still a twat and I'm not a chump any more.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/01/2019 21:49

Yep he's a twat couldn't let DD be the focus even when seriously ill in hospital.

Glad you're not a chump anymore!

MrsMaisel · 09/01/2019 21:52

Yes he's a twat. There are some pathetic people who will make up cancer - and use it to manipulate family, friends, strangers donating money... He left you. Now leave him with his cancer 'diagnosis'. I wouldn't buy it for a second. He deserves extra points too for brining this up when your daughter was in hospital. All about him isn't it.

FetchezLaVache · 09/01/2019 21:54

I'm absolutely certain you're right, based on what you've written here!

It's fascinating that you have such insight into his character that you predicted this scene with such accuracy (your rehearsed response to which was, may I say, perfect)! He probably thought it would completely blindside you. I'm so glad it didn't.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/01/2019 22:07

I agree, perfect reply.

One day he may be really ill but no-one will believe him because he's cried wolf so often. Tough.

TheSassyAssassin · 09/01/2019 22:08

You are 100% right! My exP used me as a captive audience during the time DD was in the operating theatre to bemoan his lot and how he wasn't coping and was experiencing stress and anxiety. This miraculously disappears every time DD gets a new "aunt" Hmm They just love to make it all about them! Stay firm Wisey and take none of his crap Flowers

PickAChew · 09/01/2019 22:11

Oh, a twat at a loose end. Sadly for him, you know him too well.

Original poster
akaWisey · 09/01/2019 22:20
Grin It's a rather lovely feeling, to really know what I know.
OP posts:
SuperSuperSuper · 09/01/2019 22:28

What an appalling bloke he is!

Hope your DD feels better. Flowers

SandyY2K · 09/01/2019 23:54

Note how he's being 'investigated'. No confirmation...but he feels the need to tell you.

Idiot he is.

Guiltypleasures001 · 10/01/2019 00:10

I hope your dd makes a speedy recovery op

I'm not sure I could have shown your restraint, he's obviously from the same sub species my ex is from Thanks

Original poster
akaWisey · 10/01/2019 17:21

I was going to start another thread entitled "is it normal to sometimes wish someone were dead" because that's how I feel now.
He has managed to manouvre himself into being there for the ultrasound she's having (probably right now) before they plan to discharge her if it's clear and her bloods are clear. He's also taking her home.
Instead of going over to the hospital with her clean clothes I've come home. Understandably she just wants to go home and doesn't much care who takes her so I couldn't really make a case for being there.
She won't remember what they say about what the diagnosis was (if any) - he will. He'll be the consumate professional super dad. I hate him.
I've bought wine for the first time in over 5 years. This isn't good.

OP posts:
Original poster
akaWisey · 10/01/2019 17:26

Her home isn't my home by the way, she's not going to see me having a momentary lapse of composure, I'd never do that.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/01/2019 17:28
Thanks

But she knows you are the one that is always there for her Wine

NotTheFordType · 10/01/2019 17:37

It's totally normal to wish someone dead, especially when that person has hurt someone that we love.

Are you worried about your sobriety OP? Please reach out to a friend if this is something you're concerned about. Your DD's health is paramount but yours is important too - because when your ex drops DD like a sack of potatoes, you'll need to be there for her.

TheSassyAssassin · 10/01/2019 17:41

I'd have just one glass until you know for definite you won't be needed by your DD, either at the hospital or back at her home. My ex has done similar things. The odd fleeting image of him under a bus cheers me up no end, so don't worry, it's perfectly normal Grin Hope everything goes well for your DD!

Original poster
akaWisey · 10/01/2019 17:54

I drank (alot) in the last 3 or so years of the marriage after the first affair came to light and he refused to break contact with her, but refused to acknowledge it was an affair; I always roll my eyes when someone on MN starts a thread about limerance; its what he said the affair was, not a 'real' thing at all Wisey, you're making it all out to be something it isn't and I won't be told who I can and can't fall in love with'.

The second affair started and continued whilst the first one was ongoing and I drank from when he left for the OW, until I stopped on New Years Eve 5 years ago. I managed to drink and hold my job down, confining it to weekends and social occasions.
I'm worried that the only way I can feel safe is when he is as close to dead as anyone can be, and that's total no contact. We have been apart for 8 years.

OP posts:
TheSassyAssassin · 10/01/2019 18:02

Hmm...in that case take wine over to a friend or leave it on neighbour's doorstep as a HNY ....and put the kettle on. Do NOT let him have any more control over you, or destroy you any further. That way he wins. Bugger that Wisey! He does NOT get to win...ok?!

Keeptrudging · 10/01/2019 18:16

Now's not the time to take a drink if you haven't for 5 years. He's not worth it, and your daughter needs you. He's just thriving on the drama, what a dick. Wishing you strength Flowers.

Original poster
akaWisey · 10/01/2019 18:32

he's just thriving on the drama

If you only knew how closely that describes him; not that long ago I went to a conference and in the loos I got chatting (as you do) to a woman who was there as a student/trainee, quite giddy because she was being taught by.............yeah, ex MrWisey! I didn't identify myself.

I've had wine but I won't have any more. TBH I bought two of those little bottles which cost a fuckton of money to get pissed on and I had a little leftover from some cooking I've done. To me, its a major issue to buy alcohol but in the grand scheme maybe understandable, I don't know.
I guess not needing this kind of help for so long feels like failing after I had so much from so many on MN in the early days (and over that awful year actually).

OP posts:
TheSassyAssassin · 10/01/2019 18:54

Not failing. Having a hard time right now yes, but not failing. Ditch the wine. Have cup of tea. Eat chocolate. Put good music on. Don't let him pull you back down again. You can't change the past. Yes you're having an understandable wobble but you've clearly turned things around these past 8 years. Hold onto that. You aren't failing!

NotTheFordType · 10/01/2019 18:56

I've had wine but I won't have any more. TBH I bought two of those little bottles which cost a fuckton of money to get pissed on

It sounds like your subconcious (or conscious!) has minimised your relapse which is great and means you are in control.

I am still struggling to get control of my relapses but that's a story for another day.

What is your plan for tomorrow and the weekend?

Original poster
akaWisey · 10/01/2019 19:09

My plan is to be at work tomorrow.
I have tons to do on Saturday including going out Saturday evening which I don't normally do. It's a restaurant birthday thing.
Sunday I have a first date at lunchtime.
I have to fit in cleaning the house, shopping (none of which I've done in a week since DD became ill), and seeing DD if she wants to. I need to go to the gym or have a walk as all that's taken a backseat.
I'm not failing. I was not to blame. I am a good mum.

OP posts:
Keeptrudging · 10/01/2019 19:10

It's not failing, it's knowing yourself well enough to know that you need to talk to people just now, not try to bottle it all up. That's a strength, not a weakness.

Original poster
akaWisey · 10/01/2019 19:16

Thank you.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 10/01/2019 21:44

Wasn't it the ex Mr Wisey who celebrated his midlife crisis by buying some unfortunate trousers? Or am I mixing him up with another dickhead?