I'm right, aren't I, vipers?

[akaWisey]

What am I to make of my (twatty, lying, callous, cheating, thieving, manipulative) exH who, after 7 years no contact (at my instigation) pitches up to see our DD who is urgently admitted to hospital with suspected bacterial meningitis; and after failing to engage me in any kind of conversation beckons me outside her room to tell me he's being "investigated for cancer".

OW ended the relationship earlier this year; DD's impression was that OW was disappointed in exH and it had been on the cards for years. DD wasn't OW's biggest fan and nor is her DF but he is, after all, her DF and she felt a bit sorry for him at the time; said he's been doing some 'reflecting'.

I've long had this feeling that at some point he'd turn up with a sob story and the only way he could do that would be if we had to be at the same place at the same time - for our DD. Cue hospital bed scene with me giving one word answers to his banal questions. The sob story I had in mind was he'd tell me he has cancer, believe it or not.

Because I was so traumatised by the unravelling of our long marriage and of the things which came to light I had to protect myself from further hurt for a long time because I still loved him for a long time (I didn't like him, but I still loved him). So I'd rehearsed my response to the sob story, not because I'm heartless but to protect myself from getting sucked back in.

So I said "I'm sorry to hear that". And I turned away back to be with my DD. He's going to tell her after she comes out of hospital, he said.
My thoughts

Surely he didn't need to tell me at all because DD would tell me if she knew and she will come to me if she needs to.
Surely he saw an opportunity to test the waters.

Cancer or not, he's a liar, a real live habitual liar and his modus operandi when caught out was ALWAYS to invent some health issue.

There are times when I'm very sad about what happened to us. And there are times when I'm still very angry. But I stopped being a chump a long time ago.
I'm right, aren't I? He's still a twat and I'm not a chump any more.

He'll be the consumate professional super dad
I know what you mean. My ex (teacher/manager) took over every situation, hogging the centre of attention and leaving me standing mutely to one side while he was all matey with the teacher/doctor/lawyer - who could hardly get a word in either.

Stop imagining what he's doing. Imagine the next thing you'll be doing with your daughter - when will she hopefully be back? Concentrate on organising that and see the time between then and now as a vague "being with 'him'" and no more. Can you phone the doctor and get some sort of written report?

Sorry to hear your DD isn't well - if you've got questions about the disease Meningitis Now are pretty good. I had meningitis & they always seem to help those who have questions or need support.

I'm bumping this.
DD had septicaemia but not Meningitis and she is out of hospital but not allowed back to work. We don't know how she got it. She is still weak but feeling better and we are all really relieved she's going to be ok.

Her father does actually have cancer and she phoned me tonight from the hospital where he's had surgery today to remove the tumour from his tonsil area. He will need chemotherapy. He told her last night, over dinner of all things. She told me because she wants me to support her, she's shaken up as you'd expect.

So am I. He is in a local hospital because he's still registered with our family GP, having never changed surgery despite now living two counties away.
Part of me wants to send him a message of support, part of me thinks it's a bad idea. The last conversation I had with him I had to tell him to stop talking at me in the way he used to.

My poor DD, she's really been through alot and, lets face it, I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone.

Your poor DD

I would keep your distance and just support your DD.

I would keep it civil and distant - the moment you show any weakness he will dive straight in. Of course nobody wishes him ill, but it’s not your job to support him anymore. Imagine it the other way round - how would he be reacting to you if you were ill?

Just continue to support your DD and her feelings around this, as it will be hard for her, but you don’t need to also be worrying about him. He lost that privilege a long time ago.

Ohhhh OP - what an update!
I'm so sorry for your DD.
But yes, you just need to be there to support her.
Be the good mum you are but you owe your ExH nothing.
Does he have any other family?
Do they know?

Thanks for responding.

You're right about keeping my distance. DD phoned me today in a bit of a state, it's hit her that her DF and me aren't immortal.
I don't know if his surviving family know but tbh he never had a great relationship with his sibs so I'm not sure they'd even make the journey to see him.
He is recovering here in our home town, DD says, and i guess that's because he and the OW aren't together but also because his chemo will take place here. I didn't like to ask DD too much about who else he's got but it was her who took him to hospital and picked him up after the surgery.

I didn't sleep very well last night. But I'm managing to stay sensible and I won't get in touch as this changes nothing really and cancer can happen to anyone at any time.

Ex told me in passing that he had been molested as a child. Knowing him the way I do, it was to illicit sympathy from the mediator. I was honest and said I was very sorry for his younger self, the selfish arsewipe he grew into however, not so much. It was that moment when I realised how far I’d come. I didn’t hate him (despite the shit he put me and DD through), i just didn’t care.

I have always been clear with DD, he is her father and she is entitled to love him the way she loves him. However, my relationship with him is very different because the dynamic and history is different. I won’t make demands about her relationship with him and I expect the same curtesy.

DD is not yet a teen but supporting her in accepting her father for who he is, hopefully will stand her in good stead.

I wanted to update this thread because I don't know what to do with what I feel.

I saw DD's dad some weeks ago now; he was bluelighted into hospital with an infection and DD was beside herself trying to get his shack waterproofed and heated and clean for him. I went to see him to ask him to agree not to rely on DD for everything as she was still recovering from Septaecemia and had to have further CT scans because they suspected her slow recovery might be due to 'something more serious'. (the scan came back clear but it was so frightening waiting to hear).

Seeing him was not easy and that's a whole other thing but his version to DD ("your mum and me have reconciled") was a lie very different to mine .

Whilst I was with him he told me they also found lung cancer.exH was a very heavy smoker since very young. I'd begged him over the years to stop or cut down. He said he'd told DD about the lung cancer already and I wondered why she hadn't said anything to me. He said it was not related to the tonsil cancer so that was all good; they were zapping the lung tumour with the same lot of chemoradation for the tonsil cancer and that would do the job. I just started talking about 'the lung cancer' in my next conversation with DD - she didn't know, he hadn't told her, he let me do that particular piece of work for him.

Weeks on, and the chemoradiation is all done and he's still in recovery. Has the scan next week to see how it's gone. He took DD on holiday to Greece about 3 weeks ago. She hasn't been right since.

Today she finally tells me she caught him smoking on holiday. And even though she caught him red handed he tried to tell her he wasn't really smoking, "oh ok then, I am and I'll stop immediately". Last week he took my eldest DS (his SDS) for a holiday, and my son has told her that yep, her DF was smoking then, too, but pretending he wasn't .

My DD is all over the place. I'm beyond angry. This is how he used to fuck with my head and now he's fucking with hers. Understandably she thinks maybe all the holidays and the doing bucket list type things is because he knows he's dying. She also thinks he "was a shit husband and now he's a fucking selfish liar".

I hate him. I just hate him. I hate that I ever believed a single word that ever tripped off his tongue and I hate that my poor DD is facing such uncertainty and instability from him.

Are you really sure he had two different cancers at the same time cancer?

Yes, absolutely positive, but don't think I didn't google the shit out of what he said because, well, you know, he is a liar and all. But it is possible to have two primary cancers that are unrelated, seemingly.
But yes, DD met his Oncologist to discuss treatment options and after care.

Oh Wisey - I remember you from way back when. I'm so sorry to hear about your dd's illness and the manipulation she's being put through. How bloody ironic that her father was dumped by his OW just at the point he needed support. Do you think OW left because she knew about his illness? Karma, no?

However you feel about dd's father, it's a really shitty situation for everyone. It sounds like you are being the best support you can be for her. Keep looking after yourself too.