Struggling with DH

[Dunin]

We’ve been married a long time, have 3 young kids and are having counselling. He’s increasingly becoming distant and dismissive. It feels like he’s being cold. It’s really hard to explain but I feel uncomfortable in my gut. It feels like I’m being shut out. He laughs and jokes with the kids but then is curt/slightly rude/dismissive towards me. Even if we are all doing activities together. He’s never including me or addressing me in the “laugh” or “joke” unless it’s in a negative/critical way. So he’s buddy buddy with the kids but I’m being silently/passively excluded even when I’m trying to engage and join in. Does anyone get this or understand in any way? I’m constantly trying to work out if I’m being over sensitive or paranoid about this. He gives me weird looks too. Like contempt? There’s no warmth. We’ve had many many arguments which has led to the joint counselling but I now feel like he’s trying to (maybe not deliberately?) isolate me or exclude me in my own house. There’s sly little digs which include the kids like “isn’t mummy mean” then laughs which the kids then join in with because they think/assume he’s joking and anybody else would think he’s joking if they didn’t “know” us. Does any of this make any sense?
It feels like he doesn’t actually like me and it feels like hard work and constant eggshells. Does anyone have any idea what this sort of behaviour means? Am I being too over sensitive here? Is this a natural part of the ups and downs of a long marriage? I don’t know. I guess I just feel lonely in my marriage right now. Any handholds would be nice :(

The person (and I can't be bothered to go back and look at the name) who said this kind of behaviour isn't abuse, would do well to actually do a little reading on domestic abuse before spurting such ignorant views. Yes, i agree.on MN people CAN be quick to say 'abuse' or 'LTB' but in this case when the behaviour is more subtle and the victim is struggling to work it out themselves that sort of generalised observation isn't helpful. It's emotional abuse, end of.

I recognize this type of behavior, because I have done it myself recently. Largely ignoring dh but being normal and happy with the DC. Though not to the extent of fat comments or similar. It's not gaslighting, abuse or bullying. It's a need to distance myself but not being able to do that physically. And I need that distance because something has triggered the emotions which are all connected to the affair I found out about last year. He might not even be doing it that deliberately strange as it sounds. I do it because it's an alternative to ranting at him about his shitty behaviour, and at that moment in time I really cannot face being pleasant to him, given what he did. I think the only way youll get to the bottom of it is to bring it up in counselling and hope he is able to discuss it. He obviously has some problem relating to you emotionally, for whatever reason.

I recognise this behaviour too, it sounds like 'Stonewalling':

www.gottman.com/blog/category/column/the-four-horsemen/

This could have been me 6 years ago. My ex did this to me all the time before accusing me of having an affair. I think he only did that so he could finally leave without being the bad guy. He systematically gaslighted and emotionally abused me for years. I will never regret leaving him. I have brought my children up mainly alone but despite the hurt and the difficulties, they are more loved, more secure and have a better example of how to live a good life now than they ever would have done had we stayed with him.

Hi OP

I’m really sorry you are going through this. My ex also did this to me and it was a horrible experience - so we’d be driving along day and he’d see someone in pyjamas and say ‘oh look there is someone who is even lazier than Mummy’. In his case he was having an affair ( not saying it’s the case for you). I think - as with the previous poster - he wanted to push me to the point where I ended it and he didn’t look like the bad guy. It also has the effect of him being able to imply you are overreacting or ‘crazy’ when you do react. It’s insidious because I know with me a part of me started believing him - thinking that maybe he was right, I was lazy/fat/over sensitive etc etc.

In the end I did call my ex out on it - he tried to push me to throw him out so he didn’t look like the ‘bad’ guy. We did ( and are) separated.

It’s funny because at the moment he is making a bit of a play to be very nice to me again ( I’m suspecting grass is not as green with OW as he thought). However I always remind myself of how - by the end - he viewed me with contempt and without respect.

I won’t lie that I have found being a single parent very difficult and hard and wouldn’t say I am yet ‘happy’. Part of that is because I still think I carry a bit of ‘what he said was true’ with me and find it hard to keep boundaries when he implies I’m being unreasonable.

However it still isn’t as difficult and soul destroying as being in a house with someone who basically didn’t like me. Like others have said your safe place being taken away and the person who should be your biggest supporter undermining you.

I hope you manage to resolve this is the best way for you and can get to a better place.

*SuziQ10
Yes , exactly.How are things now.
(Sorry to sidetrack)