Struggling with DH

[Dunin]

We’ve been married a long time, have 3 young kids and are having counselling. He’s increasingly becoming distant and dismissive. It feels like he’s being cold. It’s really hard to explain but I feel uncomfortable in my gut. It feels like I’m being shut out. He laughs and jokes with the kids but then is curt/slightly rude/dismissive towards me. Even if we are all doing activities together. He’s never including me or addressing me in the “laugh” or “joke” unless it’s in a negative/critical way. So he’s buddy buddy with the kids but I’m being silently/passively excluded even when I’m trying to engage and join in. Does anyone get this or understand in any way? I’m constantly trying to work out if I’m being over sensitive or paranoid about this. He gives me weird looks too. Like contempt? There’s no warmth. We’ve had many many arguments which has led to the joint counselling but I now feel like he’s trying to (maybe not deliberately?) isolate me or exclude me in my own house. There’s sly little digs which include the kids like “isn’t mummy mean” then laughs which the kids then join in with because they think/assume he’s joking and anybody else would think he’s joking if they didn’t “know” us. Does any of this make any sense?
It feels like he doesn’t actually like me and it feels like hard work and constant eggshells. Does anyone have any idea what this sort of behaviour means? Am I being too over sensitive here? Is this a natural part of the ups and downs of a long marriage? I don’t know. I guess I just feel lonely in my marriage right now. Any handholds would be nice :(

What he's doing is very cruel and unkind. Your home should feel like a safe happy place and it's not. I have no advice but unknown I could not live the rest of my life like that!

He’s so inadequate as an adult he’s probably jealous of your kind nature and ability to be nice, he sounds like a damaged teenager trying to hurt a parent, you’re his punch bag and he feels better about himself when he’s put you down, how nasty is that?

And/or he wants out and is resenting having to stay with you, coward.

Get rid of him is all I can say!

I do understand this. My husband goes through phases like this. He never says horrid things - and I would give him a serious bollocking if he did - but he gets cold and distant and dismissive. Initially when this happened 3 years ago, it transpired that he had been having an emotional affair. I had counselling myself to work out my own responses to him and how our arguments always followed the same sort of pattern, how to break that, AND to work out what had come from me that contributed to him seeking emotional support elsewhere. The affair was a result of difficulties we were having rather than being why we were having difficulties. Make sense? Anyway I discovered the affair, he stopped and now when he gets like that, it's a result of his own temporary depression. I find the key thing is to keep thinking to myself "it's not me, it's him" because the more insecure and anxious you get, the more needy you behave and the more irritated they get. Do you work? You need to get your sense of self worth from somewhere that's not him.

Thanks for all your replies. I’m reading and nodding along. They hit home. First step is counselling for me. I feel frozen and need help.

And getting the feeling of self esteem from the children isn't enough. You need your own thing.

But Why stay with a person that has such little respect and happily has affairs when he feels the need, it’s like you don’t matter and how on earth do you keep your self worth up? Your partner should enhance your worth and have your back with loyalty, you shouldn’t have to put up and manage a man that’s half in and half out, they’re not gods gift to humanity, there’s plenty men out there who can and would love unconditionally.

Try not to irritate? Jesus that’s such a sad read.

It's definitely abuse. He's taking advantage. Confront him with himself when the children aren't there: tell him he seems unhappy as what other explanation is there for his appalling behaviour which you will no longer accept. Then suggest you plan a date for a split.

I get what you’re saying Adora10 but are there really men like that out there. I don’t know. Maybe it’s better the devil you know? I know so many people in unhappy marriages. The men are up to all sorts. It’s sad and I don’t know, I think I’ve lost hope and faith. Don’t think I know or love myself anymore to be honest let alone finding somebody who would truly love me unconditionally. I think unconditional love is a myth :(

Well I have it OP and we’re in our 18th year, I’ve had previous shit relationships so I’m never letting go of this one!

Is it so difficult for a man to be kind and respectful I don’t think so, but I do think some men get bored and push boundaries and if they get away with it then it continues it escalates, I’m afraid it’s up to you to put a stop to it and you sound lovely and are a hundred times worth more than him 🌸

Dunin

Abuse does not solely have to be physical in nature and abuse is rooted in power and control. Do not be yet anther person stuck in both an unhappy and also abusive marriage here.

What you describe from him is emotional abuse towards you. He is also harming his children here emotionally by being all over the top lovely dovey with them whilst showing you no affection whatsoever. This will further cause them confusion and anxiety.

And no, it is not the better the devil you know. Presumably this man too is all sweetness and light to those in the outside world. You and in turn your kids, who will pick up on all the vibes over time if they are not already doing so, know differently. Time to give this man his permanent marching orders, you would be better off apart from him.

I think it's gaslighting, which is abuse

TotalturmoilThat is exactly what I am going through at the moment.
OPWhile you say that you say no way could he be having an affair, are you think ing a physical one? He could be having an OL ,etc.emotional one.This would explain his unkindness to you as he is cut off from feeling any obligation to be lovong towards. Being nice to the kids us easy and probably makes him feel that he is not such a bad guy.
No matter what the explanation is for his behaviour is, you don't deserve and shouldn't have to put up with it.

I treated my partner this way for sometime after I learned of his emotional affair, after checking through his phone.

I had to distance myself from him as self-protection. I didn't know if we were staying together (hadn't made my mind up at that point) and I couldn't allow myself to be loving and giving around him if I was about to kick him out. I was no longer 'in love' with him and looking for a way out half the time.

........ it took me about a year to learn to live with him in an amicable, loving way again. And another year after that before I actually forgave him.

Don't know if this could have any links with what your DH is going through?

** and looking back this was exactly how he treated ME during his emotional affair (which took place and ended some time before I found out)

Definitely gas lighting. Nasty. You deserve better

Nasty nasty emotional abuse. He chooses to do it. It's a choice. Your husband is CHOOSING to make his wife, the one person in the world he should support more than any other, deliberately feel like shit. He belittles you repeatedly and has done it so cleverly, so subtley that he's managed to leave you not even sure if it's a problem or not.

It is. He's abusing you and being a terrible role model for the children. You're trying to work out a passive response. Fuck that. Next time he does it you take him away from the children and you go up to his face and you say in NO uncertain terms ' if you EVER speak to me like that again we are over.' You need to mean it because he respects you SO little that he will laugh at your threat, thus belittling you again immediately.

Can you guess I've been there. Or, save the next 5 or 10 unhappy years and go solo now. And, yes, wonderful men are out there. I'm 8 years in to a fabulous relationship with an amazing man who is my best friend amd biggest supporter.

Have you brought up the way he speaks to you, with the counsellor?

FFIW that behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and also abusive. Please find a way to either split up or address the issue.

Hi again, I would have said something like those comments are hurting me, in this house we show love, support and encouragement to each other because when someone says things like that someone can feel sad. He is being a dick.

It seems he enjoys grinding you down. Don't let him! you should be in an equal partnership. Time to stand up to his bullying. His lack of interest in you indicates he's not seeing you as a person in your own right.

I think unconditional love is a myth

Unconditional love is what parents feel for children; a marriage won’t be based on that. What it should be based on, however, is love, respect and affection. It doesn’t sound to me like that’s what you’re getting....and you deserve to.

I saw a (particularly horrible, actually - it was a Valentine thing 😂) mug in a shop yesterday which was emblazoned with the term “Flawsome” and a faux dictionary definition, which explained that it meant accepting someone isn’t perfect but loving them while accepting that. And that’s what a successful marriage is based on (I think). Someone who knows you’re not perfect, can (kindly) tease you.....but who has your back.

Don’t doubt yourself. What you’re describing isn’t this....it’s far more like Adora describes a teenager lashing out at a parent. You don’t deserve that.

I don’t know how to tag people but just wanted to check in and see how you are Dunin? Xx

How long has this been going on for? It's a miserable way to live your life, and confusing (and damaging) for your children too.

He doesn't care about your feelings. I once asked DH, why is your default to criticise me or make negative comments about me. This was mainly done when with the extended family.

Its like he felt the need to say something if one of them was having a moan or saying a pet hate about their OH.

I don't think he realised it... he stopped doing it after that.

If you're still having MC raise the issue there.
A joke is only a joke when everyone finds it funny.

His behaviour is similar to bullying by isolation.

A few suggestions...

Do some activities with just you and the kids. Talk to them generally about kindness to others...not hurting feelings or making hurtful jokes about others at school. Generally about being a nice friend.

I was bullied at a point in school, so as early as possible I spoke to my DC about kindness and never being nasty to people, even if they didn't like them.

Invest in time for yourself to do your own thing. It could include time at the gym, regular beauty treatments, a new hobby or interest.

Do things that make you feel good and ignore him.

Is it abuse though? Really?

On this site everything is abuse... E V E R Y T H I N G.

It's the most overused word here and fall back term for any form of treatment that isn't acceptable.

Abuse in a relationship is serious and unacceptable, I think the overuse of the word for every instance makes the word lose all meaning.

I'm sorry for what you're going through OP but had to state that since you also seemed to think it wasn't an appropriate term for what's going on. Usually within 2-3 posts where someone is seeking help someone else labels abuse no matter what the thread is about. Another forum I follow does the same with the term "bullying".

He doesn't love or, even, like you.
Staying with him is making you miserable.
Do you really want to spend the next five-ten years with him?
Don't-it'll be a waste of your life.