FIL excludes me from family events

[Suzysuzuki]

FIL = DP's dad. For context we are not married, have been together 5 years and have a baby. DP has a son, I have other children.

FIL is an awful person. Both MIL, SIL and DP allow his behaviour in order to keep the peace and not make home life unbearable for MIL. He has to be always right, everything on his terms, constantly putting everyone down around him. I have never heard him say anything nice. To others outside of the family he is pleasant and people talk of him affectionately. I have known him for over 20 years and was an outsider for many of these.
I've tried with him and the rest of the family. I've bought gifts from the baby to him, didn't get a thank you either time. MIL constantly talks of leaving but then he "changes" for a while before lapsing. SIL excuses his behaviour as that's just the way he is. When there are family get togethers she cries out of happiness if he doesn't kick off as he's "behaved himself". DP has major issues and is on SSRIs. He has been through many types of therapy and has been diagnosed with a form of PTSD. He knows this stems from his childhood but cannot address it directly with FIL. SIL is also on medication and has had therapy, her issues apparently also stem from childhood. But no one will say anything so as not to make life hard at home for MIL.
I get/got on well with MIL, SIL too. They have both said it is good that I am a strong person as DP needs that in his life (he also has anger issues and displays traits like FIL but I will not stand for them and he knows the last time he kicked off was the last time I ever want to see that behaviour from him).
Anyway, to bring you up to speed:
Over the Christmas period I challenged FIL as he was undermining me as a parent to one of my other children in my home. They left shortly after and the next day DP and I were due to go to theirs for dinner. At the table MIL mentioned something to do with current news and I expanded on the subject. FIL made a comment along the lines of me being a know-it-all. MIL and DP both stared at their plates. I refused to engage and avoided him for the rest of the visit.
Cut to later in the week and DP is at PIL and MIL is on the phone to SIL and asks if DSS can be collected from his mum to go to SIL for a family get together. DP asks what about his invite and MIL leaves room and carries on phone call, later returning saying ok. In the meantime I am slowly starting to feel anxious and think I have PND that has been building slowly. I couldn't be in the same space as FIL so DP said I was unwell and I stayed home with the baby (for feeding). Cut to last weekend and DP was going to go to PIL unannounced and phoned ahead. MIL said that they would see him and DSS that evening for DNiece birthday. No mention of me or my children. DP reports the next day that something was said at the table but didn't hear exactly what.
I have just had surgery and I haven't heard a thing from PIL or SIL to ask how I am. As it is cancer related I posted on social media (I am an advocate for a charity related to it, it wasn't a pity post). They haven't even acknowledged it. Last night SIL posted a picture of the celebration, tags DP, MIL comments what a lovely night.
So, thank you for getting this far. DP knows it's because I won't tolerate FIL behaviour and I have told him I will not expose baby to toxicity. MIL always comes to me to see baby as FIL "isn't interested until they're older". I have to pretty much beg SIL to come and see baby and she always has a busy excuse.
So, DP has said he will not stand for FIL behaviour toward me and will be saying something to MIL and SIL. I have told him I will not come between his relationship with FIL if he wants one. He is adamant that if he was put in a position of choosing he would choose me and baby.
Throughout this I have always said how the way FIL is also those around him's fault, as his behaviour has been allowed to go unchallenged. DP largely agrees.
I was talking tonight with DP and asked if he had asked why I wasn't invited and he basically said you can't blame MIL or SIL. Now I'm wondering if he'll just brush this away. I've said I won't attend anymore events, he's supportive of this. But will his actions back it up?
If you're still with me, any thought? Has anyone else been in the same situation? And if you're not with me it still felt good to get it all down!

Wow. FIL sounds like a toxic bully. He has clearly manipulated and bullied his family for years and to some extent they have normalised this behaviour. You DH needs to stand up for you and it sounds like he wants to but he needs to be a bit more proactive about that.

If you spell out to your DH what you expect, that may help him to fully appreciate your perspective, which will be different from his as although aware, he will still have normalised it.

He then needs to plan ahead and think what he would do in advance, so as not to get surprised into his usual default reaction which most likely contains an element of appeasement.

... which is s long way of saying he needs to stand up to him on your behalf. That may involve taking some heat from his mother and sister.

for you.
Great sympathy, I'm so sorry you have to put up with this bully - not sure I would put up with him but as I'm not in that situation, I don't know.

It won't be forever x.
x plenty

Oh they all need to fuck off OP. Seriously, you sound like a great person. They are all awful. Either plain toxic (FIL) or enablers (MIL & SIL). Enjoy your own family and strive to be different.

So dp and ds will be invited to events and you and your family won't be?
When your child is old enough to ask why, what will he be told?
I wouldn't want my ch involved in that, dp could go if he wanted but none of my children.

Stand your ground OP. You don’t deserve to be treated in that manner. Focus on your own family (you, DP and children) and your in laws can go take a hike

Thanks for the replies.
@woolduvet my eldest did ask why we weren't invited, she goes to school with DNiece and we have had her for sleepovers.
I can guarantee that he has made SIL choose between him and me/us.
I was talking about it with DP tonight and FIL did this with DP's exwife (no children from that marriage).

You're all right in that they enable the behaviour. I've read out pieces to DP on the subject and he identifies with the issues described. But he loves his mum. I'm itching to ask why she chose FIL over her own children when they were young - it's such an alien concept to me to not protect them. But at the same time it won't change the past so it'll remain unasked. Both DP and SIL have esteem issues, I'm very aware of the language I use with DP in order to build him up. In essence I am trying to show him he is worth something but it's hard, he is unable to show me praise or appreciation as he has never had it shown to him.
We did decide no more instigating visits for MIL or SIL to see the baby, they know where we are. DP has also agreed that only those actively in baby's life with be invited to the first birthday celebrations.

What about when do and dc are invited over and you aren't.
Don't let them exclude you

@woolduvet The problem I would have there is that I will bite the next time. I will not have my children see me be treated in an inferior way and I'm not sure how it would pan out with MIL and SIL. I've taught my kids it's best to stay away from bullies rather than engage.
Again, thank you for replying - I was doubting myself as to whether I was being too harsh on wanting to cut contact.

What did you say to your eldest? She also needs to understand what's going on, and be prepared for possible rejections. So she'll know it's not her fault. Horrible situation, OP.

Do you call FIL grandad or anything to your DC? you are being very right not to be bullied and to give that message to your DC .......maybe you can frame it that FIL has not been nice to you and as you say its better to avoid bullies until the apologise (leave an 'in' if you can)
that will keep the message consistent for the DC... re DN just say - I dont know why SIL is doing not doing.... nothing more ...
But DP needs to be clear that he wont be taking your DC to events either....his DS is more up to him I guess but if he lives with you that may be tricky in the future
if MIL wants to come over fine but your DC should not see you being treated like crap...
there is nothing you can do about SIL - she is an adult making her own choices....hoepfully overtime she will get her esteem to a level she can change the dynamic ....
best of luck - look after yourself you are showing your DC

Step back from all of this. It's your DP you're in a relationship with, not them. Don't ask your sil to see your baby, don't contact any of them. They aren't pleasant and you're not obliged to have them in your life.

For comparison, my in laws are kind, loving and positive people but I see them maybe twice a year. We don't have much in common and I'm busy with other stuff. You really don't need to be involved.

The only thing I'd add is please don't blame others, especially your MIL, for FILs behaviour. You may be able to see that she's enabling it but she's a victim too. You don't know what a terrible position she may have been in with a man like this and vulnerable young children. As you say, you can't change the past, you can only protect yourself and your children.

Your FIL sounds exactly like mine. He cannot give up control of his family and dominates every aspect of their lives, often getting heavily involved in decisions that are nothing to do with him (like how they spend their money, what cars they buy, what jobs they have, who they're friends with etc) and when they don't do what he wants them to do he psychologically attacks them. He's a bully and his views on women, non-white people, Jews etc are revolting. His family keep quiet to keep the peace and it makes me so angry as this just further validates him into thinking his views and actions are right. Although I do have some sympathy for them because they've been controlled by him for so long that they seem to have developed some form of Stockholm syndrome. They're all very psychologically damaged and swing between hating him and then demonstrating over-the-top displays of love for him.

I feel anxious every time I have to be in his presence as he's such a vile person. I've always held my tongue around him because I don't want to make life even more difficult for my dh and MIL, however, he's started trying to bait me in particular over the past year and he knows that anything to do with sexism and racism is something that really makes me angry so he's started spouting his drivel in front of my 5 year old dd to get a reaction from me. Every time I've see him for the past year we've had some form of disagreement over his views versus my views. His family all sit meekly by whilst I argue with him. If they want to tolerate the nastiness that comes out of his mouth then that's their call but I won't have him inflicting his views within earshot of my dd. I've now got to the point where I have limited his access to my dd and ds due to his behaviour. My dh argues with him as well but is more tolerant of him than I am because "he's a stupid old man", "it's his medication making him nasty" and "it's not worth engaging with him". I don't want to go NC because that means my MIL will never get to see dd and ds, but at the same time I can't allow him to drip his poison in my dc's ears. I feel like I'm fighting a battle all on my own.

Weirdly enough, I think my FIL actually respects me more for standing my ground with him as he's started calling me by my actual name since we've had disagreements rather than just referring to me as The Wife or The Mother. He's also started asking my opinions on things he's interested in. I think he knows that he can't control me like he does his family and is gradually starting to back down. However, from my point of view I just don't know how much longer i can deal with the man, whether he's targeting me or not. He is without doubt the most unpleasant person I've ever encountered.

I think if you (quite understandably) want to avoid your FiL and dont want your dc exposed to his toxicity then you need to accept that you are not going to family events. This is not a man that's going to change no matter who "has it out" with him so the best sution is that your dp sees them on his own or with your step son.

I would agree with PPs that your FIL is not a man who is going to change, so 'having it out' with him really is pointless sadly, and you would all be better off avoiding him. If your DP wants to continue going to these family events he should go on his own. And if FIL is excluding you from family events then it's a case of 'good riddance'.

So, finally DP managed to talk to his mum. Before he went he was going to talk about:
That I'm allowed an opinion different to others and FIL needs to understand that, and I was right in what I was saying (Christmas period dinner)
Ask why I wasn't invited to the celebration, and why FIL commented about me at the table
Address what SIL said about me to my DM (since last thread DM was walking baby and bumped into SIL, during the conversation SIL made a remark that "it's Suzy's way or no way" DM was taken aback and said it's nothing of the sort)
What actually happened:
DP tried to talk about the dinner but MIL said I was wrong with the fact I stated (I'm not, and actually cited the NHS website)
He mentioned the celebration but his MIL said there were too many people going already - he didn't actually ask outright why I wasn't invited.
And SIL apparently didn't say what she did, or at least it wasn't meant that way. My DM would have no reason to lie.
Then MIL brought up how she text me asking if she could come round immediately and I was busy with a friend. Well, according to MIL she consulted with her friend who said I should've postponed my friend or she could've just come round. I hadn't seen this friend for a while.

So I ended the conversation saying that I'll wait for MIL to contact me then to sort out when she can come round. Apparently that's wrong of me and I should be the one reaching out.

Is this what happens in narcissistic families - are they that brainwashed? Everything was explained away and turned on me. I'm at a loss as to how to go forward. DP got quite heated when talking about it, and has 180'd from the page we were both on. Any ideas?

How does he feel about it. Did he say anything about what would happen if you weren't invited again.
I get the feeling that it couldn't possibly be their fault.

They said that there were too many people going and that's why you weren't invited? Who were they prioritising over you and why was there a limit on numbers?

Your DP should be saying I won't be coming to anymore events where my partner isn't invited. That would be the most effective response.

Stuff them all op. You are wasting effort best given to your dc . Your dp needs to bloody grow a pair.
They all sound awful. Why would you want to socialise with any of them??

Op, this family dynamic will outlast you. Your FIL sounds abusive.

You need to protect your dc and yourself. I would stop seeing them all, and not allow your dc to be involved with them. They've done untold damage to your partner, and will do the same to your dc given half the chance.

Your dp can make his own choices, but I'd be advising him to go low contact and to seek/keep going to therapy.

And if he repeats his father's behaviours, then you need to get the dc away.

So you're being excluded, fantastic. This is an ideal outcome for you and your dcs. Leave your husband to manage his own relationship with them.

Both DP and SIL have esteem issues, I'm very aware of the language I use with DP in order to build him up. In essence I am trying to show him he is worth something but it's hard, he is unable to show me praise or appreciation as he has never had it shown to him

What does this actually mean? It's not your responsibility to build up your partners self esteem or to teach him how to show appreciation. Its not a healthy dynamic at all. It's also not appropriate to beg sil to have contact with your children.

@woolduvet He did he doesn't want the situation to continue, I told him this was not of my making and my relationship is with him not anyone else. Didn't go down to well and I understand that - he's scared of his father, or rather scared for his DM and how her life will be made hell.

@brassbrass yes, there were too many apparently. Prioritised over me was DNephews 15yo girlfriend.

@sprouts21 I've known DP my whole life, we were street playmates up until we were teenagers. I was not aware of family issues back then as we were never in each other's houses. I know it's not my job to fix his esteem issues but when you've heard your whole life that you're crap at this and crap at that etc it has had a huge impact on him which didn't properly show until we had the baby then he felt he was inadequate. He gives up too easy but is so frightened of failing. It's complex. Would I still be with him if we didn't have the baby and his family acted like this, probably not.