FIL excludes me from family events

[Suzysuzuki]

FIL = DP's dad. For context we are not married, have been together 5 years and have a baby. DP has a son, I have other children.

FIL is an awful person. Both MIL, SIL and DP allow his behaviour in order to keep the peace and not make home life unbearable for MIL. He has to be always right, everything on his terms, constantly putting everyone down around him. I have never heard him say anything nice. To others outside of the family he is pleasant and people talk of him affectionately. I have known him for over 20 years and was an outsider for many of these.
I've tried with him and the rest of the family. I've bought gifts from the baby to him, didn't get a thank you either time. MIL constantly talks of leaving but then he "changes" for a while before lapsing. SIL excuses his behaviour as that's just the way he is. When there are family get togethers she cries out of happiness if he doesn't kick off as he's "behaved himself". DP has major issues and is on SSRIs. He has been through many types of therapy and has been diagnosed with a form of PTSD. He knows this stems from his childhood but cannot address it directly with FIL. SIL is also on medication and has had therapy, her issues apparently also stem from childhood. But no one will say anything so as not to make life hard at home for MIL.
I get/got on well with MIL, SIL too. They have both said it is good that I am a strong person as DP needs that in his life (he also has anger issues and displays traits like FIL but I will not stand for them and he knows the last time he kicked off was the last time I ever want to see that behaviour from him).
Anyway, to bring you up to speed:
Over the Christmas period I challenged FIL as he was undermining me as a parent to one of my other children in my home. They left shortly after and the next day DP and I were due to go to theirs for dinner. At the table MIL mentioned something to do with current news and I expanded on the subject. FIL made a comment along the lines of me being a know-it-all. MIL and DP both stared at their plates. I refused to engage and avoided him for the rest of the visit.
Cut to later in the week and DP is at PIL and MIL is on the phone to SIL and asks if DSS can be collected from his mum to go to SIL for a family get together. DP asks what about his invite and MIL leaves room and carries on phone call, later returning saying ok. In the meantime I am slowly starting to feel anxious and think I have PND that has been building slowly. I couldn't be in the same space as FIL so DP said I was unwell and I stayed home with the baby (for feeding). Cut to last weekend and DP was going to go to PIL unannounced and phoned ahead. MIL said that they would see him and DSS that evening for DNiece birthday. No mention of me or my children. DP reports the next day that something was said at the table but didn't hear exactly what.
I have just had surgery and I haven't heard a thing from PIL or SIL to ask how I am. As it is cancer related I posted on social media (I am an advocate for a charity related to it, it wasn't a pity post). They haven't even acknowledged it. Last night SIL posted a picture of the celebration, tags DP, MIL comments what a lovely night.
So, thank you for getting this far. DP knows it's because I won't tolerate FIL behaviour and I have told him I will not expose baby to toxicity. MIL always comes to me to see baby as FIL "isn't interested until they're older". I have to pretty much beg SIL to come and see baby and she always has a busy excuse.
So, DP has said he will not stand for FIL behaviour toward me and will be saying something to MIL and SIL. I have told him I will not come between his relationship with FIL if he wants one. He is adamant that if he was put in a position of choosing he would choose me and baby.
Throughout this I have always said how the way FIL is also those around him's fault, as his behaviour has been allowed to go unchallenged. DP largely agrees.
I was talking tonight with DP and asked if he had asked why I wasn't invited and he basically said you can't blame MIL or SIL. Now I'm wondering if he'll just brush this away. I've said I won't attend anymore events, he's supportive of this. But will his actions back it up?
If you're still with me, any thought? Has anyone else been in the same situation? And if you're not with me it still felt good to get it all down!

I'm sure it is complex op, but it's still not your problem. You cannot fix it for him .What actually is he doing about his self esteem? Knowing what you know about these people, why do you want your children to have a relationship with them?

People involved with toxic families are at risk of becoming enablers themselves. That's not a criticism of you personally it's just the way these things play out. You are destined to become the bad guy, the common enemy. Your husband is highly likely to bully you into tolerating their bad behaviour, and in my experience these men are often just as abusive as their parents when it comes down to it.

You asked if people had similar experiences and I sadly have. If you haven't read toxic in laws you should do so, it's a predictable pattern with a predictable outcome. You need to focus on yourself and your dc and ensure you are not falling into the role of enabler.

That means detaching from the in laws and keeping away. Don't ask him to discuss it with them, don't discuss it. If he wants to see them great, but don't allow him to offload on you about it. None of it is your problem and you are not going to fix generations of dysfunction. Stop taking responsibility for his poor self esteem or trying to get him to realise they are dysfunctional. Be honest with yourself about these people's relationship with your dc, does it actually benefit them to be around this nasty old man, or the sil who can't be arsed with them?

You sound compassionate and caring, but you cannot mend this for your dp. You sound really fixated on his mental health and the dysfunctional dynamics you're trying to navigate, perhaps at the expense of the bigger picture. You need to ensure this fucked up pattern isn't the one your dc learn.

Don't prioritise the damaged adult over the children. He needs to be doing the work to resolve his issues.

The baby isn't a reason to stay in this mess, more a reason to go.

@sprouts21 I agree about potentially becoming an enabler. I was talking with a friend about whether I should comply with DP's wishes to reach out first or whether I should stand firm and wait for contact. He's using the poor MIL won't see the baby card/I'm withholding the baby/the baby sees my mum more.
All very well saying they like DP having a strong woman in his life until I stand up to them, eh?

@category12 He's really tried with his mental health, his counselling has been extensive and they think he may have PTSD. He's scared to be hypnotised which was next step as he knows it relates to his childhood, he doesn't see the point in trying to bring up issues with FIL as he won't listen. And my DP is not a slight man, think rag n bone man. He's actually a bit intimidating to look and you wouldn't think he'd be scared of his dad. I want him to work through this so he doesn't turn into his father as I can spot potential in that happening. He knows it's over between us the minute he displays any "bad" behaviour.

You are really going to have to get quite tough here op. Your dp has had a lifetime of training to know how to manipulate and get his own way. Never mind what he wants, what do you want?

It might help you to consider whether mil actually is a downtrodden victim here. It actually could be her that is behind the exclusion not fil. She sounds manipulative and she has clearly sacrificed her children's happiness for her own. Covert narcissistics (professional victims) often pair up with overt narcissists.

There isn't any point bringing up issues with your FIL, OP, your partner is right on this. This dysfunction is older than he is.

FIL is surrounded by enablers. No amount of addressing the issues with any of them is going to change anything.

@category12 you're right but how do we move forward? I appear to be the only one who won't put up with FIL crap and I think I'll now be cast as the bad guy. DP hinted that FIL did this to his first wife. I know that his last partner detested FIL as we have spoken about him, haven't asked whether it contributed to the breakup.

@sprouts21 Funnily enough when DP was saying all what had been discussed I did say to him to keep in mind that MIL is very practiced at explaining the behaviour away. I know she has threatened to leave FIL multiple times but then doesn't.

I'm really stuck. There's a chance that DP could turn against me. Then there would be access issues for DD and PIL would be more likely to expose her to their behaviour. And I really don't want to end it with DP, I do love him and he loves me, adores the kids and away from PIL it's idyllic. But it's almost cult like how the enablers pander to FIL. I cut my DB out of my life as he was toxic. DP knows I am always true to my word. I know he is torn and this is not good for his mental health but then by caving I risk becoming an enabler for him...

This isn't a We problem. Your dp actually doesn't have a problem with the current set up, you do. Your dp is going to do whatever makes his own life easier and that sounds like you continuing to tolerate fils rotten behaviour.

What is it that you actually want to do? Do you want to be included? Do you want to see mil but avoid fil?

Move away. Far away.

I'm serious.

@category12 sadly not an option. Family/work/friends all here.

@sprouts21 I don't know. MIL I can handle but I really don't want to be in FIL presence. And definitely not in their home. DP remarked how I don't go there. I said it's because of the dog. It's a terrier type, never been around small children and FIL winds it up to a frenzied state by pulling it on a rope. Split second later when FIL has had enough the dog is expected to comply and gets a wallop if it doesn't. DP said they could shut dog out but that's not fair on the dog. Anyway I digress. I want to talk more about it with DP but it'll have to wait until Monday as it's our weekend with all kids. DP will take DSS to see PIL at some point. My kids don't go as my eldest is allergic to dogs.
I hate this. On our own we have a lovely life and make future plans etc, but add PIL into it and there's so much tension now. DP hasn't said anything more about reaching out to arrange for MIL to see DD but I suspect after he sees them with DSS he will.

I think you may need to go low contact with his family and encourage him to step back a little as well.
How often does he have contact, go to his parents?
From reading here it appears to be a lot.
Maybe he should decline every second invitation initially and see how his mental health is after that.
He may find a little less contact improves his mental health.
Good luck

I would not take my children to a home where an animal is being mistreated. That's a good enough reason on its own.

@Weenurse he pops in quite a bit as part of his business is run from there so it's not a case of declining invitations however when DSS is over they both go for a dinner cooked by MIL. I suppose he could start with those invitations but that would affect DSS and that's not for me to interfere with. I think I'll see how this weekend pans out and address it again on Monday.

Good luck