Can't bear this stalemate

[knackeredandsome]

I recently posted about DH and I falling out at NY (I don't drink. Feeling isolated. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3466641-i-don-t-drink-feeling-isolated)

but we are now in a hideous stalemate and I don't know what to do.

He seems genuinely content to continue the excruciating silence between us rather than talk/try to make amends (this is a trait I am always amazed by, but he is king of sweeping things under the carpet and pretending all is fine). I told him that we need to be civil/act normal in front of DC because DD was really picking up on toxic atmosphere. And amazingly it has continued for a good week or so in this weird false limbo, and I'm exhausted by it. I can't bear the evenings, so just go to bed as early as poss.

I know he's waiting for me to cave in and things can go back to 'normal' but I'm just so hurt and can't move on from his nasty comments at NY. I feel like we live on different planets most of the time (we got together very young) and although our lives are so intertwined (2DC/ joint business/ home/ history/ families/ etc), we are strangely more and more different as time passes. I don't feel like I can talk to friends (small rural community where everyone knows e/o). Just feel shit and alone.

What did he say to you at new year?.

You are in a relationship with a man who has a drink problem and that is a serious problem for a relationship. To him the drink will always come first and foremost in his life. He is very much like his own father here. Alcoholism can sometimes be learnt and he in all likelihood learnt it from him.

Would urge you to seek legal advice and set about making firm plans to leave him going forward. I never write such lightly but your dc are picking up on all this still and you remaining with him now will also do you no favours either. You are basically firefighting and lurching from one crisis to another. It’s not stable in your house and it’s misery on a grand scale.

Keep posting here, you will find support and I would also urge you to contact al-anon for additional support.

Thanks for your reply and support @AttilaTheMeerkat

I know he doesn't have a good relationship with alcohol (he binges). But we're literally talking about every few months, and in between he only drinks at the weekend, and not a crazy amount. The golf weekend I was talking about isn't til end-April, and hopefully there won't be many major (binge) drinking opportunities between now and then. So I don't think he's reliant on alcohol, or an alcoholic. Just a terrible drinker when he does drink (which thankfully isn't v often). He used to have severe anxiety, and alcohol became a bit of a crutch. I am still very aware of that time and think I come down hard on him when he drinks and that drives him mad.

Xmas was hard because of his drinking and my lack-of drinking being an issue. NY he said I was 'incapable of having fun' because I didn't enjoy the pub/a drink. Tbh my 'fun' has very much been put on hold coz DS doesn't sleep! But also a few other cruel comments said in rage has got us to where we are now.

Hi,

I was in a similar position to you last year. I don't drink either whereas I believe my now ex partner is an alcoholic. Also any excuse to drink, though unfortunately descended into abuse when drunk. Mine also used to say I was boring (when I questioned him on this). I used to wake up in the morning and count how many hours till I went to bed again.

I guess I'm saying that I went through this but it dawned on me that my children would one day think this was normal, and may even be attracted to partners who would treat them as badly. This then gave me the courage to ask him to leave. It was awful and I even had to find him somewhere to go, but he left. It can be hard alone but honestly life is so much calmer, less tense and I'm so much happier without worrying about him. He still is a drunk but actually when he sees the kids, he is fine so they see a decent side of him. I feel I was starting to hate him before we split and I didn't want that.

Op, I guess I'm saying if he isn't listening or changing his behaviour, there are ways out and you don't necessarily have to continue that way. Also, the shock might actually be good for him, that he might actually lose you.

So are you thinking about splitting up? Or caving in?

You cannot deny he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

What is the longest period of time that he has ever gone without drink to your knowledge. Hardly a week now goes by when he is not drinking. He binge drinks and drinks on the weekend. Alcoholics do not all sit on park benches nor do they all have to drink every day. The problem your husband has with alcohol is that he has no real off switch and it is a problem too because you and in turn your children are affected by his behaviour. All social occasions he is involved in revolve around drink and his buddies are drinking buddies.

Alcohol also is a depressant and he is indeed using it as a crutch. He may well be self medicating with it too. It would not surprise me if he did that.

You have a choice here re this man, your children do not. They have to follow your lead here.

@category12 looking for Option C.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he's a good dad. He's 'there' a lot more than most (as we both juggle the childcare and running our biz. I thought he would have a dry Jan (this was never discussed, I just assumed), but he went to the pub with some friends 2 nights ago. He was driving and said he only had a pint (and I believe him).

What is normal re: drinking?! He thinks I have ridiculous expectations, and he's just drinking normally. My brother is a big drinker, and my parents drink a bottle of wine most nights. So I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not! I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have an issue with him drinking if it wasn't an issue (if that makes sense!!).

I also think - with DC around now, a ridic busy schedule, lack of sleep, etc, binge drinking isn't really an option anymore and needs to be left to his student past! Fair enough, some drinks over Xmas and NY and the odd beer/glass of wine at the weekend or with friends, but when it's presented, he's like a kid in a candy shop. He loves it. I find it weird.

The last big binge he had was before Xmas on a 'lads lunch'. He booked a taxi, so I knew it was going to be big. I asked if he would be back in time to put DD to bed and if he would be jn a fit state and he insisted that he would be. He left at 11am and came back at 7pm completely plastered (I think he'd had over 12 drinks). He passed out in DD's room and I had to move him into our room (swearing and slurring) and slept (or not) with DD. I was fuming. He couldn't understand why the next day. Said they were all in that state (or worse) and he was just being sociable with a new group of friends.

Are these hinges normal?! They seem to be amongst his friends and family. But I can't understand why or excuse being that drunk when you have responsibilities at home. I told him the next time he has a 'lads lunch' he needs to stay out and not come home.

When it write it all down it sounds so bad. It's bad isn't it?

The counsellor we saw said it's only a problem if it affects others adversely. So even one drink, if it makes someone horrible, could be an issue. From your words, it just makes me think your husband is just a prat when he drinks, and doesn't think of the family when he just does it. It might be something you have to live with. But I do think he should recognise his behaviour bothers you and not belittle you for it

I would die rather than cave in. Can you go to parents for a week or two.

You need to ask him what option C is, I think. If you're no longer going to take option B (I think you shouldn't, because you're in a repeating pattern that eventually will drive you to A).

Maybe it's good that he isn't speaking to you, maybe you can say your piece into the silence - point out the pattern, that he's just waiting for you to brush it under the carpet again and carry on as before, and you're not going to do that any more, and that you feel like you are on diverging paths that will lead you to splitting. See if he's prepared to think about it and come back with ways of making things better.

@category12 the thing is, our last convo/argument was exactly that. Me pointing out the pattern and that it's not ok. And he just saw red. And now here we are.

Last night we sat in front of the TV and he was just trying to talk completely normally to me about whatever was on/ work/ etc. I am just gobsmacked that he's not addressing things. But I can't just go along with it this time and I went to bed.

I'm very worried about DD. She suffers with anxiety (from birth) and is struggling with going to school after Xmas (she is 5). If the unthinkable happened, and we split, what sort of effect would it have on her?! I think it would tear her apart. I don't want it to affect her mental health as an older child. I don't feel like we're at the splitting up stage, but just the thought of it is truly terrifying me. Both sets of our parents are together and we have no real experience re divorce/separation.

I wish he would see how his actions affect me/us all. All of his other attributes are so great, and he is (or used to be) my soulmate. We've been together for so long, but these issues have always come back around. Now there's no hiding from them. Maybe they'll get better once DC are older and we have a little more time for e/o.

Don't catastrophise splitting up: it can be a way of providing a happier, consistent day-to-day environment for children. You note that she picks up on the atmosphere - it may be healthier for her out of it in reality.

You cannot change things at home if he's not on board and content to paper over. It may take actually being willing to call time on it for him to take you seriously. You don't seem at that point yet, but you'll get there eventually if he continues to stonewall you.

(Sorry, I struggle with you identifying your dd as anxious from birth? I think it may be evading the possibility it's all this going on at the root to suggest it's simply inbuilt in her.)

Why are you still with this idiot, he treats you like crap, gets pissed on a day out with the kids and calls you a bore, it's him that is the boring git. Pressures you for sex, you have to sit in a dark room for an hour to settle his child, why is he not doing his fair share.

No wonder you are resentful, he is not showing any love or concern for you, he'd rather get pissed up; do not talk or sleep with him, tell him the marriage is on the line unless he can actually behave like a decent human being, so angry on your behalf OP.

And no splitting up would not tear her apart, not if done properly, do not stay with him out of fear of the unknown, families split up every day and kids get over it, mine did.

I read your other thread and I don't really see the issue with his New Years drinking, as you said it's not often and he is allowed to go out every now and again and have a few to many with his friends.

I think the pair of you need to agree to disagree here, I personally couldn't live with you, even taking into account the sleep and children issues if you were constantly on my case like this. He has retaliated and said things he shouldn't I assume because he felt attacked.

Plans can change, people can have a few too many drinks every now and again, if you can't accept this, then you need to split up instead of condemning him to a life time of absintence or consistent enforced moderation Because this is how you chose to,live.

As long as he does his fair share of the chores and workload, inc paid employment, then he should be entitled to a sporadic and occasional social life.

And it's all about control OP, he enjoys watching you squirm and having total control over you, what happens, when you talk again

Waiting on your kids growing up won't change the fact he is one nasty git.

Adora, are you projecting, because the level of abuse you're hurling at this man is quite shocking,

It's all about him and his wants and needs, the OP cannot physically drink, he shows no concern about this or support, just carries on drinking with people that get pissed up then drive with their kids in the car

The OP is shattered from lack of sleep and he pressures her for sex, why not actually give her a night off and let her sleep?

Hope you get over the shock soon Blunt.

My DD has anxiety - she is 8 in 2 weeks. I put up with STBXH for 3 years thinking it was better for her. He didn't cheat, wasn't violent or abusive but he did do the same sulky thing when he didn't get his way about silly stuff. It made for a bit of an atmosphere which over time I found more and more oppressive. When I finally cracked and asked him to leave it was as much of a surprise to me as to him! I think we both expected it to be temporary but 1 week without him in the house sucking all my good vibes like a Harry Potter dementor and I just couldn't go back.

I told DD and him. He didn't seem too bothered but she was in bits. She struggled in school for a few weeks and I did lots of repeatedly telling her what our "new" life would look like and how she and her Dad would still have fun together.

That was a couple of months back. She is s different child - happier, louder, sillier more helpful ... everyone has noticed including school. It seems the atmosphere (that I thought we hid really well) between me and STBXH was affecting her also. She has adjusted so well to the new norm (helped by me and her Dad being friendly in front of her and pretty amicable even if she isn't there. We even went swimming with her together last wekeend).

You may find your kids are actually helped by removing the pressure cooker rather than harmed by the split if you can keep it friendly and not bad mouth one another!

@Bluntness100 it's good to hear your point of view tbh, as it's the same as him. It makes me think he might be happier with someone who enjoys a drink socially too.

But having a 'few too many' when you're with the kids or on a family walk isn't ok with me and I can't help that. I have no issue with the odd drink socially, but I do take issue with binge drinking at our stage of life, and daytime drinking, yes.

@Cath2907 I'm glad you've found a positive conclusion to the situation! Well done. It's also good to hear that your DD is settling in to the new scenario well. Brilliant. How is DH now? Is he happy with the split?

We had a discussion last night about everything. I found it frustrating because he put the situation down to my tiredness and our general stage of life being very full on and 'stressful' and we're just niggley with e/o. Said we need to spend more time together - date nights/ family time/ less work. I do agree (it's standard 'therapy' response), but I'd rather have 'sleep night' than 'date night'!!

I said my piece about the drinking and the affect it has on me and how our differences seem to be coming between us. He wants to move on, and I feel bad being the 'prophet of doom' all the time. But I've said I'm not sweeping this under the carpet, again! He said we could talk more at the weekend. Pretty sure we'll have to 'agree to disagree' again though.

Op, as long as he wasn't drunk and incapable in front of thr kids, and it doesn't seem he is, I genuinely don't see any issue with having a few drinks in front of kids every now and again, especially not on New Years with friends. And the vast majority (irrelevant of how many tea totalers are on mumsnet) are the same.

80 percent of the public drink, and he drinks a moderate amount at weekends, and even his "binges" don't have him falling over drunk and are few and far between,

The issue with alcohol is not with him, it's your complete and utter lack of tolerance towards it. And I don't think it's fair. You need to live and let live and alllw your husband to have a few drinks every now and again and let his hair down.

I have been with my husband for 29 years since I was 20 and we would also have a huge fight if he behaved as you are and decided I shouldn't drink. It's highly controlling. If he constantly had an issue with it, then our relationship would be in trouble.

You have to be able to accept your differences and not force each other to behave in a way you wish.

I can't comment one what else is wrong in your relationship, and as said, of course he has to do his fair share, but you on thr other hand also need to let him relax with a few drinks with friends every now and again.

Hmm @Bluntness100 I think we need to 'agree to disagree' 😂 as I've said before, I don't have issue with him drinking! I just think he has an unhealthy relationship with it (as does his Dad) - there's no 'off switch'. And yes he is very much 'falling down drunk' after a binge. Which is hideous to witness. Remember this was a LUNCH, not a night out, and he insisted on putting DD to bed when he got home (drunk)!

I don't have a problem with anyone enjoying a drink!

Anyway... I do appreciate you putting your point across. You're the devil on my shoulder!

I agree with bluntness. I'll dont see the problem really.
You remind me of my friend who's parents are alcoholics (functioning alcoholics) and she lives abroad. She is always going on about her partners drinking and honestly, it's just normal but she makes out like he is an alcoholic too.
As soon as he has a beer the comments start.
She is absolutely tiny and doesn't really drink so I think she sees people drinking a few and to her, that seems like a lot. But what she doesn't understand is peiple who drink can cope with it more and havung some drinks at the weekend really isn't a big deal.

I kind if think You are overreacting but if you truly thonk you are drifting apart with different Interests etx then I think you would be happier splitting up.

Ah ok it wasn't clear he was very drunk. Then yes, I'd agree, he shouldn't get off his head, although a couple of times a year isn't the end of the world.

We all get to set our own boundaries.

Personally I wouldn't be happy with drunken dad passing out in dd's room etc. I don't think that's a particularly unreachable or unreasonably high standard.