What do I do?

[FrozenMargarita17]

This might be long, so I apologise. Please be kind.

Some background:

When I had my baby 18 months ago, I had PND. My husband ignored it completely, he would ignore me when I sobbed, he would hear me crying and saying 'I wish I was dead' and either roll over or put a hand on me but nothing else. He would walk in late from work (after staying as late as he can), say hello, and then go to the shed or out on the bike or whatever. Until she was 3/4 months, I had to go to bed at 8pm because she couldn't cope with being downstairs anymore, she would scream blue murder and when she cried it made my thoughts even worse, but if I took her upstairs into the dark and quiet she would calm and then sleep. After a day of being on your own and not speaking a word to an adult, to having my husband walk in at 7ish and then going to bed at 8 I was feeling extremely low and lonely. My husband wouldn't ever take her up himself because he said he needed to watch TV to unwind.

I spoke to the Health visitor about being low, and she said 'it doesn't seem that bad'. At my 6 week check, I cried to the GP and asked for help and they said 'refer yourself' - she didn't even offer me a tissue.

I had some counselling when she was 11 weeks. The lady was nice, but she would minimise my feelings, and say 'everyone feels like that' and would give me the same leaflet each week. She didn't remember who I was every time I walked in, and I had to explain to her again and again. I came out of the sessions feeling stupid.

My husband and I have differences in parenting - when she was a newborn he would badger me about holding her too much, and me feeling frightened, overwhelmed and criticised would put her down even though I didn't want to. He didn't think about the 4th trimester at all. (He has said recently, to a couple who are having a baby this year, that if he were to do it again he would take the 4th trimester seriously, and he wishes he hadn't gone straight into 'strict parent mode'. This made me very sad.)
He told anyone and everyone that as soon as she was born he would be taking her out and doing things. I had an infection after birth and I ended up feeling extremely ill, but I was frightened of being away from her so I went out with him. There are pictures of us out and I am white as a sheet and to this day it upsets me. I'm smiling but I look so ill.

Before she was born he would say things like 'I'm not having any of this no sleeping business, I'll train her like my sister did'. His sister did controlled crying at 6 months. I didn't agree to anything before she was born, and when she got here (and I felt the effect of her crying on me) I knew I couldn't do that. He was unsympathetic to crying from a tiny age. He would call her whingey even though she was under 12 weeks old. I felt like I had to protect her from him, I felt like he didn't like her at all. We moved her in to her own room at 4 months for 2 reasons, one being that she was getting big for her moses basket, and two was he wanted his room back. I was anxious about this but agreed to try it. It didn't go well, and I would put her down and be up there every ten minutes (he would help with this but get increasingly frustrated, and I would just go and lay down with her
) or go and sleep in the spare bedroom with her so I could get some sleep. There were nights I was hallucinating with lack of sleep. I was on the non-sleeper board here for a long time, and whenever I asked friends in real life they would say 'have you tried laying down with her?' 'maybe it's because you moved her too early' 'maybe it's because you have PND'. He had her overnight and I slept in the spare bed on my own 2 or 3 times so I could get at least some sleep.

When she got a bit bigger, he realised that she would actually sleep if she was in with us, and so we did that.

She's 18 months now and things are so much better, she will go to sleep in her cot, she just needs a hand on her to fall asleep. I'll do whatever I have to to get some sleep. He still gets pissed off around bedtimes, especially if it takes a while.

I find it really hard to get over how things were when I had PND. I still get upset about it sometimes especially when I see my friends all excited for their first baby, and I think of how things should have been. I am back at work part time, and I still do the majority of things. H has started to do things around the house too, but he now gets angry at me for things not being tidy enough. For example, yesterday morning I was rushing to get ready for work - I usually have 30 minutes to get ready, however he called and said he had forgotten to put the bins out, and could I do it. So I ran and did that, grabbing the recycling from the kitchen on the way, leaving me with 20 minutes to shower, grab some lunch and get out. I managed this, but there now wasn't a bin bag in the bin, so I got a plastic bag out and put my rubbish in there, thinking when I get home I'll put a bin bag in and transfer. The rest of the house was tidy because I had done it the night before.

I had to pick dd up after nursery, and when I got home (about 5:45) I gave her some snacks, and sat with her for 30 minutes, just spending time with her after being at work. He came home and had bought things for dinner, so I cooked dinner while he took the dog for a walk.

Earlier in the day, we had been discussing how down I am about my body after having dd and how I struggle to get time to exercise, so he suggested I go swimming that night, I agreed.

We had dinner and I realised that if I wanted to go swimming I had better go now, so I left my tray on the side and rushed out. He did bedtime.

I swam for half an hour, and came straight home, and when I got there she was crying upstairs and I said 'oh I'll get her' and he said 'no, just leave her to cry' and was clearly annoyed. I said 'it's ok I'll sort it' and went up, she fell asleep after 5 minutes.

While she was falling asleep I could hear him banging around downstairs. When I came downstairs, I immediately started to help him clean up and he was extremely hostile with me, saying how the house is a shithole and it's never clean etc. I told him that I hadn't had any time (except for giving up my half hour with dd, or not going swimming) to properly clean anything, and I was coming home to do it now. I had put the dishwasher on that morning to come home and do it later that evening. I feel like nothing I do is good enough, it was only a bit of mess from doing dinner (and a baby bag put on the side in a rush after getting home) which usually I would have cleaned up after I'd eaten but I rushed out.

My level of tidiness is actually better than it was since he met me, so I said if he's unhappy now he's welcome to live elsewhere. Probably not the best thing to say, but I felt attacked. I slept on dd's floor. It was awful, but I didn't want to be anywhere near him.

He's not spoken to me all day now - ignored me this morning before work, and when I asked him how dd was (he drops her off) he didn't respond until an hour and a half later.

I'm trying to get some more counselling for me, to help with my communication and to help me get over how things were when she was small.

Has anyone got any wise words of wisdom? Or reassurances? I don't know what to do. I sometimes think about leaving - it would be easier with only me and dd to please. Am I wrong? It's so hard to keep the house showroom clean when I have an 18 month old running round after me, destroying it, or hanging on to my legs!

Well it will get easier but he will remain the same. He seems to have little empathy or sympathy for you or the child. He should, he should care about you, it's a basic thing in a relationship.

I don't think he will change but the only thing that might is to have a calm, clear, cold discussion about how serious the situation is and how you feel i.e. if he doesn't show more empathy and care, you will leave.

Thank you for responding.

You're right. He happily tells me that he loves me, but he only seems to be able to (or possibly WANT to) deal with positive emotions.

In the limited discussions I've had with him (he won't talk about it most of the time), he hints at him having been depressed at the same time as me, but never said a word at the time.

I've looked in to counselling, and it's just so expensive but I honestly think we need it

I don't have any experience with this and never could, but from what I can see you've been let down by medical professionals and you've been let down by your husband. Raising a child is no easy feat and where possible should be a team effort between both parents. He seems to have this almost glossy brochure view of parenting. Perfect house, perfect wife, perfect child. It's clear his view points are at odds with yours. What does he even bring to this relationship? Aside from calling shotgun on the television and telling you to ignore your child? What positives does he have?

You'll get infinitely better advice from other posters. But couldn't other family members chip in? Or, and I know this is almost a none starter, your other half take up the slack so you can at least have a break? You're looking for counselling which hopefully will help a little. I would suggest sitting down with your other half and get him to tow the line, support your decisions and help out with the house and the baby. But something tells me he's about as flexible and understanding as a rock!

@maximum thank you for responding.

I do feel let down. I find it hard to tell him this because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I feel very sad that everything panned out the way it did. When my friends announced their pregnancy, I was so upset because it just reminded me of what it should have been. It was exciting, and it all went downhill.

He does do some tidying, he washes his own shirts because I won't, and he has started to do some cooking. He never did until recently. He tells me that 'it wasn't that bad' when I talk about when I had PND but I don't have any other view of it, other than for nearly 6 months solid I was in tears and felt alone. He tells me I'm beautiful all the time and can be very affectionate, but I really struggle with affection now - I feel very 'touched out' and feel like it's just one more thing on my list to do, which is terrible. We had a very affectionate and physical relationship before but now I struggle to find any kind of energy for it. Even a cuddle feels too much sometimes.

I feel like I made some of these problems myself, before dd I was very 'go with the flow' and used to just go along with whatever he wanted (stupid things, like whatever he wanted to watch on TV, or do at the weekend). He becomes very defensive if I try to talk to him and says he doesn't do nothing and I am always complaining.

What makes me laugh, is the house used to be SO much worse than it is now. He never used to help me tidy, or clean or anything and suddenly now it's a problem.

I don't really have many friends, and my family don't live close so it's just me really. We are also moving further away. I am really hoping to find some new friends in the new area, and now I am not absolutely crippled by PND I feel like I can actually do this.

I just wanted to say well done for getting through what sounds like a really tough 18 months. Raising kids is NOT easy, let alone if you have PND. I'm so sorry you were let down by the healthcare team that should have helped you more.

However, your husband sounds horrible. Cruel, unsympathetic, bossy, aggressive, lazy... how come he gets to chill out in front of the TV while you have to run around cleaning? Where's the team effort in this?

I don't know what to do. I sometimes think about leaving - it would be easier with only me and dd to please

I"m not usually one to shout LTB, but please have a serious think about what the rest of your life could look like. You obviously have different attitudes to parenting, and that is only going to become more obvious as your DC gets older. What if you want another one? What if you get PND again, now with two kids to look after? It doesn't sounds as though he was any help at all the first time around.

You say you've tried talking about it but he won't... it sounds like you're in an impossible situation. Could you talk to friends/family in real life? They may have their own views on your situation.

Maybe try counselling, but if he won't talk to you, would he talk to them?

Finally, do you see yourself being happy continuing being married to him? You really do not sound happy at all. And your child will pick up on that.

Your husband treated you like shit and you should leave him.

I've honestly been kinder to a stranger than he was to you. Don't put up with it

@greenfingers

Thank you. It was the worst time of my life, I felt like I had failed everyone, nobody wanted me, or loved me, I wasn't good enough for her. I remember posting on forums (long deleted) about how I was failing, and how I wish I wasn't here. I felt she deserved better than me.

I think that he was depressed at the same time, but the difference was I went to try and get help (and also didn't have the luxury of wallowing) and he didn't, and it was when I needed him the most.

He does do cleaning, but it's usually when I'm also doing something else. I used to make her dinner, put her to bed, then make us dinner, and then clean it up.

He wouldn't be happy with my summary of what happened at all, he always tells me that I act as if he does nothing.

@shoxfordian

I really have reached my limit. I swear it wasn't always like this.

And I know that if I read my story as if it was someone else's I'd tell them to leave as well.

I've thought a lot about what the basis of a healthy relationship should be lately and at the absolute root of it all for me was kindness. This man has shown none, towards you or DD when you were at your most vulnerable.

I can only tell you what I would do in your situation and that level of unkindness would be unforgivable for me. There's obviously things you can try if that's what you want, relationship counselling/trial separation/ultimatum but it's going to be very hard to effect change if this is 'just who he is'.

It's very telling that you can already see that it would be easier with only you and DD to please and honestly, that's what I would do, but that's a conclusion you have to come to (or not) in your own time

@hiding

You're right :( I swear I always thought he was kind. It's like the person I thought he was is not who he is at all. I'm so upset.

I just asked him if I was getting dd from nursery or if he was, and he said that he wants to but he doesn't want to come home 'if it'll be like last night' which I assume to mean me not talking as I literally didn't know what to say anymore. He makes me feel like this is all my fault!

He says he will come home and put her to bed and then go out. He won't even talk to me.

Do you have any family you can stay with or friends? You need to get away from him as soon as you can. He's not kind to you and he's not even acting like he loves you.

You’re not wrong to fantasise about it being just you and your DD. I would seriously think about making that possible in your shoes. He sounds like a knobhead.

I could stay with my mum but I don't want to be accused of taking dd away. He's not home yet so I have no idea what he's doing. I offered to go to my mums for the night and he said don't because 'it'll just spiral from there' whatever that means.

He constantly talks about how I 'turn things around on him' but I don't know what on earth he means by that. If you're being a shit you're being a shit there's no turning around

Ahhh op. I feel for you.

I had awful pnd for 14 months and had horribly distressing thoughts the first 3 months. I had support and counselling and eventually it got better. My husband did not understand it and would say that I must have been depressed from before the birth. He refused to acknowledge it as pnd. He are now divorcing 11 years later as dismissing me and my concerns just became the norm in our marriage.

Yourdh sounds awful not just to you, but also to your dd. Who calls a 3 month old whiney?? He's a bully. Please consider ending this relationship.

Sending you hugs and strength x

Go to your mums and have a break

This is not all your fault this is his

OP, don't leave your home. He needs to go.
I imagine some of your depression stemmed not only from PND but from the unsupportive, critical dick you are married to.
You'll be MUCH happier just you and DD. I cannot emphasize that enough.
And find a new counsellor. The one you saw sounds awful!

It honestly sounds like he may be well aware he’s being a total shit, but he resents you and now you are really resenting him.

Not all parents are compatible I have learnt, and unless both parties want to work at that then it is pretty much lost cause

He doesn’t want to acknowledge your hardships, perhaps he feels by doing this you will ‘win’ and this honestly sounds like parenting has brought out some of his worst traits. Unfortunately you have to parent with him until your DD is an adult. From my own POV and similar situation to yours I chose to leave and

Have parented my DC the way I choose, and look after myself. This way I have no resentment towards the person who is supposed to be loving you but who actually isn’t

Oh for god's sake lovey, leave him; I'd lay a pound to a penny your depression will lift almost immediately when you only have yourself and one child to take care of.
Your H should be your rock, supporting you and doing everything he can to help you through the pnd. Currently, he is adding to your problem

You sound like me! I had the 'turning things around on him' accusations (he did nothing but bare minimum to help). Totally selfish and awful - abusive eventually. 3 kids later I am trying to get him out of the house. Unmarried I am very vulnerable. I would seriously recommend thinking about your options should you split.

Listen dont leave him. Take a break and write him a letter. Put in it everything you did here. Your little girl deserves a shot at a happy family so get counselling and sod the cost. My gut feeling is he feels like he has no say with DD and you undermine him as you dont agree with his choices. So going to her as she was crying when he said to leave her. So he is picking on the cleanliness of the house as a vent of frustration really. I am not saying your wrong or he shouldnt have helped you more or that his way of parenting is right.
I am saying your parents together and he has done a crap job so far but he is obviously capable as he does some of her drop offs ect so you trust him he isnt abusive. I think give it a chance but tell him its time for cards on the table and counselling as your seriously considering seperation. Parenting is tough especially when two people want to parent differently but you are 18 months in it gets easier now you might look back in 10 years and accept that it was tough and mistakes were made but your a family.

@floral I'm sorry you had pnd too. I have never felt worse than than. I spoke to the Samaritans so many times. that's so sad that he dismissed you. It just makes you feel like your are worthless doesn't it.

@Quartz2208 he hasn't come home yet so I'm here with an overtired dd

@Lifeisabeach09 you're right she was awful. I can see that now but at the time I felt horrendous. She was supposedly the one with perinatal experience but I think I would have rather seen anyone that was nice.

I wish things were different