This might be long, so I apologise. Please be kind.
Some background:
When I had my baby 18 months ago, I had PND. My husband ignored it completely, he would ignore me when I sobbed, he would hear me crying and saying 'I wish I was dead' and either roll over or put a hand on me but nothing else. He would walk in late from work (after staying as late as he can), say hello, and then go to the shed or out on the bike or whatever. Until she was 3/4 months, I had to go to bed at 8pm because she couldn't cope with being downstairs anymore, she would scream blue murder and when she cried it made my thoughts even worse, but if I took her upstairs into the dark and quiet she would calm and then sleep. After a day of being on your own and not speaking a word to an adult, to having my husband walk in at 7ish and then going to bed at 8 I was feeling extremely low and lonely. My husband wouldn't ever take her up himself because he said he needed to watch TV to unwind.
I spoke to the Health visitor about being low, and she said 'it doesn't seem that bad'. At my 6 week check, I cried to the GP and asked for help and they said 'refer yourself' - she didn't even offer me a tissue.
I had some counselling when she was 11 weeks. The lady was nice, but she would minimise my feelings, and say 'everyone feels like that' and would give me the same leaflet each week. She didn't remember who I was every time I walked in, and I had to explain to her again and again. I came out of the sessions feeling stupid.
My husband and I have differences in parenting - when she was a newborn he would badger me about holding her too much, and me feeling frightened, overwhelmed and criticised would put her down even though I didn't want to. He didn't think about the 4th trimester at all. (He has said recently, to a couple who are having a baby this year, that if he were to do it again he would take the 4th trimester seriously, and he wishes he hadn't gone straight into 'strict parent mode'. This made me very sad.)
He told anyone and everyone that as soon as she was born he would be taking her out and doing things. I had an infection after birth and I ended up feeling extremely ill, but I was frightened of being away from her so I went out with him. There are pictures of us out and I am white as a sheet and to this day it upsets me. I'm smiling but I look so ill.
Before she was born he would say things like 'I'm not having any of this no sleeping business, I'll train her like my sister did'. His sister did controlled crying at 6 months. I didn't agree to anything before she was born, and when she got here (and I felt the effect of her crying on me) I knew I couldn't do that. He was unsympathetic to crying from a tiny age. He would call her whingey even though she was under 12 weeks old. I felt like I had to protect her from him, I felt like he didn't like her at all. We moved her in to her own room at 4 months for 2 reasons, one being that she was getting big for her moses basket, and two was he wanted his room back. I was anxious about this but agreed to try it. It didn't go well, and I would put her down and be up there every ten minutes (he would help with this but get increasingly frustrated, and I would just go and lay down with her
) or go and sleep in the spare bedroom with her so I could get some sleep. There were nights I was hallucinating with lack of sleep. I was on the non-sleeper board here for a long time, and whenever I asked friends in real life they would say 'have you tried laying down with her?' 'maybe it's because you moved her too early' 'maybe it's because you have PND'. He had her overnight and I slept in the spare bed on my own 2 or 3 times so I could get at least some sleep.
When she got a bit bigger, he realised that she would actually sleep if she was in with us, and so we did that.
She's 18 months now and things are so much better, she will go to sleep in her cot, she just needs a hand on her to fall asleep. I'll do whatever I have to to get some sleep. He still gets pissed off around bedtimes, especially if it takes a while.
I find it really hard to get over how things were when I had PND. I still get upset about it sometimes especially when I see my friends all excited for their first baby, and I think of how things should have been. I am back at work part time, and I still do the majority of things. H has started to do things around the house too, but he now gets angry at me for things not being tidy enough. For example, yesterday morning I was rushing to get ready for work - I usually have 30 minutes to get ready, however he called and said he had forgotten to put the bins out, and could I do it. So I ran and did that, grabbing the recycling from the kitchen on the way, leaving me with 20 minutes to shower, grab some lunch and get out. I managed this, but there now wasn't a bin bag in the bin, so I got a plastic bag out and put my rubbish in there, thinking when I get home I'll put a bin bag in and transfer. The rest of the house was tidy because I had done it the night before.
I had to pick dd up after nursery, and when I got home (about 5:45) I gave her some snacks, and sat with her for 30 minutes, just spending time with her after being at work. He came home and had bought things for dinner, so I cooked dinner while he took the dog for a walk.
Earlier in the day, we had been discussing how down I am about my body after having dd and how I struggle to get time to exercise, so he suggested I go swimming that night, I agreed.
We had dinner and I realised that if I wanted to go swimming I had better go now, so I left my tray on the side and rushed out. He did bedtime.
I swam for half an hour, and came straight home, and when I got there she was crying upstairs and I said 'oh I'll get her' and he said 'no, just leave her to cry' and was clearly annoyed. I said 'it's ok I'll sort it' and went up, she fell asleep after 5 minutes.
While she was falling asleep I could hear him banging around downstairs. When I came downstairs, I immediately started to help him clean up and he was extremely hostile with me, saying how the house is a shithole and it's never clean etc. I told him that I hadn't had any time (except for giving up my half hour with dd, or not going swimming) to properly clean anything, and I was coming home to do it now. I had put the dishwasher on that morning to come home and do it later that evening. I feel like nothing I do is good enough, it was only a bit of mess from doing dinner (and a baby bag put on the side in a rush after getting home) which usually I would have cleaned up after I'd eaten but I rushed out.
My level of tidiness is actually better than it was since he met me, so I said if he's unhappy now he's welcome to live elsewhere. Probably not the best thing to say, but I felt attacked. I slept on dd's floor. It was awful, but I didn't want to be anywhere near him.
He's not spoken to me all day now - ignored me this morning before work, and when I asked him how dd was (he drops her off) he didn't respond until an hour and a half later.
I'm trying to get some more counselling for me, to help with my communication and to help me get over how things were when she was small.
Has anyone got any wise words of wisdom? Or reassurances? I don't know what to do. I sometimes think about leaving - it would be easier with only me and dd to please. Am I wrong? It's so hard to keep the house showroom clean when I have an 18 month old running round after me, destroying it, or hanging on to my legs!