Does dh still have a thing for his ex?

[blinkerss]

They have a child together. We have been together for 4 years. Married for 1.

I've always been insecure of her and that's because I've always thought he's never been 100% over her.

But over the last couple of days my mind has been wondering.

He FaceTimes the child on a daily basis which is fine. He is too young to have a phone so obviously he rings them ex. However the last couple of days she's been ignoring his calls. Which has frustrated dh massively.

1. He tried calling and FaceTimjng and she didn't answer. Later in the day she called him and FaceTimed him but by accident. She hung up before he could answer. Then he tried calling back - she didn't answer. To me it was quite clear she had rang by accident and she was probably cancelling his call because she rang the wrong person and him ringing back was interrupting her call. His response to this was 'well who the hell is she ringing or FaceTiming' I answered back 'I don't know why do you even care?'

1. He still hadn't spoken to ds yesterday and rang me up especially to tell me that the ex is ignoring him. He can see she's been on what's app etc and why is she ignoring him. He is so bothered about her not speaking to him. I don't get it. She's not ignoring him, he's just pestering her!

1. He finally spoke to ds this morning and when he got off the call he came straight upstairs and told me how miserable the ex was with him. He then asked me to go search her on fb (he doesn't do social media) and see if she's still in a relationship with her latest bf. I didn't do this. I asked him why he's so bothered and he said he's not, he's just worried about ds. I then said how insecure it makes me feel and he just changed the subject.

Like I said, I've always been insecure of her. If she's upset, she will ring him crying. I'm pretty sure she tells him most things that are going on in her life. There's a few times he has said something about her which is nothing to do with ds and I just think 'why do you know that about her?'

I just really feel he's never quite got over her.

Or am I being paranoid? I had our baby not too long ago and sleep deprivation and hormones are playing a part but I've always had this in the back of my mind. These are just the latest examples.

Sorry I feel like this is petty playground stuff but I just don't want to be married to someone when deep down he knows I'm not 'the one'

At first I thought why on earth would you marry someone who you think isn't over the ex? Seems crazy.

But the points you then mention starting from the first just make me think he is worried about his son and nothing else and is annoyed with her for putting whoever else first before allowing his son to talk to him as normal.

Yes he can put boundaries up where she doesn't call him for all his problems but I think you knew what you were getting yourself into when you married him (sorry).

@babba2014 I totally get what you're saying.
When we got married I was in a bit of a whirlwind. I was pregnant and we decided to get married before the baby was born and we organised it all in a few months. Sadly we lost that baby. But I saw it as a sign to marry him and we went ahead with the wedding. If I never fell pregnant then we wouldn't be married now. I didn't have a clear head at the time.

He's always been very reassuring I'm the one for him. But I just feel deep down, it's her.

Sounds like he just wants to speak to his son.

She will always be in your husbands life.

I don't think you have to worry. Honestly I was ready to be totally in agreement with you but every point just says he misses his son and wants to talk to him and is angry at her for not allowing it to happen. He is angry with her not happy and wanting her.

It sounds like it's about his son and not her. He isn't with her and with you for a reason. His interest in her boyfriend has probably got a lot to do with knowing who is around his son than any jealousy. If he'd wanted to be with her, he would be. He's with you and got married to you even though you weren't pregnant. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

I would take it as a good sign that he cares about his son and, by extension, worries about her wellbeing.

Ok these are the answers I needed to hear. Thank you x

He is worried about her behaviour and what that means for DS. I read the FB thing as being worried she had been dumped and was in a bad way. That means she might not be looking after DS or that she will restrict access. Which she is doing.

As to marrying you, he didn’t need to. Lots of people don’t in that situation as it’s not the 1950s. He knows what marriage means and he married you.

Blinkers, it’s so hard especially when you’ve just had a baby yourself. He sounds like a good man.

I know she will always be in his life. I actually get on quite well with her. Some of her actions as a mother have lead me and dh to feel very angry in the past - lately it is because she is barely spending any time with dss. We had him all Christmas and new year. Today she has gone away for a few days and dss is staying with her mum.

So yes I can see how dh is wanting to speak to ds and how he is getting frustrated that she is ignoring him. I don't know, I'm so tired at the moment and haven't slept properly for ages. I just can't help my insecurities but I know I need to some how get over it. I totally get everyone's reply on here so thank you

Does he have at least a minimum contact pattern set in stone? Is she currently ignoring that?

I read this as him being pissed off that she’s stopping the contact with their son. From experience, when my exW’s relationship (the OM in my case) broke down she became much more difficult to make any sort of arrangements with and, frankly, was a massive PITA for quite a while.

I agree with pp t really does sound like he's just worried about his son and frustrated about not speaking to him as normal. He might be worrying about what son is thinking, or maybe that his child is thinking Dad hasn't bothered calling.
I would guess that asking about her relationship was because he is worried, I've known when my ex was having relationship difficulties because he becomes way more difficult to deal with so it makes sense for him
To wonder.
Try not to worry, it's hard with a new baby/hormones/sleep deprivation so don't be too hard on yourself

@Changedname3456 context is still in place. We have him a lot more now tbh. At the start of December she rang dh in tears saying she was having a breakdown which led to us giving her a lump sum of cash. Also in this call she explained to dh how she was pushing the new bf away already though they are still together as far as I know. I've never been able to figure her out. But I know that ds isn't her top priority really.

@jellybean85 thanks so much xx

But I know that ds isn't her top priority really.

That's a really unfair comment, OP. Imagine someone saying that about you. If she's having a breakdown, that's mental health which is just as relevant as physical health. That's actually pretty spiteful of you.

I disagree, I think their their relationship is more about the child, there's an emotional connection there which doesn't need to be there anymore; why does she call him with her problems, why does he know her life story, it's not required and is causing you unnecessary anxiety, I'd have to tell him this.

Also, you don't know her DS is not her top priority so don't say mean things like that when the woman is clearly suffering from mental health issues.

@Djnoun I can see why you say that but I am not a spiteful person at all. It's the truth. Since the 22nd December, she has spent a grand total of 4 nights with him. That's all. Today she goes away with her mates. The penny has now dropped that the lump some of money we paid her has more than likely paid for this. The rest of the time he's been with us or who knows where.

I can now totally see why my original post is ridiculous. But I could list the amount of vile things the ex has done yet somehow dh is always there for her. That's where my mum problem lies

I find the ‘who the hell is she ringing/facetiming’ comments and wanting you to check up on her relationship status a bit odd though, I’m surprised nobody else so far has questioned these? The tone of that first comment seems a bit possessive or jealous, like he would have a problem with her being in touch with another man, or would be jealous or something. Then wanting to know about her relationship, eh. It’s probably nothing but I’d definitely be feeling a bit like ‘why do you care when you’re remarried?’

Look I know mental health is awful. I suffer from mental health issues as do the majority of people these days. But I won't apologise for saying any of what I've said.

Last bf was a druggy. She would let him pick dss up for us and drop him off all the time. He was arrested for drug driving just after dropping dss off at the ex's. She admitted she knew he was addicted to weed and coke.

2 weeks later she's with the new bf (September last year). By the end of September she's introduced dss to him and also to his kids. By October he's doing the drop offs.

Christmas she tells dh we are having dss all over Xmas and new year. Then find out the new bf and one of his kids has stayed at her house for Xmas and the child has slept in dss bed. Dss spends Xmas morning in tears as he doesn't understand why he isn't with mummy.

Men and socialising are her priority.

I've always been insecure of her and that's because I've always thought he's never been 100% over her.
I think it's more a case of you think he wants to get back with her, because you are insecure.

@VietnameseCrispyFish I know, I don't get it either. I just think I need to say that I know he feels some sort on connection with her still.

Like I say she's done some horrible horrible stuff to him and that's why they aren't together but she will always be the one that has some sort of hold over him. I'll never be able to match it. Not that I would want too

I think he genuinely does love me but he loves me for the stability and security I've given him. I got him out of a bad place (that she left him in). With me he's now got a proper home, money, a place for his kids to stay etc. But I'm not her and no matter what she's done to him, he's never going to be truly over her.

Like I say she's done some horrible horrible stuff to him and that's why they aren't together but she will always be the one that has some sort of hold over him. I'll never be able to match it. Not that I would want to

I’ve seen this kind of pattern so many times. Men who are with or have been with a woman who has treated them badly, been controlling or demanding, cheated, expects the earth and throws the odd crumb in return. To be fair I’ve seen woman accept this from men too. It’s weird cos any normal emotionally healthy person would run a mile from someone like that, but for some people it’s hopelessly addictive, maybe it’s the thrill of the chase or the drama, or the same mechanism that means rats will push a lever that gives intermittent treats over and over again and not bother with a lever that delivers treats every time or not at all. I’ve seen guys worship the ground a woman walks on when to everyone else it’s been mind boggling cos she’s such an awful person and partner. Yet they moon after them for years and even when they meet someone lovely and secure they’d give it all up in an instant if the wild one clicked her fingers! There was obviously something very enticing about her for him to have been with her despite her shortcomings. Maybe it’s the long held fantasy that one of these days she’ll grow up and he’ll finally get the relationship with her he wants.

You are not in any position to make an objective case about her feelings towards her child. You are far too biased.

@VietnameseCrispyFish yep maybe....I don't think I can hide away from it anymore as the last few days have really messed with my head - to the point I've had to come and here for advice. But whatever I say to him, he will deny it.

I've always said that if we ever split up for any reason then he would be straight back to her. I'm pretty sure she will still feel something for him or why else would she tell him all her problems? I can't think of anything worse than going to my ex (I have 2 dcs to him) and telling him my problems. Nor do I care about his relationships.

@Djnoun I have been in this little boys life for 4 years. In this 4 years I have witnessed countless scenarios that show he is not top priority. I haven't said she doesn't love him or care for him. She does - absolutely. But does she put him first above everything else in her life? No not at all. And it is beginning to affect dss