Does dh still have a thing for his ex?

[blinkerss]

They have a child together. We have been together for 4 years. Married for 1.

I've always been insecure of her and that's because I've always thought he's never been 100% over her.

But over the last couple of days my mind has been wondering.

He FaceTimes the child on a daily basis which is fine. He is too young to have a phone so obviously he rings them ex. However the last couple of days she's been ignoring his calls. Which has frustrated dh massively.

1. He tried calling and FaceTimjng and she didn't answer. Later in the day she called him and FaceTimed him but by accident. She hung up before he could answer. Then he tried calling back - she didn't answer. To me it was quite clear she had rang by accident and she was probably cancelling his call because she rang the wrong person and him ringing back was interrupting her call. His response to this was 'well who the hell is she ringing or FaceTiming' I answered back 'I don't know why do you even care?'

1. He still hadn't spoken to ds yesterday and rang me up especially to tell me that the ex is ignoring him. He can see she's been on what's app etc and why is she ignoring him. He is so bothered about her not speaking to him. I don't get it. She's not ignoring him, he's just pestering her!

1. He finally spoke to ds this morning and when he got off the call he came straight upstairs and told me how miserable the ex was with him. He then asked me to go search her on fb (he doesn't do social media) and see if she's still in a relationship with her latest bf. I didn't do this. I asked him why he's so bothered and he said he's not, he's just worried about ds. I then said how insecure it makes me feel and he just changed the subject.

Like I said, I've always been insecure of her. If she's upset, she will ring him crying. I'm pretty sure she tells him most things that are going on in her life. There's a few times he has said something about her which is nothing to do with ds and I just think 'why do you know that about her?'

I just really feel he's never quite got over her.

Or am I being paranoid? I had our baby not too long ago and sleep deprivation and hormones are playing a part but I've always had this in the back of my mind. These are just the latest examples.

Sorry I feel like this is petty playground stuff but I just don't want to be married to someone when deep down he knows I'm not 'the one'

I'd advise you strongly to keep this opinion to yourself. NEVER allow this child to have the slightest hint of your low opinion of his mother. You don't know what kind of damage that will do to him. And you are NOT in a position to assess this situation and have a fair opinion. You don't like this woman. Remember that.

@Djnoun oh ffs I don't need a lecture or into be told what to do with my step son! I've played a massive part in raising him! You are ridiculous. I care about this little boy so much and I have never and will never ever!!!!! Say anything negative about his mother. Dh has never done that either. The only bit of stability he gets comes from us.

You do need to understand the other side of things. It's very easy to make judgements and declare yourself best parent. But if she says she's having a breakdown - the details of which you obviously know nothing about - that's a serious mitigating factor. Anything could have happened to her, now or in her past.

@Djnoun she was having a breakdown because she's been working cash in hand for years as well as claiming benefits and thought she had been found out. I was there when the phone call took place.

So you know she's in serious trouble financially and legally. That's a pretty big deal for her. If she's got preexistingissues with her mental health, it's no wonder she's reached breaking point, especially if this happened right before Christmas. She must be very frightened.

@Djnoun no she has said it as a reason to ask for money. Which dh gave to her and she's now going away for a few days!

She's also violent and has attached dh more than once. Once in front of his eldest child who then ran away as she was so scared of her. The woman is horrible. Yet dh isn't over her and that's what my post is about!

It sounds like she has serious mental health issues. People don't act like that without a lot of trauma behind it.

I already reassured you that it didn't sound like he wasn't over her. It just sounds like he's worried about her. You feel differently because you don't like her. You're biased because of that.

Totally disagree, mental health cannot be an excuse for everything.

OP, he is over her but he knows she has problems. He can't ignore those or her because of the children. She is clearly difficult to deal with as a co-parent and as an individual. But right now he has to deal with her and he probably doesn't know any other way to do it than what he is doing. She seems to be in a crisis and because of that so is he.

This is not the time to ask him to make choices or to cut her out. He will be too stressed about the children. He won't see it as choice between you and her, he will see it as a choice between you and his children. By choice, I mean asking him to reassure you or to behave differently. Give him some time to sort this crisi out and support him any way you can.

When things are calmer, you both need to talk about how and if you can resolve things with her. You might never be able to do this. There is no magic bullet or solution for this situation. Many people get stuck co-parenting with a difficult ex. So do their new partners.
They accept it and are supportive or they leave because it won't change. Not unless he abandons his kids.

Right now you husband does not need a difficult ex and an demanding wife. He needs to be make sure his children are ok.

As everybody has said you have nothing to feel insecure about.

Actually, if she has a serious mental health condition, it probably does explain why she's acting the way she is. Maybe that does affect her ability to do your version of parenting. But I don't understand when you became the arbiter of how many times she's allowed to go away for a couple of days without this meaning that she's not a good parent. She's obviously having a bad time. Keep your beak out of it. That's all I'm saying.

I'm going to go against the grain here. It would absolutely do my head in if my exH was ringing me every single day for video calls and then if I was busy, you know having a life, getting hounded with calls and checks on social media. It's totally OTT and I wouldn't answer either, it's not normal!

I find it really odd that you describe a parent who has a history of violence, MH issues and drug taking boyfriends and yet when your partner is upset over lack of contact your first instinct is that he isn't over his ex rather than being understandably worried about his son.

@Djnoun we have a joint bank account. Dh handed her over some of OUR money. I look after her son on my own in a regular basis - for her I might add so she can do social things. I buy his clothes. I take him to clubs. I feed him, bath him, put him to bed. Cuddle him when he hurts himself. I've was cuddling him on Xmas day when he wanted to be with his mummy. But that's right, I'll keep my nose out. Not replying to you anymore.

This isn't about how much you care about the little boy. No one suggested you didn't care. It's about your attitude towards her. You're acting like she's your rival. You are making this situation all about you.

@Bluestitch he is completely worried about his son, that's why he FaceTimes on a regular basis and why he gets frustrated when she doesn't answer. He wonders wether she has ds at all.

BUT what I'm saying is why is he so bothered about her directly? He is a fantastic father to dss. If he could have dss living with us full time he would. The ex also has a brilliant family so when dss isn't with her, he is life then likely with her mum or dad or sister.

He worries about dss daily. He really really does. But sometimes....his words show that she still has some sort of hold over him despite of all of this and everything she has done. That's my point. I'm not for once saying he isn't worried about his son. He does every single day and if she didn't have the family she does then I'm pretty sure dss would live here full time

BUT what I'm saying is why is he so bothered about her directly?

Maybe because he wants his son to have a happy stable mother?

@Bluestitch yes possibly. That could well be true and I hope it is. But I think it's more than that. Whatever the outcome, this thread has made me realise I need to fin out

Find

You absolutely don't need to be causing more drama in a difficult situation by playing Poirot.

@blinkerss i think you need to put some boundaries in place though in terms of, when he rings her it needs to be to speak to dS only or to ask about him/speak about him and his needs... why does he need to reassure her if she has a bad day or goes through a break up?? Thats not his job...

”why does she call him with her problems” (previous poster)

Erm... possibly because she’s getting cash handouts by doing so, handouts which enable her to fuck off abroad and ditch her DC?!

OP - given the turmoil in DSC’s life, have you and DH not considered trying to become primary carers for him? She’s clearly not making good choices at the moment, particularly around men.

Perhaps, when she gets herself squared away, things could go back to whatever they are now, but at the moment it doesn’t sound like SDC’s getting the best of care from her.

And, for what it’s worth, I think this idea that your DH is somehow drawn to the drama and/or would get back together with her if you split is likely to be misinformed shit-stirring on the part of some PP.

She does have a hold over him but not a sexual/romantic one. You are confusing them and they are not the same thing

She is his child’s mother
A lot of factors depend on her... contact, DSS well-being.
She clearly struggles with some elements of either parenting or being a single parent - she hasn’t found a partner to offer her stability, or that isnt what she is looking for.

Either way, she doesn’t have the same life as you so you can’t compare them. She isn’t married, has child free time and perhaps is lonely/struggling or trying to rebuild her life with friends? DH is only invested to the point of his son it sounds

If you had listed other things I would agree with you but I don’t.

I had an ex who I realised was still in love with his ex and it was very different from this situation. He spent a lot of his free time visiting with her, phoned her every day (long discussions), he always went to her for everything she needed and I came last. So many elements of the way he spoke about her made me feel really uncomfortable. When he told me stuff it was always ‘ExW thinks’ or he had told ExW stuff about me. She was rude to me in person and not very pleasant. I found her aggressive and almost jealous of me.

I ended it with him because even he couldn’t see she was coming between us, and most of the drama from her side was asking him for money, and from his side was investing both money and emotions into her (she physically cried on his shoulder after rows with her boyfriend).

On the flip side I have my own father of my kids ex and I am friends with his current long term partner, we speak now and then and do sometimes get annoyed with each other or tell snippets of our lives but it’s all for the DC

Your DH does not sound like he wants to get back with this woman but he is stuck with her and making the best of it

@PookieDo thank you for your input. I can see where you are coming from. In all honesty, I think they do have lots of conversations - sometimes he is ages either dropping dss off or collecting him when it's his turn. Or he will let slip that they have spoken when he's been at work. Dss would be at school. He will mention something and I'm like 'how do you know that about her?' It's because they have clearly been speaking about her and what she's up to which isn't related to dss in the slightest. It may not be at the stage that you describe with your ex yet but I'm worried it may get that way. I don't necessarily think you have to speak about someone all day long to have feelings for them. He can easily keep it hidden and will do for as long as he can as he knows he has a good stable life with me - something that she never gave him. That's more important to him but it's still obviously going to bother me if there are hidden feelings there deep inside

Well done your leaving your ex.

Op if I had to trust my child to a woman like that I'd be wanting a lot of contact too to make sure my child was ok. I'd be worried about what relationship they'd be having next as previous havw been with drug addicts etc. I'd be wanting to be a confident too so would know what was going on in their lives etc. Honestly, I would act like your dh does.

In my case it was more that my partner wasn’t putting in suitable boundaries. So with the boyfriend arguments it wasn’t a passing comment. It was weeks of going round her house, dropping time with me to invest in what she needed. It was deep emotional convos. It was divorce being delayed. It was ex allowing his ExW to pay for all the Xmas presents 2 years running then go on holiday and him not even being annoyed about it.

It is to worry when her needs/wants seem to be more important than yours to your DH and it doesn’t sound that way. He is just probably being a basic kind person who wants to know the mother of his child is ok