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Original poster

DH and intimacy

30 replies

Blueflower22 · 09/01/2019 00:34

Hi guys I was hoping for some advice

I am 20 and DH is 25. I'm a uni student whereas he works full time.

The struggle is that we are only having sex once a week despite him being home and around after work. He wakes up at 7.00am and comes home at about five and then sleeps at midnight. So gets about seven hours sleep each night.
. I try to encourage him for sex but get no where, and he never initiates it either. I feel like once a week is not enough and that it’s not nice of him to not try for even a day more a week. His argument is that he feels excited and wants to but his tiredness stops him. I’m struggling to understand how he can’t manage one extra day at least? I try to tell him that I feel that many couples have sex more than once a week especially those who are young but he says how do you know that?
We are also trying for a baby, but that has not worked so far as we don’t have sex at the right times in my cycle even if I tell him when that is.
A few days ago he said to me that this time we’ll try properly and over the next few days do baby making for definite and then fix the sex issue over the next few weeks but since then we haven’t due to his tiredness and because he had a crap sleep as were sleeping over at his relatives house, and my fertile period is finished.
Please tell me what I’m meant to say to him as I love him and don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable but I just can’t seem to understand it from his viewpoint. He seems to think that I’m stupid for crying about sex but I just feel let down by him because if it was the other way round and he had an issue I would try to change things there and then. He recognises that it’s his fault but does nothing. He doesn’t have any depression so I’m not sure what’s wrong with him.
Has anyone else been in this situation? Please advise

I'm lying in bed next to him now but feel pissed of as he let me down for sex again. I want to be moody with him tomorrow to try and make him understand that I'm not happy but I think he'll just get annoyed

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 09/01/2019 00:41

I rather imagine he doesn't want a baby.

He should be honest, though.

What year are you in at university - 2nd or 3rd year? Isn't it pretty full on, studying full time and thinking about a career after? Maybe you need to refocus - and be truthful with each other.

Good luck with your degree.

jacobsgirl · 09/01/2019 00:45

Me and my partner are 21 & 22 both work full time with a son and for about a year we went through this,

Turned out we both had underlying mental health issues that hadn't been addressed and since then we've done much better

It's hard being so young especially as you feel like you should be having sex often at a young age.
At the end of the day sex is very important to most couples and I think a proper sit down chat is the only way to go about it - if he gets annoyed with this I'd make sure there's nothing deeper he's worried or embarrassed about

Good luck xo

MummEE2 · 09/01/2019 00:46

Sounds like he's either got a lot on his mind or is stressed or tired as he says. Could you go on a holiday or weekend away? It might help him relax if that's the issue

Original poster
Blueflower22 · 09/01/2019 00:54

@AutumnCrow I'm in my last year so just finishing you then will have a baby

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueflower22 · 09/01/2019 00:54

@AutumnCrow he said to me that he definitely wanted one and we should start trying

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueflower22 · 09/01/2019 00:55

@jacobsgirl can u ask you what mental health issues your partner had? I know dp isn't depressed

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueflower22 · 09/01/2019 00:57

@jacobsgirl we had the chat but nothing deep came up and he just said he's tired all the time but as my fertile period was in the next few days we'd have sex for baby making and work on sex for pleasure in the next few weeks, but we haven't even had baby making sex yet and I feel so frustrated that we haven't had one or the other. Just don't know what to do. Getting fed up waiting

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueflower22 · 09/01/2019 01:05

@MummEE2 I'm not sure. He's always had this problem, where his sex drive is on and off. We're going on a holiday next month for a week so will see what he's like then but I just want him to be consistent as it really hurts me inside

OP posts:
Inthetropics · 09/01/2019 01:12

Maybe he just doesn't feel the need/desire to have as much sex as you? Once a week is not that bad imo.

Original poster
Blueflower22 · 09/01/2019 01:14

@Inthetropics no at times he needs it like about 2-3 times a week and then sometimes he doesn't feel like it at all

OP posts:
showmeshoyu · 09/01/2019 01:22

Stress, pressure, rushing, too much too young. It feels like you haven't learned patience yet. Not wanting to sound patronizing, although I realise it will do. Take the pressure off, try to de stress you both, you're 20, you're pretty much at the beginning of your reproductive life.

FlipF · 09/01/2019 01:32

If your relationship isn't strong enough to be able to deal with this type of issue then how do you think you will deal with the stresses of having a baby. It's not fair to bring a baby into a relationship where there are such glaring problems. You need to put your future babies interests before your desire to have a child.

You have plenty of time.

If your partner is 'tired' now I'd worry how he would cope with a baby around.

Inthetropics · 09/01/2019 01:36

I still find it pretty normal, to be honest. Some weeks he want it more, some weeks he wants it less... some weeks there's no sex at all...

Monty27 · 09/01/2019 01:37

It doesn't seem right to me Confused

jacobsgirl · 09/01/2019 01:50

@Blueflower22
How is it you KNOW he's not depressed?

My boyfriend and I both had extreme anxiety and depression which we have since been to our GP s about. Depression aleffects my partner more than me as my anxiety is more a problem for me. We both take medication and started changing small things in our lives that were causing our sex life to diminish

All I can recommend is not putting too much pressure on it and sometimes let him come to you. I'm all about being an in control woman but sometimes if you stop making effort they notice - that's how the conversation came up with my man. When I stopped trying he realised things were effecting me too

SimplySteve · 09/01/2019 04:23

There could be some underlying health issue. He needs to see his GP. Awake 7am-midnight and sleeping seven hours should be enough, and many young 20-somethings are like rabbits at this age. Including those wanting a baby.

There are many things that can cause tiredness (including depression), some simple, some somewhat harder. Is this tiredness a chronic (over six months issue)? How does he define it? Is it just physical tiredness, mental tiredness, or both? I'm sorry to ask, and ignore if I'm being presumptuous and forward and my apologies, but does he have any problems when you have sex? Any losing of erection/"less-firm" erection? Problems lasting? Again, I don't mean to offend with this.

Is he tired more at certain times of day? Does it get worse through the day? Does a nap improve it? Does he feel tired in the morning?

The word "tired" is being used, as that's what most turn to, but there is are significant, but somewhat subtle, differences between simple tiredness and fatigue.

Chronic fatigue is more serious.

Hopefully this is a simple issue to resolve, but he DOES need to see a GP, asap, no matter how much he declines. It'd be a good idea to go in with him, if he'll allow you too.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/01/2019 04:59

Don't be foolish enough to have a baby with him before you know of this marriage will even last. You have some MAJOR red flags to deal with before you should even think about bringing a child into this mess. Your sex life is shit and you clearly can't communicate. I say run for the hills.

Instamom · 09/01/2019 05:12

I think once a week is often typical and within the realms of normal/average. Especially if he is working 5 days a week and feels tired after work, that is understandable for many jobs. Mental, physical or emotional tiredness.

Does he know about fertile windows etc? Perhaps he would prefer to 'accidentally' fall pregnant over the next year or so, take the pressure of windows etc off? Have you discussed this?

SimplySteve · 09/01/2019 05:30

He shouldn't be that tired, and I did a very physical job in the months pre-uni and was well capable. Type of tiredness/time-based development are a large physiological indicator. He needs to see a GP, and I have both med Ed, and a condition that started exactly like this.

Isth · 09/01/2019 05:33

You ‘want to be moody with him tomorrow’? Hmm sorry I don’t want to sound harsh but you really do sound your age. I would put rushing into having a baby on the back burner for now, and focus on your relationship. I’m a big believer in making sure any relationship, at any age, is as stable and as solid as it can be before having a baby, because that’s just like throwing a bomb in.
I also suspect he actually isn’t as keen as you to have a baby right now, hence the not being worried about trying when you’re in your fertile window. Maybe take a step back for now.

Dirtybadger · 09/01/2019 07:02

Don't fall pregnant in your last year of uni! Of the last 4 people I know who had babies all spent most of the first 12 weeks either sick in bed or in and out of hospital. Don't risk your degree! Wait until after. There is no rush. The limited sex is an issue for you- a baby makes issues worse not better. Please wait a bit.

Dirtybadger · 09/01/2019 07:04

Also if you're staying with family then he might he conscious of that. Why are you staying there? How long for? When are you moving back to your own place?

IamIwas · 09/01/2019 07:32

Why are you committing yourself to him by having a baby so young when you have basic incompatibility issues? Give it a couple of years then rethink.

IamIwas · 09/01/2019 08:03

Are you married?

PotteryGirl · 09/01/2019 08:17

Why would you be rushing into having a baby?...You're both so young.....finish uni, get a job, enjoy your freedoms for a few years..throw a baby into the mix and it'll be a disaster. Sorry to be so negative....
"You want to be moody with him tomorrow "
What's that all about...?

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