DH and intimacy

[Blueflower22]

Hi guys I was hoping for some advice

I am 20 and DH is 25. I'm a uni student whereas he works full time.

The struggle is that we are only having sex once a week despite him being home and around after work. He wakes up at 7.00am and comes home at about five and then sleeps at midnight. So gets about seven hours sleep each night.
. I try to encourage him for sex but get no where, and he never initiates it either. I feel like once a week is not enough and that it’s not nice of him to not try for even a day more a week. His argument is that he feels excited and wants to but his tiredness stops him. I’m struggling to understand how he can’t manage one extra day at least? I try to tell him that I feel that many couples have sex more than once a week especially those who are young but he says how do you know that?
We are also trying for a baby, but that has not worked so far as we don’t have sex at the right times in my cycle even if I tell him when that is.
A few days ago he said to me that this time we’ll try properly and over the next few days do baby making for definite and then fix the sex issue over the next few weeks but since then we haven’t due to his tiredness and because he had a crap sleep as were sleeping over at his relatives house, and my fertile period is finished.
Please tell me what I’m meant to say to him as I love him and don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable but I just can’t seem to understand it from his viewpoint. He seems to think that I’m stupid for crying about sex but I just feel let down by him because if it was the other way round and he had an issue I would try to change things there and then. He recognises that it’s his fault but does nothing. He doesn’t have any depression so I’m not sure what’s wrong with him.
Has anyone else been in this situation? Please advise

I'm lying in bed next to him now but feel pissed of as he let me down for sex again. I want to be moody with him tomorrow to try and make him understand that I'm not happy but I think he'll just get annoyed

I think you should also take the whole TTC off the table for a while as maybe its stressing him out too much. If you are highlighting when you are fertile to him and its very present in your day to day lives, it might be affecting him. He might be worried about parenthood and therefore avoiding sex. He might just be tired (he should go to the GP if he is exhausted all the time, as could be something underlying). Or maybe your sexual drives just aren't compatible. If the latter is the case, you should seriously consider whether you want to have a child together as the sex mismatch is a very common problem on this board.

You are so young, you have a lot of time, aand please, please, please don't be moody with him because he turned down sex. That is manipulative behaviour and has no place in a grown up relationship. If you throw moods because of this already, I'd say that is probably part of the issue. My ex used to get moody if I didnt want sex, and it was horrible.

Take the baby pressure off. You are very young and don't sound mature enough to handle the pressure a child would bring. Once a week is normal so relax, concentrate on getting your degree and don't even think about a baby until you are married and a little more grown up.

Please don't take this badly but you sound a little naive. First of all you really don't want to be pregnant whilst at uni. Nausea in pregnancy is awful and lots of people have it, some physically puke. It is the toughest part of the pregnancy and you don't want to waste all those years studying and then it go down the drain as you are too unwell to function.

Secondly there is a huge issue for you in your marriage and you want to try for a baby? This is a big flag waving at you. If he's not compatible with you now why bring a baby into the mix? This issue needs to be dealt with first. Thank goodness you haven't conceived yet as you have time to sort your relationship out.

The last point is that having kids is really really hard. It is not just giggles and play. Peoplw often find their relationship turn upside down after kids and there is much less time to spend with each other. The first few years being the hardest and if he's already tired then you will be in for a real shock after having a baby as the tiredness is unreal. If he's already a once or none at week type of person then he may just never want to be intimate with you after baby as he'll be knocked for six when the baby wakes up at night etc etc.

I'm being brutally honest here as people don't speak about it much in real life however you get a glimpse of it on places like Mumsnet but never realise the reality of it until after the baby is born. It is not all doom and gloom but your life changes a lot and if he's already hardly there for you and turns you down then he may not have any energy for you at all after the baby. It's a big sign in front of you that perhaps you are not compatible and if he is like this before kids then what will happen after with a baby who needs your care 24/7?
You're both young and you would think you'd be more on your level of intimacy but some people are not (your husband) or it could be a health issue. We don't know.

You are trying to coerce him in to having sex - don't. Put plans to TTC on hold and use contraception. Get your degree out of the way. Use your upcoming holiday to talk to each other.

Why are you trying to have a baby with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you?

Does that not tell you there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship?

If DH really is tired all the time he should get his health checked out - physical and mental.

If he’s tired all the time how will he cope with sleepless nights and extra work of a baby?