Baby affecting relationship badly-anyone else? Help

[MummEE2]

I've been with my husband for nearly 6 years, married for 1. We both have 10 year old daughters from previous relationships and had just had a baby together-our son is now 9 weeks old.

The first two weeks of our sons life he was good-changing nappies, playing with him, helping lots. Since he's been back at work things have changed drastically. He works 8hrs a day, finishes at 3pm. He does not have what I'd call a highly stressful job.

He cooks tea but does nothing else around the house. He hardly ever changes DS nappies. I go to gym 2x a week and leave DH with DS but DH has started to be unhappy about this as DS can be difficult to settle. When the baby cries he gets handed to me.

I literally have to ask him to help with DS when I need the toilet etc, he won't just come to him and pick him up to give me some time (DS is a demanding baby, likes being held in arms and otherwise cries).

Worryingly DH has also started drinking most nights, rarely having nights when he doesn't drink. He doesn't drink a lot but still-we would only have a drink over weekends mainly before DS was born. I've told him it's not ok to drink daily but he's taken no notice. This just makes me angry.

Over the past couple of days I've been very tearful and emotional as I feel I don't love him anymore. I don't want to have sex with him either. I think it's because I'm resentful my life has changed a lot since the baby but his really hasn't. My resentfulness is more powerful than love. If we had a 'date night' out without the baby just us 2 I think things would be different once we've spoken etc but it's not going to be possible for many months as our baby is too young and fussy to be left with anyone yet.

I don't want to leave my DH as I believe the love is still there but resentfulness is a more powerful emotion.

Anyone else's relationship has been affected negatively by a baby? Have you come out the other end? Do things improve? When?

Was he a selfish cock before you had the baby?

Is he a hands on dad with his older daughter? How does he care for her when he's drinking?

No, before the baby he was not like this. This is the issue. We frequently had 'date nights' and actually loved each other's company. Sex life was good too. Now he's in one room playing PS4 and I'm in the other room watching tv with baby.

Housework wise he's always been quite messy but it didn't bother me before as I was happy to tidy up. But back then I didn't have a baby stuck with me 24/7.

He's quite a good dad to his own daughter and mine but not very hands on. As they're older he can go to cinema with them etc so it's more fun. He doesn't get drunk. He has 1-3 cans of beer.

The change has happened literally since DS was born. When I was pregnant things were good too.

Hmm - I don't know if he has changed that much? He didn't do much before the baby was born and expected you to do it and he's the same now baby is here only you have more stress and need support

New babies are a really hard time for relationships. Tell him how you feel and see if he steps up?

The change in him is drinking and is not talking/spending time together anymore. I guess apart from that he's not changed. My life has been turned upside down by baby whilst his has just carried on as it was.

I've made comments to him about him not listening to me, me needing more help around the house. I did also make a comment that in regards to being a dad he does f**k all. I could have made those comments to a wall tbh. But you're right, I've not had a serious conversation with him. I don't think he knows how much I resent him and hate what our relationship has become. Dreading it..

My DP was exactly the same with our second child. Your partner might not want to admit it but he probably “hates the baby phase”. I know you can’t avoid the baby phase and he obviously wanted a baby too but my DP really struggled, he felt like he couldn’t do anything right when he tried to help, even when I told him he was. My DP also drank loads at the time aswell, most nights.

Could you talk to him to see if he is struggling to bond/struggling with the changes? I know woman can struggle to but we seem to just get on with things abit better.

What was he like when his first child was born? Has his ex ever said anything?

hshawshejwjd12-yes, he has told me numerous times DS only likes me. I keep having to explain to him that DS also sometimes cries when I pick him up and I struggle to settle him, it's not just him but he doesn't see it. Did your relationship improve as the baby got older?

CottonTailRabbit no idea what he was like with his daughter but my guess is the same. He's always told me he did everything for his daughter when she was born as his ex had PND. But since DS is born I ask him questions e.g. What his daughter liked when she was born, what milk she had etc he cannot remember anything. So my guess is he didn't do anything and his ex got PND as she must have been struggling. I don't talk to his ex so only have his side of the story

I have exactly the same so you're not alone. DH has a 15yr old and everyone was telling me that when he was a baby DH did everything. It's clearly crap because he doesn't have a clue what he's doing with DD (4 months). I've bought him the commando dad book and encouraged him to do small tasks to start building his confidence with her. I've also encouraged him to start to notice her cues because I spend all day with her so I'm seeing quickly what she wants but he doesn't and that can lead to DD becoming increasingly unsettled and DH then feeling a bit useless. Having time to yourself to go to the gym twice a week with a 9 week old is pretty good. Perhaps it's about helping him to feel more confident in dealing with DS whilst you are away?

I've also noticed that I'm very different with people and that affects my relationships. I realised that despite me being there to support family and friends, support for me during pregnancy, a traumatic birth and a poorly newborn was lacking and this has made me really resentful. Previously I probably would have been polite and sucked it up.

I'm also quite a flexible and relaxed person whereas DH can be quite uptight so a lot of things have been adjusted to suit him and now that doesn't happen because it's about the baby which has been a big period of adjustment. We're just now finding ourselves again and getting help. Antidepressants and counselling have been good for both of us.

It's not the baby's fault. It's your DH acting like a lazy teenager.

Blackcat86 I'm glad I'm not alone in this. I had to start going to the gym otherwise I'd be in tears non stop and probably had some sort of a breakdown. I had to get away from home. At first my DH was fine with it but increasingly I can tell he isn't because DS cries with him. Of course he'll cry, he's a baby! But he doesn't see that.

I do leave him a list of things he can try if DS is not settling and give him encouragement when I'm back and say things like "isn't DS lucky to have a daddy like you" etc. I do feel like my DH is just another child. He has DS for 2hrs max and gets praise. I have him the rest of the time and get nothing from DH

Blackcat86 how old is your LO?

Sorry but i HATE the title, it's not the "baby affecting the relationship" & It's your lazy fella affecting the relationship.

As a father of a 9 week old myself i'm up at 3am sorting out whatever baby needs, work full time, do plenty of housework.

There is no such thing as a fussy baby when it has 2 highly dedicated parents. You need to get him to man up & the baby will become a lot easier to manage . You're stressed due to your man & babies really pick up on things like that.

Sorry to be brutally honest but the problem is your bloke not the baby.

(DS is a demanding baby, likes being held in arms and otherwise cries) He isn't demanding, he is 9 weeks old!

Anyone else's relationship has been affected negatively by a baby? Op, this isn't your baby's doing. It's your husbands. There's a HUGE difference.

Hmm I'm thinking he is reverting to type. Why did his first relationship break down and how old was his daughter? I'm guessing he said it was his ex's 'unreasonable' behaviour?

He hasn't changed really - the signs were there before you had the baby you just ignored them.

Why did you split from your ex? Why did he split from his? And at what point? Particularly in relation to ages of the older children?

Wow, reading your updates you didn't actually know him very well before having a baby with him even though you'd been together a while did you?

Flatulence is spot on! Your "d" h needs his arse kicked!

Tell him

NO more excuses for not pulling his weight. Even if he's not doing directly baby related stuff he can do more of other stuff. Cook, clean, laundry, tidy, shopping, admin - there's LOADS!

babies cry get over it!

You'll only learn how to help DS by actually DOING IT! Having a vagina doesn't make one an expert translator in babies cries, experience does that.

Daily drinking is UNACCEPTABLE. It's unhealthy, expensive and ill advised as a parent in particular. If he's bored there's any number of things he can be doing.

Shouldn't be necessary but you could do a list of household chores that lives in the kitchen and direct him to it whenever he's slacking/drinking. "If you've time to do X while I'm busy doing y then do something off the list!" Yes it's infantilising but then he's acting like a 2 year old!

Even when you're home make him have DS more, get to know him, know the cries, his routine. Not just cos he's a lazy twat but if you're ever incapacitated it's something you won't need to worry about.

Stop blaming the baby!

He's not "demanding" he's behaving like a completely normal 9 week old. I'm guessing as your eldest is 10 you've simply forgotten but Google "4th trimester" and "newborn psychological development". At this age they're still completely vulnerable without an adult around and they sense that.

Change is your issue not the baby. When me and dp had our lo we both had to get use to the change and that both of us were putting our attention and our love more on the baby.

You dp is a feckless fool!!! And lazy and selfish. Sorry but it's true.
My Dp worked all week and at time lo wouldnt settle as easily but dp would keep on or take over in the morning to let me have some sleep even though he came off nights.

What your affectively saying is like this,
You and you dp move in together, and things get hard because he has to clean up after himself and doesn't get to play games all night, so the house has ruined your relationship. No your Dp wasn't ready to grow up!
Your in a shitty situation, but you need to focus on what's best for you and your lo. Keep going to the gym!!!

Keep going to the gym
Was meant as you need your time and he needs to parent.

Start going to the gym three or four times a week. The regularity will help them bond.

My DD is nearly 5 months. I found that around the age your baby is, DD became a lot more aware of 'strangers' and didn't want them anywhere near her. These were people not regularly involved in her care including her DF and GPs. This was hurtful to all of them as they were used to cuddles whenever they felt like and suddenly DD was screaming when they even looked at her. I kept explaining that as a baby she doesn't care if you're a blood relative, she cares that she doesn't really know you. This hurt DH but helped him to step up a bit to build DDs trust. Stop with all the extra praise as you're reinforcing him being a bit crap. Start telling him that he needs to be regularly doing things with DS to build his trust and parental bond otherwise it will get worse. If he's spending time with DS and helping care for him then he will be increasing his confidence. I absolutely share your frustration. DH will post on Facebook that he's done a single feed for DD with a photo of her and get a ton of positive reactions with everyone calling her a daddies girl. No one cares about the other 5 bottles from me, nappies, settling, laundry, medical apts etc etc.

I would urge you to see your GP about PND as this is exactly how I felt when I was diagnosed. Also buy a really good play mat. They are a god send! Personally I'm not a fan of constantly holding a baby. They need time to play and build their strength. DD adores her play mat and will happily self occupy for a little while whilst I get some housework done or have a coffee. Of course she still has plenty of cuddles, activities and isn't left to cry but a little break is really helpful.

MummEE2 - to be honest the relationship was difficult for a long time, I would hold a grudge for him not helping me. At around 15 months he started getting better with her. Hopefully you can have a chat with your DH to try and sort something out, feeling like your doing everything on your own isn’t easy

he has told me numerous times DS only likes me.

The baby is 9 weeks old... It doesn't like or dislike anyone. Seems a really odd discussion to enter into over a 9 week old.

He’s the problem, not your baby. He doesn’t sound like a dedicated, invested dad. Only a good times dad. Well that’s not real life and he needs to put in the hard yards, just like you are.

His first relationship broke down due to his ex. His whole marriage was a lie as she told him once married she's a lesbian, should have never married and left him for a woman. She's been with only women since.

I split from my ex as he was an abusive controlling jealous pretty horrible man.

Neither of our relationship breakdowns were directly linked with children.

I think I've just tried to explain why I'm so frustrated and chose words demanding baby. I don't blame the baby and know it's not his fault. I'm happy being a mum and very much enjoy it. It is my DH's fault I feel the way I do about our marriage I'm aware of that.

Blackcat86 I don't think I have PND. I very much enjoy my baby, go out of the house with him regularly, have a strong bond etc. it's my husband that's making me miserable. Sometimes I wish he'd stay at work longer etc as I feel if I'm alone and doing everything I feel better than doing everything myself when I can see him just sat there. I'm only upset about our marriage nothing else. I believed him when he told me he used to do everything for his DD when she was born so was expecting things to be different when our DS was born. It's situational not internal if that makes sense. But I'm definitely going to tell him to do more as he is effectively a bit of a stranger to the baby. I'll do my best although not sure how much more patience I have to nag him to do more and it falling on deaf ears.

Claudia1980 you're exactly right! Good times dad only! I told him this and said it's not how it works.

Thank you everyone for responses. I'm going to have to have a serious chat with him. It's got to happen and from responses it's not just me thinking he's lazy and unreasonable as a dad.

I've spoken to DH. Turns out he thought he's doing plenty for our DS and around the house! Wtf..! anyway when I told him he does f**k all straight away he said he'll do more as he didn't realise he didn't do enough. An hr or so after our chat he just took DS whilst I was in bathroom and rocket him to sleep! I couldn't believe it. And today he's suggested he'll take him out for a walk after work. I really hope he has taken notice and this continues as I might actually fall back in love with him. Thank you everyone ❤️

Not a good title OP, should read: Useless DH actually.

I really hope he sorts himself out as his behaviour has been bloody awful, good luck and do not allow him to go back to leaving it all to you, a relationship should be a team, a partnership, you help each other not just yourself!

Personally I think he's paying you lip service because he knows damn fine he's been treating you like crap and you've given him a shock.