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Original poster

New relationship gone bit wrong

31 replies

Bumbelinadance · 08/01/2019 18:10

Background is ...
I am mid 40s single Mum to Ds12 special needs
Have posted before about how rubbish Ds father is ( chosen not to see Ds for 2 years , went self employed to avoid maintenaince etc etc )
Ex dp of 4 years left for ow with less baggage ( have posted historically about this and got lots of kind support from mumsnet ) then tried to extort money from me
Recovered from heartache eventually
Internet dated sort of after 2 years single — nobody impressed me much

Reconnected with childhood freind 2 months ago
Dated
Was lovely
Got on famously
Very natural
Lots of attention from him
Was lovely to be wined and dined again
No sex at my request , having been burnt I wanted to wait
But lots of long conversations
Hugs and snogs , evenings in front tv and nights out
He came over a lot and did lots of Diy on my crumbling home

It was lovely because of family connection but kep quiet over festive period at my request . If it went Pete tong I would be embaressed and didn’t want gossip affecting his teenage dd( Freinds with my nieces and goddaughters )

Last Friday new mans elderly dad taken ill
he was hospilitised but now released ,as I understand it needing care and support .
Obviously I feel genuine empathy as knew his dad when I was a child

So Friday night was cancelled by text by him
Then Saturday by text
He was coming over last night and I had cooked dinner and a second casserole for him to take to his mum at this difficult time ( that’s my working class background way of doing stuff and it’s his background also )
I wanted to be supportive
He didn’t text to cancel .. just didn’t show up

We got into a text argument about it late last night
It sort of went off a cliff
I had my period and felt hormonal and upset
He said I was attacking him
It wasn’t a nasty argument
Just immature from both parties .. lots of “ fine by me “ messages

Ready to be flamed for being an unsupportive cow
But the thought of falling out with a childhood freind upsets me
Especially him as he is a lovely man and was very sweet with Ds who isn’t straightforward

I messaged him today to say I was sorry ,
And was happy to take a back seat and be a supportive freind
That I thought he was a super person , I miss him but am sorry I made it about me when he is struggling

Got no reply

I need to let this one go don’t i.?he obviously doesn’t want to engage with me and I probably am a horrid,selfish cow
It was so nice though

Any advice gratefully received

OP posts:
DogDayMorning · 08/01/2019 18:22

You have to give it time. He's up to his eyes in responsibilities and can't engage constructively with you, so has probably decided to say nothing until he is more able to give it headspace. I don't think you'll be letting it go in the end, but you do have to be patient

LuckyLou7 · 08/01/2019 18:24

You sound lovely, I don't think you've done anything wrong.

It sounds as if his dad's illness has hit him hard, so I would be inclined to cut him some slack right now.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 08/01/2019 18:24

No you aren't a horrid selfish cow! how lovely of you to make food for his mum.

He should have text to cancel - he managed to the previous times. Arguments easily get out hand via messaging.

Your last message to him was really nice. Leave it for now, he'll come back to you if and when he's ready. He'd be a fool to lose such a good friend over a text row.

Original poster
Bumbelinadance · 08/01/2019 18:26

Thanks dogday

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 08/01/2019 18:27

I think he just has a lot on his plate at the moment. Pop the casserole in the freezer, his mum can have it when things have settled down a bit.

category12 · 08/01/2019 18:34

It's possible he'll be back in touch when he's got his head together a bit more.

But his Dad isn't still in hospital or at death's door, so it's not that bad that he couldn't have texted you, really.

He should have contacted you if he couldn't make it, it's shitty to stand you up without a word, even if stressed out. You didn't do anything wrong by challenging that. Did he know you were cooking for him and his mum? (If you hadn't said, it's less bad.)

Take a bit of a step back and don't be in a rush to blame yourself so much.

NameChangeNugget · 08/01/2019 18:37

I think you need to put yourself in his shoes for a moment.

You’re not his number 1 priority at the moment, he has a lot going on

Original poster
Bumbelinadance · 08/01/2019 18:41

I know
That’s a thing
My own poor dad has been and out of hospital
We are the sandwhich generation I guess

But he has been a bit twatty to me last few days and it’s very different to how he was
I think I need to overlook the family connection because I am dealing with this with my parents and lots of my Freinds are too

OP posts:
dippydeedoo · 08/01/2019 18:44

He’s got shit going on.
I think you just need to text and say hope things are better and to let you know if you can help in anyway.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 08/01/2019 18:48

But he has been a bit twatty to me last few days and it’s very different to how he was

Hmmmm..... I still say leave it for now, and see if he gets back in touch, and if he does, and is still being twatty - let him go. You have your own stuff to deal with.

SuperSuperSuper · 08/01/2019 19:22

Not showing up was pretty bad form. It takes 10 seconds to type a cancellation text.

It also takes 10 seconds to type a text along the lines of - life is manic currently, I'll be in touch as soon as I can. thanks for all your support.

By all means cut him some slack but don't berate yourself.

SuziQ10 · 08/01/2019 19:24

If you were in the situation where a close relative was very unwell and others in the family needed your support you'd probably be too busy sorting all that out to see someone you've been casually dating for a couple of months.

He may well reappear once he's ready and things have settled / improved for his family. Don't take it personally, he's just busy with his family duties.

SVRT19674 · 08/01/2019 19:27

He wants sex. Sorry, the dad thing has nothing to do with it. Lots of snogging... Hmmm. Men want sex at some point, don't kid yourself.

sprouts21 · 08/01/2019 19:35

It's too soon for him to have met your ds and to be doing diy.

His dad isn't dead or at deaths door, it sounds like he had one night in the hospital which isn't unusual for old folk. Stay away from people who think that it's ok to behave like a twat as long as they've got a "good enough reason".

Original poster
Bumbelinadance · 09/01/2019 17:06

Just wanted to update as people were kind enough to reply

He has just dumped me , by text
Saying he “ doesn’t have time for a relationship right now “
And could we “ just be Freinds and have a laugh. That would mean a lot to me right now “( sounds like a fuck buddy request to me )

I replied” Thankyou for your honesty , I will of course respect your wishes , but feel it is a shame as had lovely time with you.”
That I would like to be Freinds yes as he is a lovely man , but platonic only ( meaning no way are you making me a fuck buddy love )
I said I wish he had told me to my face or at least rang since we went so far back ( 40 years plus )

I did wonder as he was only 8 weeks out of last very long term and toxic sounding relationship when we reconnected if I was the rebound woman ( I was 18 months single )

I am glad now I insisted our familes and mutual Freinds didn’t know and didn’t sleep with him .

I know I am not going to die of a broken heart but. Feel a bit hurt and bewildered . Very much so
I agreed to go for dinner with a client Friday who is very fun and handsome , but I wish it was with him

I understand sprout saying it was too soon for him to meet Ds but the truth is I am the only parent and can’t really be too far away from ds12 because of his special needs ....unless I am abroad at my immediate families it’s local pub/ coffee shop/ restaraunt only and although I work a lot and get benefits to help top up ( ex-husband does and gives sweet f all ) my Freinds understand my situation practically and financially and often socialise at mine
Heavy footfall of Freinds both male and female through the house

There was no handholding or kissing around Ds .

I need my big girl pants on don’t I .?
It was a fun fling and I need to wise up my circumstances are undesirable ( and I have a mummy tummy )

Ordered Ds pizza and given full clearance for x box night
Opened prossecco for self

Heard through D cousin today his dad out of hospital and it doesn’t sound that dire for an 80 year old chap ( cousin has no idea about us and too embaressed to tell her ) she was just doing the weekly gossip catchup.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/01/2019 17:28

Ah I’m sorry OP. I don’t know what I can say by way of comfort. He has decided it’s not for him and that’s bound to hurt but at least he has been straight with you. Some people would string you along.

I’m not sure he’s looking for a fuck buddy, I think he’s letting you down gently. I don’t think he’ll be looking to hang out with you. Seeing as you haven’t had sex with him yet, it’s unlikely he imagines you’re going to become his booty call. What he means is, “I like you, you’re a nice person, you haven’t done anything wrong...but I’m not in love with you.”

Of course losing his dad will have had an impact on his frame of mind and with being very fresh out of a crap relationship, he’s really not in the place for cultivating a romance. It’s understandable that you feel disappointed and rejected. I would too.
It’s not meant to be. Again, really sorry. Xx

LuckyLou7 · 09/01/2019 17:41

Enjoy your prosecco and pizza and hold your head high. This obviously wasn't meant to be, and although being dumped by text is a tad unkind, at least you know where you stand now, he hasn't ghosted you.

It's a horrible feeling, being rejected but try not to take it personally.

Flowers
LuckyLou7 · 09/01/2019 17:43

Oh and your mummy tummy is totally irrelevant!

Original poster
Bumbelinadance · 09/01/2019 17:56

Luckylou
😋 thankyou

OP posts:
MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 09/01/2019 18:06

I think you handled things brilliantly in the circumstances and yes you have dignity intact. At least you'll not be wondering "what if?" about him. I hope you have a lovely time on Friday. I really don't think it will have been about your tummy or circumstances, if you click you click and it's just not happened for him. His loss will be someone else's gain. You sound very kind and you obv have your head screwed on. Flowers

SuperSuperSuper · 09/01/2019 18:59

If it's any consolation I don't think he was hinting at FWB at all. I think he genuinely feels that the relationship has no legs and that you're better off as platonic mates.

I still think that not showing up was poor form, but at least he's been candid now and didn't keep you dangling for several weeks (or worse, ghost you or behave in such a way that you'd finish with him).

Original poster
Bumbelinadance · 09/01/2019 19:48

I still think he was rude and disrespectful
I feel disrespected any way

OP posts:
YellowStickRoad · 09/01/2019 20:18

To be fair it sounds like he was very good to you and happy to dance to your tune, no sex, doing DIY etc. I'm sure he enjoyed it, but I think I would have moved on too (I'm female) as I would want sex and maybe reciprocation with help.

sonjadog · 09/01/2019 20:28

It´s a shame it didn't work out, but onwards and upwards! At least it ended promptly and it wasn't left to drag on.

crimsonlake · 09/01/2019 20:37

Mmm, I am in 2 minds about this. Perhaps his emotions are running high, sounds like he does not handle stress well, do not be surprised if you hear back from him . Leave things as they are for the moment and live your life.