DH not communicating about pregnancy

[IHaveToReturnSomeVideoTapes]

Pregnant with DC3 which I'm delighted about as always felt I'd like one more child.
DH acted how I expected he would - he wasn't thrilled whatsoever, he looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole.

We hadn't been taking measures to prevent a pregnancy from happening so it's not like either one of us can be shocked at our situation!

Anyway, sat DH down last week and more or less told him that I'm keeping the baby - talks of a termination are completely off the cards - and he's free to take as long as he needs to come to terms with it all.

A few days passed and still nothing had been said about this pregnancy. I know DH well enough by now to know he doesn't cope well with stress and has the tendency to retreat inward until he's ready to open up, so I've not wanted to push or force a conversation with him. I did however, send him a message the other day, essentially asking just how much space he thinks he's going to need - because naturally, I'm excited about this baby and want to express it, but also want to be sensitive of his feelings and let him reach a place where he's okay with everything before I start talking 'all things pregnancy' related.

He didn't respond to me and nothing was said about the message that evening either. I ended up going to bed early that night after telling him that if needs weeks or even months to wrap his head around his family growing again - then that's absolutely fine, but to at least let me know so that I can stop feeling like I'm treading on eggshells and waiting in anticipation thinking that each day might be 'the' day he decides to talk about it.

I just don't know where to go from here. Given he's not happy about a third baby I really want to handle this situation in a sensitive manner, but, that being said, I can't neglect my own thoughts and feelings and I want to feel free to show my happiness too!

I do know in my heart of hearts that he'll come round once the baby is here and absolutely dote over it like he does our other DC's (he is an amazing father and watching him with our children is a beautiful sight! He truly loves being a Daddy!), but I am upset to think I could be spending the entirety of this pregnancy without the support from my DH.

I guess my question to you lovely lot is - have any of your DH's been distant at the start of the pregnancy, but warmed to the idea after scans, feeling the kicks etc?

Why don't you take pregnancy talk off the table & discuss him having a vasectomy instead.

Clearly he isn't happy about DC3, so whilst he is feeling this unhappiness it's the best time for him to do something pro-active to resolve the issue going forward.

He can also then recover before the new baby arrives.

I genuinely don't understand these men who have unprotected sex & then seem gobsmacked at the resulting pregnancy. He's not a child, he has autonomy over his body, if he doesn't want any further DC then he needs to step up and prevent it.

He already knows that I'm more than happy for him to have a vasectomy once this baby arrives.
I think he's less gobsmacked that it's happened, and more annoyed at himself for letting it happen again and I suspect, slightly resentful of me for deciding against a termination.

I'm more than willing to give him space and time to adjust, it's just the not knowing how long he's going to need that's bothering me. I think he knows within himself whether he's going to need a few more weeks (or a month or two), and he also knows deep down whether it's going to take the baby actually arriving before he feels okay. I just want to know either way, you know?

Not using any contraception is essentially trying for a baby. He is surprised you fell pregnant whilst doing that? bizarre.

Does he have anywhere he could go stay for a week or something to clear his head and realise his responsibilities, etc. Would that make life difficult for you though (in which case it's a bad idea)?

Have you had your first scan yet? Will he be going with you?

He doesn't really have anywhere to go no - I guess a hotel but at £50 a night I'd rather him just stay here and figure his shit out 🧐

Haven't had the first scan yet. I'd guess I'm around 6 weeks gone, so still a while until scans/appointments start up. We've not spoken about whether he'll be coming to them or not. He struggled to get time off of work to come to scans with DC2, so unsure what'll happen this time.

What is he actually worried about?

Work, money, time off?

What bothers me is it sounds like he didn’t want a third baby and you knew that, but you were happy that he was happy to have sex without condoms.

Obviously he’s been an idiot, prioritising condom-free sex over any thought of pregnancy, but equally you should have thought about forcing an unwanted pregnancy onto him and the catastrophic effect that would have on your relationship.

It’s not enough to say “he loves being a Dad and he’ll get over it when the baby’s born” - the two of you have spectacularly failed to communicate and now you’re left walking on eggshells around a husband who’s angry and resentful.

Again - he’s been an idiot and should have got a vasectomy. But you are not without blame here.

As Haworthia said. And you saying 'He already knows that I'm more than happy for him to have a vasectomy once this baby arrives' suggests that you want this child way more than him.

I've not once said that I'm not to blame! I even said that to DH - I out right told him that we're both to blame for this. But bottom line, it's me that has to deal with either a pregnancy or a termination and we both knew that before having unprotected sex.
I'm not shocked by a pregnancy that's happened as a result of unprotected sex.. and even if I wasn't happy about it, I'd just deal with it and get on with it. Luckily though, I am happy about it because a third child is what I wanted.

I'm trying to be sensitive about DH's feelings, but I'm not going to completely neglect my own feelings and have a termination just to please him. I dont think any woman should do that.

I think you need to realize you have both been foolish here. He may not know himself how long it will take to get his head around it, and it may not be a one step process. He may seem to come around, then have more doubts. He clearly cant talk to you about them.
You both should look at counciling , and learn to communicate better.

He is an idiot.

But given you said But bottom line, it's me that has to deal with either a pregnancy or a termination and we both knew that before having unprotected sex.

Why on earth would you have unprotected knowing you would be the one dealing with the pregnancy, whatever the decision?

And honestly you don't know if he will change when the baby is here. You are hoping but don't know. People can always surprise us and not in a good way. .

I just don't get why either adult would be having sex, when they know pregnancy could happen and it's not wanted. No one is thinking about the child.

So he assumed you could just keep having unprotected sex and you'd just have abortions every few months?? Unless this a "ooh it'll be fine this once" then "oops" scenario then he's a total dick and I wouldn't be stepping on eggshells.

I'd just tell him the next appt is and carry on. I'm not sure how much there is to talk before you need to think about appts and shopping etc.

Do you need to move? Bigger car? Will you be able to return to work? Those things obviously do need talking about but could probably wait a little while

I should add - he cancelled a consultation appt at the doctors last year regarding getting a vasectomy, because I told him that I wanted to have more children.
I didn't force him away from the doctors, I didn't drag him kicking and screaming, I outlined why I'd like another child and he chose not to go through with the procedure..

So were you regularly having unprotected sex or was it a mishap?

He is a fool for having unprotected sex with you and now acting the injured party. I am so confused by your thread. What a strange pair you both are.

I think you're both delusional.

He's delusional for having unprotected sex and for not insisting on getting a vasectomy and for taking more control of his life and the direction he wants it to go in.

And, you for knowing that he didn't want a third child yet, having the gross audacity to let it happen and thinking he just "needs time" to wrap his head around it.

No wonder so many marriages are miserable. If you're not heading for a divorce or an affair in the next year or so, I would be shocked.

Such carelessness. I just don't get it.

correction and for not taking control...

So you have basically been ttc then

I think you should get to couples counselling to help navigate this to avoid what the last poster said. Speaking from sad experience.

Have any of you bothered to read my comment where I stated that I said to my DH that I KNOW we're BOTH to blame.

I didn't come on here to be told we're stupid, I wanted to know if anyone's DHs have taken their time getting used to a pregnancy but eventually come around.

But, by all means, keep attempting to berate me when I already know where we went wrong 🙄🧐

It's pointless even thinking about who's to blame because it's done now.

You are only very early days though op. Poor guy especially if he's not on board, it will take some time to sink in and pestering him isn't going to help.

Even if you were to not mention it to him for another 4 weeks you would only be 10 weeks along, and he could have some space to come round and figure out his feelings and start talking to you for himself. Give him space and time.

I'm 29 weeks with dc3, he's got ages to come around.

I think you need to back off and stop hassling him. He’s your husband, you knew he wasn’t keen on another dc but he hasn’t prevented it, and is willing to go ahead so I’d just keep him informed of each appointment and let him get his head around it quietly in his own time.

And then rebook that vasectomy appointment

Your relationship may be on very rocky ground as a result of this. Tread very lightly. I doubt he knows how long it'll take for him to feel able to speak about this, there's no point asking for an ETA on that. You can only have given him two weeks thus far. Be patient and find someone else to talk to and share your joy.

To answer your question I’ve come across quite a few men who never came to terms with child they didn’t want. Some relationships broke up over it.

Similar situation happened with me with surprise baby #4. OH kept saying no, no, no. We are too old etc etc. I said let’s wait and see for scans etc. He stayed quiet for weeks and didn’t mention it. Went for early scan and all fine. Went for 12week and I knew I would be high risk and had an invasive test. It was only when I got the call saying all was well that he said ‘ so we are keeping him then’. Wouldn’t be without the little man now and we are truly blessed but I did get sterilised while they were doing the c section!

You're assuming he will 'come round' but have you thought about what might happen if he doesn't? You might need to think about whether you'd manage being a single mum of 3.