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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel very uncomfortable about this please advise

31 replies

reallyhopethisworksNC · 08/01/2019 09:28

Hello, using an old username I made for a sensitive topic before as I really don’t want to be linked to any other posts.

It is quite common in our relationship for DH to, in the middle of the night, try to initiate sex. 50% of the time I will go along with it, but 50% of the time I will say no and he will try for a bit longer and then stop. Usually he is half asleep or more (or so he says).

Last night he was not asleep. He was complaining his arm hurt so I know he was awake, and I made it very clear I was not interested but he kept putting my hand on his penis and it became so embarrassing that i eventually just gave him a handjob. Worth noting he did the equivalent for me at the same time, so it’s not like it was one sided.

I feel very uncomfortable about the situation given that I was very clear I didn’t want to and he pushed a lot more than usual and also he was awake! This morning he tried to say he was asleep but then admitted he was awake, but “not like during the day” and he says he is sorry and embarrassed. But it makes me question all those other times he said he was asleep, and I am not sure how to handle the situation as I feel very used. Am I being silly?

OP posts:

Shodan · 08/01/2019 09:33

You're not being silly, he sounds very disrespectful at best and quite unpleasant at worst.

Have you spoken to him about it during the day, not after an occurrence?

I think I'd have been tempted to give him an extra hard tug or two tbh.

Original poster

reallyhopethisworksNC · 08/01/2019 09:39

Have you spoken to him about it during the day, not after an occurrence?

Yes, recently after a MN post on a similar topic (but far worse) I brought it up with him and asked him where he thought the line was etched he acknowledged he probably went too far sometimes but basically said he was asleep himself when it was happening so not his fault

OP posts:

PeaQiwiComHequo · 08/01/2019 09:40

yanbu at all. he has a serious lack-of-respect for your right to bodily autonomy. the fact that he was "doing the same for you" is irrelevant - if you don't consent it is sexual assault. if he were to take it further and have full sexual intercourse without your consent then that is rape. consent obtained under duress is not consent, it is still wrong. you having an orgasm when you didn't consent to the activity does not make it OK. this is absolutely wrong.

BerylStreep · 08/01/2019 09:40

Is there a spare room you can move to? Personally it sounds awful that if you say no, then he keeps trying, then you give in. He doesn't really seem to care about your consent or feelings, does he?

If you don't want this to happen then I think you need to be clear with him about it, and then never 'go along with it' for a quiet life.

CatnissEverdene · 08/01/2019 09:41

My DH wouldn't survive to tell the tale if he woke me up and put my hand on his penis, trust me.

It's an awful thing to do. Sex should be consensual, not something you "give in" to.

Original poster

reallyhopethisworksNC · 08/01/2019 11:23

We don’t have a spare room, unfortunately, just a sofa bed. And I don’t want to sleep on the sofa bed as our baby sleeps in the bed with us (which was sort of the reason I really, really didn’t feel in the mood to do anything)

OP posts:

MarilynSlumroe · 08/01/2019 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GraceMarks · 08/01/2019 12:01

If he's not capable of keeping his hands and penis to himself when you're trying to sleep, and he claims he can't do anything to stop himself, then he needs to sleep elsewhere. Not you, him. He can move to the sofa bed while you decide if you still want to be in a relationship with someone who sexually assaults you while your baby is in the same bed with you.

Sausagerollers · 08/01/2019 12:42

Can you explain the cup of tea analogy to him (it's easy to Google for written & video explanations of this).

You should watch it too, it may open your eyes as to how he has sexually mistreated you in the past.

halfwitpicker · 08/01/2019 12:43

He claims its not his fault because he's asleep?

bookwormsforever · 08/01/2019 12:45

Yuk. Assault. 'Asleep', my arse.

Jackshouse · 08/01/2019 12:45

Tell him he needs to see the GP ask say he is sexually assaulting his wife in his sleep so needs to be referred to a sleep clinic.

Though to be honest both you and him know that he is at least sometimes choosing to sexually assault you some of the time.

Adora10 · 08/01/2019 12:47

Eugh, that's horrible and doubly horrible with your baby in the bed, he's crossing a line and yes using you for sex, not on!

jessstan2 · 08/01/2019 12:47

There seem to be a few women with uncontrolled men on here today. I don't know how you put up with it, it's so disgusting. Not a trace of love and affection, just sex - when he wants it. Where's the romance and sensitivity?

I think I'd rather be on my own (might have a visitor occasionally).

JaniceBattersby · 08/01/2019 12:48

Of course he’s not asleep. He might be feeling sleepy but that’s not the same as being asleep.

neverbetrickedagain · 08/01/2019 12:49

I find it hard to believe that he does these things half asleep! It happened a couple of times that me and my then partner fell asleep during sex due to being overtired, but never half woke up and had sex in half sleep. He is gaslighting you on top of being disrespectful and sexually abusive. You need to have a serious conversation with him and establish boundaries. Also, think of repercussions if he crosses the agreed boundaries.

Tweety1981 · 08/01/2019 12:51

Just because he Seems to have a problem with his sex drive , it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you . He is obviously getting very aroused you just need to talk to him about how you plan to handle this ..

Notcoolmum · 08/01/2019 13:07

If he cannot control himself whilst asleep then how is the baby safe in the bed.

He’s being an entitled arse. You are an object to him. Not a person.

I lived with this for years. I was scared to sleep in my own bed. It took me years to accept it was rape. But it was. My husband had non consensual sexual with me repeatedly. And claimed he was ‘asleep’.

This needs addressing now before you are too scared to go to sleep.

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 08/01/2019 13:12

Not that you should have to but pj's with a draw string are very handy for these circumstances I find.
Ime.
Exh.
Ex.....

Luckingfovely · 08/01/2019 13:14

Totally revolting and totally unacceptable.

Let alone with a baby...

Don't let him minimise this and don't let him do it again. It should be a dealbreaker for you.

Notcoolmum · 08/01/2019 13:17

tweety it’s not a problem with his sex drive. It’s a problem if his sexual boundaries and respect for his partner. If he’s horny he can ask her if she wants sex. And if not he can please himself. He can’t force her to pleasure him and then claim he didn’t know he was doing it.

funnylittlefloozie · 08/01/2019 14:14

At its most extreme, the OPs husband compelled her to engage in sexual activity in the presence of a child. Thats an OFFENCE. Baby in the cot, in the same room, is one thing, but baby in the bed with you - nope, sex is right out.

Fairenuff · 08/01/2019 14:20

Ask him permission from now on that if he does it again you can 'wake' him with a sharp kick to the balls. I think you will find that he doesn't do this in his 'sleep' again.

Celebelly · 08/01/2019 14:24

Ugh. This is really not OK. If a partner of mine placed my hand on their penis in the middle of the night with my baby asleep next to us, they'd wouldn't be doing it a second time. Having long nails is a boon...

Anyway, any respectful partner would be mortified if they really were 'asleep' and doing this and would be finding solutions to stop or suggesting they sleep elsewhere. He's obviously fully aware of what he's doing, and that makes it extremely concerning. Please don't feel pressured or guilted into sexual activity just to make things easier

busybarbara · 08/01/2019 14:48

What an absolute scumbag! LTB.

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