I feel very uncomfortable about this please advise

[reallyhopethisworksNC]

Hello, using an old username I made for a sensitive topic before as I really don’t want to be linked to any other posts.

It is quite common in our relationship for DH to, in the middle of the night, try to initiate sex. 50% of the time I will go along with it, but 50% of the time I will say no and he will try for a bit longer and then stop. Usually he is half asleep or more (or so he says).

Last night he was not asleep. He was complaining his arm hurt so I know he was awake, and I made it very clear I was not interested but he kept putting my hand on his penis and it became so embarrassing that i eventually just gave him a handjob. Worth noting he did the equivalent for me at the same time, so it’s not like it was one sided.

I feel very uncomfortable about the situation given that I was very clear I didn’t want to and he pushed a lot more than usual and also he was awake! This morning he tried to say he was asleep but then admitted he was awake, but “not like during the day” and he says he is sorry and embarrassed. But it makes me question all those other times he said he was asleep, and I am not sure how to handle the situation as I feel very used. Am I being silly?

I am thinking perhaps because usually (pre baby) he has always been able to “get me in the mood”, he thinks that that’s what this is? Like maybe he thinks I like it because it usually ends in sex? But then on the other hand the last few times (mostly last night though) I had eexplained I feel very used. It’s like he feels horny and used me to service him and then that’s it. Last night he didn’t even kiss me, and when he says he’s half asleep or asleep it’s almost as if he isn’t even thinking of me, let alone seeing or interacting with me. I’m just filling a need for sex, not a need for sex with me (if that makes sense or is even relevant).

I am very sad about it tbh. And it’s all very well him saying he’s ashamed and sorry and he doesn’t know why he did it but I’m sure it won’t be the last time.

And thank you for all the support.

And it’s not a sex drive issue, for goodness sake. If he wants sex he can wait for an appropriate time and place aka when we are awake and the baby is not there. And I actually want to. It’s only been 2 weeks since we had sex last I hardly think that’s unreasonable with a young infant (not that it would justify it if it had been years)

Forget the being asleep or half asleep that's just nonsense. He was awake and trying it on. He didn't want to take no for an answer. Tell him very clearly that this stops and if he needs waking properly you will keep a glass of water ready to pour over him if that helps.

You will find that this mysterious sleep groping is cured.

I like the ideas if he does it again actually. And I will pre warn him as well that if he does he will be on the sofa bed for the foreseeable future until I can trust him

I don't believe he is asleep. Not at all.

I had also gotten into a habit of just going along with it even when I didn't want to - to the point where I felt defiled and used. Then one day I just decided that I was never going to have sex again, unless I wanted to. There is no good reason for having sex against your will - ever.

By making that conscious choice, I removed the guilt. The way he dealt with it was up to him - if he was going to make me feel bad - then that wasn't very helpful when it came to me wanting to have sex again. I flipped the blame.

For my marriage that signalled the end - but for many other reasons.

My ex also used to only like it if I slept naked. On the day I changed everything, I started wearing clothes to bed. I took my body away from him and only gave it when I wanted to. It is your right to do this.