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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Red flag, over sensitive, over reacting?

41 replies

Onwardsandupdwards · 07/01/2019 18:36

I’ve been dating someone for 5 weeks, it’s been quite full on & we’ve seen each other practically every other day - so 20 dates plus in reality.

All has been going really well although have been on my guard due to a bad relationship which ended in April which has put my guard up massively.

Met for lunch today & he mentioned that I seemed really confident when he first met me but as he’s grown to know me, he’s realised that I’m quite emotional & need reassurance.

I didn’t go further into it at the time as felt quite defensive at the time & felt that it came across as a criticism- as if I seemed great at first but now he realises that I’m overly emotional?

Basically, my question is - how would you feel if this was said to you?

I’m not going to jump on the issue but am seeing him again Wednesday night but feel that this conversation has put a dampener on things.

OP posts:
Paddy1234 · 07/01/2019 18:48

Don't jump on the issue but don't deny it as well.
In the long term he will need to accept and embrace all aspects of your personality.

funnylittlefloozie · 07/01/2019 18:49

Why dont you ask him what he means? He will probably be able to tell you much better than any of us will.

Original poster
Onwardsandupdwards · 07/01/2019 19:02

I am going to ask him when I next see him but thought I’d ask some opinions re how others would react to being told this?

OP posts:
RowenaFlower · 07/01/2019 19:05

I would be hurt as I am emotional and do need a level of reassurance, not excessively but it’s part of my personality type!

You can’t win though, any reaction and you’re being ‘emotional’.

I’d want to know if that puts him off me, or is seen as some sort of compromise, because that would be hurtful and might cause me to end it. Yes I’m emotional, but that means I care about people and am sympathetic to others and kind.

mumbojumb · 07/01/2019 19:05

Do you think you are emotional or need reassurance? If you are and he's picked up on it then it's probably just something he's noticed BUT if you aren't any of those and he has said it then I would definitely pull him up on it

GloomyMonday · 07/01/2019 19:07

But are you emotional and in need of reassurance? Your post suggests that that might be the case.

If so, he's called it exactly right and still likes you, so I don't see the problem, it's just a factual observation.

Original poster
Onwardsandupdwards · 07/01/2019 19:08

I think I am an emotional person - but not overly so.

I think I do need reassurance in a brand new relationship but he has needed the same if not more so than me as he has been treated very badly by his ex.

I know that this is my personality type & it won’t change so I suppose I need to ask him if it’s a “disappointment” to learn this about me as I come across so confidently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onwardsandupdwards · 07/01/2019 19:09

Gloomy - has he called & still likes me or is it a criticism- I suppose this is my question?

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/01/2019 19:11

I think I'd want to know what did that mean to him.
We all have our insecurities and triggers.
He could mean as criticism or as a comment that you seem more approachable.

I think the key is to ask him questions and listen to what he has to say. Then decide if it's something you should worry about or not.

Original poster
Onwardsandupdwards · 07/01/2019 19:15

Thank you Lweji- think you’re right.

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 07/01/2019 19:19

He is informing you what your character and feelings are. This is akin to telling you what you think. Red flag in my book.

It is also a catch 22 as Rowena says. Now you have to police your responses less he judges you emotional and needing reassurance (aka needy).

There have been many threads here describing full on new relationships that “go poof-he has ghosted me”. His comment could be a seed towards that end as he is now justifying some back pedaling.

Imho, it is time for you to be busy and have some time to yourself and be sporadic in your meet ups. Indifference. See if he gets emotional and needs reassurance.

Russell19 · 07/01/2019 19:20

If it's true then why would you be annoyed? He's picked up on something important and I think that's good. Just laugh and say yeah hes right to some extent.

Please don't let an ex impact a new relationship. You can't judge him by other people's wrongdoings x

NotANotMan · 07/01/2019 19:21

You've been on your guard but you've seen him every other day since you started dating?!
Slow down. You don't really know him.

category12 · 07/01/2019 19:22

I'd be a bit concerned at how intense it's been and whether he's starting to test your boundaries. Also having alleged appalling exes is often a red flag. (People do have appalling exes, of course Smile).

You should trust your gut, if it doesn't feel quite right, make sure that you don't just get swept along and stay alert.

NotANotMan · 07/01/2019 19:23

I think I do need reassurance in a brand new relationship but he has needed the same if not more so than me as he has been treated very badly by his ex

This is really weird. What reassurance can you expect from someone you have only just started dating? It's brand new! That's the point! You don't owe each other 'reassurance'. This is very weird and unhealthy.

Original poster
Onwardsandupdwards · 07/01/2019 19:24

I have had my guard up, we’ve spent a lot of time together due to it being the Christmas period but I would walk away without a backwards glance if I wasn’t happy.

Just trying to figure out if this is the first fault line developing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onwardsandupdwards · 07/01/2019 19:27

@NotANotMan - surely in all new relationships, each person is looking for confirmation from the other of what they are feeling / where the relationship is going?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/01/2019 19:27

He could just be being honest, it's taken him many dates to see through your self confidence to the "real" you...

Don't we all put on a bit of a mask and reveal more as we get to know others better?

He didn't say over emotional or too emotional?? I interpret it as "your not the cool collected person you gave me the first impression of" just a statement of his experience.

Original poster
Onwardsandupdwards · 07/01/2019 19:30

@RandomMess - yes, think you could be right, I didn’t quiz him further as was feeling defensive & didn’t want to come across as argumentative but will def be asking next time I see him to confirm this.

OP posts:
Lemoneeza · 07/01/2019 19:37

I think that's an inappropriate comment to say to someone you've been dating for a few weeks. Seems a bit neggy. At this stage it should just be fun times.

RandomMess · 07/01/2019 19:48

So how long does one need to date for before anything "deep" can be discussed?

Personally I like scratching beneath the surface before 20 dates...

NotANotMan · 07/01/2019 19:56

Talking about how you feel is completely different to seeking reassurance

ponyprincess · 07/01/2019 19:57

The speed dating, his comments and hoe they made you feel I would run. Run away.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 07/01/2019 19:58

If you bring it up days later and ask what he meant cos it’s been bothering you then in his mind he’ll just believe he was correct, you are in fact being very emotional and needing reassurance!

The only reason I can see it bothering you is if you’re taking it as a criticism, and you are upset as you don’t want him to think anything other than good things about you at this stage. But I don’t think those are necessarily negative things?

It would weird me out a bit the word ‘need’ though to be honest, if someone said that to me so early on I’d be concerned I’d let my guard down too much before I intended to. I would assume I’d shown him I was insecure and way too keen (reassurance I assume he means regarding the relationship and where it’s going?) and want to mentally distance myself a little bit. Make sure I was focusing on my own life and interests so I didn’t ‘need’ any reassurance about the relationship, I was too busy enjoying myself! This early I think it’s a red flag if you’re seeking reassurance about where it’s going: shows you’re overly invested, giving him the power, instead of you also sussing him out to see if he’s good enough for you... plus if you’re feeling a need for reassurance i wonder if there’s some aspect of the bond so far that’s making you feel like you’re at arms length or getting subconscious pink flags.

Mummyshark2018 · 07/01/2019 19:59

I wouldn't have taken it badly but would've asked him what he meant. To me that may mean that you appeared very confident, but once he's got to know you have opened up, let your guard down? Bit weird that you didn't just ask him to clarify? Was it said in a nice way?