Hi all,
I appreciate I'm a) not a parent and b) not a women, however, i would value a females view here..I'll try keep things concise!
I started dating a girl late november. 27, great job, great personality, seemed to have everything together and there was an attraction there. Our first date, a drink at a bar, lasted 4 hours. I never looked anywhere else but at her, and it felt mutual.
We organised a second date which went as well, and i walked her home after before heading home.
Our third date, an afternoon beverage lead to me walking her back to her front door again, only this time she invited me in. I was somewhat naive as i didn't see this as a prelude to anything other than a coffee, and let her know i had plans in the evening. Shortly after i told her this, rather coincidentally or not, we started, on her lead, making out. One thing lead to another and we slept together. I'd noted during proceedings that my phone was ringing off the hook. Belatedly, i told her i should really get back to my mates, who were concerned for my welfare. I made a joke that they would been concerned as i would never miss watching my football team on tv, which she seemed to laugh off rather sheepishly. I asked her twice, maybe three times if she had any issues with me heading out to meet my mates. I'd made sure i hadn't just done the deed and then left, we were intimate for another 30 minutes or so before i caught a cab.
Later that night, i messaged her to say thank you for another great date and that i felt like we had a connection. In the early hours, i had a reply to say she didnt feel the same and didnt feel comfortable continuing to date. I was confused and angry...more at myself.
After a day or so, i decided to challenge on her on it, whilst apologising for leaving her, noting in hindsight that it may have left her feeling used, although i did all i could at the time to ensure she was happy for me to maintain my plans. She came back to me to say although she did note me leaving in such a way, it didn't bother her and she would have done the same. She also said she freaked out when she read my message and that she is a slow burner. I said i understood that and there was no pressure at this early stage to be on the same page. She seemed really positive with my repost and we agreed we'd continue to see eachother, and would chat on the phone later that week to tie up a few loose ends, to put my mind at ease.
Come the tuesday, when we had agreed to talk, she messaged me to say she wouldn't have time as she was off to the pub. It never crossed my mind that it was on another date until i got a message back at half 11 that evening. I told myself its perfectly acceptable to date other people, but the fact she kinda blew me out bugged me.
Wednesday night, i called as then planned but no answer. Thursday morning, she text to apologise, saying she hadnt been feeling great and had fallen asleep. Her phone was on her pillow, on loud etc etc..
At this point, i thought ok, lets put some distance between us. I already really like this girl, and I'm getting hot when we are together and stone cold when we're not. Maybe she's dating other guys and thus not sure where i sit in the pecking order. Maybe she was trying to let me down gently...who knows i thought.
Sunday afternoon, i get a message from her along the lines of "just wanted to know if you still want to continue dating or not, no worries if not and good luck" etc. I saw this as a bit of a lifeline, and read, incorrectly, that it was a sign she was still interested. I told her that i knew she had a busy week and had been unwell so wanted to give her some space, which was in part, true. We again agreed we'd still like to see each other, and i in fact went over to hers that very same evening, staying the night in the process.
I usually work away (in the military) but said i could pop back home one night that week if she fancied hanging out. We agreed on wednesday. I headed back, stayed at hers once more and everything, bar her getting up to sleep on the sofa (said she wasn't used to sharing a bed and had become restless), things seemed like they were progressing nicely, again. We agreed to have a proper date come Sunday and left for work.
That Saturday, i unfortunately suffered a severe trauma injury at football and spent 4 days in hospital. She offered, once she'd shaken off a hangover from her xmas party, to come visit me, but i said id rather her not see me like that, to which she empathised. As the fall out from the injury became more and more apparent, i got a little insecure and messaged her to say i was gutted that my injury meant a negative impact on us at a time when it should be exciting. She kinda shrugged it off...She struggled with empathy but it again made me doubt whether she was now, again, having second thoughts.
When i was discharged i let her know and quipped that i was heading to Oz to recover (i was on morphine, codeine etc but appreciate its not the wisest move). I genuinely thought there was no chance she'd think it was anything other than a joke. But she didnt. She messaged me again, late that even to confirm whether i was going or not. I didn't see the significance, maybe in my drug fuelled stupor, so i laughed it off whilst confirming I'd gone to stay with my dad up North to recover.
A few days went by with nothing back. I got concerned that we had wound ourselves back two weeks, and decided I'd not chase or try and convince her again.
Two weeks, over Christmas, went by before i finally cracked. She confirmed my worst fear, that my "comedy" had left her confused and I'm guessing a little angry...so much so that she didn't know what to say to me. She said she didnt understand me sometimes, in repost to my "Oz" comments, to which i countered it should be treated in isolation due to my state/circumstances. A few days went by and she said she didn't miss me and that i suppose is that...case closed.
She said she liked everything about me but something was missing, she just didnt know what..
I suppose what I'm trying to gauge here, is have i undermined her or played on her insecurities in both the leaving abruptly and the Oz scenarios? And even if i have, without knowing about her anxieties (i was fairly open but she was like a closed book), was i on a road to ruin? Destined to fail? Or were we partly a victim to circumstances?
Or, am i simply reading too much into things and she was simply not that into things, despite the physical attraction/activities?
I'm very self critical as a person so just after some much needed perspective. I know, as highlighted above, I've made some errors of judgement, but I'm just unsure whether they would have made a blind bit of difference or not?!
Thanks for bearing with me!!
S