AIBU to be upset about change in contact - LD/online relationship?

[user1472372029]

for a number of months I have had a long distance relationship with someone, so our interactions have been online. Contact every day, a lot during the day. A message good morning and then off and on until we went to sleep. Sharing our days, talking on phone, but mostly via social media app.

For both of us, it has eaten up time in our days, and as a New Year's resolution he has declared that he wants to reduce his time on social media, the internet. It's not about us apparently, or should be seen as a reflection on our relationship apparently.

But we've gone from being in contact very frequently, to him messaging me at the end of his day, once. Briefly. And me waiting around for him to message, when he is free.

I've struggled massively. Frankly I miss him, and I don't see how we can carry on any kind of relationship with that level of contact.

He, on the other hand, seems to think I'm being needy, has told me it's not about me, and so I should just deal with it?

I tried to end things last night, and when he seemed unwilling to do that, asked that at least we have some structure, so I know when we will talk, although less regularly is fine. He called me insecure, needy, and said the more I push for him to contact me, the less he will want to.

Am I being unreasonable to find this hard, regardless of the reasons behind it?

YANBU, but you tried to end things and he wouldn't agree? You don't need his authorisation. You should call it off and then walk away.

There are much better people out there who will give you what you need and not leave you hanging on to his every word.

Bin him, sorry. How and when you are in contact is a fundamental issue in my book. That you don’t agree on it is bad enough, but him name calling you because of this difference in opinion is not on. You deserve better.

You don't need his permission to end it and frankly given the name calling is what I think you need to do.

I did long distance, he's now my husband of 12 years, we did move things fast but we had a lot fo contact like you. You need that I think,although of course every relationship is different, but ours stayed in very regular contact like you until I moved. Granted it was over 12 years ago but still.

How often do you see him in person?

Why don't you have each other's phone numbers if you are in a relationship? Then he wouldn't have to be on social media to message you? Have you met each other in real life?

How often do you meet in person?
He's calling you names.
You want to end it.
So just end it.
This is a total no-brainer from what you've written.
Just stop responding and stop waiting around for him to contact you.
Time to move on.
Find someone closer to home.

Contact with your partner shouldn't be this difficult. Just end it and block him.

It's weak, but we have a history and i don't want to walk away from him.

But his lack of empathy and dismissal of my feelings is hard.

Yes, i could ring him, but i think it might fall under the same edict.

Contact should be something that is agreed between you and not dictated by either party. He should be willing to compromise and not simply change the goal posts. I do understand him not wanting to be on his phone all day. But he should think about how that will make you feel and make you an offer that is good for you. Could you have a phone call every evening instead of constant texts?

What is wrong is how he has minimised your behaviour and threatened that he won’t like you as much if you can’t go with what he wants. That rings my alarm bells.

I’m in a distance OLD relationship although not exclusive. I’m just realising that I have had a number of other irons who have filled in the gaps that this crappy communicating first man isn’t filling. And I’m thinking what that means for me. And whether I want to carry on or give another iron the prime spot!! (There is an element of sarcasm here 😂)

Do you ever see this man?

Is he saying that the relationship he wants with you is to write you a message once a day? Because that isn't really a relationship is it??

Sounds soul destroying to be honest

I'd Get rid and find someone local who appreciates your attention

I'm in a similar relationship. we have regular check-ins with just one or two messages shared. but at least twice a week we spend an hour or two talking.

the quick messages keep us in the loop, while the long chats are where the relationship work is done.

you need both

Thanks all,

We have taken a break, his idea initially which I am fully supportive of at the moment.

I told him clearly what I needed, that I respect his decision to focus on some other priorities, but that I need to know that I am also a priority and that we will have some sort of schedule around talking. I can't handle the ambiguity of waiting for him to find time for me.

So, he knows what I need, we are staying apart for a few days, and if he can't meet my expectations, then I will have to end it.

Yes I can totally see why you’d feel dumped in this situation. It’s like he regards your relationship as ‘social media’ and no more important than mumsnetting (for instance). I would assume that the ‘taking a break’ is a precursor to ending it.

I don't know about that. I tried to end it last night and ended up in a discussion about why I was so keen to walk away, and I was making a big deal of it and I just needed time to adjust.

He wanted me to promise I wouldn't block him over the next few days.

The distance will give me much needed perspective I think.

So he’s made his decision (wanting less contact) but isn’t allowing you to make your own decision (ending it because you want more contact).

why I was so keen to walk away Err, because he has fundamentally changed the terms of the relationship.

I just needed time to adjust He sounds like a right patronising twat.

Have you actually met him op?

I think if you have to beg for someones time and attention then you really need to think carefully about what you are getting from this relationship...... It sounds very one sided to me! LDR is hard, I've done a couple of them and the key thing is communication & regular contact.

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it.... 🤔

How often do you see each other?

How old are they OP? How far is the distance? Xx

OP, you haven't actually met have you? In which case, in the nicest possible way, grow up, get off your phone and out and about and get busy living life instead of waiting for your phone to beep. He's quite right to want more from his precious time than spending all day messaging and so should you.

I don’t get online relationships. I have read a few threads on here about people who become very attached when they have never even met.

OP there's nothing wrong with connecting online. Many relationships start that way. Lots of people have got together via Facebook etc, my boyfriend and I amongst them. But it seems as if you've not yet met. Why is that? What's stopping you meeting for dinner half way?

No, it's very long distance. We did talk about it but decided it wasn't an option for various reasons.

I know I need to end it... But i have fallen for him.

You have a pen pal, not a relationship.

I don't get online only "relationships" at all.

If you had a full life, you wouldn't have the time to be online chatting with someone all day every day.

Do either of you work? I would say turn off your phone and look up at the world that is right in front of you.

@Myoldfriend
My stbxh is in one of these online only relationships. It's ridiculous and I've lost any amount of respect for him. Wasted 2 years, yes years on this nonsense. She's picking out £10,000 engagement rings. All fantasy.

They are 40s not teens. Avoidant, commitment phobes, MH issues come to mind.