AIBU to be upset about change in contact - LD/online relationship?

[user1472372029]

for a number of months I have had a long distance relationship with someone, so our interactions have been online. Contact every day, a lot during the day. A message good morning and then off and on until we went to sleep. Sharing our days, talking on phone, but mostly via social media app.

For both of us, it has eaten up time in our days, and as a New Year's resolution he has declared that he wants to reduce his time on social media, the internet. It's not about us apparently, or should be seen as a reflection on our relationship apparently.

But we've gone from being in contact very frequently, to him messaging me at the end of his day, once. Briefly. And me waiting around for him to message, when he is free.

I've struggled massively. Frankly I miss him, and I don't see how we can carry on any kind of relationship with that level of contact.

He, on the other hand, seems to think I'm being needy, has told me it's not about me, and so I should just deal with it?

I tried to end things last night, and when he seemed unwilling to do that, asked that at least we have some structure, so I know when we will talk, although less regularly is fine. He called me insecure, needy, and said the more I push for him to contact me, the less he will want to.

Am I being unreasonable to find this hard, regardless of the reasons behind it?

Block him. It's hard but he's taking the piss and he's messing with your head.

And if you have never met him you don't actually know him at all.

Have you actually ever met him?

It sounds like he has seen the light tbh.

If you haven't even met him, then it isn't even a relationship. Sorry.

OP, I think you understand this isn’t a relationship and isn’t going anywhere. You have a pen pal, who’s growing bored. As should you.

I don’t get online relationships. I have read a few threads on here about people who become very attached when they have never even met.

I get it, though I’ve never and would never do it. It’s seductive getting to know someone over time using words and voice. You can feel a false sense of intimacy very quickly, as if you really know someone, as people often share a lot more about themselves than they’d dare to face to face. It gives you something to do, a reason to smile when your phone pings. People get caught in a fantasy imagining what it might be like to meet. For others, they don’t want to meet and having an emotional connection with someone at a safe distance suits them more than a real relationship where you have to be vulnerable. I have a few people I’d consider close friends I met online randomly, all but one we ended up eventually meeting and it felt like we’d known one another forever, not awkward. I’m very grateful for those friendships.

But no way would I do that for a relationship, with a friend you can have many at once. An online ‘relationship’, especially with no plans to meet, you’re just play acting while being unavailable to meet anyone in reality.

I get it. But it’s not real.

OP, did you just plan to be an online relationship permanently, never meeting or moving together?

How low is your self esteem that you would settle for this kind of treatment? Where is your anger for the contempt he has shown you?

If you weren’t wasting hours of your life with this non-relationship you could be meeting an actual person and having some real intimacy.

Given the fact that you are avoiding answering, I am going to assume you have never met.

I also suspect that you have posted about this before. You have known him a long time yet never met?

This isn't a real relationship. You need to walk away

I think he is making a mess of it, but actually I think he is probably right to cut the contact way down. Firstly, keeping up an endless stream of messages all day every day is not sustainable forever. Secondly, it also prevents you living your life where you are. You end up always waiting for the phone to beep or wondering what the other person is up to where they are. You are physical present but mentally elsewhere. By only messaging at night, he is saying that he wants to keep the contact, but that he wants to be focused on his "here and now" during the day - which I think is a good thing.

I think this kind of relationship only works in the short term between couples who are split up for short amounts of time. It isn't the way to run an entire relationship, sorry.

Where do you see this going long term OP? If it's very long distance and you've never actually met and it's not practicable to do so then are you planning to spend the rest of your life messaging someone on WhatsApp? I have to agree with the PP saying it's more of a penpal set up than a relationship.

I met someone on Tinder last summer, he was visiting family in the UK but has lived in Canada for almost 20 years. We didn't have time to meet before he flew back but within a month he had flown me to Canada and now I'm living here with him. I appreciate we moved things pretty fast but we were in a situation where we could, and neither of us wanted a long distance text-based relationship. Even if it's over a longer period of time I think for a LD relationship to work out you have to spend/have spent at least some time physically together and there has to be an end point in sight when you will be together properly.

Also, this: He called me insecure, needy, and said the more I push for him to contact me, the less he will want to makes him sound like a dick too. If DP had ever said anything like that to me I would have told him to get to fuck. He wouldn't though because he's a nice, caring person. It's a horrible thing to say to anyone let alone someone you purportedly care about.

This seems to be a fantasy relationship as it's clear you will never meet up. You avoided answering the numerous questions about whether you have met in real life. I think your time would be more wisely spent building relationships with real people who you can actually see.

Ah I hadn’t realised you’ve not met. That changes things.

You haven’t fallen for him. He’s not real. Meet and see if you like him. If not the. Go cold turkey and move on. Sorry.

OP as hard as it might be for you read, in order for a long distance relationship to work, you have to have some form of physical contact with the person. Regular enough visits / dates in person when possible or to have spent physical time together before you are apart, with the promise of being together again in a reasonable time frame.

As passionate as your exchanges may be, at the moment it’s all just fantasy, and as others have said, a pen pal type situation.

I know even in the days before the internet passionate pen pal type relationships existed but people wouldn’t have put their lives on hold for a fantasy, and neither should you.

If you are not going to be in a position to meet this man, with a definite date and plan then I think it would be healthier to call it quits now and start dating closer to home.

When I met my partner it was set up online with friends who had attended university with him and I had crossed paths with him a few times.

He was living in another country.

We met up again, but for a proper date instead of a passing glance and group chat, shortly after starting to talk, the date lasted a month and was supposed to last a week. After the date was over we made rigid plans to move in together in three months time, and neither would have carried on the relationship if that was not a possibility.

Keeping in contact was vital to make the relationship work during that time. We did the odd messages through the day, the daily phone calls, and several times a week set aside time to video call and have dates - things like watching a movie together over video link, or talking over dinner.

Our relationship worked and I’m now living in his country, after we decided to move again, two years later, married, with a child on the way.

If you are long distance then keeping up that type of contact and having a definite end in sight is very very important, as is having a proper commitment to each other and being willing to take the risk that it might not work. You have to be prepared to say enough is enough and walk away if one side of the relationship lets you down on the plans.

The fact of the matter is, that if he is not physically there with you, you both have to show your commitment to the relationship by setting aside time to connect in other ways, this is clearly not happening in your relationship.

As hard as it is, it’s time for you to let go of him now. Tell him you are done with the fantasy, detach yourself, block him if that’s necessary, and find other ways to fill your life. You deserve more than nice messages and fantasy promises. The right man will be out there for you, but he isn’t that man, and by staying attached to the fantasy idea you are missing out on a healthy relationship.

A relationship is more than just shared messages, if there are no set plans to be physically together then it isn’t a real relationship at all.

you are not in a relationship. you are penpals / textpals whatever.
For all you really know he could be some 80 year old hairy troll married with 15 kids getting his kicks out of stringing you along
Just block and find someone with visual flesh and bones ( even if it is a 80 year old hairy troll at least it would be a real relationship)